Until Next Time

There will likely be a news crew, and multitudes of people surrounding the house. Bringing my mother food and flowers.

My grandmother will probably hear of my passing via social media. My pictures plastered for the world to see, witness, and analyze my undoing. I wonder what it is they will say when I am gone…

“Oh my God!”

“Why would she do that to herself?”

“You would have never known.”

“She was too young.”

“Her life hadn’t even begun yet.”

And maybe it hasn’t, but the sad truth is, my life is a nightmare and all I wish in every moment of every single day, is to escape it. I hate waking up in the morning. I hate when my parents say that they love me, because I cannot recall the last time, they actually showed me any real attention. I hate walking down the halls at school and practically being invisible.

I used to find the loneliness and indistinctness comforting, at least people weren’t pointing and staring any more. At least the rumors had finally come to a halt. I am not a “whore, a bitch, crazy, weird, a freak.” That’s how they saw me.

Now they don’t see me at all and it’s strangely the worst thing that has happened. I mean at least people cared enough to talk.

Now, all of the eyes that were once on me, look right through me. The whispers as I would stroll past have ceased and now all that remains in the silence.

But it is not silent. At first it was a cry. The voices, all of the voices in my head, they cried. I cried. Cried for help, a friend, a family member Hell I even went to the counselor’s office and told her I am depressed. Only for her to give me some “informative pamphlet”.

I tried to become friends with the loners at school. They had to accept me; I mean c’mon we’re all loners. But I did not used to be. I used to be with the “in crowd” “the A-team” “the popular kids”, to them anyways So even the loners shunned me.

Then the voices screamed in an uproar. The anger soared through my veins like fuel to a tank. My heart cried no longer, instead it screamed “Fuck the world and everyone in it.” But the rage lasted only but for a moment.

I cannot pinpoint exactly what it is about life that really turns me off.

Perhaps it’s the lack of likes that I get on social media, or the plethora of likes when I polled whether I should kill myself, and my followers could care less if I lived or died.

Maybe its watching the girl I sit next to in math class who can barely add or subtract, let alone solve a linear equation, and wouldn’t know where to begin with quadratics. But she has 24k followers and everything she says matters.

She is only sixteen and is sponsored by Mac. Go figure I have no idea what she looks like without three layers on makeup that form a whole new face. It is so funny the world preaches natural beauty, but they praise the fake.

A tiny waist

Full lips

Hips that “don’t lie” whatever the hell that means.

See the sad truth is the world could never see the beauty in a girl like me. That is a truth I got when my boyfriend dumped me. It hit me like a bomb all at once.

It was the two of us against the world.

His name was Peyton and we came to have an “unbreakable” bond, the “greatest love story ever told.”

He would kiss me and make me promises of forever as we sat in my room and listened to rock and roll.

But it was all bullshit.

How do I know this? Because he left me, in the end. For the last person I would expect…

He is now dating my best friend.

Ex-best friend. Only a lying snake of a bitch could date the guy that you are in love with and call you the backstabber.

I still remember the day that I found out. I came home crying and today of all days my mom switched shifts. So, there she sat on the sofa as soon as I walked through the door. Puffy eyed. Endless tears streaming down. I just knew this was a mother daughter moment. You know that moment, you’re too embarrassed to admit that you need, because who wants to cuddle with their mom? But ya do.

Well, she hugged me and told me I would be fine. Okay mom, points for you, you started out all right.

That was until she got on her high school stories and wanted to reminisce on the hay day of her youth. Kudos to you mommy dearest! You gave me just what I needed in that moment.

A reminder that you were the beautiful popular girl in school, and I remain a looser.

After that I told myself, it did not matter that no one cared because two years from now I would be out of here. And I could do it. I would survive!

But the depression became too much, the darkness took me and now there is nothing left.

So instead of sitting here comparing which colleges I will attend next fall, which campus looks the best, which has the best chow hall. How many cute guys I saw on my last visit and comparing the dorms I will share with my best friend.

My choices are razor or pills.

Both sit on my nightstand next to the heart-shaped locket my mom gave me on my 12th birthday. She had a matching one. Told me we were best friends when and that she would always wear hers. But somewhere along the way she stopped. I shake my head at the thought of the bond we used to share.

With the razor sure I will have to first endure the pain. But at least I’ll go out with a bang. Dressed in all white as the blood bleeds from my wrist. They will find me here, the forgotten child. Feels….poetic, I guess.

Or the pills. I wouldn’t feel much at all, or maybe I will feel it all at once. But it will take a while what if something comes up? What if they save me in time?

Who am I kidding no one is going to disturb me.

It’s just me, myself, and I, decided how to die…

“Sweetie” A knock at my door, my mother’s voice on the other side.

The tears fall, and I cannot help but to cry, because despite the unclear pain that she has caused me, no one deserves to experience what she is about to go through.

“Yes?” I answer, my voice muffled, trying to hide my weeping cry.

My phone buzzes and there is a single notification, a text message and low and behold it is my lost love, Peyton.

“I miss you…”

That is all it says.

“Hey sweetie.” Mom is still there, but her voice is like white noise, in the background. I am much too moved by this text message.

“I wanted to take you out. Get our nails done, to the movies, maybe grab some ice-cream like we used to do. Oh and wear your locket. I’m wearing mine.”

In disbelief I sit. What has warranted me with all this attention?

Peyton text me, and now my mother wants to spend time.

With me?

The both of them want me?

Maybe it won’t last, maybe it’s all a ruse.

“C’mon, we haven’t done it in so long, we could use some mother daughter time.”

Unable to contain it, I smile.

“Yeah mom. I’ll be right out!”

“I miss you too.” I quickly reply to Peyton.

After lacing my shoes and throwing my hair in a simple ponytail and placing my heart shaped locket around my neck.

I look at the razor and the pills.

I almost ended it right here.

But this is not the end.

Not today.

There has been a change in the tide.

But before I can exit, leave, move on. My depression whispers to my soul…….

Until next time.