Memories: 8 January 2026

8 January 2026

3:43 am I just woke up after 3:27 hours and 1:5 events of not breathing per hour, from a nightmare that I was working for some underbelly organisation, setting some AI booby trap on some circuitry, (which in real life I would not even know how to do!) when a man walked up to my front door, bold as brass and pumped a bolt action shotgun right at my face.

I stood there in shock, closed my eyes and expected instant death. But after several attempts he too seemed shocked and threw the rather hefty weapon down and ran away. He was a short nuggetty man with red hair and a ruddy complexion. The dream was filled with golden light, as though it was early afternoon?

Someone, a male of my vintage was in my house with me. He ran into the room and asked me what had just happened? I replied very calmly ”Oh you know…he failed. The bullets did not implode….but I am

A Dead Woman Walking….they will have to keep trying”. Then I woke up.

I have been watching too many horror or murder movies. Maybe… it hit me like a chill upon awakening that it explains everything over the last two years: the foul set ups, toying with my authentic love emotions, with my hopes and dreams, trying to debase and humiliate me in public, then all my closer friends abandoning me in the past two months.

They know. They know my life is winding down to its penultimate end. Hence the rejection and abandonment cos fear does that to people….makes them distance from you.

I never expected in a million years that my life should be so utterly ruined this way: just for holding my line on the Covid issue. It’s the purest of evil layered on a multitude of other evils I had already survived.

But my subconscious is trying to prepare me for the fact that no one has stayed loyal except my psychiatrist and this is why.

So there is nothing I can do now…but wait. The gunman in the dream forgot to load the bullets but in real life it doesn’t work that way. Death will come for me when She is ready. In the meantime, I will continue to live as I have always done…in dignity, honour and in as much comfort and ease as I can gift myself given I barely subsist on the Disability pension.

Life might have a few surprises in store for me yet. Better safer saner friends might come to share life with me. My health might improve so I can finally be blessed with a true heartfelt authentic love partnership one day.

I remember a prophet from decades ago: “When you are in you 60th year you will find your true love and he won’t ever leave you willingly”. I always thought that was a strange outcome. But now I realise I have a true love…a truly honouring caring platonic love that can never be tainted or sullied or sold out by something sexual. The one man to still be loyal and caring to me? Is my psychiatrist.

It’s a powerful love that exists between us. Respectful, honouring and caring. A powerful therapeutic alliance.

It will never be sexual: he is gay and my psychotherapist. But I know he will never abandon me as his patient, not willingly, like everyone else has done.

I am grateful for that. It only takes one person to keep me alive, with the courage to care.

(I am making this post “Only Me!” But I know fb staff are sharing my posts amongst themselves or with other government agencies.) Creepy as fuck.

But so you know, I am not completely isolated….not yet. One man has all my documented Truth of everything I have experienced. I will never be silenced).

…

A better result.

8 January 2025

Hohum…another good result. Another day in paradise! What magick shall the Psychedelic Dreamer weave today? Hmmm. Still tired but I will push against that as I do every day. Alive in the Dreaming, metamorphosing every day…as I do! There is a high vibration in the house..almost feels like “singing”. Probably nothing more stimulating than emf radiation. Lol. I need the sea. I better take myself somewhere soon.

…

By all the gods… I have finished (except for some more coppers pots and decorations) arghhhhh. Remind me why I live in my own quiet museum? Lol. But polishing copper is activating Venusian energies. Baruch hu haba’ah! ;-) Clean windows…clear mind.

….

I had this cute photo come up in my memories: my little neighbour I dressed up with fake pearls and my fox stole! (I never wear it as it lost its tail but hangs off my four poster bed railing). She looks so cute! Now she is a teenager! Where did that time go?!

Her father’s family are Polish like my ancestry and her great grandmother on her mother’s side was/is Russian. I met her great grandmother when they first moved in. She took one look at me and said “Oh, you are a Witch! Yes, yes… this will be very lucky for my family! Good luck to live next door to a witch!”

Her family looked at me with embarrassment and astonishment. (I was not wearing anything discernably “witchy” but had a nice summer frock on! Tash apologised to me. I said “No it’s okay, those from the old country recognise my spirit when they meet me. It was not meant in an ugly Othering way. Perhaps I will indeed bring you luck!”

Then I went on to predict the incoming births of both this child and her baby sister in rather astonishing ways. So I had to come to terms that I was no longer a witch by reputation only, but in real practise as well. Lmao.

…

Today I had my debrief with my psychiatrist. I told him I am witnessing rather astonishing and serious neurological changes in many people around me. That we have all been altered as species. Yes, even we unvaccinated as after catching Covid, we have the spike protein, and also shedding symptoms too. That I find it all very alarming and chilling.

But anyway, waiting in the reception I had a wee chat with his secretary, Des. She asked me how my Christmas was? I told her it was quiet as usual, as I lay low during that time period apart from Jarrod visiting me on Boxing day where we had quite a bit of poltergeist activity which continued intermittently until Dec 31st before ceasing.

She said she would have been terrified. I told her there was no threat attached to it, it was more like mischievous kids demanding attention. I told her that my house is quite old now and has many spirits that come and go from it. If it gets too much I perform banishing rituals.

So I then asked her how her Christmas was? She told me she spent it with her adult kids, their partners, grandchildren at Stradbroke Island. Then she showed me a photo of a very large group of people. She said she had started the tradition of going there every Christmas but now her adult kids invite their friends and families so there is quite a large group now.

I replied that I don’t often get jealous but now I am because she did something right with her parenting that her adult kids love her enough to actually want to spend time with her at Christmas but are also proud and happy to spend it with her and all their friends as well. That she is greatly loved!

Des replied “Oh, thanks Tanya!” I replied “No, really! You don’t know how happy that makes me and how very fortunate you are”.

Even Brian, my doctor had to chuckle when I said passionately “I don’t usually get jealous as it’s such a waste of precious energy, but by the gods I am Jealous now!” We all giggled!

I think I made her day! Imagine, an entire family group and their friends, at Stradbroke island (sea and surf!) enjoying each others’ company and loving each other over the Christmas period.

While I sat in my squalid hermitage with dirty windows (ahem…working in that!) and my assorted poltergeists and fae taking the piss out of my Chanukah celebrations by knocking down the shamash! Wahhh.

I wonder if I can somehow change that pattern next year? Hmmm……hmmmm. Something to think about, I suppose. Maybe I might go to Stradbroke too, next Christmas season. If I have enough money.

8 January 2023

The ED doctor was a decent human being. I am still processing what he said. Which basically was that I don’t have an infection but did have bacterial contamination.

He referred to the tvt tape as a potential risk for bladder cancer although he saw no evidence that I have bladder cancer yet. He did refer to it as “that alien thing attached to your body” so I knew then he understood that I have been seriously harmed by it and that after 15 years it is now failing me.

Cryptically he advised me to not (unless absolutely necessary) have any radiology scans as the radiation will put my bladder at further risk of cancers. He repeated this statement when I looked at him in shock.

He also informed me that my entire QE 2 hospital file is missing and that it is possibly archived but since it was missing he could not cross reference any of my urology reports from the past 15 years since I had that surgery. He looked genuinely as shocked as I was, to discover my file is missing.

He recommended I gather together all patient notes from any doctor I had ever visited via FOI but I could expect that large swathes would be redacted if it affected other interested parties.

I told him I understood as I once worked for the office of Health Practitioners Board as their archivist (as a temp for 2 months). It was amazing how much vital information would be redacted.

He started shaking. I did too. I wisely took my friend along as a patient advocate because I needed another witness and my friend was equally shocked to learn that it was not recommended I have scans because of the quote “radiation” unquote.

I know it is advisable to limit X-rays etc but never have I been point blank told to avoid them at all costs before. This information along with my QE 2 file being missing is deeply alarming.

I am not sure how to process this information. I was a patient of that hospital for dentistry, colonoscopies and that evil infamous bladder surgery, vagina repair and hysterectomy which has caused bad health outcomes for my bladder and now that file is “unavailable”.

He explained that all medical files were digitalised 5 years ago and that possibly explains why my 15 year old paper file is lost.

No…that cannot possibly be. I know as a one time archivist how precious those patient files are.

He admitted that he was able to read my Princess Alexandria hospital file and stared into my eyes rather meaningfully. I stared back. That surgery was three and half years ago so would be still freshly digitised and as I had the fight of my life pursuant to the abuse at that surgery I can only imagine the lies and obfuscation of duty of care they (the health professionals or Qld health heirarchy) wrote about me.

Hopefully though they wrote a fair and truthful catalogue of events. Because I know I did…and my conscience is clear.

I know now that I need to see a gp if I want further investigation of my bladder. I will need one for asthma medication at any rate. Surely that cannot be withheld from me as a basic human right?

I also know that my bladder may have something serious wrong with it but he suggested I may have to make peace with that and accept any pain relief that is offered at a future time. Ie I will potentially be terminal from this.

He did offer me Lyrica but I refused as I had it in 2018 when my left leg was collapsing out under me and Lyrica did nothing to heal that situation or provide relief. Neither did Mobic. Which I joked at the time sounds like a Serbian death Squad…I know…dark and not actually funny….but I will not be pumped full of cocktails of drugs issued by Big Pharma which I personally know do not work for me.

I am treatment resistant. From years of near death experiences as a young child. It’s how my brain rewired itself. Sad but true!

He also advised me to keep dancing. Ie enjoy what is left of my ravaged body after decades of malpractice and malfeasance.

So I have decided that as long as I can dance without pain or incontinence or too much pressure on my bladder or organs or joints that I will continue to strive to extract whatever joy I can from life.

Life is after all for the courageous, the vital and fully fleshed out blossoming ones. Yes even at this late stage of life when medical treatment is problematic as one is disappeared so to speak via one’s medical records.

Well…I have beaten the odds before and no doubt with the help of the gods and my angels…I will again.

I feel much gratitude to this doctor I consulted with this evening for being a mensch enough to tell me the truth.

I am also grateful to my dear friend who sat with me for hours and acted at a patient advocate for me.

Thank you dear heart xxx

…

3 hours later. Waiting on results from my blood tests. I need to see a urologist…duhhh. Fearful that nothing will be done again.

The doctor made a comment “good luck finding a doctor you can get along with…” then after I shot him my death stare from behind my mask, he quickly covered by saying “there’s a lot of options out there” .

Really? No there is not. Finding a real doctor with basic human dignity for their suffering mature age female patient is actually as rare as hens teeth in this zombie apocalypse. But here I am…stubbornly trying to get treatment from the same hospital that damaged me with the tvt tape. It’s insane…really. Utterly!

I have prayed to God to be treated properly and taken seriously. Time will tell. I may not have enough time. But I have the patience and resilience of Job.

…

…

….

11 am I finally got some sleep after passing out around dawn (5 am ish). Omgggg. But I feel refreshed so that is a good start to this day.

As I was waking up I heard the words: Blintzes. What? I asked. Blintzes…blintzes, blintzes. These are Jewish food. Thin Pancakes folded up in a package stuffed with ricotta and jam or honey or stewed fruit. I haven’t had one in years.

So my synapsing brain started musing about all the effort it would take to make blintzes which I have not made in decades except maybe once or twice. Then I started musing over who the hell is reminding me of blintzes when I have barely opened my eyes or started processing thoughts, words, actions.

My mother in law of Blessèd memory used to make them all the time. She spoke Yiddish and made traditional polish Jewish food. It might have been her.

If so…interesting. I have had a spirit around the house in recent days. One that Beauregard can see as he watches the hallway (which is in the centre of my house and acts as a sort of portal I think!)

I knew it was a friendly or good spirit as he seemed to wag his tail in greeting to it. Ratih, my Muslim cleaning lady also noticed him fixating in the hallway when she said goodbye to him, after finishing her work.

I had wondered who the spirit might be. So Blintzes could be either Hilda who made them often or my father in law Harry who loved eating them.

Funny old world. Although to be fair it could be any spirit just messing with my memories or someone that likes blintzes.

Or I got it wrong and they said “Blitzes”. A figurative slap up the side of my head …they definitely showed me the blintzes dripping with honey. Mmmm….hmmmmm. Now I am hungry and need to haul my arse out of bed.

Boker Tov, Chaverim. Good morning, friends. The Tanya must arise from her insomniac doom and fend off the gloaming and make a day for herself.

Hilda died alone and abandoned, of a heart attack (grief) so if she’s here, it’s a bit of a worry as she knows I am not well again. But Love is the Law and I will fight on another day.

…

3:49 am no sleep. Up all night. I might as well have gone dancing. Beauregard is also restless. He keeps jumping off the bed and running into the hall, looking for some invisible entity.

Just now he asked to go outside again. He gnawed on some grass. Mused a while, then came back inside with me.

Around 2 am we both sat outside on the dewy grass and soaked up the luminescent light under the full moon. It was beautiful. The light shone all over my back garden and the air was cool and fresh.

I don’t understand why I can’t sleep. It’s a tad insane as physically I feel tired. My bladder is constantly squeezing. It’s getting rather annoying!

But I guess I will sleep enough when I am dead. I already lost 30 years to oversleeping. So now my body knows it’s time on earth is limited, it wants to pee, dance, create and never sleep again.

I feel like dancing under the moon. But instead I lie here, craving sleep. Oh well..see you on the flip side.

8 January 2022

8 January 2021

No dancing tonight. My debrief cancelled also. 3 day lockdown to try to contain the new UK mutant strain of Covid 19. Nasty business. Just when things were starting to begin to be “normal”. But life is never what it seems...

…

I have decided to go ahead with the cbd oil trial after all. The compounding pharmacy does not have any in stock until mid January. I figure I won’t know if it has any beneficial effects unless I trial it.

I think with this Covid mutant strain running amok it will cause further trauma activation and/or stress so I will need all the extra help I can get.

….

…

8 January 2020

Laila tov/good night! It’s a beautiful night outside. The moon is waxing. In a few more nights it shall be full.

I must close my eyes and hallucinate for a few hours as psychedelic dreamers are created to do.

I hope I have better dreams than last night which were a bit awful as I dreamt of a man with a suppurating pustulant huge pimple on the back of his neck. It was really gross.

So that’s nice!!! Maybe tonight someone will have excavated it for him and slapped on a bandage. Better yet I hope to have much more pleasant, less medically grisly dreams. But you never know what you are gonna get.

…

I have had another good day. Two days in a row. Woohoo! It was extremely hot today though. But it’s a typical Australian summer. A new kind of “normal” we will adjust and strive to Thrive again.

…

3:33 pm fishpond filters cleaned. It was so hot out there I am dripping in sweat and even hyperventilated. Heart pounding. Breathless. But I got the job done. I also went back out and affixed my Stevie Smith arm back in place on the top metal grate. “I’m not waving, I’m drowning”...in sweat.

The electrician who came to quote for the new air conditioner commented how hot it is. I said “I am conscious that it’s only going to get hotter!” After almost 17 years of suffering in the heat I give up.

I prayed to my Angels for help with an air con and miraculously one of my Earthangels is buying me one. I feel very much loved and protected!!! Hopefully the quote is a reasonable price. He will let me know tomorrow.

To be fair I prayed for other things too, like much needed rain where the fires are and a better love life. So the aircon is one big sign that my prayers are being answered. It even rained on the east coast a bit.

As for my love life... that might take a bit more than a miracle as humans have free will. Ahem!

…

….

The last page of “The Mystery of You” by Adin Steinsaktz and Ron Goldschlager which I won years ago (I rarely win anything!) in a competition in Jwire. I only read it halfway through and was flicking to the end out of curiousity as I am going through my frummy books with the intention to donate them to one of the shule libraries.

But the message reinforced what my lawnmower man just told me. I must be my own light. Let go of past traumas. Shine my light even more.

I told him I am like a prickly fiery fireball, incandescent with inner fire and can’t possibly shine anymore! But it seems HaShem wants to remind me that I am not yet completed in my “Becoming”.

I have fallen and fallen and fallen and still mysteriously with the help of my Angels, both ethereal and physical, Rise and Shine and Blossom in the Divine.

At Amanda’s coffee shop this morning where I stopped to say Hello after getting money out for my lawnmower man...she told me one of our young acquaintances who was as spiritual as I, has killed herself. Awful. But I get it.

I told Amanda that I often tell my much younger friends that you can survive most things but only if you surround yourself with truly good people who have your back and are genuine and authentic. It’s not always easy to find them.

But I am living proof that one can survive into middle age even after decades of trauma and depression. But young people dying is becoming far too common. Life is not meant to be so hard but the bushfires and other calamities are a reminder of how precarious life really is.

I squeeze every ounce out of every day as I too know more than most how trauma and depression and grief can steal ones joy and innate lifeforce and in a moment of hellish proportions can tip us trauma survivors into making a permanent decision for a temporary solution.

I am okay with life and gifted with beautiful souls who love me even in my arrant darkness. I am therefore lucky. Luckier than Lani who did not make it. May she find rest and peace in the eternal loving arms of the Ein Sof Aur.

No punishment from angry judgemental white-bearded patriarchal gods. Only eternal Light and peace and soul healing. Her journey continues. I ask the angels to protect her. Her hell has ended in this physical form. At least.

I went off the idea of Shamanisn when I discovered how completely vicious they too are towards suicides. No one deserves to be punished for suffering mental health issues usually caused by trauma as young children. I want no part of any God or Philosophy that says or does such a thing!!!

8 January 2019

I just received a letter from QE2 with an appointment with the gastroenterology team. Weird. They sent me a letter a few weeks ago stating I would have to wait another year on the waiting list. So someone must have advocated for me.

I hope they book me in for the surgery to have the gallstones removed. This might just be another colonoscopy though.

The letter states I have to have someone with me overnight post-surgery. No one has ever stayed with me overnight to keep an eye so I will have to lie or I won’t get the fucking much needed surgery.

I will need someone to bring me home or the hospital won’t release me but all my friends (and former bf!) used to just drop me home and piss off. No one gives a flying fuck about a vulnerable ill Tanya.

But I survived major surgery alone and 3 other colonoscopies so what difference will one more make? Lmao!

…

I have handed all the “monkeys” back and I have done all this without resorting to damping down with Valium or any other drug. I didn’t even buy any wine down the shops.

I don’t need crutches anymore. I might be crawling on the gravel rash of my own life but by the gods, I am determined to fly one fine day. May it come soon.

…

The Dead are Dancing. Just saw more soulless walking dead ex friends down the supermarket. I ignored all of them.

Under complete spiritual Attack but it’s ok. I have a very angry Scottish warrior on my team. Fee Fie Fo Fum, we smell the blood of the Englishmen... psy sighs.

Funny I mentioned her earlier this morning. Crazy evil louche feeders can just stay the fuck away. Her own child had to escape to heroin to survive her. Fucking psychic vampire.

I drove around the car park as they deliberately waited for me at the car park exit. Sad cunts. Do they not realise that in spite of her Masters degree I am a “Bizarre Genius” and well aware of their petty games? Lmao.

It was that or I would have been tempted to drive right into them and I am not going to prison for any vapid ghoul. Tempting thought, though it was!

Anyway, rather annoyingly I forgot cat food so have to go back out later. Fuck it!

….

“What’s your dog’s name?”

“Herpes...if she’s good, she heals”

I love my Vagina. It was hitched and stitched in October 2007 (after a prolapse!) It is in excellent condition for an old girl. Probably cos I did not wear it out 😉. I had my uterus removed and my bladder repaired in the same operation.

I had no support from my kids during or after that major surgery which was traumatic as I hallucinated on the anaesthetics and thought my evil mother was trying to visit me as I lay very very ill (high temperature and a bladder infection post surgery).

My youngest evil daughter came to demand she move in my house while I was in the QE 2 hospital and then when I got home picked a massive fight and left me even more traumatised in my weakened state.

My former psych nurse friend made me flush all my endones as she was envious of me having even pain relief and like a dickhead I bought into her delusion that I might end up an addict like her daughter. (Never...too bloody strong for that!)

But I nursed myself back to health. It took 2 years and now 11 years later my bladder is starting to get a bit wonky again.

The fucking tvt mesh is a constant concern as they cause autoimmune disease but so far so good.

But if I am good I will heal ... and fuck all the filthy vagina-haters including the dirty females that won’t wash.

8 January 2017

Dry socket painful again. I finished the heavy antibiotics on Wednesday. Dammit to hell. I will have to go back to the dentist to get another course. I can't believe my bad luck.

4 weeks of pain, 1 course of very strong very expensive antibiotics. Oral thrush from the Antibiotic. (I knocked that down with tea tree oil and coconut oil pulling)

Now pain back again after only 3 days respite. I thought it was over. Not sure can do this.

Last one took 4 months to heal. So I am really pissed off!

Sitting here swishing tea tree oil and coconut oil as I really want to heal and don't want any more antibiotics. They really made me weak.

Tea tree kills oral thrush and bacteria. Also I have it in the house.

Kelly Anne: Clove oil is for the pain you rub it on your tooth / gum or something. Dad mentioned it. Its really old school stuff my Nan & her generation used to do for a bad tooth.

A bit like using bonjela I think as dad said it's supposed to have a numbing / dulling effect or something. I dunno I don't get tooth aches but I remembered he talked about falling back on it as a last resort when away on hols a few yrs back. He's terrified of the dentist & didn't want to use some dude in a country town he didn't know so he was trying to put off going for a badly chipped tooth (root exposed).

Me: Yeah I know what clove oil is for but I needed to kill the bacteria to get rid of pain. Tea tree oil in coconut oil seems to help. For now. I have pain killers but that is not getting rid of infection. Gotta get to the source of the problem.

My face doesn't feel like I have a temperature now. So will keep doing that unless it is worse in the morning. Then I will drive to QE2 to get another emergency voucher and demand further treatment. I had pain on top right tooth near the back today. So another one is probably infected.

I am freaking out that so many teeth are dying at the same time. Not cool!

Kelly Anne: Bugger. You getting enough Vit C, D & iron? How long were you off ur HRT?

Me: Not off my HRT. I get weird withdrawal symptoms when I forget to patch myself four 4 days. My GP (young and smug) laughed and tells me I am the only woman she ever met to complain of withdrawal from HRT. FML! But yeah I feel freaked out about so many teeth going wrong at the same time. (Just after I got an all clear from QE2 dental

Hospital only a few months ago).

Anyhow I need to accept my festy state as I am 52 in April and my teeth have always been weak.

Ps 8 am Monday, my dry socket seems to have settled down. Soaking my mouth in coconut oil with 3 drops of tea tree seems to help a lot.

…

When asked how my day was: (mind you I am awake at 5.33 am)

My view is clouded by memories of an old friend, moments we shared and experiences (in a very traumatic time of my life) that ultimately drove the friendship apart. I went to her memorial yesterday.

It gave me a lot to think about, how time passes and either heals or steals beautiful lights from our sphere. The baton gets passed on for us to do more, be more to support our younger adults in processing their lives as they are tasked with guiding their young children.

Life is a strange kind of Marathon and most of mine was like trying to run in a potato sack while blindfolded, being mobbed by rotten eggs in the opposing egg and spoon race while the great master stood by and mocked me. But I kept running stumbling leaping until I ran out of puff. Lay down to die for decades and then got up again.

Now (for the past 5 years) dancing as fast as I can but still going nowhere, achieving nothing but somehow better albeit still broke(n), lonely and unpartnered.

Being around a loving family was good for me. Being there for them in their grief, ennobling.

Death takes our physical beauty but the spiritual beauty: Love and reminders of individual friends can never be taken while we yet live.

…

Karin's memorial yesterday has reminded me that time is fleeting. I have so much I need to achieve before I ride into the eternal sunset/sunrise. I feel like I lost so much in my life.

Financially, creatively, familial. Trauma cost me heavily. Yet I am still alive and it makes no sense when others have passed away, often unnoticed and unseen and unheard.

I have no merit except courage. It took courage to survive and it will take much more courage to thrive before I dive into the next dimension.

My jaw still has a tiny ache. Not fully healed. So just for today I will live quietly and summon strength and inspiration to (hopefully) write my story as a legacy for others who suffered similar experiences to see how we can do no better (or worse) than be our own authentic selves, live as joyously and righteously as possible and love ourselves and others unconditionally (but take no nasty malevolent crap).

Life is a miracle and can either be heaven or hell through no fault of our own. We have to make ourselves proud of whom we are. No one can walk this life for us.

It is cowardice to try to force others to live for you or through you. We all bring our unique gifts to this world. May we seek and follow our own Mastery, Magic and Awe.

…

I shared my heart. It got trampled on, pissed on, stabbed, derided, violated. It was misunderstood, disrespected, rejected.

I took it out and filled it with beauty as grief, denial, betrayal could not co-exist. I locked it away and threw away the key. It opens only for those who know its secret spells and universal chords.

The space that it once emanated from was dark and empty. So I placed a chimeric device. A plastic fantastic substitute and walked my zombie walk and dreamed my life again.

Eventually in the dream I killed myself. But my heart would not betray me. It knew. It sang a strange cosmic song. It was heard and obeyed. This body exists because my true heart sings.

This body asks forgiveness for a broken distorted mind couldn't live without her heart. So the true heart came home. Consumed the chimera, the representative, and got back down to business.

Life. 101. To PHD. Be in it. Of It. With it. No escape from who you really are. Spirit/Heart/Mind/Guts and glory. The story continues.

….

I wore Crystal's pair of Converse sneakers for a walk with Bobo. They fit me but like my own pair of Converse they gave me horrific blisters. I had to take them off and finish the walk home in bare feet.

I will never buy this brand again. I rarely wear sneakers but when I do it ends up with bad blisters. Really annoying. I thought maybe it was my own pair that was a design flaw but alas no.

Jarrod Nielsen: wear socks with them

Me: Still happens…I can't sleep due to the pain from the blisters and the dry socket. Plus some guy went past my house coughing loudly which set Bobo off barking. Took me ages to settle him down.

Then Crystal msged me on Skype for a scone recipe. Like wtf? Then I got hives or heat rash so had to get up and rub coconut oil on that ton stop the stinging itch. Then my bladder was irritated.

I went to bed to crash and now wide awake. FML! I need my sleep to heal the bone in my jaw. Far out! Plus now it is all hot in my room. I had to close my blind so I can't hear creepy neighbour coughing near my fence. (Probably desperate for my attention).

Kelly Anne: When I worked at rollerdrome we always told people to bring along 2 pairs of socks for skating because (dunno how scientific this is but it sorta seemed logical at the time) apparently the story goes that the socks rub against each other rather than against your skin & so you don't get blisters... the trick always worked for me but I dunno whether the reasoning behind it working is correct or not. Might be worth a shot anyway. If it works for those horrible fitting rental skate boots it just might work for those converse things.

…

8 January 2016

2.20 pm. Home from Annette who nurtured me like a real Mother. She cooked me a beautiful omelette for dinner, followed by a waffle with ice cream. So yummy.

She gave me the most comforting hugs and together we sat and talked, drank wine into the early hours of this morning. Then I took extra Seroquel and went to sleep.

She gave up her comfortable bed for me to sleep in. During the morning she played with Beauregard who was so good with her.

I am so lucky to have such kind loving friends. Thank You. xxx

…

I had a good rest in bed today. Extra Seroquel quelled my explosive nervous system. I received much love from my friends, both on Facebook and real life. Feeling much better now. Thank you to all who watch and worry over me.

I hate being this fragile and living like a bouncing ball in a Basketball game, Being thrown around and tossed but always missing the basket. Or being bounced in one spot a hundred times - incapable of moving forward or even backwards, side stepping.

Sometimes it is cool to be twirled on the fickle finger of fate, then thrown high then landing hard being caught up like a treasured gift by another team player then aimed for that next basket. I have caught a few baskets in my life. So few! But worth it. The game continues but I need a break. A longggg break from my crazy existence.

As Jarrod said today. I need a holiday. Well, I need many things. A holiday would be nice but that will not change anything about my endstage trauma or inability to get a partner. Meh Schmeh. Happiness is inside me, bubbling over in a glass overfull.

It can be champagne flavoured or salty soda water or bitter tonic water. I can drink from it or watch it effervesce in others' delighted eyes. Nothing is permanent. Neither joy nor grief.

Just keep breathing and loving and being Ehyeh Asher Ehyeh. Me, whom I am Becoming. Trying to be less brittle, less dead, more lovely.

8 January 2015

Great...I have a summer cold or flu and snapped my back last night getting up from the couch.

I am such a train wreck!

Living on panadol osteo for my back and/or pinched sciatic nerve. Not cool! Harvey and I spent the day sleeping on the couch and cuddling. He loves his Auntie.

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Sore back, sore stomach, headachy or woozy feeling. Grit on my bed, thanks to Harvey going outside to pee then burrowing himself under my doona with his muddy feet. Sweet boy! But Oy!

I don't feel well since early Sunday morning when I was violently sick. I think I will stay in bed today.

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The Hollow Men, TS Eliot

How I have loved the dead and stuffed, the false, the weak and the murderous!

I have succoured them from my own desiccated breast, and blossomed like a rare orchid on dark, damp mountain cliff sides. I have hung by my fingernails, clutching at my own Life.

I have died and been revivified on a lie called Hope and a disgrace called Faith. I have sung the songs of Angels in a voice dry and empty and monotoned like Dylan.

I have fucked the enemy and called it Victory and I have made passionate love to the dead and the dying.

They tried to kill me or conquer me in hallowed halls of Debauchery where women float and twirl and gyrate and wiggle but only to be mocked and descend into shit.

From shit, beautiful amazing creatures of Light glisten and glow.

They cannot kill us. Only rape, mutilate or dehumanise us. We are the men and women who rise above the morass. The Watchers, the Warriors and the Queens of our own Destiny.

We are alive today by free will alone and without which we descend to Oblivion.

She who laughs last, laughs longest.

Shema, Listen! You will never forget me, or my Siren call to Awakening.

Dance, Dive, Rise, Fall, Sing, Rejoice.

Know Before Whom You Stand. I yield to no Man but God. And even He, I wrestle with.

Demons dressed as Mortal Men whispering sweet words of Love and Encouragement. Hollow stuffed superficial Holograms. Reach for them in the night and they vanish into the walls, the floor, the ground beneath their feet.

How I have loved them! The invisible and the manifested, the dreams of the Psychedelic Dream. The Stuff of Life.

"I have set before you Blessing and Curses so therefore Choose Life". Old lovers, old enemies tried to hold me down to Malkhut so they could destroy me.

Karma is a two-faced Hag and I have faced her enough. I have licked the wizened cheek of that monster of oblivion.

The mirror shows my futility and fall from Grace while lesser Men flaunt new Lovers in my face.

Traitors sing me Lullabies while they fuck me over and scapegoat me for their own Shame and Disgrace.

I See it all, Know it all and still I smile into the night.

I cannot hate the Lost and Doomed for I am Them and they are Me but the vicious children don't know this yet.

Bathsheba will bare her breast in the moonlight yet.

She will unfurl her hair and float into the Dawn.

You cannot have me!

Update 8 January 2026: Psychedelic Dreamer Sighs (Psy sighs!)…same old, same old.

8 January 2014

Sarah had a bit of a rough day but she has stronger pain meds now. I am sleeping beside her again to make sure she is ok through the night.

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Home for a nap before I go to my psych appt @ 3 pm. I was up at 6 am with Sarah getting her ready to see her eye specialist. I went with her and her father to help walk her to the hospital and back to car.

We made sure she got some post-op meds as they forgot them yesterday and ordinary panadol wasn't enough! Her anaesthetist forgot she would need them.

I am sleeping over again tonight as she still needs help.

8 January 2013

Just watched "season of the Witch", awesome movie! Now watching "The Fourth Kind".

Steve Saragossi: 4th Kind has some creepy moments.

Me: Yes indeed! I have always been a believer in the Paranormal and aliens etc but I did find Sumerian speaking Aliens a bit hard to swallow.

Having said that.. I have read "chariot of the Gods" and certain Torah passages relating to the "Ascension" of Ezekial in a chariot of fire seem to corroborate the idea that we have been visited by "gods" before!

This does not dissuade me from faith in an Eternal G-d. These entities are certainly not loving or benevolent so one hopes there is still a higher authority out there... A Creator that supersedes even alien technology.

Thought provoking movie and chilling!

8 January 2012

I slept until 4 pm...wow! Thought I might have avoided the worst of the heat but alas no! Still very hot even now at 4.26 pm.

Oh well. Thinking what I want to eat for breakfast! I might make Poffertjes. Weirdly I am not hungry and I haven't eaten since 9 pm last night. Whatever! Will eat when I want to I guess.

8 January 2011

I had a lovely day, with a visit from Lyn and Peter, then a trip to the city with Jarrod and met up with Crystal to have a look around the shops and have dinner.

8 January 2010

I'm struggling to learn new technology with my new phone but loving every minute of it. Arrrrrgggghhhh!

Copyright Tanya Désirée Arons