Memories: 4 August 2025

4 August 2025

8:50 am I wake up. Feeling wooly. The sun is shining. It feels slightly warmer than yesterday. I tolerated cpap all night long. But I stopped breathing 3.6 times an hour. Still I need to get back into that routine as yesterday I struggled with staying “present” during the day, especially after the upset of having been scammed. Still no update from my bank. Hmmm.

Anyway, another day in “Paradise”…amiright? At least my body didn’t fight cpap last night so I am improving with my lungs as when I am very sick I can’t tolerate that either.

My lungs feel papery, every breath feels like I am just a hollowed out paper maché doll, sort of feathery and husked. If you huff and puff and blow a strong wind in my direction I could just float away. (But The Tanya is a solid chunky Mama for a reason!) she will keep her hobbit feet planted firmly on the Earth and she will keep moving forward.

One day at a dime…one breath at a time. Each breath stretching out into eternity. A vibration, an echolocation, a timely reminder of my mortality. A gift.

4 August 2024

9:11 am awake. Lungs still arduous. A hot cup of tea. Breathe. I woke up with the word “Postal” in my mind. Postal? Send me a letter Maria? Or a message is coming in the written form? What?

Or perhaps it’s time I write myself a luscious love letter to remind me of all the wondrous things I am still missing out on. Or to anchor me to this plane of existence when I spiral into the abyss of lovelessness and despair.

Hmmm. Not so despairing these days. Just living my best life. Enjoying every moment. Every scrap of breath, every kind word and deed. Every smile. Every flirtation (even if it can’t be consummated…dammit). Even getting used to the cpap which is a strain on my lungs which are used to operating under their own subpar but fiercely determined survivalism. (Cough, hack!)

Another random thought floated salubriously through my mind: Are you shining bright in the refracted glory of someone else’s Light? Like a mirror on a disco ball, reflecting other’s light but not fully embodying your own?

Or are you the bright searing Light embodied and flowing in all directions that is Seen, Witnessed, Curated and reflected back to you in a harmonious feedback loop that builds and builds into a crescendo of great power and enormously soul nourishing gleams of Delight?

(What?!) This is my brain trying not to die. Never mind. It will make sense in the end. It always does. That message might not even be for me. I always strive to be authentic and shine my own inner Light.

Even when it was either invisible to other humans (always seen by the animals/birds and fae though 🙂 giggles) or when it was trampled, crushed and almost obliterated by evil people with no hearts or souls but their own crass greed, corruption or inability to See what is most precious and most needed. Soul. Truth. Courage. LOVE. Sometimes all jumbled up in a blend, like an elixir of Life. L’Chaim.

Yes I was hated and by turns, feared that much. For what? For continuously showing up, strutting my stuff, holding my own line, living in harmonic resonance with the Divine, carried by the gods to this season of joy in perhaps THE most dangerous epoch of my life (and I survived many others!)

Hmmmm. What does this mean? In the broad scheme of all things? No Thing. But Little One is here. Awake. Aware. Another day in paradise. What Magick and Joy will this day bring? An ordinary Sunday. Maybe nothing…maybe Some Thing. But whatever it is…it will be my creation. My existence. My soul song. My dance. My light.

Let us all shine bright, Little Ones, under the stars and under that boiling bright energetic sun god. Day and night folding into eternity.

We’ve got this! Love you all x

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https://youtu.be/DSbXNjsLdRM. Take a letter Maria lol

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4 August 2023

I woke up at 7 am. The day yawns beyond me. I ache for my dog. Every cell in my body screams “I want you back, Beauregard”. I feel robbed of his beauty, light, love and strength. I feel deeply furious and traumatised. But I remind myself that his spirit can come to me in a millisecond.

The memories flood my brain with delightful antics and his long deeply loving intense “regard” or gaze. He was a great great spirit. Who, like all other dogs, was deeply loving but saw through the occasional bullshit too. He was magic, he was joy, he was comfort.

Margot brought the children to comfort me yesterday evening. Little Susie asked me in great awe “Are you a real witch, Tanya?”

I replied goodnaturedly “Yes, but not like the ones you see in Disney movies with long crooked noses and talons for fingers shrieking ‘I will get you little Susie! And your little dog too!’ Witches are ordinary people who love and love too much sometimes and like ordinary people we get hurt and angry too, when someone harms us, so we can become mean too. The trick is to never let awfulness turn us ugly. But Mama T is a real witch and do you know how I know, Susie?”

“How?”

“Well Susie, around lunchtime, I was working on a silver ring, to distract me from the pain I am in right now. A little voice said to me ‘You will get a lovely surprise later’ but I said to my little voice with great bitterness “Don’t be ridiculous! No one loves me. Beauregard is dead and all I have left is Charley and there are no surprises coming!”

I joked “Nobody loves me, everyone hates me…think I am gonna eat worms…” Margot interjected “They don't know that song yet” I smiled, realising I was descending into darkness like a whirlwind of insanity. Pull up…pull up…

I said “Oh…well, anyway Susie“ I looked up at the ceiling with deep reverence. “You see, I am grateful to that spirit or angel or intuition in my head, as for once they did not lie because here you are, visiting me and gifting me with meals and snacks, and that was indeed a lovely lovely surprise. So thank you, my love!”

Then I told her that not just witches can get intuitions or inspirations or guidance but anyone. Everyone is psychic, it just takes practise to learn to recognise the messages when they come.

She nodded. Set about making something with a piece of foam I still had lying on the table. So I got her some rubber bands to twist the foam thing with, while Evie put the rubber band on her finger and I adjured her to never do that as it will cut off her circulation and cause a clot or blockage in her veins and it’s how sheep get their tails taken off, also certain breeds of dogs.

She did it anyway and her finger turned purple and she said it hurt and I smiled and said “See? Now you know it’s not a good idea!” When they left I said to Evie “Do you want to take a colourful rubberband home?”

She looked at me all serious and said “No as I will be tempted to wear it again and might hurt myself!” I laughed. “Wise move, Evie”.

I had also told them rather whimsically that wearing a rubber band on your wrist and flicking it every time you thought about a friend (or bf) that doesn’t love you anymore was a good way to get over them. But I said I tried that once and every time you think of that awful Person who hurt you, you flick the rubber band and the pain of it on your wrist helps you soon forget the person.

“Did it work?” asked Evie.

“Not really Evie…I just got a sore wrist instead of an aching heart! But I love too much and am stubborn like that!” Then we all laughed.

My god, those children are getting a weird education from me. But as children often do, like Beauregard, they see through the bullshit and fly straight to the core of what really matters in my absurdist magical world: the love.

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11:11 am make a wish. I wish that the sadistic Othering of poor people ends. That my dog had not been tortured by medical neglect for three days by so called professionals. That he had not died at the hands of insensate robotic monsters.

That I could have saved him in time. That I had had more money so I could have found kinder vets instead of that monstrosity of a “charity”.

I wish this zombie apocalypse who would end too.

I am grateful for true friends, loyal loves and the gifts of my little girls and my “big girl” last night.

Jarrod is on his way over to visit me this arvo. I am slammed with grief and exhaustion but I know I am loved.

I was cleaning up a silver ring I made a bit of a mess of yesterday. I threw it in the pickle. When I took it out it had a smudge of black staining in the shape of a heart which I thought ironic as I intend to solder a bezel heart shape onto its face and set an Opal I recut from the broken one. It was almost as if the silver “knew” it’s intended shape and destiny.

The black smudge of a heart had little runs across the left side of it, like a smudge. But looked like fire flickering across it. I took it as a sign from the gods that they have received my Bobo and will protect his soul and keep him precious for me. So we will be reunited in Time and Space, according to the will of my gods who call me constantly but who also hold me to this evil debauched earth.

Time is a human construct but imminently (eminently?) precious. If I could take back Time and fold it like origami, I would have had more time with my dog and perhaps more money and we could have enjoyed better health outcomes too. But that was not our fate. It’s too late. Too late.

But he is free now and the gates of heaven have opened for him and welcomed him and that Energy will love him in all the ways I was not able to provide for him. His soul will be healed and his little Magickal stroppy defiant heart will go on. In a spirit heart. Untainted untrammelled by mortal Desires/demands/expectations. He is free.

4 August 2022

3:00 am I can’t sleep which is rather inconvenient as I have my cleaning lady coming at 10 in the morning.

I don’t know why I have Insomnia? I went to bed just after midnight but have spent thd last three hours needing to pee constantly, and trying to snooze then having mild panic attacks about the horrific deaths of two of my cats that involved them passing large volumes of urine without being able to maintain any fluids in the body.

So I fear that I have developed a similar condition.

Especially as my bladder is a frankensteinian creation and its installation or repair was such an awful surgery I came close to suicide back in 2007.

I had to lie here and remind myself that I am a powerful self healer! That I have survived so much for so long, including in recent months, that I am being ridiculous fearing the next death spiral when I just pulled myself out of the last one.

I also had to remind myself that I found the extra energy to make another ring and bangle/cuff earlier in the evening and that the day before I spent several hours making rings too. So this is not the actions of a flailing dying woman!

What is it about the middle of the night when, in silence at last (after watching youtube videos and tv at night) do I do this weird insomnia trip?! I even had a weird nerve twitching on the third toe of my right foot. Plus hot flashes so had to throw the doona off.

Then the constant peeing which is the worst as no sooner I settle back into my warm bed, I find myself having to get up again.

Menopause is literally overkill!

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4 August 2021

I braved the shops to buy vegetables at Tarragindi then to Coles at Greenslopes. The fear is thick and palpable. I had to buy food as I had run out. I used half of my flybuys points as I am struggling so that was good. I got $50 worth.

When the lockdown is over I will start stocking up on dried foods and tins although I barely manage to buy food each fortnight I figure an extra tin here and there will be wise.

There was markedly less meat available (only mince or more expensive cuts). I bought a whole pumpkin to make pumpkin soup (.99 cents a kilo at the green grocer instead of what I paid at Coles last time which was $3 a kilo). Nuts!

I guess I will be living on pumpkin and potato soup from now on. It’s healthy enough and cheaper then meat.

I did buy chicken necks for Bobo to chew on. I cut them into small pieces. My chicken scissors broke so I will need to buy another pair of those. It took me ages to cut them up with a knife.

Other than that it’s another beautiful day although windy. My stomach still hurts but not as bad as last night so that’s a relief.

Another day in “Paradise” :-)

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Trigger warning: Covidian Insanity. Manic Denial. Defiance.

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I had my debrief today with my psychiatrist. I told him about my waking vision where Spirit or Higher Mind instructed me to carve a dish out of ebony and in the natural divot of the wood to pour molten silver into it.

I told my doctor that I had obeyed the instructions and bought a small quantity of ebony to make beads, to see if it was worth my while investing in a bigger piece of ebony and following the “instructions” but that I felt the vision had gone a bit nonsensical at the end as I thought that molten silver or any metal would just char the wood.

Seems I was wrong! Just now at 9 pm I felt inspired to look for YouTube videos of pouring metal into wood and here it is! My mind is officially blown and yes…I need to hurry up and manifest that larger block of ebony and follow my inner (outer spatial! Lol) guidance.

I had already promised Spirit that since I loved working with ebony so much, I was happy to make the dish that they showed me in the vision. It might take me a while until I can afford all the equipment for casting silver though. Hohum. If the gods Will it…it is no psychedelic dreamer’s dream!

I also told my doctor about my recent fight with QE2 reception staff. I told him how sickened and even suicidal I felt about the way Covid has brought out the ugliest in human nature (as in most war situations!)

I told him that I felt like we are all connected across all classes and paradigms by the constant fearmongering and monetisation of Death which bemusedly is and always has been a given, since the moment we first drew breath.

I told him that I felt the whole earth was in a giant aeroplane careening to crash and I was sitting up the back of the plane hearing everyone’s screams and torment… singing “Pull up pull up mofoes, as we can’t get to heaven wearing roller skates….”

We both burst out laughing and he told me I had a manic denial which is enchanting! Yup denial…but on a serious note, my infamous fierce defiant survivalism may not keep me alive much longer.

Not when it is apparent that hospital staff are primed and paid to push the buttons of the mentally ill as they hope we all go home and kill ourselves (to save the government in pensions and food and other consumables as we are deemed “useless eaters”!)

Well…I have fought longgg and hard for my very own existence. Covid can possibly kill me but what will kill me quicker is the everyday sadism of my fellow Australians and the poor excuses for very bad behaviour.

I would rather die then let one more evil person invade my body or my life. But when it comes down to it I am programmed to fight for this short fat indomitable hobbit body.

Even with its low blood pressure, predilections for growing polyps and its sanguine sense of self. Even with the lack of real authentic love partnership and the pernicious poverty. Even with the deep grief of living in a world on the edge of obliteration. Even with my dead pets. Even with the isolationism and the arrant dishonour!

Life still can be beautiful. Even if I can only bite off small mouthfuls and chew on it very very slowly, relishing every aspect of every day and still find good out in the world. Like my beautiful decent kind doctor who reminded me that like the book 1984, society will be divided into the vaccinated and the non-vaccinated and he fears for my safety.

I will die on my feet. A free and wild and fierce warrior woman as I was always destined to be. 🙂

I will choose my life and when the time comes…my death.

In the meantime…I must manifest ebony and anything else the gods want to test me with. I hope they are pleased with my progress so far. I know I can be stubborn and full of doubts.

I tell the gods to try to remember that after the life experiences I have endured and barely survived …I have serious trust issues.

But together, holding hands across the multiverses They are gifting me my true love, my freedom, my health (hack, spew!) and my belief in my own self! Who knows what other surprises They might hold for me as the world burns, swoons, segues and spirals out of control.

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Hmmm after reviewing my memoirs du jour I must strive to make my life so effortlessly beautiful that all the past attachments to former bloodlines, and former lovers, and toxic friends just shimmy away like a mirage. Set myself free of agony and angst.

Time is precious and fleeting.

Laila Tov. Time to attempt sleep.

4 August 2020

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You can still see her name even after grinding and wearing out several grinder thingies. The evil bitch won’t Die. Lol. What? Me, Worry?! I carry her in my DNA, my bones, my blood and would still have traces of her in my womb had I not had the hysterectomy in 2007.

But I do not give her permission to fuck my vibe like she fucked my life, all my love relationships and my daughters.

Enough already.

Omi...go back to your original Source. The thing that hated her own daughters, fuelled by greed and hate and lust, that used to debase me even into adulthood.

(I remember how you tried to get your friend David McSkimming a “peep show” by buying me tops then demanding I try them on and then tearing them off me, exposing my bra and breasts. It was immensely embarrassing.

In return though, David gifted me my first computer when he realised you were killing my soul, my reputation with your epic lies and invalidation.

He even lent me the two weeks advance rent to move into Waterford West to get me away from you. Out of frypan into the Fire as that brought me and my two daughters into the evil perverted clutches of Terry and Gila Rosily/Rosilio.

After I moved away from the house in Loganlea my neighbour told me she saw you and Buck Scherer driving down to Terry’s place at least once a week.

So the vile domestic terrorism was deliberate. You were part of that . You wanted me and my daughters raped and slaughtered. Wanted us driven out of our minds with trauma. Lied constantly to the police and courts when I tried to get support or actual justice.

You were and are the most evil creature ever spawned in this Earth.

And even after all of that... all of that.. I went to your aid when you were granny dumped in that home. Advocated for you. My mother MY MONSTER.

You must have thought I was such a Victim. Such a fool. What were your words to me when in the midst of your Alzheimer’s confusion you had that brief glimpse of cognition and recognised me, The Tanya, your daughter? “There is a lot of water under the bridge”.

No Mami it is your water. Your cesspool. Your blight and spite. Your rot. Your effluent.

But I did right by you at your end. Gave you a lovely funeral. So lovely even the funeral Director told me she was impressed and did I want to train to be a funeral director as I had been so calm and so professional. Easy when you are cremating a creature that only ever harmed you. No great love lost there.

Plus Death holds no horror for me. I have danced with Her all my life: a gift bestowed upon me by my filthy mother and her paedophile lovers.

Death was my strength and my comfort. Because I know that Death is only the gateway into a new life somewhere else.

But I was bidden by another evil monster named David Davidson to choose Life. He quoted it directly in Hebrew from the Torah (faking being a righteous man...faking being a Jew...faking being Human) oh how I fell for his lure...his allure. Mami’s prize henchman. She was right. He was weak (read:easily manipulated) and he did actually need a woman like me.

But I was cast aside because of my complex ptsd and my mother and her greedy corrupt demonic husband.

He chose easy. Simple. Uncomplicated. But False. As they all were: the Smiling Assassins.

But what can The Tanya dooo but grind off her own edifications. Her own slavery to The Beasts.

Rise and Shine: a Warrior Goddess still after all that was done to me, holding myself precious in my own Light.

Got a bit more savage with it. It’s a bit better. But I am tired now.

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Today was a weird sort of day. I was very ill, emotionally and physically (my poor somatising bowels: but I pushed through it. I spent the day in the garden, grinding the copper memorial sign off. It took a couple of hours.

I was restless today even though I felt weak and bloated with my tummy troubles. Yuck! 4 days of this. But constant over the past few weeks. Yet I have worked on odd jobs around the house and achieved a lot. Sick as a dog but not dead yet.

I will rest tomorrow I think.

Ohh ohhh it’s 11:11 pm. Make a wish! I wish my Angels would cut me some slack and gift me the life I always dreamed about. Make it a reality instead of my usual psychedelic dream that dissolves in the light of reality! 🙂

But who is The Tanya/the psychedelic dreamer without her Dreams...it’s the only thing that keeps me alive or gives me hope.

Ridiculous but true. On that note: Laila Tov. I need to interface with the gods in the astral realm. We have “work” to do!

Penny just climbed into her litter tray. She has chronic diarrhoea too. It is time to let her go to Valhalla but I have been holding on to her as she has been quite zesty lately, in spite of her dying. Where there is life there is Hope. Poor old girl.

She sat in the sun and watched me work today. My blessed beautiful girl.

4 August 2018

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12.58 pm finally awake and mobile after a fantastic night last night.

Jenny and I went to the Cacao ceremony at Ecstatic Dance and danced wildly and let our inner children out to play which is very spiritual and healing. I always feel very loved and valued.

I set my intentions: to let go of my unrequited love addiction (with great trepidation as letting go of true love feels like dying to me and I wonder if I will ever let go of that intense feeling of absolute joy and recognition) and to embrace a potential future with someone genuine next time.

Love has always been a block for me and it need never have been but my karmic path has always been a strange one. But I feel very much unconditionally loved and supported right now.

I may not have a life partner (yet! If ever?!) but I have great great spirits surrounding me, nurturing me, seeing me in my Becoming, my blossoming and unfoldment of old paradigms, ancient griefs and so many vile abandonments, seeing me as I am in my own unique blend of spirituality and humanity, and hearing my energy signals and my words.

Afterwards we went to the casino and again I felt loved by old acquaintances I had not seen in 3 months who were loving and generous and supportive of me.

I came home at 3 am, took a long epsom salt bath then collapsed into bed.

I awoke at 9 but could barely walk or function so let the hens out, fed Charlie bird and put him out in his outside cage and Beauregard and I went back to bed.

I might go outside and get some early afternoon sun before my personal night stalking, jive turkey, exhausted but happy Hobbit body turns back into a Zombie again.

I am so in love with Life right now! Thank you HaShem, all the gods, all the elementals, all the spirits of light, love and truth and all those on my path who uphold me and strengthen me and adore me for this next phase of my life.

I am very very blessed.

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Yes! Unresolved deep seated grief. Leaks out the edges of our manifested world. Lots to be angry about. So much suffering in such a beautiful planet.

Fire in my belly transmutes pain to fury and fury to passion and feelings of loss and hopelessness to the dance of action and the music of language and the triumphant cacophony of 7 billion Souls clamouring to be witnessed and heard is slowly becoming an unchained Melody of heart and mind and spirit.

Here I am! In this wonderful magical existence, resonating with my global tribe. Beginning the beguiling Beguine, falling apart at the seams but shining my Light, so often smited, out into the brightest day and darkest night.

Take my hand. We got this!

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4 August 2016

9.08 am. Woke up. Bobo made me! Lurched out of bed. Ran about the house in a mad desperate search for chocolate to re-enervate my life-force. Found none. (Need to bake a cake or biscuits so there are sugary things to quell my desire). Making a cup of tea.

Hugging my squeezy wheezy lungs. Grateful to the gods for breathing (add a little sympathetic hack because I mentioned lungs and breathing - like two errant brats my lungs will throw tantrums if I deny their full importance).

Luckily my gaseous bowels don't do the same! Although I spent the last few nights belching bellicosely for a long time before passing out into the void of exhaustion.

Weeeelll! I am only human after all. Superhuman feats of resistance to this lumpy gaseous body are in order. It is Thors Day. Tomorrow night we dance (if I am not dying, that is!)

It is a beautiful day. Windy. During the night the wind was tempestuous. A bit scary. It came almost out of nowhere, howled rampaged hurled. I will find my washing in weird places this morning.

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Nah. Lucky. Only one towel thrown to the ground.

I am in a Byron Bay state of mind. Pity I am broke or I would go there today. Hmmm. Full tank of petrol. Hmmm. Maybe just maybe. But I need to rest too.

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Trigger warning: trauma processing.

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Now eating toast with cumquat jam as undeadable creature needs sugar! (Cos she didn't get enough love in her childhood but there was always sugar. Lots and lots of it!)

Can you even believe my (now former) love interest abhors sugar and insisted on giving me sugarless banana Bread and had to put honey on it so I could get that baking soda confection down my neck. Tanya Abuse! So that was the end of almost everything. Fucking hippy! Lmao!

I have had men fuck me, use me, strangle me, cheat on me, lie to me, lie about me, degrade me in front of my own staff, steal from me, exploit me for my car, but not one, not ever, dared (breathe, Tanya) come between me and my sugar addiction before. (Flares nostrils!)

Fuck you, you reptilian! (I love you madly!) but there will be chocolate, lollies and sweet sweet adorable things until I die! Quality of life!

PS toast…Blech!

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Sitting at The Three Monkeys, because the wind is up and I am called - which is Witchy Speak for I am off my head, restless, antsy and a bit lost.

I have very little money so buying coffee and cake is seriously irresponsible and reckless but I am dolled up in full makeup, underbust, gothic skirt, feeling rich in spirit and powerful in spite of my poverty and degradation.

I saw my psychiatrist yesterday. Last night Manny Waks wrote on Facebook how he is contemplated suicide during his therapy session yesterday. He is new to therapy so it must be confronting for him.

We survivors were all very supportive. I pm’d him and told him the Angels have his back. I hope I am not full of shit. Imagine if the Angels had my back too. Who would I might yet become?

I intend to ask the tattooist here, for a quote on a re-colour on my tattoo- the emblem of renewal. Eternal Is-ness and Renewal. I am whom I am Becoming.

(Prosperous would be good, loved, even better. Healthy, and fully functioning. A goal to aspire to.)

I wonder? What my future will be? In the meantime, breathing, living moment by moment. Striving for balance and relative happiness.

So I have had a wander around the shops. I have slipped into The Loft. Now I am sipping Jack Daniel’s, feeling relieved, and released (after a gastric assault!) Gahhh! The lovely marshmallow chocolate cake and mugaccino went right through me like a dose of salts.

It’s showering with rain but not so cold. Here I sit, feeling lonely but looking fabulous and writing in this diary like a parvenue with my flamingo pen and my quirky going-nowhere personality.

But yes…Jack Daniel’s is soothing my soul. I have to rescue my car soon, in half an hour as the parking fee expires. I had a look at the shoe shop. They had amazing Docs for $220, painted like Bruegels. Tempting…if only I had the money.

I am not sure why I felt I had to be in West End today. Or rather, felt the urge for the past few days)? Nothing unusual or unexpected or terribly exciting has happened.

Except for two young men staring from the pub across the road (the Boundary Hotel). Weird! But I did say I look fabulous.

Fab and 51! Limitless Potential. Onwards and upwards. Flying by the seat of my pants. Loving it. Living it.

Missing the stillborn romance that I could have/should have/might have had with Dave Charles, that dreadful Dreadlocked Hippy Freak that I can’t seem to get over. Another of my epic sad, useless, unrequited Dead Dread End Affairs.

I am still getting over Davidson’s Ghost hunting me down after he died. Trying to make sense of my nonsensical life. One of the young in’s across the road, looks from this great distance, like a young Davidson, lol!

Is this what spirit insisted I come here for? For more epic fucking triggering? Lucky I am safely at another venue. (I am not paranoid, they keep looking at me. Well a cat can look at a canary!)

This flamingo-clutching writer has her JD and attitude so fuck them. I need money asap. I got paid on Tuesday but spent all my money on bills, Petrol, today’s coffee and cake and one JD. So that is it for me. For two weeks. So I am a bit panicked.

Tomorrow I am helping Lyn and Annette, being a buffer when Annette goes to clear out her marital home as she is selling it. Which means she will saddle me with all the heavy lifting bullshit because I am “The Man” lmao.

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Watching Tallulah. Feeling tired and sad. But this too shall pass. Sitting on my couch with my dog. Still in full makeup but removed the rest of my regalia.

3 monkeys is cool but their cake or cappuccino made me violently ill. I always choose to forget that fact. Which is why I go there so rarely. Still it was a nice afternoon outing.

I think they don't clean their coffee machines properly. I deliberately chose a cake that had not been bought from yet.

It is really a hassle as the public toilets in West End are frequented by junkies and feral so I had to go to the Loft. Then I bought a JD as I felt bad having to use their toilet. The JD actually soothed my stomach! Lol!

4 August 2015

3.11 am. Jarrod and little Harvey just went home. We spent the evening with me chatting manically. We skyped with Crystal who was happy to catch up with both of us together. Jarrod copied 11 dvd's of Crystal's stuff from her hard drive so she was rapt.

I made some special seasoning for my wooden boards from Coconut oil and beeswax. (My weird Home maintenance thing I do). I wasn't totally anti-social though. I ate most of his gluten free lollies cos I am a brat and a piglet and didn't stop nattering all afternoon and night. Jarrod will sleep well tonight ;-).

Unfortunately after 23 years of friendship he is used to my weird wiley ways. We found these cool photos and videos Crystal took of us when we scattered Mum's ashes in March 2010.

Man, I was sooo fat then. Bloody Abilify. Thank god Gail made me go off it. I was 103 kgs. Wow! I also stumbled around like a mental patient.

Now I have tone and look much fitter but alas still have sleep apnoea and my unique brand of Madness I call "Empowerment". I tell you I was feeling edgy today, then I remembered my HRT patch was due and within hours of replacing that I was cooking buttery cream stuff to season wood. Like, Duh! Domestic Goddess! Disturbia!

The previous night it was apple and rhubarb pie. Omg! Hormones. Absolutely Fabulous iconic women were right. I used to laugh my head off at that shit. Now I am living the psychedelic dreamer hormonic maniacal Dream, it aint so funny. I mean, me, wanting to cook and clean house. That shit just got Real.

Just before Jarrod left, he begged me not to do the dishes. "Please, no more home maintenance!" It actually scares him. The one man in the known universe who knows the Real Tanya. It was almost 3 am. The dishes ( just a few!) can wait.

Tomorrow arvo I am having a chunk of cancerous flesh removed from my shoulder. Lyn has me under strict Mummy instructions to not do any crazy shit in the garden post-surgery like I did when the Dr removed a chunk out of my hand.

Which led me to decide to drive a stake into the garden with a hammer with my hand full of stitches and then I sorted out the loamy contents of my worm farm. With fresh wounds and swollen hand and stitches. Yeah crazy shit. I think the anaesthetic made me do it.

So tomorrow I will have a hole in my shoulder but no skin cancer. Noice! It's all happening.

I have to pick up Laying Mash so I must remember not to shoulder it on my sore shoulder. Ahem! It can sit in the car for a few days.

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I woke up. At 9 pm! I missed my skin cancer removal appointment. Rescheduled for next Tuesday. Grrr! I was so elevated yesterday that it took me 150 mgs Seroquel and several hours to fall asleep. Wow! When I did sleep it was for 14 hours. I needed it.

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11pm. Back in bed. Still written off. I am gonna watch another episode of Orange is the New Black then go back to sleep. Life in suspended animation after turmoil and wild dancing.

Psychedelic Dreamer lives in abundant excess. Feast or Famine. Largess or lethargy. Joy or Depression. Very little balance. The Sword of Damocles swings both ways.

In spite of all the shit this year, and every previous 49 years...I am happy to be alive. Only because something way bigger than me won't let me die. So the lie goes that something really good might yet happen for me after all. (Still chasing the cheese in the Laboratory test of my life).

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On friday or saturday nights I am very ecstatically emotionally in motion...until I drop!

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4 August 2014

Yesterday was a very spiritual day. First it was my parents' anniversary then secondly, it was the anniversary of the start of WW1. I went to the Peace Rally for Israel. On the bus trip, I looked up from Facebook on my iphone to see that the time was exactly 1.11 pm. Another message from the angels so I was on high alert!

I arrived early and waited for the crowds of supporters to commingle. Sally met me there. I also met a woman who debriefed with me completely out of the blue, as she was distressed as she had been asked to leave by a person of reasonable standing in our community.

When she told me why he was hostile to her, I got quite a shock. I have referred her to speak to the appropriate advocacy group for that issue. An ugly one.

I suggested she stay for the rally and that as a Jew in support of Israel she had as much right to participate as anyone else. So together we chatted and enjoyed the true spirit of the day in spite of her being ostracised by a creep. I was proud of her for holding her head up high.

After the rally, Sally bought me lunch and some lovely cakes. She drove me home and had a visit with Socks and Sophie. After she left I felt rather exhausted, so I slept for a few hours.

Then I went out to Irish Murphys and danced wildly for 2 hours. I needed to just stamp out my mojo to the beautiful Vibe.

After the pub closed at midnight, I was walking back to the car, and found one of my homeless friends sitting outside. So I sat with her and we laughed and chatted and she bummed smokes off the gamblers and I felt rather cross that one or two would promise to give her some money but they would go back in and keep gambling.

I can't help feeling that they were worse Losers than my lady friend and myself. One asian guy offered to buy me drinks and take me home. I said "No Thanks. I'm heading home soon." He whined he had lost $500 and was going back in.

I said "You should go back another night, tonight is not your night." Gambling has got to be the most degrading of all addictions. I grew up with one. Ghastly lifestyle.

I left my homeless friend at 1.30 am cos my arse was cold. I worried how she would get through the night. She said she is used to it and she was actually quite warm. I am grateful for my abundant prosperity. Still enough sanity to not choose to live rough. Scary concept but normal life for so many people.

If I won the lotto which I rarely buy a ticket as it is such a dreadful waste of time and money, I would buy her a nice house. May Hashem watch over her and protect her!

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Happy Mama! Crystal just popped in for a visit between classes. Awesome!

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4 August 2013

5.30 am. Great night of dancing with Sarah at Elephant Arms. Good band!

Sore feet, sore legs, happy mind and soul! Off to sleep now.

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2.13 pm. Jarrod has picked me up in his car and is driving me to Fish Chicks so he can buy a Show Betta and then we are going to Hungry Jacks for lunch. (Well, my breakfast!) Woot!

It's so nice to be driven around by Jarrod who only recently finally got his license. He is an excellent driver.

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4 August 2011

The Sea, the Sun, The Horizon ( a symbol of Infinity, and going over the edge to duel with dragons there lol), Good Loving Friends who are strong in their faith in the Supernal, and even stronger in their Love for me, willing and able to stand by my side when I most need them! What Bounteous Gifts! What Blessing! What Joy! I am amazed!

4 August 2010

I had a busy day today, planting seedlings in my new vege garden, pottering around while the Drainer attempted to clear my drains for the thousandth time. Apparently they will come back and put a camera thingy down my pipes to see where it's broken. I suppose that's some kind of progress.

Copyright Tanya Désirée Arons