Young People Don't Matter

I just read an article on Vocal about how Six Flags is shutting down any leftover parks this month in November. I started getting really depressed thinking about it. I've seen the end of so many of my beloved companies and brands. I had to watch Kmart and Sears go down. I had to watch Payless Shoe Source and Albertson's Grocery kick the bucket. I had to watch Chik-Fil-A leave the mall, expand, and dismiss their delicious cole slaw. I had to watch Disney World and Busch Gardens evolve from $25 entrance tickets to $125 entrance tickets. I had to watch the Dollar Tree go from every item costs $1 to you don't know until you're at the register is what every item costs. The world changed so much the past decade. We lost more businesses and "norms" or symbols of Americana culture the past decade than in the three decades previous to it. It's been truly heart-wrenching stuff.

I guess since I'm in my 50's I'm suppose to take this time to remember what all the old ladies used to tell me 20 years ago. They did give me plenty of warnings, but most of what they said was just so hard to believe or apply to my 20, 30, or 40 something lifestyle. The economy changes, of course, but I just couldn't comprehend what they were trying to tell me. It's all clear now. I guess I just had to wait to understand --- wait until I was "old enough" to really have seen such drastic changes in the world.

Well, I don't know if Busch Gardens or Disney World will follow Six Flags lead and close down. Shrug? I really have no idea what the fate of theme parks is. I know I've enjoyed them tremendously. They were wonderful to go ride the rides, take lots of happy smiley photos, and remember later that there was a time and a place when the family had a good time.

I do have an idea. Any investors out there? Any theme park afficianados want to open up something totally unique and brilliant?

Here it is: Old Farts Theme Park.

Yeah. Really. You have to be 50 years or older to get in. We've got to give the old farts something. I mean you've been catering to kids and the fitness crew for the past 50 years. I know, I'm 54. I couldn't go into the ball crawl at McDonald's or Chuck E Cheese's. I couldn't jump on the bouncy balloon at Jojo's birthday bash because I was too old. No fair! I want to have fun too!

Sure, there were a bunch of us who found our own joy on skateboards, rollerskates, iceskates, and bicycles; But now, you don't see any of them out there anymore, do you? Nope. Did you even notice that they are gone? You know why? If we're still alive, our bones are too old to do those stunts anymore. The young ones, they're not brave like we were. They don't want scabby knees or bruises on their elbows. They want to play it safe and just watch movies and play video games. Why spend $20 to go skate at the Rollerrink where it's crowded and the bullies are hanging out? They'd rather spend that $20 on pizza delivery.

Too bad, so sad, who cares? Young people don't matter anymore. They always get everything. It's time to focus on the group that matters and didn't get anything: Old People. That's right. Everybody who is 50 and over, they matter. Why? Because we said so. Because our parents are dead, and you can't run to them for protection anymore. We're old, we've tolerated their crap and yours and it's OUR TURN.

Old Farts Theme Park

Rides that Old People Like:

Carousel, Ferris Wheel, Trains, Skyride, Hayrides, HorseCarriage Rides, Sledding, Boat Rides.

Shows that Old People Like:

Bird Shows, Dog Shows, Horse Shows. Skating shows. Orchestra and Light shows. Funny Fashion Shows.

Food that Old People Like:

Watermelon. Grapes. Applesauce. 5000 ways to make mashed potatoes taste good. Chocolate, in pie, cake, or on fruit. Ice-cream and yogurt. Milkshakes. Chili.

Music that Old People Like:

We don't want your sex, ok George Michael. We don't want you to bring Sexy back, ok Justin Timberlake. We want Frank Sinatra, or if he's too outdated something like Billy Joel and Elton John, or if that's too outdated we'll even settle for Mariah Carey and Michael Bolton. We've been listening to the oldies and the 80s music for a long time. We've opened our hearts and ears to the rap and new music like Taylor Swifties and whoever. We don't want elevator music, but can you take it down a notch? And I don't want to hear the Jesus channel 24/7 either. Oy ve. When the robots sing about Jesus, I want to hurl. Yuck.

So there you have it. Old People are bored and lonely and have money to spend. We've already been to Six Flags, Disney World, and Busch Gardens. We don't want another rollercoaster. We want some nice rides, nice music, and food that won't break the few teeth we have left in our mouths.

Old People Matter!