Offloading #1

No matter how much work I put towards solving my problems they just keep getting worse. All it takes is one stupid comment and I am the urge of doing things I shouldn't be doing. It took me twenty years to lose 20KG and in those years it kept going up and down. The only thing that seemed to work is skipping meals, compulsive exersise and making myself sick.

Though I didn't realise until recently that overexersing counted towards a form of putting. I thought it was only just making yourself sick but when I looked into it there are different ways too: skipping meals, starving yourself, supplement overdose and laxative abuse are all forms of purging.

Nobody seems to believe me when I say I think I have an eating disoder. They snap at me and say it's my own fault. They say it's stress from toxic men. But it's more to it than that. All it takes is one stupid comment saying and I won't eat for the rest of the day.

My PCOS has crippled me. There is not enough help for people who suffer with it. PCOS murdered my children before they got the chance to take their first breath. It has stolen my beauty, my dreams and any chance of me being datable. Nobody is every going to love me like Pim did, so I wish people would stop giving me false hope that I will find someone. I already had the love of my life, and he's gone and never coming back.

I overheard a close friend of mine call me a retard. We've not really spoken since. He said I misunderstood what I said and took it out of context but he used my past against me. He could have said it to my face. Lots of people heard him too. I don't think I will ever hear from him again. I hate the word retard, there's a million other words he could have picked. He did not have to use the retard word. He has autism too and he should know better than everyone else.

He and all the other so called friends may as well stab me in the back and the front. I found out who my real friends were though. Thenguy that called me a retard, I used to be best friends with his boyfriend and now that friendship is strained.

In London I did make myself sick. I was cornered in a room and they blamed the vegan burger. I told my brother the truth and that was when he both overheard what happened.

I'm in Greece now. I should be happy. I know when I get back I will lots of things to sort out and I been reaching out to mental health helplines and charities a bit. I am too ashamed to reach out to close friends and family sometimes.

I have been texting mental health lines and charities a few times they often help take me go to the right place when my mind is dark and sometimes you need that flickering candle. I need to be stronger, people rely on me all the time but I am so burned out that I can't nourish myself a lot of the time.

When I come back from my holiday I will lots of writing, reading and also the gym and I want to go back to being the Chloe that everyone likes to be around. I didn't want to drink in London cause I was worried about everything like money, weight even breathing in air makes me feel like I am gaining pounds.