Stupid Employees: Why a Career in Human Resources is the Cure for Liking People, But It Gives You Funny Stories

Disclaimer: The stories you are about to read are real. The names and certain identifiable details have been changed to protect the innocent, the guilt, and the incredibly stupid. If you are easily offended, this may not be the read for you.

It seems that the logical place to begin a series of stories about stupid employees is the pre-employment process. First, they submit an application, and then there is an interview… maybe.

What Have You Accomplished?

When creating a resumé, using a template can be helpful, but it needs to be customized to your experience.

One applicant for a dishwasher position used a professional resumé template. Company name, job title, job duties, and dates of employment are all useful information that work well for this resumé. However, some sections might not work as well. Under the header Professional Skills, he put “demonstrated speed and accuracy.” OK, I would not quite call those skills, but they are useful traits. Under the header Accomplishments, he wrote, “None.” If it does not apply, you probably want to leave that section off.

It is actually kind of impressive in a depressing sort of way that in two years at this job he accomplished absolutely nothing.

Does Spelling Count?

It is important to proofreading your resume. There are similarly spelled words that your computer may not pick up, such as from and form, so you should reread it a few times. Maybe even ask someone else to proofread it, too, in order to ensure that you do not have errors.

Yes, editing mistakes are bad, but it is even worse when the computer or phone tells you it is spelled wrong with that little red squiggly line under the word, but you still do not correct it. I received one online application that said, “I love working in a hospotail.”

I really hope she meant “hospital.” Otherwise, I’m concerned that her work preference may be something illegal in a few states.

Am I Qualified?

You do not necessarily have to be a perfect match for the job requirements to be considered, but you must match on something.

I posted a job for a Unit Clerk/Certified Nurse Aide position, and I got this response to the online application questions:

• How many years of clerical support experience in a healthcare setting do you have? 0
• How many years of computer and data entry experience do you have? 0
• Do you have current NYS Certified Nurse Aide certification? No
• Are you willing to undergo a background check if offered? Yes

This individual thought to herself, “I meet none of the requirements of the job, but I’m willing to undergo a background check, so they should totally want to hire me.” Needless to say, we did not offer to this candidate.

Oversharing

We had a question on the application as to whether the applicant had ever been convicted of a crime, and if so, to explain the nature of the crime.

This is exactly what one applicant wrote: “They hit me with burglary an it was my own house cause me and my baby mother was arguing an I had my key so they just gave me a misdemeanor.”

Wow! TMI! Honesty is a good thing… to a point. This went way past that point and to the point of too much information. “Domestic dispute” might have been a better response. Perhaps next time he will be arrested by the grammar police?

Is There A Dress Code For Interviews and Job Fairs?

Yes. Yes, there is! When attending an interview or a job fair, you want to dress appropriate for the job you are seeking. You don’t necessarily need a suit, but you want to make sure that your clothing is clean and presentable.

One example of inappropriate attire I saw at a job fair was a young woman wearing hot pink lipstick, a low-cut blouse, a super short skirt, fishnet stocking, and 4-inch heels. Hooker? Stripper? I don’t think recruiters for those jobs come to job fairs.

How Are You?

How are you? It seems to be a simple question. I thought everyone knew some common pleasantry with which to respond, such as “I’m well, thank you” or “Fine, how are you?”

I called an applicant for a phone interview, and I made the mistake of asking that question. She responded with, "Well, I'm doing better now. I woke up with a horrible migraine this morning. I felt awful, so I was late to work, but I'm here now."

Phone interview pro tip... Do not spend the first 60 seconds of your interview dumping your personal problems on the interviewer, then telling her you were late to work and now you are at work doing an interview instead of working.