Resigning To The Hurt

Dear Life,

I find myself struggling to understand who I am. It's ineffable.

Standing alone at this crossroad, I'm left to figure out just what the hell happened. How did we miss the signs and maneuver the turns so poorly that we crashed into walls we inadvertently created for our protection. Only now revealing the roles have been reversed and I have become the job, and you are in control.

I watched, fully aware, as you (life), broke my body open, weighed my soul and signal its end.

I have become fluid, an ever changing and fragile fragment of the once strong and confident person I was, in the beginning.

I still vividly remember the day I agreed to take you on. I was young, courageous, bold, carefree, brave and full of, well, you... (life).

But, somehow, through the miles and smiles, trials and mishaps, strengths and weaknesses, I am sad to say I've lost that spark. I lost the key, misplaced the plan, forgot the goal, dismissed the desire, discarded the heart I once had intended to carry out those dreams. I was so sure they would be easy to meet. Those expectations that once seemed so small, insignificant even, standing just in the way of the next big idea.

But now, here I stand, hat in my hand, ravaged with regret, burdened with what if's and might have beens. Having wrestled with the devil himself, making illegitimate deals with souls that are no longer mine. Singed by the heat of the lightning that flashed, as I stood, stunned, lost in the storms that claimed my joy and battered my hope, until I found myself, standing here before you, begging for mercy and resigning to my defeat.

For years you poured over me multitudes of opportunities and blessed me with success. Showing me the rewards of application and effort. I felt the soft grass beneath my feet and the warm sun as it kissed my face, while the gentle breeze, cooled my brow. Laughter filled my ears as rainbows flooded the sky with promise. I watched in awe as the storms passed, leaving me feeling renewed and surrounded with the smell of the beauty of a new day.

I had it all, and then, like a tsunami, the tides turned. The earth shook and my world fell apart. Shattered on the ground, my peace in pieces. The taste of tears on my tongue, streaking my face like a warrior, as the sun hid its face.

You turned on a dime, with no concern for anything but your own survival. I watched as you dismissed my plight. Shrugged at my pain, and raised your expectations of me. "No rest for the weary", you called, smiling as you added to the piles of responsibilities that grew like topless mountains into the haze of my mind.

You left me, lost and abandoned, disillusioned by your promises, to navigate alone, neglected by your need.

I waited for you to come and reclaim me into your good graces, hoping it was only oversight that led me to this side of your reprieve. I held out hope that the new day would return me to my place of contentment and I would once again find my purpose, my place in the grand scheme of things. As they were in the beginning.

Years passed and still everyday goes on, even without my participation. Some days leaving me to believe that I have been deemed insignificant.

I would like to, at this time, tender my resignation. I am done, I quit.

I no longer feel equipped to fulfill my duties here in this climate.

I believe it would be in the best interest of all parties involved for us to part on good terms. I hold no ill will for the paths in which we must now choose, separately. It serves neither of us to continue as we have, and is best to put an end to this relationship, immediately.

As I exit, I will do my best to leave knowing I have given my all and that we have simply outgrown this partnership.

You will go on, as you have already, and I will find my place, learning to embrace the skills I have acquired here, to help me adapt to my new position and surroundings.

Fluid, as you have prepared me. Forever changing and progressing. Renewing and designing, preparing for who I will be and for what is to come. I will continue, pouring who I am and what I have experienced into my own. My inspirations will flow through the veins of my existence. My desires will be reborn and moulded to fit the cogs of what will be, and I will find my place.

I have no doubt that you will flourish and grow in new and different directions, as will I. For this is how (life) you, intended it to be.

I am eternally grateful for the lessons, painful as they were, that have made me stronger. Fitted for a position I have yet to discover. Stronger and changed for the better.

I wish you all the best,

Sincerely,

A Survivor