On Becoming the Great

As an anxious overthinker, I tend to put myself through imaginary scenarios more often than Id like to admit. Sometimes the scenarios play out as happy fantasies and sometimes they’re the stuff of nightmares. Regardless whether they’re good or bad, I find comfort in knowing they are not real. I can alter myself and my emotions to fit the narrative and create whatever ending I choose. Real life doesn’t work that way. There is no rewinding, no do-overs. You take action and deal with the effects as they come. Life is full of ups and downs. Cliché to say, but true. It is in my experience that when life gets low, you find out who you really are and what you’re truly capable of.

For a time, life was great. I was excelling professionally and financially and I had just met the most wonderful man. We had many shared interests and values. I really thought I had found my person. We started to plan a life together. We were actively trying to start a family. We had dreams of running a company together and buying a home in Florida (yeah, I know, try not to laugh too hard). This was the story I told everyone. This was what I portrayed on social media. Behind the scenes though there was abuse, control, cheating and lies. Despite all of this, I was determined to keep the fantasy alive. I played out so many scenarios in my head where I would finally prove my worth and get that happily ever after. Then one day, the opportunity came, or so I thought. One day my wonderful man decided he wanted to take action. He was tired of the talk and dreaming. We were going to Florida. This was my chance! If I could bring all of our plans to fruition then I would be worthy of the love and respect I craved. I got to work immediately and started applying for work. It wasn’t long before I got an offer. I lived in New York at the time so I was given one month to relocate. You can imagine my excitement as I rushed to my love to give him the good news. That’s when it all fell apart. It all got too real for him and he found a way to back out. The week before moving day he told me he wanted to be with someone else and it was over. I was devastated! It turns out he never had any intentions of coming with me from the start and all the savings he had accumulated for us never existed.

Part of me wanted to quit too. Honestly, even now, I can’t tell you for sure if it was the heartbreak the pandemic, or my stubborn desire to prove people wrong, but I left. You see, before this great love, I had been in a ten year relationship with my first ever boyfriend. There were so many things I wanted to do in all of those years but I never did because my partner didn’t share my vision. I was tired of living for men, it was time to start my life. So with nothing more than $5000 I packed my car and drove off. I had no place to stay and no plan other than a job. Luckily a good friend of mine asked her mother if I could stay in her home in Tampa until I got on my feet. I was distraught but at least I had a place to stay and some money in my pocket. I used to like to say “it could be worse” but now I’ve learned not to test the Universe.

I arrived at my destination two days before I was to start working. My new job was about an hour and a half away from my current residence so I decided to familiarize myself with the route the day before. I had made it no further than two miles before my car started making a horribly loud noise that resembled metal being dragged on the concrete and seconds later there was smoke everywhere. I drove to a nearby Mavis to find out that the part and labor on my car was going to cost me $1,400 and that was if I could find the part used. Still, I kept going. I left my car at the shop and took an Uber to the airport to pick up a rental. Afterall, it could be worse, right? Spoiler alert, it get’s worse. The next day, I arrived at my new job to find an obviously toxic work environment. Between gas, food, car repairs, and my $15 daily parking fee at work, my money was going fast. By the end of my first week, I was exhausted in every way possible. Now the whole time I had a cousin who lived in Miami and he was in contact with me through my whole journey. He offered me a second solution. He told me to come stay with him. I thought he was insane. He lived in a teeny tiny efficiency apartment with a big dog and a cat. If I were to leave, I would have no job and very little money. Truthfully, my cousin was already struggling financially. I couldn’t put that burden on him.

Again, came that sinking feeling of failure. I could always give up and go back home. I had still had a job if I wanted it and I could move in with my mom for as long as I needed. I knew it was a good idea. It was, easy, smart and safe. All my life, I played it safe. I was the good girl that listened and always did as I was told. Then I played the part of the good “wife”. I was faithful, loyal, and supportive at all costs. I did everything right and yet here I was broke, alone, and heartbroken. I may have been comfortable at home, but I wasn’t happy. That was what I wanted most of all. I wanted to be free and happy. So that Friday, I packed up my car and left for Miami. I said goodbye to my friend’s mother and left her some cash to show my appreciation. I went AWOL on my new job. I’m not proud of it but I didn’t care. I didn’t have a plan, but I had a goal and that was enough. You see, that is when I discovered the REAL me. Once upon a time, I would’ve described myself as a shy and pleasant people pleaser. I was careful and smart. Now I know, I am so much more than that. I am strong, I am resilient. I am a hustler. I set goals and find a way to achieve them.

I drove off to Miami with no real plan. I was strictly on survival mode. I was going to use what was left of my finances to help my cousin with the house hold expenses until I found a job. My first week there was not much easier than my last. I found myself having to drive back and forth from Miami to Tampa searching for the part my car needed and bringing it back to the mechanic. Eventually my car was fixed. I was able to take back the rental (thank goodness for unlimited mileage!) and drive back to get settled in Miami. I think the universe was impressed with me for luck finally decided to come my way. My friend called me and told me her boss was looking for another employee and was willing to hire me remotely (thanks to her raving review and the new norms created by the pandemic). It turns out there was going to be a vacancy in my cousins building within a month and so I spoke with the landlord and signed a lease. Within a month, I had a new job and my own apartment. I was blessed. I am blessed. I might struggle a bit financially but I always manage to make ends meet and for once in a very long time, I am truly happy.

The safe me wants to remain content and comfortable. The problem is that I’ve discovered the real me and now there’s no turning back. I might not have a firm plan but I have goals and I will achieve them with every opportunity I seek. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not delusional. I know that luck and love were huge factors of my current success. But isn’t that how it always goes when the Greats tell their story? Now I am far from being one of the Greats, but I will get there.