What If?

It was 3 AM. I was lying in bed, thinking about my studies, my future, my family... thinking about life and what a failure I was.

“What if I hadn’t clicked that link?”

“What if I didn’t waste all that time?”

“What if I had learned that skill back then?”

“What if I actually executed the idea?”

“What if I just studied when I said I would?”

This what-if guilt is brutal. It’s like it’s digging knives into every part of me.

And as a guy, especially one who’s introverted and lacks confidence, talking about pain? Yeah, good luck. Most people either don’t care or never got the chance to speak up themselves.

I used to be extroverted. The happy kid. Always talking. Always moving.

But every space I entered school, the field, even friend groups I was ignored. When I played sports, I’d give my all... but win or lose, no one noticed me. I became invisible. Eventually, I gave up. On sports. On friends.

Speaking.

I became the introvert you see now.

Then came COVID-19. And with it? Isolation on steroids.

It was the beginning of everything breaking. I lost people I loved, especially my grandmother. I loved her so much. I miss her even now.

That time, I didn’t study. I didn’t grow.

I just existed, buried in mobile games, online classes I barely listened to, and a fake peace built out of distractions.

Then puberty hit.

For some people, it’s a glow-up.

For me? A curse.

A curse that dragged me down deeper than I ever thought I could go.

Remember that first “what if”?

“What if I didn’t click the link?”

Yeah, that link.

The one that shattered my mind filled it with things I should’ve never seen.

Smart people will get what I mean. I won’t spell it out.

But it stole time, energy, dignity, and confidence. It stole me.

What if I didn’t waste my time?

Social media. Games. Reels. Scrolling. Distractions.

Bro, how many years did we waste convincing ourselves we’re just "taking a break"?

We scroll past success, past health, past potential.

We’re not just wasting time; we’re killing possibilities.

What if I had learned that skill?

You ever look back and think, damn, if I started that thing in 2020, I’d be great at it by now.

I had so many chances. So many ideas.

But laziness, fear, and comfort they win if you don’t fight them.

The time passed anyway. But the progress? That never came.

What if I executed that idea?

Bro, I had ideas that could’ve changed my life.

Businesses. Brands. YouTube. Podcasts. I don’t even remember all of them.

But they never left the notes app.

And that’s not just me. That’s everyone playing it safe, hoping life changes without action.

What if I had studied?

This one hurts.

I’m not a topper. I’m not a backbencher either.

I’m that average student, the one who wants to do well but can’t focus, can’t retain, and can’t remember when it counts.

And every time exams come, it’s the same cycle:

“I’ll study tomorrow.”

“Okay, tonight.”

“Okay, I’ll just pass.”

Then you sit there, paper in front of you, regret heavy as hell.

I know this is getting heavy, so let’s flip it.

Let’s rewrite the What Ifs:

What if…

– I use that curse to make me stronger?

– Do I stop wasting time now?

– Do I learn the skill today?

– I execute the idea before it dies again in my head?

– I study not to be the best, just to be better than yesterday.

See, I’m 17.

Ugly. Addicted. Shattered.

But still breathing.

Still writing.

Still trying.

I don’t have motivation to give you.

But I got hope.

Hope that you can still become everything you were scared to be.

Hope that your pain isn’t a full stop, just a comma.

Hope that your guilt isn’t your enemy; it’s your sign to move.

Maybe this blog won’t get any readers.

But maybe... it didn’t need to.

Because this one?

This one was for me.

But if you read till here, maybe it was for you too.

Let’s stop writing what ifs from the past.

Let’s start writing What Ifs for the future.

What if you actually changed?

If you want the raw one of this blog, tell me in the comments. I don't want to share it because that one is full of mistakes, but that one is the painful one.