Memories: 5 August 2025

5 August 2025

9:40 am slight improvement on the previous night. But I was up three times during the night. Swings and roundabouts. I hope I heal soon. I am finding this all very boring.

I woke up to lovely sunshine again. So that’s a positive start to the day.

Wherever you are…have a good one. I love you. I love me too. It’s been a long hard struggle. Day 9 of this illness. But I will get better and kickstart my life again.

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My fb account has been under full blown attack by some malfeasant lying Bot that claims I am breaching cybersecurity. All I have done is posted my memories and memes from the past I liked.

It’s truly insane that I am being targeted by Facebook for going about my normal activities.

I wonder what has brought about this current state of targeting and harassment up to and including money being stolen from my bank account? Hmmmm. Is it because I spoke out about the Epstein files? Or is it just THEIR IDEA OF FUN???!!!!!

If this targeting of my profile does not stop I will permanently shut down my FB account. They have loosh fed enough from me since 2009.

5 August 2023

I woke up at exactly 7 am again. Odd. I didn’t go dancing last night. Still subsumed by grief and exhaustion.

Jarrod visited me and spent the afternoon and evening with me. He bought us fish and chips for lunch which were delicious. Charley literally stole a chip then ripped it apart on my shoulder. The cheeky bird.

It was lovely to have his company. I showed him my ring I had just managed to solder together just before he arrived. I am excited. It took two attempts but I finally managed it.

I am improving in my silversmithing. Maybe in a few more years I will be able to make even better, more complicated settings. But baby steps.

I woke up dreaming that I was wanting to buy a small shop that was like a shipping container but with three walls of windows. It had a large selection of dolls, two of which I wanted to buy back as they were from my childhood.

The man selling them, said since I used to own them he would sell them to me for $48. I thought that was reasonable. I asked him how much the shipping container/shop was? As I’d like to set up my silversmithing shop.

I woke up, envisioning different little shops with me selling jewellery and other wares. A nice fantasy.

If I feel better tonight I will go dancing.

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I just finished this ring. The band was gifted to me to scrap but I liked it so much I decided to recycle it as a shank for this white creek Opal sterling silver ring.

I cast the silver as an ingot, soldered it to the ring band, then made the bezel and set the little tiny Opal. The bezel ended up being a bit too short as it melted slightly. Argggh… but I have managed to set the Opal and then polish the ring. I still need to polish out more of the scratches but so far I am extremely happy with it.

It’s a memorial piece for my beloved Beauregard, who died on 1 August 2023 (which also happened to be the 35th anniversary of my migrating to Brisbane). It’s weird how certain dates recycle in one’s life. #titaniasrealm #sterlingsilver #upcycledsilver #whitecreekopalheart #handcutopal #magickhappens #loveisthelaw #inmemoryofmybeautifulBeau #alwayslovedneverforgotten

5 August 2022

The hooning by Cavendish Road students in my local area has become so bad and dangerous that I actually laid a complaint with the school. They said as it’s outside of school hours it’s a police matter. Well, no it’s not. These students are still in Cav Road uniforms getting into their cars and driving like demons in a 50 Kph zone putting the lives of young children and pets at risk!

We all know the police will do nothing until someone they value gets killed!

It’s not good enough. I will be taking rego numbers in future. This hooning has been going on for months. Notably older boys in their late teens or 20s picking up siblings too.

Boys who are 17 or 18 disenfranchised by our Uber-boosted fucked up society should not even be in school. If they want to hoon they should be in the frontlines of the army or given apprenticeships or if they had enough brains at University. Frankly it’s embarrassing seeing an entire generation lost in space with such selfishness that they drive like animals, putting younger children at risk.

Also the trashing of our streets with things like period pads, empty takeaway drink and food containers. It’s epic!!!

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Don’t you just love how fb algorithms try to mollify my rage even as society descends into further disintegration and putrefaction! But life will get better. We will make it so…those of us with courage and enough love in our hearts to keep going.

Do not go quietly into that darkest night but fight even harder for your own light and soul! The nihilation seems the easy way out but the only way to die with any sort of honour is to keep living your best life, with harm to none, fearlessly and nobly!

Think of the next generation and the next…who badly need role models and muses and guides because my generation obfuscated its role like salacious greedy whore mongering cowards sipping at the money pit like slaves to Jabba The Hut. Lol.

Imagine the world we could have had if not for the endemic paedophilia and the penetrations of the chemical kind on an entire global society so of course, the current crop of adolescents are lost between both worlds and struggling to find their place.

Their place is to set an example of decency, and at least basic human safety for the little ones walking in their footsteps. Instead of hooning like destructive little testosterone bandits.

More and more I sense that these meat sacks are barely human anymore. I struggle to find any speck of soul still in them. Time will tell who will naturally implode like the vicious violent sacks of pus they truly are. NPC’s and zombies!

Well they are dealing with a former zombie who clawed her own way back to full vibrancy, if not full health and I will not allow this horror on my watch!!!

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I am right off my nut today. Restless, anxious…anticipitory. I got a lactose spike so that meant a bit of unpleasantness. Now there is a change in the weather. Rain impending. It looks like rain but it’s hanging like an oppression, so it might not manifest.

I was pacing around the garden like Captain Ahab chasing the white whale. I had to talk myself down.

Well apart from my gut throwing strange cosmic tantrums…I had a lovely day. The postman came past and informed me there is a huge backlog and he is worked half to death so that’s why my parcels are delayed.

The postman told me he is so overworked he’s looking for another job! Australia Post is losing all the good hardworking people! The last postman was also lovely but looked frazzled and overworked.

Then he came past a second time frantically tooting his horn. I ran out as I know he is very busy. He had missed a tiny parcel so was delivering it. I said “I am waiting on my Sander and my boots!” And giggled! He said he had missed it as it was so small. I was very happy that he delivered it especially!

But it was the bell I bought for my wild kookaburra friend. So I hung it up on the tree. I showed it to Charley and she played with it a bit. I might buy a second one for her cage.

Payday on Tuesday and by the gods I am sweating on that money as I ran out. I am still needing to crack that curse or contract with the gods that keeps me in poverty. One day, it could happen 🙂

Anyway, my new boots are coming and with my new sander I will be able to fix up that cutlery canteen I made a mess of (I will need to sand back the varnish I put on, then spread the ca glue across the top as it penetrated the wood and made it look shiny where it leaked but won’t sand off I don’t think so I need to do the entire top again.)

Anyway that sander got sent back to Bosch due to some ignoble incompetence so they had to post it to me again! It’s insane!

Hopefully it arrives on monday so I can get on with the task I wish to complete!

5 August 2021

I just woke up with the most astonishing epiphany about who really loves and honours me! It’s a strange kind of love as it cannot ever be fervently fulfilled in a sexual partnership, but it is so deeply soul nourishing that I am grateful for it. C’est la vie! I am happy I was gifted this realisation.

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Eating home made yoghurt as I still feel weak as a newly-whelped kitten. I have been out in the garden. Cleaned the fishpond filter then dug out about a third of the newly-grown-back cardamon suckers which are incredibly hard to dig out with their enmeshed root system. I nearly fainted as I ran out of breath and grew dizzy.

So we are back in the house partaking of nature’s probiotics to realign my gut and sipping tea and breathing…always breathing life back into this flagging body.

Fuck colonoscopies!

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11.05 am. I woke up with these words in my head. Gifted to me by both my doctor friends, one of whom is in the light!

“They tried to kill us/me, we won, let’s eat”.

These words were our survivors’ mantra. A wry little Jewish joke. An even more absurdist Jewish yoke.

These words gifted to me in my early 30s when men in my Jewish community had truly tried to kill me by strangulation and slander and other befoulment: rape, and threats and colluding with my main enemy - my own mother - became a weird sort of lyrical mantra.

So I slept through much of my thirties and 40s, shuffled with my cocktail of psychiatric meds and walked my zombie walk through what should have been the prime of my life. But I survived…got my kids through to survive also. A battle of strength of mind over matter as I was constantly reminded how little I mattered.

And now the words have become: They are still trying to kill me, for my truth and my warrior goddess strength, for my heart and my clear-eyed vision.

I am older now, my skin is wrinkled and shellacked by skin cancer, I am world weary and world-wise. I inspire either contempt or disdain or abject terror in the eyes of the young. I have outlived my own death so many times that even I stand in awe of my own Self.

My doctor friends also gifted me the words “Never let the bastards grind you down” so it’s ironic that one eventually did attempt that. With his glib little sexual comment. But I still remember the good he did for me. The courage he encouraged.

Good men are hard to find. Our current epoch is causing even the best of us to waver and choose darker values in a bid to survive. But there are no separations between people now.

Covid made sure of that. Choose your weapons, choose your medicine, choose your life but always always choose your soul first and foremost.

I was big pharma’s little unwitting vassal for 20 years, as well meaning psychiatrists tried to keep my brain contained so I could finally embody my full vibrancy of life again.

A few years after dancing out my rage and my ancient moribund agonies gifted me by early childhood trauma: I weaned off the psych meds than never gifted me equanimity or happiness or health but kept some vile dickhead in Big Pharma land very very rich.

My psychiatrist was fearful for me when I went off those drugs. But I flew, I spoke my truth and I kept dancing and fighting for my life and my light.

It was a gift I gave myself. A heroes journey. A discovery and a delight.

Three and a half years before Covid was unleashed on this world. I was still recalibrating my mind and assuaging my soul.

I saw many friends turn vicious as they were not accustomed to a fully integrated Tanya. They tried to belittle me, hurt me. Debase me.

A lifelong pattern of pain and treachery. But my true friends have stayed and new ones have arrived, albeit on this one dimensional superficial platform of Facebook.

They witness my Becoming as I witness theirs. We are growing in the darkness, in the evil of these times. We are holding each other precious. We are singing songs of tribulation but also of triumph. We are loving each other with the fortitude of the Rock of Ages.

We are overcoming the most immense horror every single day in our own unique ways.

Even I, wrinkled and wrung out by the recent death of my cat and that vile colonoscopy. Wrought by steel and piss, and shit and blood but standing in my own honour and integrity and trusting in my own heart and my own Great Spirit who breathes life back into me from a myriad manifestations of Their holiness and Awe.

We are thriving. It’s not the thriving that is easily recognised by the pampered and the privileged. But it’s something far more powerful and far more valuable than that…

There is so much light in my garden this morning. So much love gifted by the holy ones. I shall rejoice! Just for today and every day.

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5 August 2020

1:11 pm. My angels declare! Hello there! Be happy. Be proud. Say out loud the love you create is never too late!

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I had a good day. I cleaned Charlie’s cage then set it back up. Then got stuck into sanding the marble table top. I need to buy more sandpaper. I am making slow but steady progress.

I stopped just before dusk. I also managed to take Bobo and Charlie for our regular walk around the block.

I am really exhausted now. I gobbled down dinner and am watching The Umbrella Academy. I think I will go to bed early. See how I feel later this evening. Sometimes I get a fourth or fifth wind then get so over-activated that I can’t sleep.

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11:11 pm. That is twice today. I wonder what my Angels are cooking up for me? Please God it’s something Good!

5 August 2019

What goes up must come down. Splat!

5 August 2018

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It’s a glorious sunny day! A gift from the gods to the Earth and in our rejoicing in our gratitude and appreciation gifts Them also. All the gods!

Today I am grateful for the internet which puts me in touch with all of humanity in a nanosecond. For the Love and the healing. For my own tiny contribution to the fabric of the universe.

My personal warp and weft got snarled and tangled and even knotted (ahem!) but I kept co-creating with the Holy One, in the only way I could, one day at a time. I stomped my furious Rumpelstiltskin tantrum and got on with living.

It took decades to unfurl my lotus and find my locus. But I never lost sight of the glory of this never-ending story because as anyone knows who carries a meat body in a three-dimensional world but lives and loves in a paradigm far far away.

Hey, give me back my money, my ambrosia and my honey Man, who will love me until I die and find me in every future lifeline and never fuck it up this time. You know, a real man in my reality no matter where I find my spirit body on the next mission improbable.

Oh wait. Maybe next time I will reclaim my inner man so I will be waiting for my love goddess. Haha (perhaps that is how this life-time continuum got so fucked up this time. I must have been a right bollocking bastard!) King Henry the Eighth comes to mind. He did like having his women lose their heads over him.

Well I lost mine without dying although that is not much different actually. The Voudou Queen got her power back (her stolen dishonoured Mana) but she had to sleep for a few decades like the sleeping beauty or Snow White (bitten by the poison from the Mother Narcopath who wanted her dead and destroyed). But now my own personal wonderful magical Bitch Witch Goddess Warrior Queen is Back.

Ok ok...let’s be humble here...Mama T aka Me is still working out the minutiae on how I am going to live out the rest of my life but shhh...in the meantime, manifesting like a Bitch and letting love and life flow without a hitch as you know, we already got stitched up and you know how that really makes my psyche fucking ITCH. (My former lover, the dead homoeopath psychopath who once tried to kill me, once said I had an itchy personality).

Well fuck that dead shit! I have a fantastic personality! I am loveable and worthy and bright and beautiful in my older age end-state post traumatic growth. That Nudnick Schmendrick schmuck feckless fuck knew No Thing about the woman I was then, or the Woman I am yet to Become.

It’s hard to actually know any woman when her only reason for his existence is to be plunged belly-deep with his “magnificent” penis.

Well karma is a Bitch and I thank his spirit that loved me enough to smash on my door when he transmogrified in June 2016. Thank you for honouring me with your supernatural goodbye Son of a Demon and acolyte of Gisela.

Henchmen on little boy missions find out the hard way what happens when you try to destroy The Tanya whose only crime was loving too much those absolutely wrong (and evil!) people.

So here I am. Healing. I still love the unrequited and the variously smited, the broken and reconfigured, the dreamer, the artist, the great great spirit of my time. I love them and equilaterally I love me. It’s how I survived them all. The false Shadow men and their equally dangerous Women.

But I digress: gender. Fluid. My soul has no colour and no gender or agenda. No label. No territory. No epoch. It simply IS and belongs only to Life and G-d and anyone who loves her enough to cherish her, in this precarious precious cognitive dissonant existence.

L’ Chaim.

End of epic nonsensical rant. Next!

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As you can tell from my intricate mind scrabbling brain farts and kaleidoscopic displays of a dying sleep apnoea person: I didn’t get much sleep last night. Which is funny as Jenny rang me and teased me that we should go dancing again last night.

But after dancing for 8 hours on Friday night, my body and brain went into turbo-drive so I was severely punished with insomnia and slept in 2 hourly bouts. I might as well have gone out and shuffled my middle-aged feet again!

All good. Healing. Dance when I can. Sleep when I can. Rest my soul and my laurels. Love myself in all my weird incongruent fabulous fibrillations.

Out of mind but heart is still marching to her own beat: one two one two. I left my body for a dance among the spheres. Had strange dreams (Nu? So what else is new?!)

It’s all pretty awesome if you zone out and look at it from a perspective of, oh about a thousand light years.

Kerplunk! Here I am! Landed! On sacred ground. Lost and found. Homeward bound. Surround sound. Hugs all ‘round.

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3:44 pm I have finally had a shower and washed my hair. I bathed Beauregard around noon. (He was getting stinky!) He was not happy about the bath and I sympathised briefly.

Some days it’s just too much effort to exist at all. But I hunted him down as he scampered around the garden hoping to avoid the imminent washing (and sneaky nail clipping as he is a crazy mofo who won’t let me near his nails outside of the laundry tub). Even then he tried to bite me.

So I dried him off and wasted the afternoon watching tv shows until it was time to have a little cleansing myself.

Time to take that dog for a walk I guess. Before the sun goes down and it gets too cold.

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Watching “the Devil and Father Amorth” a doco on exorcism.

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Watching “The Bleeding Edge” on Netflix about modern medical devices that are actually injurious to the health (like my tvt tape!). Scary shit.

Women who have had tvt mesh implants report chronic fatigue and muscle weakness in legs. Ie auto-immune diseases.

I guess I am fucked. They stated that even if the mesh is removed, much of it has fused with the bladder and other organs so cannot be completely removed so the body continues to create more scar tissue in an effort to eliminate the mesh.

I had not realised the enormity of this. Now feel rather fragile. I have paid a huge price for a functioning bladder.

I have been feeling very weak this year. Walking with a time-bomb inside of me. So far my bladder has been fine but it constantly worries me what will happen if I lose functionality again.

(Ergo my frenetic dancing and zest for living life fully as I have been living with this since 31 October 2007.)

The nerve pain that cost me several teeth in the past few years may be related too. (Although not sure of that).

Oh, and apparently ct scans are causing cancer especially abdominal cancer as well and I am due to have one of those in a few months time as my memory is rapidly deteriorating.

So I guess it won’t be too many years until I will be bending over and kissing my own arse goodbye. In the meantime I celebrate my Life in all its nuances and magic.

If I die from problems associated with the tvt mesh I will instruct my daughter to sue Johnson and Johnson and QE2 hospital as I believe there was a class action recently.

At least my useless betrayed corpse will have gifted my kids something.

5 August 2017

4.04 am. Home from another nice night out. The band was okay but the casino played that god-awful techno/house shit in between sets which I absolutely hate then the dj played more doof-doof meth amphetamine cocaine-snorting shit after. So I came home.

I had fun with my assorted casino friends as I always do. Now unfurling my pent-up muscles in Epsom Salts, contemplating my neverending singledom. Lol.

I met a very outgoing young dreadlocked guy outside the pub on my way back from buying chocolate bars at the 7-11. He told me he loves the colour purple (I wore my purple doc martens, purple coat and purple Top Hat and I even had mauve lipstick on) and I looked awesome and he wanted to high five me. So we did.

Later he appeared at the casino dance floor but I just carried on dancing with my pals. All good. Not inclined to get my heart trampled on again, not for quite a while. Done and dusted!

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Really tired but really content and peaceful today. A good day. Baruch HaShem!

5 August 2016

5 August 2015

4.27 pm I got up at 1.30 pm had a shower, dressed then hit the ground running. I went to Capalaba Produce to buy Laying Mash and fish food, then went to Aldi to buy cat litter and a few groceries.

Now back home. Exhausted. I finished watching all 3 seasons of Orange is the New Black. Sad. Really enjoyed that show.

I will have to find something else interesting on Netflix. But for now I might just have a rest.

5 August 2014

I slept all night and most of the day apart from getting up and going to pay my speeding fine at Qld Transport. Waste of money and I wasn't even much over the limit.

I was also annoyed as I wanted to pay it in instalments but they won't do that unless the fine is over $200. $150 is a lot to have to pay out in one go. So then I bought a few groceries. Unpacked them and went back to bed. Slept until 7 pm. Still feel kinda murky. Guess I needed the rest.

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5 August 2013

12.04 pm. Awake! Let's see how long I can be awake, alert and upright today! Beautiful day too :-)

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I had a nice outing with Jarrod. He dropped me home and I went straight back to bed. Slept until 10.47 pm. I am now back in bed, feeling drained after eating some melted cheese on toast, several cups of tea and watching TV.

It's 1.22am. Quiet apart from the gurgling sounds of my fountain outside my bedroom window. It feels like the whole world is waiting to exhale. I am so tired of waiting for my life to create and be awesome. I am held down and back by mental health issues, now physical exhaustion. It seems such a terrible waste.

I am glad I had a nice time with my friends and Crystal lately, otherwise my entire existence would seem so pointless.

Hopefully this period of ill health will pass and I will get back to my version of normality. I have so much I still need to heal from and so much I still need to achieve.

Time will tell...Godot-esque, I wait.

5 August 2011

Lyn came and assisted me in spiritual cleansing of my home to dispel any negativity. I feel so much better, and I am so grateful for the love and support of my trusted friends.

5 August 2010

Crystal took me out for a delicious lunch at a Vietnamese Restaurant in West End called Trangs. Food was yummy and reasonably priced.

Then I came home and dug the garden, transplanted my Violets, planted tomato seedlings out and watered it all in. It took me most of the afternoon to do it. Still have lots and lots of digging out to do, as I'm making the garden at the rear of the house.

I'm feeling very sore and tired after today's effort in the garden. I guess I will have to work through the ''burn" by doing some more tomorrow. LOL

Copyright Tanya Désirée Arons