The Job Application

Introduction

I originally thought this was actually poetry but it is so funny. It is from something I found in 2008 and have fluffed and tidied up to make it readable correcting spelling mistakes and then pairing it with the Dubliners "Paddy on The Bricks/The Sick Note" in Lego.

Humour is sometimes a very subjective thing but every line in this makes me laugh. I am not a funny person but I do know when people are funny. Many of my friends are stand-up comedians and can deliver laughs night after night in a live situation.

Humour in writing I find terribly difficult but this comes from a wickedly funny mind and I challenge you almost not to laugh. It was funny fourteen years ago and it is just as funny today. I am often tempted to do this sort of thing.

I remember when I first came up to Newcastle from Preston for a job interview, I couldn't find the place I was looking for then couldn't find anywhere to park and turned up two hours late for the interview in a grump mood. I told them everything they were doing was wrong and their main software tools were grossly inefficient and left after half an hour. Thirty minutes later my agency rang and said they wanted me to start on Monday as a Team Leader.

Supposedly a Real B& Q Application Form

Don't know if this is real or not, but is still very funny.

This is allegedly an actual job application that a 75-year-old pensioner submitted to B&Q in Tunbridge Wells. They hired him because he was so funny…..

It also reminds me of the Dubliners' "The Sick Note/Paddy And The Bricks"

NAME: Kenneth W (Grumpy Bastard)

SEX: Not lately, but I am looking for the right woman (or at least one who will cooperate)

DESIRED POSITION: Company’s Chief Executive or Managing Director. But seriously, whatever’s available. If I was in a position to be picky, Iwouldn’t be applying in the first place - would I?

DESIRED SALARY: £150,000 a year plus share options and a Tony Blair style redundancy package. If that’s not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION: Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.

PREVIOUS SALARY: A lot less than I’m worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING: It was a crap job.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.

PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m. Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they’re better suited to a more intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 lbs.?: Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be “Do you have a car that runs?”

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Reader’s Digest Timeshare Free Holiday Offer, so they tell me.

DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job - no! On my breaks - yes!

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy Swedish supermodel with big tits and who thinks I’m the greatest thing since sliced bread.

Actually, I’d like to be doing that now.

NEAREST RELATIVE….7 miles

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Oh yes, absolutely.

Whether or not your next application is like this is up to you, but don't blame me if you don't get the job!!