Why Oracle is Cool Again?

Oracle is one of those companies everyone’s heard of — and almost no one can explain. So I decided to figure out how this forty-year-old dinosaur became one of the biggest winners of the AI gold rush.

Enterprise database cloud company.

Four words that make me want to close my laptop and scream into a pillow.

Shapeshifting tech monstrosity with a psychotic billionaire founder and forty years of Pentagon back-scratching baked into the DNA of American industry.

I’m talking about Oracle. One of Silicon Valley’s tech dinosaurs that’s suddenly having the year of its life.

The stock rose more then 40%, Oracle is deep in AI. Its co-founder Larry Ellison just became the richest man on Earth for a brief period. Oracle somehow weaseled its way into controlling the TikTok joint venture, and exploded 36% in a single day like it’s a goddamn penny stock.

But despite all these headlines, nobody seems to have a single clue what the hell Oracle actually does.

So I decided to figure it out myself.

I started my investigation by asking Oracle themselves what they do.

Subject: Quick existential question about Oracle

Hi Oracle team,

Hope this email finds you somewhere between a cloud and a database. I’m working on a story and realized I’ve read your About page three times and still can’t quite tell what you actually do.

In plain English — what’s the one-sentence version? Pretend you’re explaining it to a tired journalist who’s had too much coffee and not enough venture capital.

Appreciate any clarity before my brain turns into SQL code.

Best,

Arsalan

I did not get a response.

What does Oracle actually do?

At this point, I realized that even Oracle is going to need some help explaining Oracle.

Oracle is, at its core, a database company.

I know that sounds ancient and boring, but databases are how you manage, store, and access data. Customer records. Financial transactions. Supply chain information. All the back-end stuff that keeps businesses from imploding.

But if Oracle’s a database company, why are they suddenly in TikTok, AI, cloud computing, and software sales? How does a database company end up doing all of that?

Great question. And there’s actually a slightly evil connection between all of it.

Because databases are sticky. Once your corporate data lives inside Oracle’s system, it’s nearly impossible to rip it out without causing a corporate meltdown.

So Oracle figured out: “Hey, we already have their data. Why not sell them HR software? Supply chain software? And oh, while we’re at it — cloud computing too?”

Okay, now we’re cooking.

To look at Oracle’s history is to watch a company turn their early success into an evolving tech beast that shapeshifts with the times.

Oracle literally got their start as a CIA project.

Codenamed “Oracle,” Larry Ellison and his employer Ampex were building databases for the CIA.

Eventually, Larry and two colleagues split off to form their own company — which they named Oracle.

They went public in the ’80s focused on database tech. In the ’90s, they expanded into enterprise software — HR systems, accounting platforms, all that corporate jazz. After a feeding frenzy of acquisitions in the 2000s, Oracle pivoted to cloud computing with Oracle Cloud Infrastructure to battle Amazon Web Services and Google Cloud.

So If you’re a restaurant managing customer data? Oracle’s got a product. If you’re a city handling employee benefits? Oracle’s got a product. If you’re the United States Air Force managing supply chains? Oracle’s definitely got a product.

If you’ve existed in the last 40 years, there’s a solid chance you’ve bought something from Oracle.

God knows I did.

And Oracle became infamous for hardball sales tactics. They’d audit customers with the intensity of an IRS investigation, find licensing “violations,” then strong-arm them into brutal new contracts.

Oracle’s old-school, bulldogged reputation is perfectly embodied by their longtime CEO and co-founder, Larry Ellison.

Flying fighter jets. Racing yachts. Using the pickup line “Can I buy you a car?” Hiring private detectives to spy on Microsoft. Joking about eliminating another CEO. Owning 98% of a Hawaiian island.

Larry Ellison has truly led a life that can only be described as perfect for men who flex in front of the mirror.

But it’s his bulldog, old-head, ruthless steadfastness that’s credited with getting Oracle to where it is today — penetrated deep inside almost every sector of the business world.

And the latest two sectors Oracle is breaking into happen to be absolutely pumping hot right now: social media and AI.

If this current deal goes through, Oracle will oversee the US algorithm for TikTok and be part of the consortium that owns US operations. They already manage US user data through something called Project Texas.

Meanwhile, on the AI side, Oracle has spent the year completely changing itself — announcing massive infrastructure projects alongside Larry Ellison’s buddies at the White House, minting huge contracts with OpenAI, sending Oracle’s stock into orbit, briefly making Papa Ellison the richest man in the world, and inspiring little old me to wonder what the hell this company actually does.

But before you all go get an Oracle tramp stamp to match mine, pump the brakes.

A lot of Oracle’s hype comes from projected revenue that hasn’t been realized yet.

How exposed is Oracle to a potential AI bubble?

Massively. Oracle is tied to the fate of OpenAI — just like Nvidia, Broadcom, and AMD are riding the same AI infrastructure rocket.

And OpenAI is only generating around $13 billion in revenue — not nearly enough to pay for the billions in compute it owes these companies.

Which is why you’re hearing about these circular deals — a hallmark of bubble economics.

Plus, Oracle still needs to figure out how to acquire land for data centers, power them, find local governments cool with a massive humming factory in their backyard — and then figure out how to actually make money off them.

Now, I won’t lie, folks — at the end of the day, this is a story about a data company.

Quite frankly, it’s miraculous I made it through this without throwing my monitor out the window.

But it looks to me like the true answer to “What does Oracle actually do?” is: evolve with technology to survive at all costs.

From data management to cloud computing to artificial intelligence.

Is this all going to work out? Hell if I know.

My job was to figure out what this company does — and God damn it, I think I did it.

If you disagree, please send all complaints to my email where they will be promptly ignored.