STOP

“Goddamnit!”

“Hey! Don’t use the Lord’s name in vain, Jim.”

“What? This is frustrating. Seriously, stop giving me that look. Okay, let’s think this through for a moment. You honestly believe that with the vast amount of knowledge that we possess in today’s world about how we’re made up, how the planets came to be, what stars are, how utterly insignificant human existence is against the vastness of space and time…well, our perception of time at least…that the answer to all great mysteries is an omniscient puppet master requiring belief without proof?

Okay, I saw the eye roll, but you started this. There it is again – I noticed. Alright, in this…let’s call it a theory, you aren’t the least bit suspicious about the fact that it is the perfect pyramid scheme? Let me explain. I want to start a business that will get me rich, give me power, and perpetuate itself forever, so what do I do? I mass market an idea that my product is the best and most important thing to have ever existed, and anyone not funding it is both missing out on something huge and ultimately going to suffer if they don’t get on board.”

“Jim.”

“No, no, no, hang on. Let’s take this business model up a notch – if you buy it, not only will you be a part of a massive global group, but when you inevitably die one day, you’ll be rewarded posthumously with whatever is the greatest, most amazingly perfect things you can imagine. Forever. On the flip side, if you are exposed to my business and don’t take part in it, when you reach your unavoidable demise, you will be punished with the absolute worst, scariest, awful thing imaginable. And, the cost of membership is quite small, just commit to the product 100% with no uncertainty, set aside a portion of one day per week dedicated to the business, act in accordance with the company’s expectations, and throw in 10% of everything you make for the rest of your life.”

“Jim…”

“Okay, maybe 10% seems high, but don’t forget the unlimited joy and happiness versus, well, Hell. There is this one hitch though, in order to show full support for this product, you never get to see it, hear it, or touch it in any way, and you get no proof whatsoever of those rewards or punishments. You just have to buy in, and hope that you’re making the right decision. Oh yeah, and the product manual, the only, never updated product manual was written 1,500 years ago, which was 500 years after the events described in it took place.”

“Okay, but Jim…”

“Yeah, I probably wouldn’t buy into that business either, so I don’t know why you worry so much about me using an expression that at worst illustrates why I’m not on board with this. Honestly, I grew up in a strictly religious household, so I’ve had a lot of exposure to this. My mother never missed a Sunday at church, probably ever, and my father spent most of his non-working time helping people out at the church itself, or even at their homes. They spent so much time and money on all this. They were good people though, and they were always positive and upbeat, even when times were tough. Actually, they were oddly happier when life pushed back against them.”

“Jim.”

“Did I ever tell you that I was an altar-boy up until I became a teenager? We went to this tiny Catholic church out on that island near home. The priest was incredibly nice to us – not that newsworthy crap, I know what you’re thinking. Seriously, he was amazing, he spoke to us like adults, and really listened. I had faith back then, and he never pushed me to feel bad when I questioned it. He just answered me honestly, and sometimes he even said, ‘I don’t know’. Hmm…”

“Jim.”

“I miss that guy. Come to think of it, I miss that feeling. My folks always seemed to have such peace. Wow, I’ve never dissected this in quite this fashion before. I know it’s not a shock, but I love to debate things, and I kind of get off on finding holes in broadly supported ideas and then picking them apart. There’s that eye roll again. I don’t know, maybe I’m wrong – I have been wrong before, you know. I’ve always thought about Jesus Christ as being this good, cool guy, and assuming people just got his story mixed up along the way. Like, perhaps he said that we are all ‘children of God’, and in that vein, he too was the ‘son of God’, and over the following five centuries, people just fouled up the sentiment. But maybe, maybe it doesn’t matter. Maybe my folks and even my experiences are the proof. Maybe I’ve been so hung up on pulling apart the sweater by a thread that I’ve neglected to look at the beauty of the garment itself…”

“Jim!”

“What, what?”

Goddamnit! It’s a green light, drive already!”

“Oh, thank God.”