Why do girls stop flirting with you after you puke on yourself?

Almost every guy out there can relate to this situation. You’re talking to a girl, or a few of them. It’s going well, you’re making them laugh, casual style. They really like the gag where you imbibe a prodigious amount of liquid within yourself in a short period of time. But then, something happens. As your body begins to reject the copious amount of fluid and propel it, along with a healthy amount of bile, onto the front of your cartoon-themed T-shirt (the natural conclusion to aforementioned gag), you start seeing strange expression on the faces of the women who just moments ago received your advances so well. Fear? Disgust? Dread? Loathing? What could this mean? As they turn away, you feel the shame seep in, much like the vomit has begun seeping into your jeans. Something similar to this has happened to almost every guy out there, guaranteed.

For example, when I was in middle school, I often times got a little too over zealous when it came to garnering the attention of my female classmates. Once, during an after school celebration with the track team, everything seemed to be going well. We were playing horse, lightning, I was making rounds on the climbing wall, and I was a total stud on the dodgeball court, and I hadn’t even disgorged a noxious glob of regurgitated complimentary box popsicles.

Towards the end, when the coaches were giving out speeches and awards, I had a little something going on with the girls directly behind me. There was winking, waving, batting of eyelashes, and typical coquettish flirtation. I finished my bottle of water, and feeling pretty thirsty, went to grab another. And another. More. I felt that I had a good thing going, given that the girls were giggling more and more with every bottle downed, and by the 6th bottle was feeling pretty full up on water, not to mention the amassing mountain of bottles surrounding my seat on the floor.

I started the 7th bottle, what would end up being my last, brimming with confidence. As I finished, setting the empty bottle down, I could feel all my core stabilizing muscles trying to get a hold on the amorphous mass of liquid burbling in my gut. My coach’s speech seemed to drone on and on, I had already gotten up to get a water and sat back down 7 times in a row, yet he was still going. Eventually, I threw up onto my stomach. I was ready to make my move.

But turning back to my classmates, their reactions seemed somehow negative. Something felt… Off. I began scooching over to parade around the mess I’d made, knocking over several of my collected water bottles in the process and making a noise that alerted the rest of the team to my antics. Feeling their eyes on me, I was overcome by a wave of self consciousness, and my instincts told me to turn around and stay put. As people started noticing the presence of puke in my general area, I succumbed to the mounting pressure and quickly left for the locker room to shower and change. When I returned, my water bottles had somehow disappeared, an opportunistic thief perhaps, but the puke remained, marking the spot that I obediently returned too.

Most men have a story of rejection just like this one.

But why do women sometimes react to our advances in this confusing, appalling way? Well, studies show that no matter what procedural steps you take or how charming you are, women subconsciously use several factors to determine the suitability of a mate’s chucked lunch. A simple mistake in these three areas can turn what you thought was a romantic gesture into a creepy failure. Let’s get into how you can insure the positive reception of your tossed cookies.

Now, what is the ideal amount of time to wait before barfing hot sludge all over your chest? Many observational studies have shown that there’s an ideal period of time after initiating contact with a woman in which to show her the contents of your stomach. Too early, you seem desperate, too late, she’s bored and tired of the gag. Dubbed “The Barfy-Locks Zone”, this ideal time takes place about 35 minutes after the woman registers you as an object of sexual desire, and lasts approximately 3 minutes 40 seconds. As you can see in my anecdote, I clearly waited too long to seal the deal. She’d lost interest 3 bottles before I went for the kill.

Another factor to consider is what foods should you eat, then, in preparation to spew chunks in front of your crush? Garlic, pickled eggs, beef liver and onions all ranked very highly in women’s opinion polls for best smelling bile profile. This might seem counter intuitive, why would anyone like those terrible smells? Well consider this: From an evolutionary standpoint, women are biologically incentivized to value high testosterone in potential mates, and all of these foods have testosterone boosting effects. Now, if you were a cave woman, and two men threw up in front of you, would you pick the assertive, meaty smelling one, or the one made of nothing but water and popsicles?

The proper setting is also very important to consider before ralphing your garlicky breakfast down the front of your Ren and Stimpy T-shirt. Is your, chucked lunch leaking out of the carriage of a ferris wheel with a romantic view of the sunset, or simply slurmping apathetically down the nearest storm drain? Location, location, location. Take the time to plan it out. Better alone at a scenic overview of the city than in the hallway with her friends watching. Girls certainly prefer these things to be private; Sometimes it’s a smarter decision to just not puke at all, at least not on the first date.

So, to review: Eat a hearty breakfast of steak and eggs seasoned with garlic and onion before taking your girl out to a romantic spot where you can be alone together. Precisely 35 minutes after you meet up, work your magic, and it’s smooth sailing from there. Extra tip: A large bottle of Pedialyte is helpful for when you can’t get ‘it’ up. Chug the whole thing while she isn’t looking.

Keep these key tips and mind and you’ll soon be discharging acidic bile soup with the best of them. The ladies’ll swoon, guaranteed! Good luck out there, Champ!

(Author’s Note):

Thank you for reading. If you thought it was disgusting, vile, and a waste of time, you are right. Sorry. I’d appreciate it if you followed me in spite of this article if not because of it.