The Paradox of Some Generous Hearts: When Kindness Becomes a Trap

There is something very human about needing to be loved and to come close to others. And still, sometimes despite all their humanity, individuals are left alone. They are good, giving, faithful and even sometimes too good. They always need the best for others and work day and night to make others happy around them. But at times they find it difficult to find someone who will know them and love them the way they are. So why are these people alone even though they are full of so many good qualities?

The surplus of kindness is sometimes a burden
A kind and caring person generally carries the unseen burden on his shoulders: one of always making sacrifices for others. Their compassion has no limits, their listening ability has no limits and their willingness to look after the people they love is almost limitless. But by giving so much of themselves without consideration of expense, these people risk losing themselves. They occasionally forget to ask for what they need because they are so focused on others' needs. This puts them in a situation where they do not leave room for someone who could give care back to them as well. They receive giving in a relationship but not what they want: attention, comfort and real listening. This creates loneliness, even in the midst of a crowded situation.

Excessive self-giving is frightening
People who always offer and never cease offering can also be "too much" for others. This excessiveness in generosity is an oppressive, unspoken expectation. People become fearful from this, dreading the extreme level of kindness and attention provided by such people. Other people even end up feeling "indebted" or are unable to return the favor and this makes them distant emotionally. In a relationship, both should feel equal and if one becomes too withdrawing, there is no way to have an actual connection.

Hypersensitivity and anxiety of not being "perfect" enough
Sympathetic people become extremely sensitive to the feelings, needs and suffering of other people as well. They have the special attribute of being capable of thinking from other people's points of view and strongly connecting with what others experience. But this sensitivity is double-edged. With always having been so attuned to the other person's feelings and wants, these individuals will sometimes neglect themselves. They will be fearful of being a nuisance, of requiring assistance, or of appearing selfish. The fear of not being "perfect" enough in their relationships, of disappointing others, or of disappointing others' expectations will keep them frozen dead in their tracks from emotional risk-taking.

The desire for emotional reciprocity
The greatest desire of these caregiving people is often that they find someone who will love them with the same passion, purity and dedication that they give their relationship. But oftentimes, though, the search for reciprocity will become one of frustration. They give generously but find partners who are not able to respond with this same vigor. Others, due to unavailability or immaturity, cannot understand or connect with this boundless generosity. Perhaps the nurturing person just cannot find the perfect "reciprocal." Equilibrium is the foundation of a good relationship: if one is constantly giving and never getting in return, the relationship will drain itself.

The challenge of expressing vulnerability
Another reason some kind-hearted individuals are alone is that they struggle to be vulnerable. Being kind sometimes also involves presenting an image of being perfect, as if one has to be available all the time without ever letting down. This can be a pitfall. Such individuals are not perfect, they have flaws, scars and fears but they tend to conceal them so as not to disturb others. And it is in the inability to be vulnerable that the paradox lies: a person who is never weak and can do anything, but must secretly be heard, seen and loved for being faulted themselves. Vulnerability is necessary for real connections to occur but is instead seen as weakness, and weakness isolates.

The incessant search for equilibrium and fear of letting down
Lastly, empathetic people also put high expectations on themselves. They have such a beautiful capacity to love and nurture. Sensitive, caring, and committed human beings have much to offer. Their open-handedness to share, their hearing ear and their inclination towards doing good are valuable and precious virtues. But this love, as commendable as it is, can also be a source of isolation if not complemented by the attention and affection they also require. This is the solution of these people: to find a balance: to be able to give without losing themselves, to receive without guilt and, above all, to drop their guard. It is in this true mutuality that a healthy relationship can be formed, unencumbered by unrealistic expectations and social pressures. A caring individual is worthy of a relationship that is just as kind and genuine as they are.