Take a Step Back

Last year I had an epiphany.

Not everyone who means well, means well for you.

Also, you can't criticize people without criticizing yourself.

In life you'll encounter folks who claim they want to "help" you. Learn to watch their actions, it will speak more than the excuses they give when they mysteriously don't follow through.

In short, I learned people are self-righteous.

Gauging the intentions of people gets confusing when you perceive them to be good people, especially if they are loved ones. In previous years before this, I acknowledged that there's no such thing as a good person:

Because even "good" people have bad sides. "Bad" people can also have good sides. People are just people, bundles of chaos with the potential to be anything they put their minds to.

This year, or last year rather, my thoughts on this expanded as I realized the extent of it. Good people can have traumas, insecurities and jealousies that make them behave badly, almost like monsters. I found myself in a confusing situation as my perception of someone who I perceived as good but flawed came crumbling down once I witnessed them constantly lying, and picking fights with someone who had done nothing to them.

Hurt people hurt people, I know it's a saying but it's true. It was very sad to process that the hurt someone previously inflicted on them could have them turn around and do the same to someone else and worse.

Once that happened I was able to take a step back, seeing the new side helped me to realize that this person who seemed to mean well to me, looking back at their actions, they didn't mean well for me. They just wanted me to be near them, they didn't want me to leave. It didn't matter if I felt limited and miserable so long as they could have me around.

So I'll say this:

It doesn't matter how much you love or care for an individual, if a person is ignorant of a certain subject, lacks the connections, resources, and skills, they will not be able to help you, don't let them persuade or gaslight you into thinking otherwise.

It's not being a snob, it's simply just knowing better.

People will waste your time IF you let them.

Often times these people can sense you want to move on to your next phase in life, which at times means moving to a place with opportunity, and they don't want that. They would rather you be nearby, limited, and miserable, than independent and productive. They don't want to be alone due to their traumas and personal issues. Do not hate these individuals, even if they bring out the worst in you. Just wish them well. You might think they bring out the worst in you, but the opposite also applies, you being around them makes them want to cling to you and be possessive, like a lifeline. They need to learn to live on their own, that they'll be fine. As will you.

"Not everyone who means well, means well for you." Revisiting this subject, I also realized this also applies to ourselves.

We fail our selves, time and time again more than anyone. We think we can help ourselves, we mean to help ourselves, but we don't go about it the right way. We have self-sabotaging habits and live in cycles. We lack the wisdom to properly assess ourselves and our work ethic.

Not only that, we also fail other people, saying we'll help, or make promises but in the end fail to follow through. Some of the times life happens, other times, it's just plain selfishness.

Selfish Introversion

In the past I also liked the idea of being invited places and wanted to be present until the moment came and I didn't follow through or I just didn't communicate. I'm an introvert, but being introverted isn't an excuse. Some folks may not want to hear it but introversion is a hurdle we have to overcome to some extent. There's a thin line between introversion and selfishness, although it is un-intentional.

There is a song that has been playing constantly in my mind for the past few years. It's Through Heaven's Eyes, the song from the movie The Prince of Egypt. Each year the words replay in my mind. In the past year it was:

"A single thread in a tapestry, though its color brightly shines,

can never see its purpose in the pattern of the grand design..."

and

"So how can you see what your life is worth? Or where your value lies? You can never see through the eyes of man. You must look at your life, look at your life through heaven's eyes."

In the past year I was feeling stuck and stagnant, I had graduated from depression, but my confidence was at a low, I was going through a detachment phase, becoming numb to feelings like disappointment. It was only by detaching myself that I was able to assess my circumstances and formulate a plan to seek out a stabler environment.

This year, now that I'm in a new environment, these words constantly replay in my mind.

"You must learn to join the dance! You must learn to join the dance!"

Now I must heal, and grow. Gotta stop living in survival mode, and try to socialize and communicate more.

Without discipline we live in cycles of uncaught ignorance

I started taking writing courses because I wanted to be a better writer, and I wasn't good at assessing my own writing. After taking the courses, I was finally able to see my own flaws. Disorganized thoughts and stubborness. I knew it to some extent, it was always something I told myself I'd fix but never got around to fixing, why? I didn't know how badly this trait affected my work ethic, thought process, and writing patterns. If you have awareness and the willingness to fix it you can improve, but if not you're just wandering blindly in a labyrinth of your own making, refusing to learn and improve. It reminds me of the Pewdiepie Incident. Many artists were upset Pewdiepie could learn to draw well so quickly, they tried to dismiss him since he had the money and time to focus on it, but truthfully if you have the right work ethic, mindset, know how to teach yourself, and are constantly trying to learn, you will improve.

We're also the ones in our own way, wasting our own time. Holding ourselves back.

Learn how YOU decompress.

There are some days I find myself stuck in my room on the computer. I'm productive, until I get this suffocated feeling. My tank is on E, hours have flown by and I've forgotten to feed myself and basically live. I really want to work like a robot, but I'm not one.

I used to think I decompress by consuming media. That's not the case.

I realized I needed to actually unplug from the internet, refill my tank: Even simple things like taking a shower, washing my hair, washing the dishes, cleaning or re-organizing, or simply going for a walk, can refresh my spirits.

I also learned that I REALLY need to walk away from my writing. I can be impatient and want to fix it then and there, but I tend to miss things. So it seems the theme of my life would simply be learning to take a step back and reassess. Keep on trying and you'll eventually make progress.