Memories: 4 June 2025

4 June 2025

8:56 am interesting dreams this morning. Very detailed. I dreamed (quite astonishingly) of going to a gig and staying at someone’s house on a large property. It was huge. It had four kitchens! I was wanting to dress for the gig but someone had stolen my clothes that I was going to wear to the gig! I was furious.

The musician friend (we are not friends anymore in real life…after his humiliating me about me requesting “Zombie” at the Koala Tavern) but anyway, in the dream he was helping me chase all over this huge mansion looking for my clothes. He was just as upset and angry as I was and was being very supportive!

Anyway, I go out into the garden and the owner who was French had this huge bbq or incinerator-type set up full of chicken bones and left over chicken meat from the restaurant. “What the hell is that?” I asked, still frantically rushing around looking for my clothes. “Oh” he says, “we burn all the kitchen scraps and then recycle it on the gardens.” I look around me. “You do have lovely gardens and a lovely home!”

Finally I go back into the mansion and find my clothes where I had left them. All neatly folded. Someone’s idea of a prank. (They were not even fancy clothes but ordinary matronly looking things lol). All that stress for nothing!

The dream was suffused in golden light. Very pretty.

Now to wake up and face reality.

Good morning!

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https://youtu.be/ca5syPppjLE “Cuff Progress Report”

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Welll….I soldered it back on but I also melted the little darling Motherfucker! Swings and roundabouts. #ineedanewHobbyIcansucceedin. #poutingandsulking #titaniasrealm #wherethemagicksometimeshappens

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https://youtu.be/lyL80kCesD8 “Finished polishing, setting the stone (gasp!) tomorrow

4 June 2023

I woke up at 7:34 am. I still feel exhausted but I got out of bed, let Bobo out for a pee, then polished up the beautiful sterling silver bangle I made from vintage sugar tongs. I still feel weak so will probably go back to bed.

It’s a grey misty showery morning.

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7:34 am I had a complete nervous collapse last night. I was so dizzy I could barely walk. My heart was racing. I thought I might die. So I had to give up on the idea of going dancing.

I went to bed instead. I lay down to rest around 4:30 pm but still did not sleep until after 10 pm. But I knew I was in trouble from over exerting myself the past few days. Now I know the dizziness and unsteady gait is how I manifest sheer exhaustion.

Still no pain with the tooth that needs a root canal. I did panic that the weakness was related to that. But I am holding myself in my usual flight patterns…circling through each day, come what may, holding my sacred ground.

I think I will be gentle with myself today.

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4 June 2022

I finally found the strength to change my sheets. It’s so delicious lying on my bed with clean sheets.

I won’t be able to visit Ailsa before she is sent to the aged care facility. But I have agreed to talk to her by phone tomorrow instead.

It’s just so awful that I don’t get to see her in person. And that the last time she saw me in person I was having a row with her weird ass son. So you know it’s a replay of the abandonment rejection and cruelty that happened when I left NZ, with Hilda dying only 9 days later. Some evil fractalised pattern repeating.

But it’s not Ailsa’s fault that I got sick and can’t see her in what’s left of my slowly eroding flesh. I grieve for that.

Anyway, while I was struggling to make my bed, gasping for air like a flapping fish, a memory surfaced. A fortune teller had told me years ago that I would develop a friendship with a very old lady and that she would have difficulty or bad luck at her end and I was not to get myself too distressed as some things are fate and I was to just let it go without struggling as there was nothing I could do anyway.

She actually worded it this way…”You will meet people in life who seem to depend on your light, Tanya but it’s not your job to save them…you need to practise the art of smacking them on their arse and sending them on their way as they need to find their own pathways through life. But she said it was tragic as in this case I would feel like the abandoner and that was not by choice!”

How accurate that reading was! Because I fought with her son, I could no longer visit her and only in the last few days did they ask me to visit (probably a little bit wracked with guilt as they know I was fond of her!) and now, because of my asthma and slight cold ….it’s too late. FFS

So all I can do now is send her lots of love, blessings and strength for her new (end stage existence) in the Home and yes…let the rest goooo.

In fact now that I am seriously convinced that I myself am dying….I need to practise the art of detachment, not take on other people’s burdens and prepare for my own letting go of this mortal coil.

They say the more you hold on to people, things etc the harder it is to die. I am only holding on for the sake of Beauregard and Charlie and my few precious friends. But I think I am ready to accept my re-entry into the next dimension next time. Hopefully “they” will accept me this time.

I am so sick of chronic ill health and constant tangoes with lady death. It’s fucking torture. Yet here we are… clean bed, dog beside me.

Sunshine, beauty and a picture of you!

Update 4 June 2024: my beautiful 94 year old friend Ailsa Lawrence was murdered by medical negligence on 2 April 2024. A staff member at her aged care facility in Forest Lake, Brisbane had given her two pain patches (overdosed her) then panicked and forced a drink down her throat so she aspirated.

So that prophesy from decades ago actually came true! The horror of it. And no one will do anything about it, because of her age. Heinous!

Rest in peace Ailsa. I love you. You deserved better than that!

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Note to self:

The tragedy of my entire life is that I never found a truly loving loyal faithful life partner.

The miracle and blessing of my life is that I had to learn to be All the love I needed for and by myself.

Somewhere in between those two dichotomies there was the agape love I got gifted rather randomly along the way.

The love I expended on my daughters (even though one is estranged). The love I poured into dear friends, and my pets.

Love…..it’s a mystery and a magick that I never wielded (welded?) too well. It was too often my greatest wounding and infernal suffering. No wonder my own body turned on me. Sick of dragging me through with my absurdist pollyanna dreams of safety and sanctity, serenity and somatised bliss with my own beloved.

Wherefore art thou Romeo????….Yeah well fuck off!!! Not one wanted me and who can blame them really? They want healthy, wealthy, docile little handmaidens. Shitfuckery in Shakespearean (would you like to poke a stick at that?) instalments dragged out over 57 years!

But I am not bitter! I have lived on earth and had some beautiful experiences. Even on rare occasions a few orgasms. C’est la vie Bitches. It was not all bad. But mostly it wasn’t all good either.

Such is the measure of a life. Like soup! Once it’s all in solution you never know what you are immersed in. Until it’s too late.

Well the heat keeps getting turned up but I am ready to get out of the pot now. 🙂

Sun cancers have me brutalised and over-cooked.

4 June 2020

I have a Hebrew prayer on my mind today. Hinei ma tov u’vamayim shivet achim. How good it is for Brothers to sit together in unity. Words to that effect.

Someone is going Home!

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The Shades of the Past are clamouring for my attention. Demanding I look back at their behaviours and their vile vicious violent violations of my body mind and heart.

They have nothing new to teach me. Only the merest fact of my Survival in the face of ALL their treachery and sadistic perversions. The meeting in February a stark and timely reminder that there are many still willing to play that fucked up game: Othering and victimisation and vilification of a woman who stood up, against the effluvial stream of debasement and was counted.

Fearlessly free to be me! Too many strangulations will do that to a woman. Make her strange and fierce and utterly intransigent in her own sense of righteousness.

They didn’t like that I kept living in spite of them, even at times to spite them. Then one by one my enemies fell to the vicissitudes of their own natural demises. As do we all in our own divine timing.

I stand here completely in awe of the woman I am. The woman I may yet Become. I loved myself Alive again.

It was a long slow process. I was torn down and had to reconfigure a thousand times. The Zombie lifestyle was hellish but I shuffled myself through it until one day I found my own power. The power of Truth. Courage. Heart.

Then I realise now that it is true what my shaman friend told me recently. These people only wanted to destroy me as they could not comprehend my Light. It was a game to them. A sadistic blighted frippery. A childish churlish charade. They underestimated me. As did I!

I was guided by Angels, sometimes the darkest Angels, who found me in my metaphorical sackcloth and ashes and placed a crown on my head and anointed me. Not as a prophetess or a Queen. But a woman who Survived. I was protected in the final wars by Something Holy. An intervention of sorts.

No man, woman or child can come close to my mana without being influenced by it. In some small way. Or maybe profound ways.

I am not loved by the man I chose to love. That is okay. Rather a theme of my entire life, coming from a family of the most venal abusers.

But I am safe. Safe in the knowledge that my heart and my spirit is bigger than that. Stronger, wiser. More determined than ever, especially in the dystopian shitshow of plague, recession, climate change and political and social unrest.

While many are newly acquainted with these traumas I have absolutely lived through worse. Far, far worse.

My children being threatened with prank calls while I attended Kabbalah classes in a misguided and vicious attempt to prevent me from stepping into my light and learning anything of any value. Just one tiny example of what I was put through.

The ultimate lesson: I don’t need to learn anything. To study anything. Everything I know or need to know is already inside me. I am the knowledge and the gnosis. I have nothing to prove and no Thing to show up for.

They can waggle their dicks at me and decimate my female form with their crass infantile sordid jokes and filthy observations but I rose above it and left them scrabbling in their own dirt where they utterly belonged.

I have been gifted isolation. For decades. 19 years since I quit that class. 19 years in September since that other global catastrophe September 11.

19 years of healing my self. 4 years since that cunt Davidson died and he slammed his dead spirit fists on my front door. A human sound. So loud I opened the door expecting a policeman to be standing there. The loud footsteps stomping up my steps had even scared my dog.

But he cannot gain access to my most sacred of spaces ever ever again. I rebuke him. So he might have inspired me to peruse and type out those lessons. So...so what?!

It was an effort I put into, putting myself in danger with him and his filthy girlfriend and their corrupt colluding teacher constantly humiliating me. It was a show of my power. Holding my own dignity without resorting to anger or violence. They had to attempt to terrorise my children to get to me. That is the calibre of cuntish misogyny I was dealing with.

But my children were stronger than they realised. Jasmine saw right through them. Fought them physically when I was strangled by Terry. My brave little girl. But that is how they cost me my child. Through trauma. And for that I pray that hell knows no bounds for them.

That they writhe and burn in eternal torment until the day comes for my restitution. I will find them in the next dimension. Finish what should have been done in this life.

Nay! Revenge belongs only to the gods. It already showed me when he dared to smash his spirit hands on my front door. I have been loved and protected by the gods which is why I am still here. Even after that vile misogynistic surgery.

Rolls eyes...where will my life end? Or when? The Holy One sends me spirits of great Mana now. My cousin’s grandfather, a Maori Chief and his wife. Great great Mana. I am afraid as do they not say in homeopathy “Like Cures Like”.

They address me as Manatoa. Great power. But I am just a little middle aged Hobbit woman with sore feet and a broken love life. A destiny yet to be fulfilled when all I crave is peace, comfort, true love in my current age and for the rest of my life.

I suppose that is delusional. But The Tanya wants what The Tanya wants. For her most beneficial outcome.

I am hungry for a goodly life. Safe and loved. Admired. Protected. Cuddled and cosseted. Enough trauma and attracting cuntish arseholes.

As my worthy psychiatrist (one of the few men who consistently has my back) reminded me. These people sought me out. Came to me. I never went looking for them.

They were drawn to me with their own filthy agendas and I dealt with them as only a warrior goddess can. (I never started a fight in my life but I made sure I finished every motherfucking one! Wipes brow! Phew!).

The Unrequited one had something they desired but could not contain. Mana. Mojo. Love and Light. A tumescent gallows humour and spirit that shone bright.

Sei gesund. Smile. It’s manifesting each and every day. As I look back to the Shadows, and flick on the Light. They cower and feint and toss. Him of the self-proclaimed magnificent penis whom only had skin in the game as he lacked honour and integrity. Shallow bully and coward. Hahaha ...see what I did there? Skin in the game.

Never mind. Skin is just a surfactant that shields the blood and iron and core. We were both Snakes and both Aries and I with my unholy unnatural upbringing with monsters was just too powerful for him and his consorts and cohorts. And they knew it. God only knows how they knew it.

“I love you” they scream from beyond the veil, hoping to succour my rage and seduce me into intemperate patience with them. But they were vicious bloodless children. Dessicated desecrated unholy perverts. And I?! The Survivor of even worse perverts than they, since early childhood...could only pity them.

So today, tomorrow and for the rest of my life: I allow only those of genuine true respect, honour and love for me to enter my holiest of holies. The repository of my Infamous Last Nerve.

My most beautiful and most precious and most miraculous final frontier of Womanhood. My heart. My Lifeforce. My ecstatic dancing triumphantly joyous Dance.

Everyone else look busy! I AM HERE!!!

4 June 2019

1:05 pm. Very strong winds today. Be careful driving, Brisbanians. At least it is sunny outside.

4 June 2018

Busy morning. Off to the “murder house”. Dentist at QE2 hospital then Crystal and Jarrod and our doggies are going on a road trip to Mt Tambourine. Yayyyy!

Living life in mini-adventures as I have been so sick for so long so I need to grab at life as much and as often as I can.

Yesterday was a hard day. Pining for an old lover, feeling distraught and beaten down by a crushing soul-destroying loneliness which was dispelled by the sight of eternity (the horizon at sea) at Wynnum Beach.

Walking around like a ghost then revivified, Bobo and I ran across the sand like wild children and puppies. It gave me strength and succour but coming home the walls sank in on top of me like mud.

I watched interesting movies on sbs on demand “the girl king” about a lesbian Queen of Sweden who tried to bring Enlightenment and education to a “country of peasants”. She was friends with Rene Descartes.

The night before, I watched “The brave new world” about Pocahontas. Another woman who loved too much, a feckless selfish cur of a man.

This did not allay my depression.

Never mind. Today is another day I get to breathe free of the past and dance in my own sunshine and lightbody (even if I am a hefty Hobbit woman!)

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My former lover and homeopath (the evil now-dead Israeli cunt!) once told me that I had the physique of a German peasant (Bauern) that was designed to plough fields and gather harvests so I need to move my body and work really hard to keep fit.

I Suspect my bastard mother told him to tell me that as they were in collusion to destroy me.

Ultimately he was partially right. I do feel better after dancing for several hours (mentally at least, as the endorphins kick in when I am already beyond exhaustion).

But my Scottish Ancestry also harbours fat cells to outlast winters of discontent (and famine) and monstrous English traitors lolll

4 June 2017

Big shift (and shits!) happening. The last 4 nights Sophie cat has been running through the house like a Hellian.

This evening one of my cats did a big steaming dump on the rug in the lounge. I was furious as I had only just cleaned it and gotten it dry and replaced it in the past few days.

When I cleaned the poop I found a dried pee stain (probably from last night) in the same spot. So I washed it off and poured vinegar on it.

I myself was subjected to an upset stomach tonight as well. I found this perturbing as all I ate today was hot chicken fresh from Woolies and a packet of caramels. Maybe a bad mix in my gut but nothing that should cause diarrhoea. I have felt fatigued since forever but the past few days were bad although I still managed to dance on Friday night.

The cats are unsettled and Beauregard is very clingy tonight.

What is going on?

I hope my daughter in England is safe from the terrorist attacks. I am no longer in contact with her but I pray she is protected by Great Spirit and safe and well.

I myself am going forward into the world with my head high and my arse hanging low but Nu? So what is new?

Life goes on and my cataclysmic gut problems are just one of my many gifts from the microcosm to contend with.

This morning I salted the perimeter of my property asking Hashem for protection to allow only true friends, true loves in my gates and to protect all who live here and all who come and go. Sacred Space must remain Sacred!

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@ Brisbane Betta Breeders IBC International Betta Show.

4 June 2016

I woke up after only 3 and a half hours sleep. Loving the wild winds and rain. The garden will be singing for a few days. Wildness gets me high!

Drinking tea and lying in my warm bed. Bobo refused to pee outside as it is wet wet wet but oh well. He is happy having snuggles with Mama.

I am tired but happy. I had 2 croissants and a peanut slab (NZ chocolate "Whittakers") for breakfast. Yummy! I am going to just let the day unravel graciously.

It almost sounds like the sea with the rain pelting down on my tin roof. Reminds me of my childhood in Island Bay. We went through many maelstroms there, including the Wahine Disaster when I was 3.

Maybe that is why I love a good wild frenzied earthshaking teeth-chattering Storm to this very day.

What doesn't kill you makes you stronger. Or stranger. Loving Life in all its glorious fury. Thar She Blows!!!

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I found this morning that my internet was down. So switched iPhone on and off and reset the modem and the TV set top box. I did notice workmen last evening working on the Optus tower.

Now I wonder how much data I have used up by not realising I was on 3G and had no Wifi. Dammit!

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12.25 pm. I have been awoken by the sound of Beauregard chewing through another of my bras. It was on top of my empress chair on top of cushions. Nothing is sacred or safe with him. Lucky it was not my corset.

So out we went in the rain which has eased to a gentle drizzle. He peed. But not much. I filled up the chicken food (still in my nightie, cos...fuck it). It is a thick cotton one so it see-through. John can have a quick thrill. He obsesses anyway.

I haven't had any trouble from him after he last offered to rape me so I told him I was sick of his bullshit and I will be informing his daughter, the Doctor about her father's rape fantasies. He has left me alone after that! :-) Silly demented old alcoholic Romanian.

Anyhow, back in bed. Legs aching feet sore, fairly tired still. But feeling better each day. Ha! Just now discovered how Bobo is getting my bras.

He climbs up on the chair, on top of the cushions and pulls everything off. Just had to move my corset out of his mouth-reach. Little brat! Two bras gone in a week. Luckily old worn ones. I also threw out 2 more as they were worn out.

He has a dozen toys all strewn over my bedroom and hallway floor but the idiot dog has a lingerie fetish. Typical bloke!

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Birds are singing again. Rain must be over. Neighbourhood quiet and bunkered down. Lovely day!

4 June 2015

4 June 2014

Just had my 3 weekly debrief. Phew. My doctor was horrified to hear I had been attacked and he stated that my trauma almost always stems from the Vilification of my victimhood. Yes! He gets it!

He thinks I am a bit brittle after the trauma on Friday and will see me in a week. I feel very supported and cared for. I am lucky to have some wonderful friends, professionals and my gorgeous daughter in my life.

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So I just arrived at Crystal's. She tells me that Ramon and Sookie are in love. He no longer just humps her. She actually goes up to him and lowers her head to invite him to mate. (They are both desexed so it is rather cute.)

Happy little Bunnies!

My new little Chinese Silky bantam just blew my mind. She is a little white Puffball of Attitude. She chased the scrub turkey right out of my yard. Wish I had filmed it. It was hilarious.

Little Frieda is just like her new Mama. All big hair, big Attitude and Feistiness. She ran to join up with Tabitha and Elvira who are much bigger than her too. Tabs pecked her hard on the head so I had to push her away.

It will take time to sort the pecking order but I eventually got little Frieda back on her nest to sit in her egg. Not sure if it is viable after her running amok and clucking in outrage for half an hour. What a catawaul! Or should I say chookfest?!

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Chag Sameach Shavuot! The Giving of the Law on Mt Sinai. A Momentous Occasion of the creation of the very first Justice System (the ten commandments) brought down from the Mountain by an exhausted but exhilarated Moses and delivered to the Children of Israel (whom it is taught in Kabbalah, that all who were ever born, or living at that time, and all the souls of the yet to be born for all the future generations, even me lol, were present on that day of reckoning, when Hashem spoke to the people through thunder and lightning and gave the Law!)

Those 10 basic laws later in history formed the foundation of the British Law in the Magna Carta. Those basic laws form the foundation of all human decency for all the nations.

The fact that those laws are not always obeyed, or are corrupted or ignored, does not change the intense spiritual meaning of that event, thousands of years ago, amidst a primitive people, former slaves in a desert in the Holy Land. A land that is still fought over and reviled by many nations. Scary thought.

To be a Jew, to hold to those laws, to hold to that Land, to cleave to our culture in the face of so much unjustified blind hatred and revulsion has never been an easy task. Once again Anti Semitism in the form of BDS and anti-Zionism in Europe has prompted a new exodus to Israel, the only country where (in theory!) it is safe to be a jew and live as a jew or die as a jew.

Some of us, choose to not live a strictly religious life but in our hearts and minds we know what it means to be a Jew, for have we not lived through horrors amongst horrors, the following generations of the Holocaust survivors? Do we not Know in every core of our being, at a cellular level, the trauma of what it means to be alive on this planet and a survivor?

Some of us turn away from G-d and our spirituality but in the end, it comes back to find us, in the streets, in the cities, in the countries of our birth and in places we have migrated to, we can never forget who we are. The World won't let us. The world would annihilate us once again.

We hold on to our faith in a higher power that shows us unconditional love and protection, acceptance and grace, in a world that is often unloving and often unlovable. Like the Alchemist, we pray and connect and co-create a world that is good, and kind and meaningful. We rebuild from our shattered past, and heal the wounds of a sick and dying planet.

We live as one with Great Spirit, and we connect with all peoples of all times. For this we were chosen, then almost totally destroyed, only to rise again as a nation. This is the long tired history of the Jews.

We cannot be denied our God, our right to Thrive as a People once more, or our right to basic safety and freedom.

4 June 2013

Quiet day. Slept til 2.30 pm. Went to aldi to buy cat food, dog food and milk. Came home. Watching Game of Thrones season 2. Loving it!

4 June 2012

I was so stressed from being scammed on the Net and having to go to the bank today to open a new Account and then wait ages to notify Centrelink of my new Bank Account number...I had to take to my bed and slept for several hours. Phew! Hopefully I don't get scammed again. It was very distressing!

4 June 2011

A gloriously beautiful day even though I slept through most of it. Thinking about going out tonight. Maybe I'll meet that special man who has a lot more to offer me than coffee and cake LOL, although I doubt it …But you never know if you don't go!

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Computer out of action again. grrrrrr. so I will be updating from my phone again.

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I'm temporarily using my baby's laptop and although I feel technologically stunted...fumbling all over the place with this machine, I have to say, I Love It a lot. Maybe if I ever win the will dispute I will buy one and a new desktop is desirable too.

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TRUE BLOOD season 3 sucks MAJORLY. I LOVE IT. Awesome show! Can't wait for season 4 to fill my life with authentic bloodsuckers instead of the shadowy vampires in my real world! I RESCIND MY INVITATION!!!

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I'm furious and disappointed that some people think I'm a disposable object. I smell mendacity, a serious lack of respect and integrity and a huge case of male menopause. It's completely fucked. After such a happy day and my new mojo… ka plam...blown to pieces again.

4 June 2010

It's been a busy week. Can't remember what I managed to get done but feel exhausted anyway. It's 11 pm so I think I will go and snooze the night away (another favourite way to kill Time!)

Copyright Tanya Désirée Arons