How is social "normalcy" determined?

Social norms are a lot like those unwritten rules at a family dinner—everyone follows them, but no one’s quite sure who made them up in the first place. Maybe it was Grandma, or maybe it's just what everyone did, so now it’s law. Whatever the origin, social norms are shortcuts for life, offering a general guide to how we should behave. They help us blend in, avoid awkwardness, and not cause too many eyebrows to raise when we're out in public.

They’re like the instruction manual for how not to be “that person” at the party—at least, for the time and place we live in. And let’s be honest, nobody wants to be “that person.”

The Invisible Hand of Society

Social norms are enforced by communities, friend groups, and sometimes the wider society. Ever noticed how one raised eyebrow from your mom or that look from your coworker can be more effective than any amount of personal reflection? That’s the power of these invisible rules. They’re ingrained into us through rewards like smiles, approval, or that warm glow of knowing you're in sync with the world. Positive reinforcement! It’s like when you were a kid and your teacher put a gold star on your paper—feels good, right?

On the flip side, break one of these norms, and you’ll feel the guilt—a bit like walking into a room with toilet paper stuck to your shoe. Nobody says anything directly, but you know. You just know. That's the magic of negative reinforcement, quietly keeping us all in line. It’s society’s way of saying, “You better think twice before you wear socks with sandals in public.”

But here’s the rub: society is changing so fast that some of these norms feel like they’ve reached their expiration date. So how do we know when to let go of an old norm and when to hold on to it? Do we Marie Kondo it and ask, “Does this spark joy?” Or do we, like a stubborn pair of jeans that no longer fit, keep it around “just in case”?

When to Let Go: The Fence Analogy

English writer G.K. Chesterton had a useful metaphor for figuring out when a social norm might be outdated. He said that if you see a fence standing all alone in a field, don't just tear it down because it seems pointless. First, ask yourself: why was it put there in the first place? What purpose did it serve?

This is the same approach we should take with social norms. Just because something seems old-fashioned doesn't mean it's useless. Maybe it was put there to serve a purpose—perhaps to help, protect, or provide order. So, before we chuck it out, we should at least figure out why it was created. If that original purpose still holds some value, it might be worth keeping. But if it’s as outdated as your old MySpace page, maybe it’s time to move on.

Let’s take a real-life example. Should men still open doors for women? Back in the day, this was considered polite, a gentlemanly act of respect. But in today's world, is it still necessary? Well, it depends. If the original purpose was to show kindness and consideration, then maybe there’s still value in it. But if the reason was more about reinforcing outdated ideas of gender roles, then perhaps it’s time to rethink it. So, before you automatically open the door (or let it slam in someone’s face), maybe just ask: “Am I being considerate, or am I stuck in the past?”

Where Do We Look for Guidance Now?

With some old norms fading away, where do we turn for guidance? In the past, people often looked to parents, religious leaders, or even state figures for cues on how to behave. These folks were like the original influencers—dropping knowledge bombs on how to be a decent human being, one sermon, one law, or one stern parental lecture at a time.

Nowadays, things are a little different. The world has gotten a lot more complicated, and let’s face it, parents don’t have all the answers (don’t tell them I said that). Enter the modern guru: coaches, influencers, and experts who seem to have a solution for everything. From meditation to how to become the next Jeff Bezos, there’s a coach for everything. Fitness? There’s a guru for that. Parenting? Got it. Want to know how to become a “high-value man” or the next beauty mogul? There’s an influencer ready to sell you the answers (and probably some protein shakes or lipstick while they’re at it).

The Trouble with “Self-Proclaimed” Experts

Here’s where things get tricky. The word "expert" used to mean someone who had, you know, actual expertise. But nowadays, “self-proclaimed expert” is about as common as pineapple on pizza—it’s everywhere, and not everyone agrees on whether it's a good thing.

The problem with these self-proclaimed experts is, well, the “self-proclaimed” part. Just because someone calls themselves an expert doesn’t mean they know what they’re talking about. It’s like calling yourself a master chef just because you made instant noodles without setting off the fire alarm. What are their qualifications? Do they really know more than you, or are they just good at selling an image online?

A fitness guru might have a six-pack and 100,000 followers, but that doesn’t mean their advice is good for your body type. Similarly, a beauty influencer might have flawless skin, but that doesn’t mean their skincare routine will work for you. And don’t even get me started on “life coaches” who are 23 years old—what life experience are they basing their advice on? Their traumatic experience of losing Wi-Fi for an afternoon?

Tailoring Social Norms for Today

Just like a one-size-fits-all t-shirt rarely fits anyone perfectly, social norms shouldn’t be applied universally. What works for one person or group may not work for another. Social norms should be tailored to specific times, places, and communities. It’s like trying to wear a winter coat in the middle of July—it doesn’t make sense everywhere. And sometimes, the advice these so-called experts are dishing out is as mismatched as that coat on a sunny day.

Sure, that life hack for “grinding 24/7” and achieving success might sound great on Instagram, but is it really helpful if you’re trying to balance a family, a job, and your sanity? Or maybe the latest “clean eating” trend is making waves online, but will it work if you're on a tight budget and can’t afford to spend half your paycheck on kale?

Conclusion: Social Norms and Modern Wisdom

Social norms are useful—they keep us from being the awkward person at the party who doesn’t know how to small talk. But as society changes, we need to evaluate which norms are still useful and which are about as relevant as an 8-track player.

We also need to be careful about who we take advice from. Just because someone has a lot of followers or calls themselves an expert doesn’t mean they have all the answers. Trust, but verify, and maybe keep an eye out for those fences in the field—before you tear them down, it’s worth asking why they’re there in the first place.