The Found Daughter

Dear Biological Family,

I don’t know how it happened, but you left me. I was left alone, in the middle of the street, with nothing on but underwear, at the age of four. I was lost in New Delhi, India. I was found by the police and taken to the orphanage. Luckily, I was adopted less than a year later and grew up in America. I lived a very privileged life. I had two parents who loved me and wanted me as their daughter. I had a sister who was also adopted. I had a lot of friends growing up. I was fortunate enough to have an education. I participated in gymnastics, ballet, and rock climbing. I also played the clarinet and piano. I went to college, and I met my husband. We have a beautiful son together.

Although I have a good life in America, something has constantly been nagging at me in the back of my mind all my life. What happened to you guys? What happened to me in India? Why don’t I have any memories from my time in India? Why did you leave me? Was I not good enough for you? Did you guys choose to desert me? Or did we accidentally get separated? Did you go looking for me when I disappeared? All these questions were stuck in my mind for twenty years.

I was introverted and shy because I was afraid of losing anybody else in my life. Silently, I always feared abandonment. From anyone I met. It’s probably why I took it so hard when I lost all my friends from my childhood after high school. They didn’t want me. They pretended to care about me, but then they all deserted me. They abandoned me. It all ties back to the moment I lost you. The moment I lost the two most important people who were supposed to love me unconditionally. The only way I get through it every day is to tell myself that I accidentally wandered off and got separated from you. You searched for me, but you were unable to find me. I have to tell myself that, or else the alternative is you purposely left me, and I would never be able to handle that reality.

I watched the movie “Lion” about an Indian boy who had a similar background as me. He got lost from his mother and brother in India. He was also taken to an orphanage and adopted fairly quickly by a nice Australian couple. He lived a privileged life, too. But he also had that hole in his heart that could only be filled by his biological family. Unlike me, he had memories of his time in India. At the end of the movie, he found his biological family. I was in tears and cried for weeks after watching the movie. I was so angry at God that I didn’t have my memories to find you.

Since I was adopted, I never had anyone who looked like me. It wasn’t until my son was born. Seeing all my physical traits in him took my breath away. It really made me realize how special and beautiful life was. It amazed me how DNA and genes built a completely different person, yet so similar to myself. I love my son unconditionally and would do anything for him. I would search all corners of the globe to find him if he ever got lost, and I would never give up on him. At what point did you give up on me?

I always question and doubt whether my husband truly loves me. I fear my son won’t love me when he gets older. I feel unworthy of love. Because of you. I fear my husband and son will abandon me one day. Because of you. I feel like I’m not capable of achieving anything. Because of you. It’s difficult to face my fears of meeting new people and making friends. Because of you. The list goes on.

But then something happened. Psychedelic mushrooms changed my reality and my mindset. I felt connected to the universe in ways I didn’t know were possible. Everything around me seemed magical and beautiful. It wasn't easy to process my thoughts, because they kept changing before I noticed it, and then they looped around again. Over and over. I cried a lot. I cried about my miscarriages. I cried about you guys. I cried about my fears. On an endless loop. Time was lost to me as I was consumed by my own mind. But, at the end of the journey, I felt lighter than before…calm…healed. I was found. I no longer carried the heavy weight of anger, sadness, and abandonment that I felt about you guys.

I said goodbye to the sad girl who felt sorry for herself for what she didn’t have. I said hello to the girl who finally realized all the beautiful things she did have. A family who loved her, a husband who loved her, and a beautiful son who loved her. She lost the family who didn’t want her, but she found another family who wanted her all along.

I finally realized that blood isn’t the only way to have a real family.

I resign from the role of the sad, abandoned daughter.

Sincerely,

The Found Daughter