Crock Pot Ranch Chicken Sandwiches!

By Me, Someone Who Owns 3 Crock Pots and Zero Shame

Okay. So. I’m gonna tell you ’bout sandwiches. Not fancy ones. The kind you make when you hate cooking but love eating. Crock Pot Ranch Chicken. Sounds weird? Maybe. Tastes good? Oh yeah. I made this first time ’cause my friend said “dump stuff in pot.” I said “okay.” Now I make it every week. Here’s how.

1. Why I Even Tried This

Once, I tried cooking steak. Fire happened. Smoke alarm sang. Landlord knocked. So now I use Crock Pot. No fire. Just plug in. Magic. My mom said “ranch and chicken? Why?” I said “why not?” Best talk ever.

2. Stuff You Need (Or Don’t Need, I’m Not Bossy)

Gather these things. Or don’t. I’m not watching.

Chicken: Breasts, thighs, whatever. Frozen? Fine. Fresh? Fancy.

Ranch packet: That dusty thing in pantry. 2015? Still works.

Butter: Sticks, tubs, stolen from diner. Your call.

Broth: Can use water. Can use beer. Can use tears.

Cream cheese: Soft or not. Microwave 10 sec if lazy.

Buns: Fancy brioche? Stale hamburger? Both good.

Other stuff if you’re wild:

Bacon (crumbles, bits, or steal from roomie’s fridge).

Pickles (for crunch, or throw at wall if mad).

Hot sauce (if you like tongue on fire).

3. How to Make It (Easy Like Sunday Morning)

Step 1: Open Crock Pot. Find it under pizza boxes. Plug in.

Step 2: Dump chicken in. Like, throw. No grace needed.

Step 3: Sprinkle ranch. Like fairy dust but salty.

Step 4: Add butter. Whole stick? Half? Who measures.

Step 5: Pour broth. Spill half. Who cares.

Step 6: Close lid. Press “low.” Walk away. Forgot? Good.

Wait time: 6 hours. Do yoga. Nap. Watch 4 movies.

Step 7: Open pot. Chicken looks sad. Stab with forks. Shred it.

Step 8: Stir in cream cheese. Lumps? Smash. Cheese? Add more.

Step 9: Scoop glop on buns. Burn buns? Call it “toasted.”

Step 10: Eat. Drip on shirt. Smile.

4. Why This Tastes Good (Science? Luck?)

Butter + ranch = salty hug. Chicken so soft, no teeth needed. Cream cheese makes it rich. Like eating cloud. If cloud was fat.

5. 10 Tips I Learned (Mostly From Mistakes)

Frozen chicken okay: No thaw. Just cook longer. Or not.

No ranch packet?: Mix mayo, garlic, dill. Close enough.

Crock Pot too small?: Pile chicken high. It’ll shrink. Maybe.

Burned edges?: Scrape off. Feed to dog. (Just kidding. Maybe.)

Too dry?: Add mayo. Or ketchup. Or motor oil. (Not motor oil.)

Too wet?: Drain juice. Drink juice? No.

No cream cheese?: Use sour cream. Or yogurt. Or regret.

Want veggies?: Add celery. Then pick it out.

Make ahead?: Keep in pot. Fridge 3 days. Freeze? Sure.

Cleanup?: Soak pot. Or hide in oven.

6. Times I Messed Up (So You Don’t Have To)

Once: Forgot broth. Chicken like rubber. Chewed 1 hour.

Another time: Used sugar instead of ranch. Sweet chicken. Don’t.

That one day: Left on “warm” for 12 hours. Chicken mush. Ate it.

7. Fancy Versions (If You’re Bored)

Buffalo style: Add hot sauce. Blue cheese. Cry a little.

BBQ twist: Dump ranch, use BBQ sauce. Sweet + smoky.

Italian vibe: Ranch? No. Use Italian seasoning. Parmesan.

8. What to Eat With It (Or Not)

Chips. From bag. Straight.

Or salad. If you’re into that.

Beer. Or juice box. No rules.

9. How My Friends Reacted

Jen said “tastes like childhood.”

Dave said “needs more bacon.”

Mom said “you cooked?” Then fainted.

10. Why I’ll Keep Making This

No think. No stress. Just dump. Wait. Eat. Feels like winning.

Final Words: Life’s hard. Sandwiches easy. Make this. Be happy. If not happy, add bacon.

P.S. If you hate it, lie. Say you love it. Then send to ex.