Beginning the Journey to Me

Deep down, I always knew I was meant to share or teach, or... heck, I don't know, really, it was just a feeling. So, I did. I wrote poems, and then I quit. Something wasn't right. I doubted myself. I hated myself. I mean, who was I to share anything with anyone? I wasn't even a regular girl. I didn't have the typical life you would imagine a young girl would have. I didn't have two loving parents and siblings (I mean I have sibilings I just didn't grow up with them), or whatever you would imagine a normal childhood would look like.

My life was far from that. I was one of those kids who had to grow up fast. I felt like a lot of the time, I grew up without proper guidance. So, who was I to become a guide, right? But now I understand that the lessons that I learned through those experiences have given me the knowledge to share what I've learned. One thing I have learned is that we are meant to share our stories and experiences with each other as a whole in humanity. But even as I am writing this fear is boiling inside of me. Doubt, axniety, a bit of panic, and negative self talk.

And through all those feelings, way down deep inside, I feel or hear a little voice saying "Do it anyway. Be BRAVE." But what is that? What is it to be brave? and the voice says "Do it anyway."

Well shit I am still confused, right? So, I say what anyone else would, "No way! I'm too scared." While listing all the things in my head that scare me and all the things that can go wrong. And that scares me even more, drawing me deeper into my fear.

Then I hear "It's okay, do it anyway, bravery does not mean you are meant to overcome fear, no. It means that you acknowledge the fear and still choose to do it anyway. That is true bravery." and I let out a short gasp-like laugh of disbelief mixed with astonishment, "huh..."

I sit back and just let it sink in. My thoughts are racing. I find my self scanning my memories, from my earilest to my most recent. Searching for a sign that I am worthy of sharing my experience. And nothing. My life was not great at all. I have nothing to teach nothing to be pround of. Nothing.

Or so I thought.

Then the voice comes back "Stop it."

"Stop what?"

"That."

"What?"

Now this part is kind of funny because even though I am conversing with myself I get this feeling that I am getting The Look. You know the one people give you when you should already know and shouldn't have to be told again. Yup that one. My inner self or who ever I am talking to is gving me The Look and I feel it as if someone is doing it to my face.

Then I say "But I am not a writer. I am not good at it. I just can't remember all the rules an stuff it's the whole reason I quit creative writing."

Then I hear, "Since when did you ever? You were born different, you are a visionary, a rebel, you have always done things your way. You were never meant to be in the box. You were meant to create your own. That is what sets you apart from the rest. So, stop it already and do you. Every soul is born different no one is the same. Just be you, be authentic, and shine in your own right."

Again I am astonished.

So, I find myself here on vocal starting my journey scared shitless but willing to share my life and my experiences. I am not yet sure what I am going to get out of this, or how it will benefit the world. But its a start, and I plan to open up to it. Who knows, it just might be my calling or my healing. But whatever it turns out to be I accept the challenge win or fail.

So, I have deleted almost my entire collection that I had on here and I am starting again. Consider this is my first post on my new journey here on vocal. I love you all and hope this becomes something unforgettable.