Memories: 1 August 2025

1 August 2025

7:49 am awake. I attached the night’s sleep results but this was from about 2 am. I saw the result when I got up to pee and decided that cpap was not working for me when I am so sick so I took the mask off and battled sleep without it. I got to sleep a bit better without it. Hopefully this is a temporary setback with cpap.

It’s cold. 11 degrees Celsius. My lungs feel bloated. Day 5 of this illness. But…what can I say! Another day in Paradise although Santa Muerte is twirling out her long gnarly finger to me, inviting me for one of our many dances. Ayyy Senora…Si…Siii you will call me down in the end. I understand. I know how this goes.

It’s just a cold. I’ve got this! (she smiles and her eyes glitter!) “You’re not alone Mi Amore. I am always with you”. My longest most stubborn friend. She reminds me to breathe life…sanctify it…soak in it, relish it.

Each day is a gift and her gift will be the final reveal like a parcel at a child’s birthday party after layers have been shredded…her gift will be the most precious gift of all. An uprising into the Upper world.

But no fear, we’ve got you Tanya-Le, you with your shitty lungs and your uber sensitivities and predilections to go where even angels fear to tread, to ride shotgun with the gods on her quest for her true love and her mission to live out this life with dignity and joy and in peace.

(It’s all bollocks innit…but somehow that story I keep telling myself, forcing myself to live through, that shattered motheaten carrion sucked blanket I cloak myself in is so delusional and so illusionary that even I soaked in death’s breath …can only laugh and sigh.

Ayyy curumba mes amores. The Tanya is like any other mortal, a work in progress. Time will tell how her love story ends…or begins. Hopefully with a kiss of life-affirming blessedness for a change.

Meanwhile. I got breathing to do!

Good morning.

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Reading all my memories of the past few days I feel like I am still trapped in a hell loop not of my own making. I need to shed the shit and stand cleansed, purified and revivified for my next phase of existence. Can I do it? It is obvious I haven’t managed to get a fresh start or a real love in 60 years. This is all I’ve got.

But I must remind myself of my power, my creativity, my determination to thrive that has been a solid freamework underlying all the unravelling during these darkening times.

So although right now I feel sick and fragile I know life may yet surprise me. I just need to hold on for what and who really matters. Love is the law! There is still goodness out in the world and real love is still available to me. Somewhere…somehow!

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5:08 pm I have had a lovely late afternoon with my Birdie boys. I have been trying to convince Beau to eat fruit and vegetables again. So I put a sprig of rosemary on top of his fruit and vegetables bowl. He looooved the rosemary but still wouldn’t partake of the other goodies. But he had so much fun shredding the rosemary I don’t even mind.

Then as the day started to submerge towards the night, I got the idea of playing soothing music for birds to them. Kermie got straight up on his swing where he sleeps, lifted one leg and swung himself contentedly.

But little Beau, that feisty bloody berserker little cocktail bastard that is starting to remind me of myself as he is so defiant, put his crest up and ran up and down like a psychotic birdy mosh as if to say “What? Dat Crazy Mama T wants me to relax? Outrageous!”

I just sat very quietly and observed and smiled encouragingly. He kept staring at me in defiance. I would just nod back. Eventually he started closing his little tired obstreperous eyes. So I left them to sleep for the evening and night.

Kermie is such a good boy. Such a good eater and so easy going but little Beau bounces off my psychic energy like a cat on a hot tin roof. I need to act very calm and in charge around him or he tries to dominate me. A small cockatiel weighing his weight with De Mama T! That shit won’t fly. He will relearn to eat his damn vegetables again, and be a happier birdy again.

He still won’t use his new swing. I have no idea why. Very much his own bird man, I guess. But I watched him staring at Kermie happily swinging on his swing so eventually he might get it!

When The Beau flies across to his cage he now taps me on my top of my head with his feet like the wild King Parrot once did to me. A mark of respect or acknowledgement in their world? Maybe! ….lol

I was too weak today to clean their cages which usually happens on fridays. I will hopefully feel stronger tomorrow.

I managed to get them outside today but only for about half an hour then it started showering so I brought them both back inside. Kermie was disappointed. I am looking forward to warmer sunnier weather so they can spend more time outside. It feels too cramped in their room.

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Shabbat Shalom. I am too sick to go dancing tonight so will be a real Jew for a change and resting. 🙂 The Lord moves in mysterious ways!

1 August 2024

Today marks the one year anniversary since Beauregard Arons’s death. I’m still not over the grief and abject horror of that day.

It also marks 36 years since my migration to this city. An entire lifetime trapped in Brisss Bane by ignominy, treachery, poverty, cumulative trauma. Such a beautiful hellscape. Who knew?!

But I have nowhere to go for a better safer saner existence. Grateful for my life which is evening out now. After decades of therapy and with the staunch devoted determined support of my psychiatrist and truly loving friends.

It’s truly a miraculous and wondrous gift. This survival to Thrival. The gods of winter stole my dog out from under me and life will never be the same again but his spirit visits often. Charley repeating his name frequently in recent weeks. (Which was a tad astonishing as I didn’t even know she had learned his name!)

Why is he here? Knowing Bobo as I do, to grant me extra courage, fortitude and peace to navigate the next 6-12 months while I accomodate a new normal: having air forced into my airways so I can (potentially) function better. Live better. Wilder, freer and more indomitable than ever before.

Even though the aesthetics of it really will fuck my love life. So what?! I am alone. Have always been alone. No man with enough cojones to take me on anyway.

I’m not an ordinary woman or any ordinary soul so the price I have to pay for that extraordinariness, fierce warrior goddess contrariness, refusal to be controlled/contained/constrained/convoluted by societal devolution like a fucking Berserker train wreck. Is IMMENSE.

It’s cost me dear. Too much. Mama T feels quite brittle like a carefully constructed glass mosaic on the edge of a crackling fault line, waiting for the earth to open up and fragment me yet again.

But She knowsssss her own power now. To rebuild, reconstruct and restore her own kinstuguied heart and just keep dancing, flowing with the energy of Life and letting old paradigms dissolve back into the sands of time and call up new life forces, new loves: stronger, better, more noble, more honouring of all that She is and ever shall be.

They tried to kill me. Many many times. Now I must get up, dress up, show up and dance wildly and triumphantly, only to return to mundaneity and recalibrate my weary old arse for another week.

It’s what I do. Fly in the face of abject horror and ghastly Trickster buffoonery and epic knavery and governMENTAL draconian malfeasant perverted anti-humanist primEVIL gross globalist insanity.

Find your vibe, find your tribe. Support each other as much as is still humanly possible. No time for cowardice or obfuscation.

Too many have been broken or murdered now. So let there be music and art and the Dance. And most precious and cherished of all: Love. Deep soul nourishing Love across all paradigms/dimensions and in all vectors of our society. Matter of fact I could do with an authentic devoted lover right now. 😉

But the gods gifted me only death and destruction and that is why I am the way I am today. Powerful but fragile. Fierce but brittle. Joyous but circumspect. Depressed but never oppressed as that shit just won’t fly: not on my Watch, Babies.

Not so depressed anymore as after decades of that, I even learned how to climb out of the Abyss. The abyss was not even all mine but an illusion cast upon me by monsters in human forms. Devils in disguise. Demons of putrescence I had to shuck off like a filthy cloak of dishonour and disarray.

So wake up, shine bright like the Diamonds in the glittering flowing effulgent light of G-d/Creator that I know we ALL are. We’ve got this!

Hold my Jack Daniel’s. We are weaving a new tapestry that holds each of us in a soul contract of Magick, delight, memory and bliss and so much love that it takes the breath away and we all know how breathless The Tanya is.

Suck that into my corpus to reignite cell membranes that forgot what the breathing of Life or even the orgasms felt like lmao. Revivified Zombie Queens are inspiring, gorgeous, light beings of Wonder and Awe. If only to our own selves.

Up and at ‘em, my brave Beloved Ones. Another day in “Paradise”. Make Mama T proud. I love you (and me!)

…

11:11 am today is a powerful potent day! I feel quite wonderful even though I am dizzy from cpap. The sun is shining and I am grounding with my toches on sacred earth. Charley is snuggling up to me. Life is beautiful.

1 August 2023

35 years of living in Brisbane today. A lifetime. Yesterday my dear friend Lyn Sloane reminded me she has been my friend for over half my life time. I am so grateful for her friendship. For my friend Jarrod also. For all of my friends, including many I have never met in person but I know from Facebook or the old Paltalk days.

It’s 7:23 am and I have barely slept with anxiety and copious peeing but…I am taking Beauregard for his ultrasound at 8 am and praying to all the gods in all dimension and manifestations of Love, Healing, Peace that my boy is fine and the Angel of Death is averted.

A childlike state, hoping in a dream that is too often nightmarish, sadistic, ghoulish. But hope is all I have left.

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So stressed. I took the wrong exit…got lost. Thank god for gps! I got here only 5 minutes late.

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Lol after all that stress we are still waiting at 8:22 am. Psy sighs!

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He’s been taken in. I had to sign a legal document that I will incur charges. Then had to leave him and they said to pick him up around 2 pm. My heart is in my mouth. Omg. But hopefully all is well.

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I finally had a call (after complaining to their head office!) Beauregard has two large tumours so will need euthanisation. Oddly they wanted to delay it yet another three days.

I said “Why do that? You already left him to suffer the past three days without proper treatment and now he is already terminal. Why make him suffer another three days? Something does not make sense here?”

But I have arranged to go at 5 pm. The vet says they are too busy to do it earlier. So now I have to fight through peak hour traffic in deep distress to retrieve my dead dog. A fucking nightmare.

Plus incurred a debt of $1000.

Plus they wanted another $169 for the euthanasia. Which I don’t have. So they agreed to do it anyway.

I am horrified. No more pets as I can’t cope with this level of sadism when they get ill or die.

She asked me “Can you afford the $600 for the ultrasound?” I replied “I can’t really but I had already agreed to pay it, so I will!”

I think I might drive down now, and wait at IKEA as it will be insane, driving at that time. I am already fragile.

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..

7:30pm:

11:44 pm:

8:30 am 2 August 2023:

1 August 2022

Busy morning. My silver spoons arrived so I am tumbling them to clean them. Then to decide if I am making earrings or rings out of them. I pulled down some silver necklaces from around my four poster bed as they are badly tarnished also.

It’s a cold bleak day. It rained earlier. So today is a good day to play with my spoons.

They are a lovely pattern by Levi and Salaman, with a green man design on them. Well I decided it was the green man because I am mystical like that lmao.

I am in a strange sort of mood. Like sitting on a fence not knowing which side to jump off. Anticipatory. A tad bored of my own environment. Like a fish in a fishbowl craving the vast expansive ocean.

Hmmmm. Swim little fish ….don’t let the confines of time and space dampen your mood. In a millisecond of thought, you can be anywhere!

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Today marks the 34th anniversary of migrating to Brisbane. Oy!

1 August 2021

Today marks the 33rd anniversary of arriving to live permanently in Brisbane Australia. 33 years stuck in this hellhole dressed up as “Pardies”. Where else could I have lived where I might have been treated better? Armageddon? Blech!

I woke up with an urge to pee and my usual reflux at exactly 1:11am. Thanks Angels…for pinning my ear to mortal ground in this godforsaken place.

But yesterday was a good day. A hug and a kiss from my 91 yo friend Ailsa and kinship with her Daughter in law Robyn. I sailed my moods yesterday with great forbearance and aplomb. Feeling rather weak and vulnerable but also very much loved.

So now I must put myself back to suspended animation and surf the astral for a few more hours. Important work to be done in the ether!

Psychedelic dreaming and time fighting/space banditing and spiritual preparation for each new day that is gifted me in this time capsule of a decadent corpulent vessel of flesh and sinew and carefully recalibrated heart.

Goodnight. See you on the flip side (Phillips!) side lmao.

1 August 2020

2:21am. Not sleeping even though I am physically exhausted.

Time to knock myself on the head. (fake sleep until I make it to the Astral!)

Laila Tov! Good night!

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Yesterday I had my fortnightly debrief. I told my psychiatrist about the horrible way I had been devalued by former friends last week. I said they treated me like Trash. I said I know I swear like a sailor but I am not Trash. Have never been Trash.

My doctor told me “No you are not Trash, Tanya. You are a wonderful person who gives so much of yourself and although traumatised you are deeply emotionally evolved!”

I said “Do you really think so? I mean I just feel so distraught at all the false smiling Assassins I encounter and the horror that I am still attracting Narcissisitic Sadists into my energy. It’s all just reminders of my trauma with my own mother and her henchmen.”

He said he understood why that is so painful and triggering and he said he meant it. He would not say it otherwise. I felt comforted and Seen. Grateful.

I have lived through so many nightmarish horror stories that even the current societal paradigm of Covid 19 barely affects me. I get angry at all the people spreading Covid with the rampant fucking, but I also comprehend that humans in fear of their complete annihilation, just have more sex. The biological imperative. To act out breeding in the face of Death.

So I roll my eyes and try to forgive the security guards and their diseased little quarantined girlfriends. But the latest stunt in Logan. Just vile beyond belief.

Anyway, so far I have remained in my version of healthy (which is always sub par!) the sun is shining. I have been out kissing Charlie Bird who rather enjoyed his morning cuddles.

Life (even as a traumatised, celibate, constantly evolving Warrior Goddess) is Good.

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1 August 2019

Today marks the 31st anniversary of my migrating to Brisbane. Although I lived in Melbourne for 3 years as a child. In total 34 years in Australia.

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10:20 am. Had intense dreams this morning. Something about gatecrashing a suburban wedding in someone’s townhouse which was awkward as I did not know anybody and my accomplice had to go in the car with some of the men who he also did not know. So I was making small talk (pretending to know people) and simultaneously worrying that my accomplice is not found out as an uninvited guest.

I was standing in their small kitchen. I even did a few dishes out of boredom. (Also an attempt to avoid the guests). The bride and groom were in their 40s and both thought I belonged to opposite friend/family circle.

It was very anxiety provoking and weird. I had announced earlier in the Dream that I wanted to buy a box of chocolates and felt very self-conscious that I did not even have a gift.

I spent some time nibbling on hors d’oevres and planning a dignified escape. That part was typical of me...how I usually feel at parties where I know very few people...planning a dignified escape or talking to their cat or dog. Animals never make me feel inadequate or a loser. Lmao! In fact they are very good conversationalists.

Anyway odd way to start my day (I think the male accomplice was Dave). Although why we were breaking in to someone’s wedding I have no idea. In real Life we never got our relationship off the ground.

As my psych observed yesterday, he had me in a long holding pattern. Well I am ready to let that shitty existence gooo. Maybe the wedding is a symbol of celebration but I will always look at love relationships through others’ experiences as True Love has long been denied me.

I will not be gate crashing any weddings in real life though. 😉. I think I will keep myself busy with creative pursuits of my own.

1 August 2018

Today I celebrate 30 years of living in Brisbane after migrating here in 1988.

I lived in Melbourne for 3 years during my childhood. 33 years in Australia.

Time has just melted like a watch in a Salvatore Dali painting. So much horror and abuse I experienced here.

Only truly free for the past 6 years. Baby steps on my journey to Wholeness, living an authentic life with bright beautiful kind good people in my life. You know who you are, my gorgeous ones 🙂.

May the gods bless you and keep you, the rare diamonds on my turgid tormented Walk that upheld me along the Way. I would not be alive without you!

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Utterly exhausted lately. I realised just now that I have been comfort feeding myself since the last tooth extraction. Also craving more meat (which I don’t usually eat a lot of). So my body is determined to heal and so She Will. Stubborn wench that cleaves to life even in spite of obvious absurdist reality checks. You go, Tanya! When in doubt...just keep going.

I have had a lovely few days, chatting to my friend Nigel in Paraparaumu, and spending time on Monday with Julie and later with Jarrod and Crystal. I was so tired on Monday I went to bed early and let Crystal take my car to drive home so she brought it back last night, then I drove her home.

I told her if my health keeps deteriorating (the epic fatigue etc and if my driving gets worse I will give her the car and she can drive De Mama around the city instead!) I suspect that time is imminent.

In the meantime I am enjoying precious moments with my amazing friends and daughter and looking forward to new adventures and horizons, in whatever ways they might manifest.

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Just had a debrief with my wise psychiatrist. He says I am fine mentally but need to access my gp for some antibiotics to help heal the mouth and maybe alleviate any infection that is causing the extreme fatigue.

I think he is right. I also need to find a new gp who doesn’t treat me like a malingerer. Grrr!

I mentioned to my psychiatrist that I have observed that many people are quite afraid of me. He said “Of course they are! You are very powerful, even in your own innate vulnerability.” He mentioned that most medications have no affect on me because of the way my brain is hardwired from early trauma.

So I am very much a “goddess” in my own mind. Survival became my “superpower” and if that is scary to abusers then I am okay with that!

I told him how I am voraciously feeding like a Berserker Shield maiden as I have felt so weak and fatigued. Also my decision to reclaim my “power” recently. He was rather impressed.

Maybe I should get antibiotics though. I will see how I feel about it tomorrow. I abhor most doctors.

1 August 2017

Awake and aware! Gorgeous morning! Getting my hair done today. I had a brief anxiety attack last night that I might sleep in too late but was too tired to roll over and set the alarm on my iPhone. (Even to press the home button and ask Siri to do it!)

So I lay there fretting for several moments until I told myself "Fuck it, what will be, will be!" Fell asleep. Awoke again at 1 am. No worries, The Tanya will be turbo-boosted into wakefulness whether she likes it or not. And so it was...9 am. Not too shabby!

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Today is the 29th anniversary of my family migrating to Brisbane. Amazing how time flies. So much has changed since I arrived as a 23 year old with a husband and a 3 year old and a 14 month old.

My kids are grown women and I am older and wiser, more beautiful, more fierce and more fragile than ever. Like a Kintsugi bowl held together by spiritual gold and a love that is eternal.

Grateful and happy, surrounded by true loving friends. Everything in its place. Blessed Be!

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Fuck it. Home and transponder still not working. So probably means I need a new battery. Will have to go without the car until I can access a new battery. Argggghhhh!

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Tried to call Mazda to find out if the car battery dying (not sure if this is the case) would cause the transponders (both now with new batteries to not work). Call dropped out. Under new management. Receptionist obtuse. I just need the info to know if it is the car battery or not. Frustrating.

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I went to fiddle with car. No lights. No response to key transponder. Nothing. Opened bonnet. Found battery. Big motherfucker. Big dead motherfucker. Will have to get a new one. Priced online. Around $200. I don't have that much money so basically am now without a car until next advance in November.

Thinking about getting rid of it altogether. Stressful expensive and now useless. Very upsetting but no other options.

Hah! While writing this Mazda finally called me back. A new battery over their parts counter is $188. So I know what I am up for I guess.

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A miracle. One of my beautiful kind friends has sent me the money to buy another battery.

Thank you!! I am so grateful!

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On campus at VUW in 1983 when I was 17, I was threatened with rape by an ultra-orthodox Jewish male on the secluded walk down the hill to the city to catch a bus home. I psyched him out (sassy little shiksa, converting to judaism) by asking him how his very stern, very Frum Rabbi would feel about it when I told him his young congregant liked raping Shiksas. He ran away. Hah!

On other occasions, filthy descriptions of me were written on toilet walls (I was elected Secretary of the Student Union). I was well hated for my femaleness, my naïve youth and what? Who knows, perhaps my audacity?

Betrayed by a few friends at the time as I had befriended the daughter of the Israeli ambassador to NZ and for some reason he liked me. (Never laid a hand on me but his face used to light up when I entered the room). Even at that age I probably reeked of sexual victimhood. Something I fought to shuck (fuck??) off all my life! I am Woman! Hear me roar.

Anyway, I left university without completing a degree to save my dignity! Failing in some courses, and the foul scribblings on the bogs (I was technically still a Virgin and had not yet had a bf -so those foul epithets cut me deeply).

I have often been surrounded by powerful leaders, influencers, Rabbis etc. G-d loves me for some reason, in spite of my many and varied experiences of abuse I am still here. Still going forth into the world and protected and blessed by a few rare and precious humans who make up for the other disgusting shits!

1 August 2016

Trigger warning: female sexuality.

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2 thoughts for today:

1. A good day is a day when you don't want to kill yourself. (Having survived so much evil bullshit for decades you realise you can survive anything, even your own immolation).

2. Today is the anniversary of my migration to Brisbane, Australia. (My second and longest migration as I spent 3 years in Melbourne as a child which was how I met the beautiful amazing Margaret Jakovac.

I arrived here in 1988. 28 years ago. A lifetime ago. So much has happened. Brisbane. The not-so-lucky-country for me. But Home!

I no longer even barely think of NZ anymore as Home. The place that betrayed me even in infancy and early childhood. That fostered so much abuse. Were it not for Lynne and June and Ewen Robertson in my early childhood. I would not be alive today.

And here in Brisbane, another toxic wasteland. I was saved by Jarrod and Lyn and a few good rabbis. Also John Bradley, Gordon Senator, Harry Smith. Real men. Who cared to treat me with respect and loved me unconditionally.

Yes I know, we used to joke about the "Habibi Club". Their wives and gfs hated me, thought I was a threat (a young single vibrant woman. A survivor!) But I adored these kind gentle loving men who respected me and I believe saw me as I am.

A pure but very damaged soul who just wanted a safe place to belong. In the end, no place has ever been safe for me. I create my own safe and sacred space.

I still remember our joyous prayers at Kadimah. I miss those days. But life moves on and friends go on their way and never come back and cut ties. They could not comprehend that I was never able to succeed. Or make it in this life.

But I still honour them in my heart and mind. For their kindness and unconditional love kept me alive and relatively sane in my darkest hours. They were a great gift to me.

It hurt me greatly when Harry died to hear his family refer to him as deranged. He was a fine, noble decent man. They called him stingy. lol. Living in a luxurious apartment that he laboured all his life as a specialist for. I did not value him for his status as a doctor or his money.

I valued him for his humour. His heart. His soul. His fiery passion for that hospital he fought so hard for, for his sense of justice and even for the way his blind eyes would light up when he heard my voice "Is that Mrs Arons, Is that Tanya I hear!?"

I would go to him, clasp his hands, laugh with him, chat to him. The sneering searing gossiping hatred licking salaciously at my back, and in my face too. Did those schmucks at shule think I did not notice?

Fools. But as I am accused regularly of being a Femme Fatale let me tell you one thing. I am simply a woman of power. Of Love. Of faith. And a healer.

No. I did not fuck your husbands or bfs. The Habibi club was always safe with me. Lol.

The one affair, (is it really an affair if you are lied to several times about their situation?) was short-lived and I was demonised for it. But only to the degree that I punished myself.

I had to rethink my personal religious values. I had to cast them to the four winds. I even had to die to myself.

One of my "murderers", was another former inhabitant of the land of Israel that broke me down then invited me to the island of tears where my true spirit family (a young bogan who admired my dreadlocks and offered to take me away with him) made my Jewish friends look very small and very nasty indeed.

Judge not lest thou be judged. I kept my integrity. Even as I was called Slut and whore. But the men who I mention above. Never laid a hand on me in a sexual way. Respected me. I stood in my own honour and integrity.

True Loves! People. That is what I admire and respect. Nobility. Amidst the ashes and dreck and even Shrek of my life.

A L'Chaim! A toast. To the men and women who loved me in a good way!

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Watching Black Books with Jarrod has reinforced my ambition/intention/convocation/inspiration to buy a little shop. A little witchy book/gift/alternative shop.

I think it will be good for my artistic/creative/psychotic self-expression. I could just move my entire household contents into a shop and sell the shit. I mean, exquisite stuff!

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I had a wonderful time last night with Lyn. She bought us Chinese for dinner. It was absolutely delicious. We also went to see a movie!

Tonight (and this afternoon) Jarrod and little Harvey is here. Jarrod is cooking our dinner. Sausages, mashed potatoes and tomato and onion. I made a gluten free lemon yoghurt cake.

We also went into the garden and hit the macadamia tree with a stick and got a nice harvest of nuts from the tree. Then we set about cracking them. I need to buy a vise from Bunnings as the hammering takes forever. Lol!

One of my new hens laid a late egg! Jarrod found it in their nest! I thought they had a day off today!

I have named them, Ruby (she is a very dark red!), Xena (she is a brave Bolshey creature who fights off Bobo) and Athena (also brave and feisty).

I have had a lovely few days!

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1 August 2015

27 years ago today, I arrived in Brisbane with my husband and two babies. I was 23, full of excitement and hope for a happy life in Paradise.

Here, I am, old, alone, broke but still living in Paradise. (Fake Russian accent: Not Ze Lucky Country for some).

I went from owning my own Freehold home at 23 to decades of poverty.

Every day in every way I paid and still pay a heavy price for my freedom from abusers.

It is still worth it. No matter how bad it gets, no matter how much they make me suffer, I would still choose Freedom. Freedom is my sole happiness and sole strength.

The sun is shining. I slept for 36 hours. Had to knock myself out to cope with yet another mother-fucking heartache but today I think, Fuck it! I am Free. Imagine if I had sold myself out to another abuser! It was close. I wanted him that much.

Phew! Lucky escape!

Tonight psychedelic dreamer will dance and stomp and twirl and Not Give a Fuck! Best thing to do when your heart is stone, your mind is molten Rocky Road mush and your neshamah says "Don't worry, be happy!" Cos even the gods, goddesses, fae, forces of Nature and the inimitable Holy One pity me now. They simply don't know what to do with my stubborn refusal to accept that I am not allowed to be loved by any man.

So my life is Heyoka the Trickster, lived upside down and inside out and forever the Cosmic Joke, the universal

Schmuck. Fuck it!

What doesn't kill you makes you stronger. Another lie. It makes you embattled, scarred, leery and sometimes Bitter. My father's last words to me before I estranged the fucktard lunatic, "Don't let yourself become bitter, Tanya". Easy for him to say, being the paedophile enabler that he, my mother and sister were!

I am not bitter. Just self -aware. Just tired of evil bullshit without end. Tired of trying for basic stuff that most other people enjoy.

So I sit in my garden of Sacred Space and breathe the light and wait…for Godot. Whom never comes :-).

1 August 2014

5.28 am Good morning and good night. Time to schluff with Miss Penny 'singing' me to sleep.

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God help me! Love for a certain person is just boiling over in my heart and mind...even though I am ignored, rejected perhaps even abandoned. I almost have to laugh at myself but this is getting absurd.

I wonder how long I will suffer in vain over this one? Is it really suffering if I am also euphorically happy in my quest for love? My heart has made an epic Fool of me so many times but this time it feels real. Just seeing a photo that I took of him makes my heart do a little somersault. What is Wrong with me??? Oyyy! I have it bad!

I can't wait to find the man I can grow up and grow old with. (Lyn's suggestion as we had a little debrief tonight while Peter fixed my PC).

I suspect I will be growing old alone but I could be wrong. Growing old doesn't scare me. It was never really on the cards. However the thought of being unloved for the rest of my life fills me with horror.

Yet that is very likely to be my life and I still throw 2 year old tantrums of epic denial about this. Why??? I know my family of origin never loved me and yet I have this crazy romantic almost desperate ideal that a man will love me for real.

A total stranger with hormones and an alternate sense of reality. I am willing to bank on that? Put all my emotions into that? Fuck that?

Love is really insane, yet it is also the fabric of the universe. Pull one thread and the entire cloth unravels. For I have fallen into another Black Hole of Desire, Yearning, Wishing and Dreaming and I have no idea what awaits me on the other side?

Dear God. For many years I dreamed of being alone and autonomous. Now after almost 20 years I want a partner. I know I changed my mind but can we have a sign that I am not blossoming with Love for a beautiful man for nought?

Double negative makes a positive. From Nothing the Lord created universes upon universes. And Me! Please share me with one good man who won't give up on me even when I get a little 'Crazy'! Love you! Amen V'Selah!

Oh and while I put in a request for my pathetic womanly needs, can we have world Peace, abundant healthy food and clean water for all the planet, no GMO's and safety for all our fellow planetary inhabitants. Thank You, Adonai, in advance!

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Going out! I might be poor, broken, lonely and an epic Fool for Love...but...I still have camembert and crackers for breakfast :-). Living the psychedelic dream with and without love and money. Awesome! Now get out of my way headfuckers cos this Viking Woman is Back in the saddle.

For my beautiful Jew Crew (always a Jew first, Warrior Viking Witch second!)

SHABBAT SHALOM! I hope to see you all at the Peace Rally on Sunday 2 pm.

AM YISRAEL CHAI!

We will never let the Bastards grind us down! Nil carborendum et Bastardos!

Love you all, even those who hate me. Your loss is my gain :-).

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UNREQUITED!!!! Now I know for sure! Yayyy!!! Booo, Hisss, Cry! Happy. Relieved. This sad pathetic shit can stop. Group Hug! Party on. Tonight! Usual place, usual suspects. The Tanya is growing her Spine and turning that Love back Within. Time for Fun and holistic Healing of my energies!

I still Have me! A glorious Mess that is stunningly beautiful in my own Folly. Fools Dive in where Angels Fear to tread. Note to The Tanya Fool: avoid connections with Angels or men who mimic the abandonment issues of my father David. Don't fall in love with men named David. Everrr!!!

Tired of spiritually healing my fucked up relationship with my sociopath Father. Tired of loving empty vessels. I know I am awesome so why do I even waste my time on abusers, abandoners and liars??? It never helped me in my childhood, hasn't brought me safety or happiness in adulthood either.

My heart is a bleating Battering Ram with Broken Horns. Bring me Sleipnir...tonight we ride. Broken men with broken souls are all I can get. I am too broken to be loved and cared for by anyone but myself and I know it.

1 August 2013

I was woken by my very large fat cat Zulu straddling my side and, as I had my face almost buried on my pillow, (Tontine Treatment, Marianne!) He proceeded to lick my right ear...all over! It was raspy and drooly and a very odd sensation!

I am not keen on having my ears licked, nor drooled on, so Zulu's affections were not a welcome wake-up call. I find it somewhat humorous that the only mammalian male in the house...decides when I should wake up.

Dominated by a cat! Meshugass! Yet he gets away with it. That is True Love!

1 August 2012

Lovely Full Moon, made a lovely fire in my brazier, even cooked some sausages on the grate of it for very first time. They tasted yummy. I also did my usual wishes and prayers thing to Hashem by the light of His satellite to Earth. One of these Moons my prayers will be answered LOL.

1 August 2011

My hair is re-touched, feeling fractious, best offer I got today was Mcdonald's so I went with that. I really need some booze, some nice live music and a people-watch session, checking out the talent. Schmeh! I feel like I'm going a little crazier than usual, but at least I look good while I'm decompensating LOL.

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Blonde, Voluptuous and Bored! Oh well, two outta three aint bad! Just watched True Blood season 4 Episode 6, please sir, I want some moreeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

Copyright Tanya Désirée Arons