Memories: 3 August 2025

3 August 2025

It’s a beautiful morning….but after last night’s theft by both my bank and audible (who authorised that evil shit) I am down for the count. Still quite unwell so could have done without that added drama!

I am going to try to focus on something beautiful today. Make something beautiful out of all the ugliness humans have left me.

Trying not to have a panic attack, not to sweat the small Stuff, not to leap off the edge of an abyss that some evil filthy thieving bastard set up for me. They really like taking advantage when I am sick and vulnerable, don’t they?

Happens every time. Well, the sun is shining …and it’s free. The Tanya freely shines. Nothing and noone is gonna fuck my vibe today. I am going to stand tall and strong in my stoicism. It’s all illusion anyway. Razzle dazzle it Babies!

…

My neighbours come past. The husband tells me they are all Sick so they can’t come near. I said “it’s all good. I am sick too. We can just swirl in each other’s germs.” He informs me that he’s been constantly sick all winter. I ask him “why is that? Are you working too hard? Is your immune system compromised?”

He says “I don’t know but I had a vaccine last week, now sick again”. I try not to roll my eyes. “Vaccine? Not another Covid vaccine?” “No” he says “flue vaccine.” I tell him “oh no, the worst! They put mRNA in that too now. You need to avoid all their poisons as much as possible”.

He replies “I think there’s something more serious going on…I am going to the doctor next week!” He looks at me meaningfully. He knowwws deep down. I try not to freak the fuck out. I look at his beautiful wife and children. This is our world now. It’s terrifying. And our intelligent people are still complying with it. Brains but no common sense.

Now I feel really upset but there’s nothing anyone can do! They happily collected macadamia nuts. I told them to take as many as they want. Abundance from a tree of life. L’chaim.

May we be blessed with long and healthy lives. Amen. Eat healthy, detox your life, be in nature. Love, live, laugh.

…

Very cold day. The sun shone like silvery sparkles all morning then the day turned sour in the afternoon.

I am still struggling with asthma/bronchitis. Still weak and enraged about the audible/Comm bank robbery of my money last night.

But I did my vlog reading “Satan’s Choice” and then went to bed after wards for a rest.

…

…

…

…

Watching “Persian Lessons” on Prime (using up the rest of my membership until 19 August). Intense but excellent movie about a Jewish man in a concentration camp who pretends he’s Persian and teaches Farsi to the Nazi officer obsessed with moving to Persia (Iran) after the war. He has to make up the entire language since he’s not really Persian and duesn’t really speak Farsi.

3 August 2024

8:36 am. Awake after only 4 1/2 hours sleep. I had an awesome night last night. Everyone in the Club was joyous.

I had a lovely couple come to dance beside me. They said they come up from Sydney regularly as they love Ramjet so much!

The husband introduced himself as “Essy” He looked middle eastern. I did my usual thing. I said “Oh, so your real name is Ishmael? What are you doing drinking alcohol in nightclubs as a Muslim?”

He looked astonished. “How did you know that?” But he did not take offence. I replied laughingly “because I am Jew and you should be asking me the same question as to why I am drinking and dancing wildly on a Friday night every weekend? Sinners repent”.

We both laughed and high fived each other. I told him I am a Jewish witch. Somehow that gave him permission to be even more ebullient and vibrant! So we three, he and his partner and I all went completely OFF! He was a lovely man. Very wild and carefree and a gentleman. His partner, namer Asher gave me a drink. Very kind.

Later a couple of very sweet, very young men came to sit beside me. They introduced themselves. Next thing I know I had one tucked under each arm. I was telling them that they were in grave danger if they activated my ancient long smothered last hormone. They were young enough to be my grandsons that my daughters never gifted me. lol.

The two lads played along majestically. Both perfect gentlemen. Both named Tom. One said to me “You are a celebrity!” I said “Oh no Honey, I am just a little old lady who goes dancing every Friday night”. He replied “You are too humble”.

Astonishing! Me…a celebrity?! What are the young ones seeing in my energy meridians to even think that? I had another very beautiful young blonde woman dance with me. Her male friends called out for Zombie earlier in the evening. Their eyes twinkling with mischief.

I turned back to them and yelled “Too early in the night for that, my lovelies!” But later they called again, so when Ramjet played Zombie (my friend Scott was playing bass, substituting for Juddy!) We all went completely off! Scott had Juddy on FaceTime so we all got to tell him we loved him and blow him kisses!

There was great power in that moment in that song! Like a crackling in the field. I felt it with every fibre of my being. The gorgeous young blonde woman filmed the two of us dancing. (Awkward…as I always look like a crazed Berserker when I dance to that particular song as it’s my War Cry!) But I indulged her. She took to gently tapping me on my back when she wanted to dance with me (I was facing the band, as per usual!)

We danced to “Flowers” with great passion and intensity too. I told her that her male friends were boring (as they were not dancing but just kinda voyeuristicly watching the two of us). She agreed with me. When they left, she thanked me for dancing with her. I could see her reluctance to leave my energy.

I felt extremely Loved, Valued and Seen last night. The staff fussed over me too. It was gorgeous.

Especially as in the last moment before leaving the house, I had had a strange hesitancy about going out last night. Anxiety almost smothering my will to Thrive and Jive Turkey my hide. I even took a Valium as I simply cannot allow my nervous system to defeat me.

I also put out prayers for protection and gifted Papa Legba on my altar: a healthy tot of Jack Daniel’s. Covering all bases both physical and metaphysical. Lmao.

Some nights when I get that intense anxiety, it is either a warning to be on high alert to expect “trouble” or to expect the unexpected or a herald that I am about to undergo a life altering but wonderful event. So I almost always push myself through. Like a baby being birthed in transition. Puff puff…blow. 🙂

This morning my lungs feel kinda papery, like they are just layers of fucking sickly sweet baklava, puffed up by the cpap device but feathery. But I am glad I got to do my tribal shamanic mosh. My wild dance. Surrounded by so many gorgeous kind respectful people last night.

Amazing! Last night was life altering indeed. So much intensely spiritual and romantic albeit platonic love being flowed. So Magickal.

Let there be many many more wondrous nights like that. Power to the People xxx

Mmmm thinking about it, Mama T could do with some delicious baklava for breakfast. Time fighting/space banditting/oxygen thieving shamanic wild dancing requires a sweetness overload. Lmao.

…

3 August 2023

8:47 am I just saw this. Started crying again. A ripped Band-Aid.

…

2.06 pm I messaged Robyn and Peter and also my daughter Crystal.

“Just to let you know that Beauregard passed away on Tuesday afternoon.

I am a complete mess. The vets were awful and on top of it I had to bury him by torchlight as he died at 5:05 pm.

But as we drove from the vets there was a bright full moon on the eastern horizon and on the western horizon the most spectacular red orb of the sun as it was setting. So I thought that was very poignant and beautiful”.

Hugs

Mum”

Crystal responded via text that she is shocked but glad there was a spiritual gateway opening for him upon his death.

Robyn rang me back and we talked about the ghastly horror of it. She said both she and Peter were upset at his loss.

Ratih came to clean this morning and she was also distressed by his loss.

He was greatly loved. I miss him terribly. It’s a cold agony in my guts. But the grief will run its course in the ensuing days/weeks/months. As it naturally does, if done well.

“They took my dog and when they did that they took too much” but I still have Charley to love.

…

This evening Margot and her little girls visited. They showered me with love and some yummy treats. Also a delicious lasagne for dinner. Thanks so much Margot. It was such a lovely surprise.

…

Crystal rang this evening and we had a long lovely chat.

3 August 2022

11:16 pm Today marked my former (dead) progenitors’ wedding anniversary. 3 August 1962.

It seems fb is withholding large swathes of my memories as I feel sure I have written about the significance of this date in the past.

Time is erasing them, and the significant traumas they inflicted on me but now my written memories are slowly being obliterated.

And you know, my family of origin are not worth my hagiographic blowing life into the dead empty NPC and perverted husks they were/are.

Sometime in the future I too will leave this mortal coil and I know for sure my own descendants (times two) won’t carefully maintain any memories of me.

So my life history and stories are up in the ether (or the ones I managed to copy across to Vocal media) or my oral histories I have shared with my few remaining friends and the rest…is dust…floating on the wind.

There will be no hagiographic edifications or much breast beating when I die. They will only feel sweet release.

Sandwiched between two generations of narcopaths, the Tanya Child now wizened old hag with her whimsy and her love of/from the gods… will simply be forgotten…which I suppose, is the natural order of all existences in each time continuum.

To be born, to grow, to live long enough to leave a small piece of eternity behind us…then to pass on into the next dimension with (hopefully) zero regrets as we have lived so truly, wholesomely and courageously as to have let go of what was and to embrace what will be.

In the meantime…there is always the Now. So what now my loves…now that it’s over…and out?!

A new beginning and new story. Fermenting in the echoes of time. Slipping sideways, pirrhouetting…fucking Moshing. Freedom means letting go of all the contaminants, the pain, the carefully constructed and catalogued Ego, the very idea of life as it was presented to us in the eternal dreaming without all the screaming, streaming and scheming!

Shake rattle and roll babies. This is how I got here.

3 August 2021

4:41 am back to sleep I go. Bobo dragged me out of bed twice tonight so he could pee which was okay as I needed to also. It would be nice to sleep through the night without nocturnal ablutions and interruptions to my dreaming.

Gahh. Mama T will return to the Astral shortly. Work to do in the other dimensions.

…

Searing pain from beneath my stomach area to upper bowel. It’s coming in waves like mild labour pain. I guess it’s because I ate an entire pot of semolina with pineapple chunks then later on air fried chips (3 potatoes!)

I was hungry and I was trying to stave off an urge to run out into the night to the IGA to buy chocolate, chippies and other “goodies”. The craving to run amok was so intense that I devoured the last of my boiled lollies.

I felt seriously mentally unwell today (mood disordered, anxious, kinda activated) but now the stomach area is fighting me as well.

I am lying in bed, breathing through the pain as it’s ridiculous! These chronic gut issues when even I know I should not have gone through with that colonoscopy. I knew it would set me back. But they pressured me with the threat of bowel cancer so frankly I don’t know which is worse…dying of cancer or not ever fully living either.

Rolls eyes! I contemplated taking myself back to the hospital but I have zero trust in them. It’s probably safer to just lie here and breathe through the pain.

I didn’t do any heavy lifting or hard work today. I sorted beads into glass jars. That was all. I listened to podcasts about mythology. I didn’t even take Bobo for a walk as the weather felt bleak.

Tomorrow I need to go out to buy groceries. I could not face it today. Hopefully I feel better soon.

…

3 August 2020

“Look deeply within each person you encounter, no matter how brilliant or dull, refined or crude, righteous or wicked you judge this person to be.

Beyond their clothes, beyond their skin, beyond their behavior, beyond their words.

Beyond the emotions they show, the personality in which they dress, past whatever masks they don to conceal their inner woes.

Look deeply and see the vicious war each one fights inside, the battle to remain human in a maddening world—a world you will never know, for no two of us are placed in the same world and no two of us confront the same challenges—

—the sickness at knowing one’s own failures and deficiencies, the yearning to be more, the disappointment at not being that, the struggle to fight every sorrow, every pain, every plummeting, disastrous trauma of life…

True, perhaps not everyone fights every battle. Some have long surrendered.

But the very fact that this person was assigned this battle tells us more than can be spoken, for the One who created him knows he has the power to prevail and win.

That alone is enough to admire, and to be humbled, asking yourself, “Do I fight a battle nearly as fierce as the one I expect this person to win? In what way am I any better?”

Rabbi Tzvi Freeman”

…

I just realised today is my narcopathic idiosyncratic stereophonic screeching progenitors’ former wedding anniversary. Yuck! No wonder I feel frazzled.

I can feel them clawing at me from beyond the veil. (It also explains last year’s haunting on this date!). When will those ghastly ghostly Motherfuckers leave me alone? The Dybbukim are on the roof but I will mentally paint the roof with gasoline so they can either set themselves on fire or slide off.

Only fiddlers allowed on my roof. Preferably one’s who can actually play. I have a violin here that needs restringing. So Fiddly Pisher Spirit could play the Devil going down to Georgia and The Tanya superceding her former Hell.

Rise and Shine Bitches!

…

Jaysus... instead of being down my own rabbit hole...now I am Immersed in other people’s. The only way out of the looking glass is THROUGH. Fuck!

3 August 2019

11:11 am another moment in the fabric of eternity. Glitching and stitching and microcosmically snitching. A seven year itch or a menopausal bitch? But shhh... be angels/dragons there. Word to the wise...don’t scratch and sniff.

…

Yesterday (2nd August 2019) was a very beautiful and spiritually powerful day. I spent the day, knitting another faerie, having just completed one that had taken months as she got put aside. I sat in the sunshine in my Sacred Space garden.

I gifted limes to my neighbour Timsa who I spotted also sitting alone in his garden, meditating and looking somewhat lonely. So the limes were delivered over our mutual fence line and we had a rather spiritual chat about allowing people to be who they are, even if they have hurt us deeply and letting them go on their way without letting them diminish the goodness that we already embody.

He said he’s been reading about prisoners on Death Row and how some of them had been remarkably good people until they finally snapped after decades of rejection and injustice. I agreed.

I said “Yes ultimately what makes me snap and go somewhat berserk is injustice and maltreatment. It’s happened a few times and is utterly terrifying to those asleep at the wheel or ones who thought they could continuously abuse and debase me and get away with it!”

Anyway I felt better for my kind gesture of the friendly chat as I know how our neighbourhood judges us with their elitist smug satisfaction for our unique strangeness and our broken lives. As if the very same thing could not also happen to them as Life is the greatest Teacher and Equaliser and Karma is a smoking hot angry Bitch and she often gets you unawares. Lmao.

Later in the afternoon I took my Beauregard for a walk. He thoroughly enjoyed himself.

Then I readied myself for Ecstatic Dance. The traffic was interminably excoriatingly slow. 45 minutes to get to West End that should only take 15-20 minutes. Sitting at the lights, on the lane that leads to the freeway on-ramp at Marshall Road a vehicle to the left of me kept honking his horn.

I ignored it at first (listening to my radio and in a bit of trance). Finally I look and it’s some dude gesticulating at me. What the fuck??? I thought...oh perhaps my lights are not on or my car is on fire? No smoke though.

So I sorta panic but roll my window down “What’s your problem?” He says he’s in the wrong lane so can he move in front of me when the lights change?

I reply, slightly annoyed by the male entitlitis but bemused “You are a bit cheeky, Mate but yeah no worries”. Roll my window back up.

The lights go green, I give him the “look” to go ahead, he looks right back at me and speeds like a demon from hell in front of me and blows dust into my feminine mystique and banshee fury and enters the freeway way before me.

Like its not a race track but I think he thought I was being condescending when I let him take his tooting horn and shove it up his arse and go in front, because we all get into wrong lanes. In fact I have been careening down highways to and from hell most of my life but I am a decent person and just sometimes I let people in. So anyway no one was going anywhere fast if they were traversing the city last night.

I made it in time to Ecstatic Dance and we had a beautiful ceremony and dance. We built an energy that was pure and positive and nurturing.

A younger woman was suffering a terrible grief and cried a lot and for contact improv we were drawn together as our pain and shadow were the same. No fucking accidents in the universe.

She broke into tears as I held my energy strongly matched against hers and I muttered to her “You are okay. You are safe”. Sweet young woman wanting so much to overcome her avoidance and fear of intimacy and love.

How can I tell her it sometimes takes a lifetime after deep trauma and at other times magic just happens and our deepest fears just fall away but then we are still dealing with other mere mortals who either do not value our Light or try to debase it ergo long long decades of despair.

So I said a little prayer for a kindred soul and hope like hell she meets herself and finds the love she fears to share with others. That no one breaks her down and destroys her when she finally blossoms and unfurls all that magnificence she never fully embodied. I worried for her, then I let go.

I danced and cavorted and played and showed by all our fine examples of what is possible. Let grief serve its purpose then discard it like an old worn cloak.

It will come back but we shake it off like a dog turd, warm and stinky and somehow comforting in its earthy realness. Our grief and fear are only aspects of all we are as humans, as spirits.

After Ecstatic Dance I went to the casino for a while. Richie was there and was delighted to see me. I told him I could not stay long as I have already been out to Ecstatic Dance and I worry about my dog needing to pee as I lock him in the house.

Alter Egos were playing which is my favourite band and I went off again. On a fourth wind! Richie said “You don’t want to go home. You love this band!” I said “I know, but I must. My doggy needs me”. But I had a fabulous time and felt loved and supported and nurtured all night.

A beautiful day and a magical night. Thank the gods!

…

From Ecstatic states to exhaustion… I had a long nap. 3 hours. Which was good as I was so overly exerted that I only slept 6 hours last night. The crash came quickly. But all good.

My body with its sleep apnoea and still in post op recovery needs its rest. It governs me now. The spirit is willing but the flesh is still a bit weak. But by the gods I needed that burst of happiness and body frenzy yesterday. I had missed dancing wildly and spontaneously and moving all that stagnant energy of soul and heart and mind through my body.

My drain site started to feel “heavy”. Not painful but definitely laboured so I had to rest for a while on the couch and played with Milou, the lovely dog friend of Monica and Adrian. But I quickly resurged again and got in more dancing.

It is interesting observing my energy flow states and letting my body inform me on how far it will let me push myself. Mustang Kwe is definitely intrepid and has great stamina. But my wild wolf spirit languorously reminds me that I am still healing and I need to stretch out my energy like a long rubber band and slowly follow it or it will ping me right back in da face!

My spirit wants to throw an epic tantrum. After all she was cast back down to earth after that long red last breath....which seemed to stretch out into eternity and she was almost there. But no! Back we are, living the psychedelic dream in Holland Park surrounded by love and wisdom and a few jolly good sensate beings: visible and unseen.

Oh and in spite of being cheated out of my potential Nirvana I am happily co-creating my own personal Nirvana on this Earth.

I just sat outside on the ground and instead of epic dizzy spells that I experienced before the surgery (almost like the earth and I were out of alignment) I felt supported and nurtured.

Who could have thought that one diseased organ could throw one out of sync with Gaia who knows how to heal herself? But I no longer feel ejected like a malfunctioned cassette tape from the internal workings of a music machine.

Just a bit rejected by a few of my former Beloveds but oh well, even that hurts less than in previous decades.

I am rebirthing a new Tanya. If I had enough money I would have gone travelling around the world to commune in every sacred site. As my remnant blood family had dissolved in their own narcissism I have none left to keep me here. (Except for Jarrod and Lyn and other dear friends). Brisssss Bane. Gevalt.

But who can know where my happy safe space on earth might be? It might be like Shangri-La...ephemeral and illusory perhaps even allegorical. Like my love life! Hahaha!

So I must embody Shangri-La or a safe happy peaceful Brisbane inside my heart and mind (god knows I have been working at that for 31 years!) I must communicate with my inner man. The only One who dictates what kind of partner is safe for me and usually rejects almost everyone except the one who is the most reluctant and often abusive.

Well my early training in manhood was utterly distorted by the kinds of men that were destructive, violent and sexually abusive. So no great surprises that I never yet managed to choose better or different.

So I have been forced, through no fault of my own, to choose my Self and love me in all the ways that I was never loved or even received or respected before.

A great and powerful Love that sees through my own eyes and hears through my own ears but knows with finely-tuned keenly-won goddess warrior senses. A blessing but also a curse.

But in the long stretchy timeline in this space even curses can become blessings. The things and people that shoved me down or pushed me away lose their power or even hold on your heart when you realise how little human time is left and that the work is needing completion.

But you came too late to the party of consciousness so all you can do is pray and play and hope one day that everything that was you was somehow a guidance or an inspiration to those still barely breathing and barely waking up. In the naked sanctified light of our awareness we fear immolation but that is nothing to fear.

The fear for me is to have walked this earth without ever effecting positive change, or being Seen and Heard... of being of no more consequence than the dust between my toes...the dust of ancestors recombined and reconfigured...still walking this earth in my hair, on my skin, under my finger nails and being expelled on every breath.

EVERYTHING IS CONNECTED. Everyone matters. Especially the eternally infernally heartbroken ones who were made to feel devalued as we never quite Made it.

Well Fuck dat Shit!

…

Spiritual activity chez moi. A container of screws and washers just mysteriously crashed into the laundry tub. Fell by itself. No reason for it to fall off the shelf. The dog and I got a bit of a fright. But I just put everything back.

On Thursday the linen cupboard doors slammed shut just as I was walking past. Again the dog reacted. Those doors hardly ever close properly so I must admit it had me a bit confused.

So undeadable stalkers are visiting again but it’s all right. I ain’t afraid of no ghost. It’s the living that terrorise me. Lmao.

I do wonder what they are hanging around for? I mean. What is their message? Hmmm.

…

…

11:11 pm hmmm lots of synchronicities but I stayed home tonight. Too tired to leap about another night. Bobo was grateful to have me beside him, snuggling next the heater.

3 August 2018

Today in 1962 was my parent’s marriage. To each other. In a registry office. My mother bought her own ring and had it engraved. Sweet. For a day. Then hell to pay. Inculcated narcopathic hellian hells.

Along came The Tanya (my half sister informed me they were very happy until they fell pregnant with me). I bet that is true and not just her own vicious viscous sibling rivalry.

Along came Tanya and life as we knew it. Along came someone they were unable to kill but they kept trying anyway. (I say this with some bemusement!)

The killing of my child’s innocence and my adult woman’s life force and reputation, honour and soul took 47 years. They would be “killing” me still but for the grave of natural attrition. Hahaha. Mother Fuckers!

Anyway, in spite of their derelictions of duty of care for the vulnerable in their household I have supersumed my own expectations by outliving almost all of them. My one blessing: they had me late in Life.

So I got to thinking about the fucks that were given and the grand passions that were made. The empty promises and the penile devotions of my father.

I enter August with my usual consternation and august trepidation, for having been conceived in this month.

I have become aware of a life pattern of beginning love affairs at this time of year also. Especially around the 28th August. Blame it on spring, or cosmic conscious paradigmical alliances in alignments. Blame it on hormones or a sad woman’s faith in Love for love’s own sake.

So I will be more avoidant than usual and more resplendent in the power of my personal womanhood because as much as I yearn for a love that is true and kind and nurturing and loyal... I know I need an equal in all things. I have to be patient and guard my heart and my loins.

Lovers come and go. But real love. Real love stays, and plays and sanctifies and edifies the goddess within. It blossoms exponentially leaving peace and beauty and happiness in its wake.

Ahh but I am only the psychedelic dreamer, the banshee-wailing screamer, the love-maker and the end-stage by-product of their broken-hearted schemes.

Shake it off, slap her down, spit her out. “Get that for me Deirdre” back to work, grasping endlessly for more and more...insatiable greed ultimately signifying Nothing.

She is rich in spirit and a fools’ gold. Diamonds on the souls of her feet, ochre where her blood drained free, pearls before swine, experiencing the Divine.

Love me or hate me. It’s all illusion, Baby!

…

3 August 2017

I bathed that stinky mutt! He now looks gloriously clean and pleasant The Beauregard. He did not at all appreciate the bathies but vaguely tolerated his brushing out. Mainly as he had a bone to gnaw on while I brushed him.

…

Before Charley laid her first egg in Dec 2020 so I realised the She was female!

…

I watched Preacher episode 7. Love that show! Now have been watching The White Queen while making costume jewellery (remaking broken necklaces etc). Something to keep me busy and take my mind off other stuff.

…

3 August 2016

I woke up at 6 am. Cats scuffling. Lungs muffling. Bladder insisting. I got up. Made a cup of tea. Let Socks in, threw Sophie out and Penny out. Crazy cat woman existential angst.

I came back to bed. Utterly exhausted. Feeling old and fragile. Listening to loud crunching and gnawing of oral-fixated terrierist under my bed. Also to the dawn chorus of the descendants of dinosaurs soaring into the vivid skies. Life. Be in it.

(Fuckdatshit...). Going back to sleep for a while.

…

…

I soaked our harvested macadamias with Jarrod on Monday. Just now roasted them (almost burnt them too). But omg! Delicious! Organic! Fresh from my tree.

I dreamt of owning a macadamia nut tree plantation when I came here. Every house I moved into I planted one. Or bought for friends with enough acreage.

This tree was gifted me from the Fae or Mother Nature, from the wind, the birds. It started growing right in front of my letterbox. Now it is very tall and yields its precious cargo to the Guardian of Sacred Space. What is meant to be yours, always comes to you. Be patient. Keep the faith. And Dream.

…

I bought a vice, so have cracked the remaining cup of nuts. Soaking them now. I also bought a hose for the front garden as my other one calcified. So my annoying odd jobs are sorted now.

…

My iPhone camera is still wet inside. Which is ironic as I keep taking photos and everything is in soft focus.

…

…

…

I have a debrief with my Dr at 3.30 pm. I am so tired I could pluck out my own eyeballs. But that won't help me. So making copious cups of tea and you know, the usual constant in life: breathing. My asthma is much better but the rest of my body is rebelling after months of dragging a barely oxygenated corpus around.

So I need more rest. At least until the dancing on the weekend when the zombie creature undeadable puts on her red shoes and tries to dance herself into oblivion. (Or at least oblique oblivious obsolescence!)

3 August 2015

..

Update 3 August 2023: Hmmm 19 days later I tried to kill myself.. even that was denied me. Then in early December 2015, Beauregard came into my life. And now (2 days ago) he is gone. I am struggling to find a reason to stay on Planet Zombie. But his love will carry me further I am sure. I am comforted by the videos and photos I took of him. My dear sweet boy!

I have had no contact with my daughter. I haven’t even told her that Bobo has died. She was not very fond of him. I knew she was busy bumping out her show on Monday 31 July and then Bobo died the next day. So here I sit, in grief, alone, with only Charley bird to love me. It is what it is. A long slow declension.

Grateful to my friends who have comforted me in this harrowing time.

3 August 2014

Today, 3rd August, was my former mother and father's wedding anniversary. I noticed this at exactly 1.11am lol. Auspicious only, as they were my progenitors but the marriage was a screaming hell-hole.

My half-sister had the temerity to inform me that they were happily married until they got pregnant with me (trying to infer that I was the family curse and the unravelling of all their happiness). I wonder if that was actually true?

The four of them, my paedophile godfather included, were certainly the cause of my PTSD and life-long struggle to find joy and safety in life. In the end they all had to either Die or Abandon me completely for me to be Free, Safe and Joyous. Oh the irony.

I am happy now as I have survived those 4 bastards and one day, I will be a Thriver as well!

Life goes on and will continue to blossom after the aftermath of destruction that was my former life.

I expect my life to be Awesome and even more awesome. I will accept no less. :-)

…

Just watched the movie "Precious". Wow! A testament to survival of young female abuse victims everywhere!

She was lucky to finally get the support she needed from good kind people.

May all who suffer be blessed with good kind non-judgemental people, so they can finish off their lives in dignity and truth but most of all, with Love. Lots of love.

…

I had a great day/night with my friend Jarrod. I drank almost all his tea and ate most of his Pfeffernuesse lol. We watched Foxtel, story about Kurt Cobain and Courtney Love. Read our tarot cards. A lovely heimishe time!

…

3 August 2013

3 August 2011

…

…

I finished off my compost bin, now just need to buy paint and paint it. I moved the finished pallet garden next to it so there is more order now in the backyard. Now I need to plant out the seedlings. It was a lovely day today but very windy.

Copyright Tanya Désirée Arons