Memories: 29 April 2025

29 April 2025

7:29 am. The first time in a long while that I have had zero events (stopping breathing in my sleep). Hmmm. If I can keep this pattern up then cpap will have finally worked out for me.

I am not responding to the “Viagra” for my bladder…yet. Dose 6 today. I was up twice during the night. But even that is an improvement on a few weeks ago.

Healing, holding my line…experiencing full throttled vitality after a lifetime of ignominy, and trauma…takes up precious time. 60 years being treated like dirt will take its toll. Yet here I am…Hineini…another day in paradise, rebuilding from yet another ground zero.

Like a jettisoned rocket capsule swirling in space in an air lock, awaiting landing in the sea where hopefully Someone finds me and sets me free from other people’s pissweak cowardly delusions and seclusions and fake love and obsessions.

I will remain tethered, albeit tenuously to the gods and to Planet Earth, (my only true Mother) and trust myself enough to trust in Love again. One fine day!

(Ground control to Major Tom…) Don’t worry, Mama T…we’ve got this! Love you!

Grateful happy Woman here!

…

https://youtu.be/etHKpp53fPU

29 April 2024

The post Covidian Insanity has intensified. Optus (and Telstra and TPG) have now removed email capability.)

I just was informed of this when I rang Optus technical support to find out why I can no longer send emails. It’s grossly INSANE. They told me I will have to pay more money for email capability. (Extortion!) when I already have several services with them and pay about $250 a month.

Then the technician told me it’s a problem affecting hundreds of other customers so not a personal targeting of me. (I wonder? What do I and the hundreds of other customers have in common? Have we all fought hard for our body autonomy and basic human rights?)

Then he informs me they are working on the problem (a problem he wanted me to pay extra for, mind you?!) and that he will call me in a week on 7 or 8 May 2024 to notify me if/when the situation is rectified!

I told him I have been a loyal customer for 30 years in gratitude for, and recognition of the time in 1996 when Optus would not accept my bankruptcy, which I was harassed and coerced into during a very vulnerable time in my life, ie freshly strangled, an ugly divorce and so traumatised that I was barely coping to even get my kids to and from school so the debts began to spiral and I was dancing in my small corner of hell as fast as I could.

Optus, at that most dangerous and vulnerable time in my life, had my back and kept my account going as they insisted I needed to keep my mobile phone going for safety issues, being a newly divorced woman with young daughters.

So what has happened to this company’s ethics from 1996 to even date 2024 curious minds wish to know?

Our Overlords (alien? AGI? Elites?) are now crushing us where it hurts the most. Our ability to communicate effectively in all facets of human endeavour.

The technician suggested I set up Gmail so I can keep emailing for free! How long will that last? Anyway Jarrod is kindly coming over to assist me with setting that up. I have been unable to setup Outlook on my laptop as it asked for an IMAP number I don’t even know what it is?

All this time I thought it was my ageing self unable to cope with technology. It did not occur to me in my wildest of nightmares that the larger internet companies are shutting us out of email capability.

Incomprehensible and just pure insanity. Or corporate greed, or deliberate targeting of Whistleblowers and/or those courageous enough to hold our line?

This is very terrifying! (And I don’t scare easy!) I may need to seriously consider going completely off grid. I mean, is this even survivable?!

…

Jarrod took me out to Grill’d for lunch then we went to Wynnum Beach. It was lovely by the sea! Much needed after my stressful morning dealing with Optus and their AI overlords.

29 April 2023

He noted I drink a “man’s drink” (Jack Daniel’s) and I smiled wryly and explained that it’s because I don’t usually get drunk on it but with wine I have very low tolerance. I stated that I Iike to keep myself safe, pristine, awake and aware and that I like to drive myself home so I never drink more that three or four drinks a night on my nights out. (Once a week!).

I asked him what he was drinking? He said it was Red Bull. I wrinkled my nose wryly. A half truth. I thought ‘Red Bull gives you wings, for real…heart failure but so does alcohol or any other poison’. But I kept my dark thoughts to myself. Patiently I enquired “Oh so what else is in it?” He replied almost shamefacedly, “Vodka”. Uh huh.

So there we sat, convivially imbibing our relational poisons. (Vodka was my mother’s favourite spirit). Me, with my “man’s drink” and him with his feminine concoction. Almost as an afterthought, he tells me “At home I drink Wild Turkey”. I nod approvingly “ahhh yes…Bourbon…good…a wild Turkey for a wild Jive Turkey. We like the Wild ones, we do!”

I am trying to think if that Wild Turkey turns him mean as a cut snake at home and that’s why he drinks vodka and red bull when he’s out? He seemed a gentle spirit but one can never be certain.

Anyway he tells me he shoots roos for a living and unusually I ask him if he ever caught camels to ship to Saudi Arabia out at Mt Isa as I have heard that it pays good money and at least you deliver the animals alive which I much prefer.

He looked at me in astonishment and said he had indeed done that job too and yes it pays very well indeed.

I sat musing as Jarrod’s Uncle Carl once suggested I go bush and do that job out at Mt Isa. He also suggested I learn to be a train driver and do the long haul trips to the other side of Queensland. I sometimes regret I did not take him up on that offer. But that was ten years ago and I lacked confidence in my abilities then.

My new friend Cecil tells me I should have gone camel catching after all. I replied I feared the wild expanses of The Outback (trapped as I have always been in city girl mentality in the cloying choking clusterfuck that is suburbia.

He replied there is nothing to fear out there except all the snakes, which aren’t as bad as most humans and giggled! I nodded. I replied I had a snake visitor to my garden a month ago, but she was only enticed by the vibrations I was making on my anvil when I was smashing a copper bangle into shape and then she decided she wanted my free ranging pet rainbow lorikeet for her lunch. He laughed.

I wonder how I would cope in the real outback, in the scathing heat, in the desert full of snakes, scorpions, and rough ready and wild men….and the ancient spirits, the desert djinn. A crazy freckled white woman. With no bush skills at all (except I did know how to ride a horse. Sorta kinda.)

So it was a romantic notion. One I might revisit since I live alone with pets, my jewellery projects, my spirits/fae/angels and now I have snakes in my own garden anyway. Masculine energy, that snake. Prefaced the arrival of a new love in my life…yet to manifest but the signs are there.

Hell even Jarrod’s cousin (the son of his uncle Carl!) “liked” my Titania’s realm page last evening and I thought that was unusual as I never met the man. Then the roo shooter/camel catcher briefly lights up my life like a smouldering campfire stoker and I think….what the fuck? Lol.

He ran his hands all over my back and massaged my neck and shoulders and I sat as rigid as a three day old corpse, unaccustomed to a strange man’s touch. Or any man’s touch after so many years. 8 years. Wow. His fingers traced my epic fucking scars across the back of my t shirt (I was wearing my pale blue lace fronted t shirt and my blue silk sari wrap over skirt).

I felt awkward and embarrassed about him feeling my hideous skin cancer scars through the back of my clothing. But I allowed it. His touch. Unusual. Perhaps the man is a healer after all….?

Each time his fingers moved to my buttocks I arced up. Each time he quickly moved his hand away… respected my body autonomy over my sacred personal spaces. But there was more intimacy in stroking my ugly scars to be honest.

Intimacy. Something I have not actively encouraged in nearly a decade. Such was the brutality of the false and feckless, callow lost boys.

Synchronicities falling like stars out of the seventh heaven or cosmic set ups? The Tanya cannot always tell. Which is Witch or why or when or how…but because she is awake: she watches and waits. Like grandmother spider. Ready to leap into the Void.

What news from the underworld? Baruch ha ba’a. Be’ezrat Hashem. Hold true. Hold your head up. See!

Mama T has lived through enough bullshit. Red Bull…Angel Wings. Seeing is believing but in a world of illusion and deception, I will need extra inner vision, protection and love from the higher realms so I don’t choose an evil one ever ever again.

…..

5:39 pm. My goddess I am exhausted! But…I am also excited, tempted to go out dancing again, anticipatory, yearning and feeling like I am on the brink of a breakthrough in my love life: ie sensing that someone really wonderful is coming towards me, with pure positive heartfelt intentions.

Am I going insane? I wonder. Or is it another lure, trap, hell loop, disappointment, travesty? The lovely younger man I met last night did not ask me on a date or take my phone number so although we enjoyed the dancing, drinking and chatting he was not interested in pursuing anything and that was wise as I already friend zoned him because of the age difference. Which was probably foolish on my part, putting walls up that don’t need to be there.

But I know one thing. The multiverses are getting me ready for the long awaited One, my Bashert, my truest deepest Beloved, the one prophesied to me about 30 years ago that I would not meet him until I am 60.

I often thought over the last three decades how cruel a fate that has been, but like my silversmithing journey, I also had to grow my heart back, many many times and blow life back into the tiny almost eviscerated embers and fan it gently back into a radiant passionate heat that indeed utterly terrified my former paramours and lacklustre casual fuckers.

I had to blossom out in my spirit even at this late stage of life and I had to listen to my wise ones who whisper sweet nothings but guided me in truth last night.

They teased me and taunted me but the information was accurate. Little signposts along the way. Have I not asked the multiverses to bring me a kind, noble, decent, generous man. Lol?

So I am paying attention. I am achieving small victories with my triumphant return from the brink of Death and the capricious cruelties of former lovers.

I am healing. I am sending love out to those around me like a gentle flowing sea anemone, letting my spiralling tendrils of love connect with and or caress those who appreciate me, value me, enjoy my Being and curling into a ball and withholding my light from the rest.

Flowing in the timelines, in the song lines on sacred space on this amazing country, this vast ancient land.

…

I go to take the mattress protector off my washing line (iconic Australian Hills Hoist!) and what do I see??? But Mothman. Almost perfectly camouflaged.

…

10:58 am. Awake after only a few hours sleep. (I woke up at 9 am. ) My friend Jo checked on me as she knew I was nervous about the new man friend personage. Which was very sweet of her!

But all good. I came home alone as is my usual holding pattern.

I realised this morning that all obstacles are being removed from my life and it’s happening on a subtle etheric level as well as in the physical. Me pushing myself so damn hard with my jewellery efforts is just one example. The other is very quick manifestations or answers to my prayers.

Driving in to the casino last night I had a spirit say “Someone is going to give you money” I replied “don’t be stupid, why would anyone give me money at the casino?” so I pushed the thought away.

But when Cecil approached Jo and I, he randomly stated he earns $400O a week shooting Roos and handed me $30. I said I couldn’t accept his money as I am not there for that. He said “It’s nothing! Mere change!” But I said “I can’t take money from men who kill innocent animals as I am an animal lover” and I went to put the $30 in his shirt pocket.

He looked so deeply saddened by this that I changed my mind. FFS I eat dead animals that I love every day. Who am I to judge?! So I graciously accepted his money and went and bought a Jack Daniel’s for me and a bottle of water (that’s all she wanted!) for Jo.

But I have to admit it was a very bizarre way of introduction. Men…are such strange creatures sometimes 😉. He really was the sweetest kindest most genuine person. …for a killer lol!

…

3:45 am home from another wonderful night. I met a lovely and very sweet and kind younger man. He was very attentive and affectionate but also reasonably respectful. An aboriginal man but alas he was only 40.

I immediately told him he was lovely but given his age, we can only be friends. But we sat together most of the evening and he was delightful and danced joyously with me.

I left him at 3:15 am but told him he really is lovely and thanked him for his company and for a lovely evening.

It’s not him it’s me. Sad but true. That’s two lovely men I have met in the last two weekends. Hmmm…a movement in the force!

Interestingly he shoots roos for a living which he says pays extremely well. My initial instinct was to immediately reject him as I am an animal lover but I had to remind myself that it’s a job and Roos are considered a feral animal so they cull them to keep the numbers down.

But….it’s hard for me to allow potential new loves in my life. Especially someone so much younger who kills kangaroos for a living. Still we enjoyed each others company.

I was watched like a hawk by the regulars and security as they are unaccustomed to me actually spending time with any of the men there. Hilarious! I am not a total freak…Bejaysus. I can be sweet and kind and inclusive when I feel comfortable with someone.

The times are a changing.

Peace out.

29 April 2022

12.03 pm I Woke up at 10:30 am but feel very weak and dizzy. I pushed myself through it to clean the fishpond filter which was arduous as I am low on oxygen.

Then I sat down with Charley and together we devoured blueberry yoghurt and a nice cup of tea. It’s been showering outside but the sun has come out to play.

I am looking forward to seeing Crystal this afternoon. She is coming over to make some jewellery as she is making jewellery from Fimo moulds and needs jumprings and stuff.

I want to buy varnish at Bunnings but feel too weak and dizzy to drive so I think that can wait until I feel better.

I thought about driving to a hospital to find out the cause of the dizziness and weakness and to check on the status of my oxygen saturation (which I think is the issue as I slept well last night) but frankly I don’t trust those bastards with my body.

I would rather sit here and die quietly. Or keep choosing to live against the odds. In the style of The Tanya it can always go either way. Like a fucking almighty swinging sword of Damocles.

But it’s a beautiful day and I shall enjoy it no matter how unwell I feel. Unwrap it slowly and patiently and delight in its gifts.

…

7:55 pm I did not feel well at all, most of the day but managed to make 24 sterling silver jumprings for my daughter’s new project.

Now I have put on makeup and boots and red fishnet stockings and added an underbust corset to my nice coral pink frock.

There will be dancing or if I get too dizzy, I can just nurse a drink and listen to whatever band is playing for a while.

I missed out on going out last weekend but I shall not miss out again!

Shabbat Shalom! Mama T is going to dance her freedom and residual lifeforce!

29 April 2021

:-)

…

29 April 2020

Watching “After Life” season two. Very funny and poignant. I met my future Self in episode one. ;-)

…

…

…

11:11pm another angelic synchronicity. Hold on, Babies. The only way out is through.

29 April 2018

Feeling peaceful and much happier this arvo (my morning)! Looks like I needed to dance wildly and blow out the stress.

I debriefed yesterday and my doctor agreed I have been hypomanic for the past month (on and off, mostly riddled with anxiety and cptsd issues).

I asked him if he was going to put me in hospital (which has not ever happened as he knows I would not survive that environment) but I have been anxiously pondering if I have fallen down the rabbit hole so far that there might be need of an intervention (all the while pulling at my own bootstraps while spiralling down the abyss like a free-falling astronaut on a low-oxygen tank as that is how I roll, babies!)

He concurred that I have been through a lot in recent months and my reactions although extreme are quite normal.

I love that man. He keeps me safe! Just knowing I have his back-up (and if I plummet into a shit heap I can always go back on medication if I want to) makes me feel supported.

I have been free of psych meds almost 23 months. This is a huge achievement for me.

The getting of Wisdom from the aging process, the fighting each and every day for my self-determination , the speaking my truth, my pain and my joys and the occasional herbal intervention (ahem!) has wrought miraculous healing in my life.

A long slow tempering process of a Wild Wise Woman, honed and whetted like steel, mind still sharp even though it was chipped and cracked and needed some honing and re-sharpening.

Body getting weaker but my Spirit sublimely perfectly intact. (I got knocked down but I got up again....so many times). Too many times... rising again as a newer creature of light and smite but mostly delight!

Just for today... I am proud and happy of the woman I am now and the woman I am still Becoming.

I did not do this alone. I had earthangels and celestial angels, spirits and G-d pushing me along like a mechanised child’s toy car, pull back pull back then released to let me race off into my next hurdy gurdy jumpy bumpy flying feckless reckless Ride (or Mission in life). Angels sent me where even they feared to tread. It was terrifying but courageous. Stupid but ennobling.

I am grateful. I am joyful. I am free. I am...

…

29 April 2017

3.12 am. Home from a great night dancing to Cherry Bomb with my beautiful friend Karen. Sarah, the lead singer rocked out all night. There was not a big crowd but I supported her band as I do almost every band and we all had a fantastic time. I faded early so came home at 2 am.

Lying in a hot Epsom salt bath, coming to terms with my flagging energy levels and painfully sore feet but really fortunate and happy and grateful to have fulfilled my dream to have some fun (6 years of it) before I die.

From comments section:

I really pushed myself as asthma is brewing up a storm but not too bad as yet. I only had to take my puffer at 1ish as I was struggling. Dancing has strengthened my legs, hips and tochas but my lungs are never going to be much good although I have noticed that I get less frequent bouts of asthma/bronchitis than when I was young. Awesome!

To 89 and beyond. No fuck that, I live a strange and lonely life. I am quite satisfied that I made up for my stolen childhood and adolescence and beleaguered adulthood.

I am happy to Pop my clogs at any given time if the gods allow it. They certainly won't allow me to have a partner. Lol! Tough gig! Or money or travel! Still wishing hoping manifesting but ...I have some beautiful Friends, my daughter (at a long distance) and the animal kin. Some long lost cousins and the richest asset, my own Self.

Haha I will never be slim. First thing I did when I got home was draw a bath, make a cup of tea and brought a bowl of Watties spaghetti (I forgot to eat dinner last night) and a block of popping candy chocolate on the bath caddy. I did not eat much chocolate as I had to move it further away from the dog.

He was thrilled to be allowed to lick the bowl after I finished the spaghetti. Then he made weird whining sounds (almost like singing) as I was playing your video of the song Sex and Candy. One of my favourite songs.

When I said "Who's that casting devious stares in my direction why Honey it surely is...Beauregard", he whined and smiled and sang along. Sweet guy. Very romantic, loving and genuine. Ahem! My dog-child is a decent bloke.

I love a man who sings to me (or can make me sing 😉 )

…

Been up for an hour. I put Charlie outside in his cage as it is a lovely sunny morning. I boiled and devoured 6 eggs (two tiny Silkie eggs and 4 normal sized ones).

Now back in bed as I have a headache and need more sleep. Cheers People x

…

Ding! Ding! ding! Round two. Still tired from last night but fuck it! Life is for dancing and living and flying in the face of my enemies.

29 April 2016

10.20 am. Just woke up from a trauma dream about being robbed of Cees's house in Wellington Point by the Scum Scherers. Still shaking and hyperventilating. Great start to the day. Not!

Reminder of how I ended up in abject poverty by more abusers than I can shake a fucking aboriginal bone curse at. Wish I had. Might have helped. Pity I never found a Kadaatchi man.

The Obijwa Midewin did however succeed in "settling" me. Temporarily. Good magic but I need a refill. (Ahhh but psychedelic dreamer, the universe has your back. Have I not always provided. Trust Me! I know what I am Doing!)

As you can read, I am still half-dreaming. Or half-alive. Never sure which when I open my eyes.

So it's pissing with rain so mower guy will most likely not show up yet again, which leaves me with long grass and no money and no mower. Another problem that was exacerbated by liars and let-downs.

Breathe. In and out! Rinse and repeat until you die.

I was on a euphoric high yesterday. Over-flowing with love then this morning Bam! Back in the room! Wake up Dreamer. Reality check. But the love I feel for that man keeps me going.

Wishing, hoping, striving, keeps me fresh and sassy. Insanity. But worth it. Until next time I crash and burn.

It took me a minute to realise I was not in 19 Jellicoe Street watching my parents' home implode on itself, live electric cabling flailing dangerously as the walls and ceiling and upper story collapsed all around me.

A neighbour saved me in the dream by turning off the mains. (Nonsense dream - but felt so real). Then a lengthy visit with a lawyer who told me the house was mine and the granny flat was still liveable.

As if I would ever go back to that hell-hole but in the context of the nightmare I was so relieved I had a home still and was not homeless.

Then I woke up, my bedroom spinning and I was yelling inside my head, I am not homeless, here I am, I am safe. A rented government housing commission home as I can never afford to own another one. Robbed of my marital home, Jellicoe street and Haig Rd Loganlea and even Mum's rental home in Birkdale by liars, cheats, tramps and thieves.

Breathe. All I got for certain is air. Life. Love. Hold on. Keep going. I got this shit.

:-)

…

Good news! Mowing is happening. It was almost orgasmic to hear the grudging grunting gargantuan churn of the ride-on. Porn for out-of-control-lawn owners.

He charged me $80. Buggar it! But I can breathe now. He kept his word about showing up Friday arvo too. Even though it has been raining. I like a man with integrity. I was getting really strung out.

I need to still focus on manifesting 5 grand to buy my own ride-on though. Then I would not have to stress about people not showing up.

29 April 2014

1.51 am. For some insane reason, probably a chocolate high, I feel really excited. If it weren't the middle of night and I was broke, I'd run amok. Jarrod drove with me to Crystal's so I could take her the car and he could drive me back home, and he could have a look at her new place. We had a pleasant time.

Crystal was also on some weird emotional high and was teasing me so much I threatened to go home lol. Must be something in the cosmos, or our water.

Her place is starting to look slightly bigger since she shoved stuff away. (Oyyyy! Still way too small imo). She is happy there. I was delighted that little Ramon came up to me for cuddles of his own accord.

Crystal got jealous momentarily as he rarely goes up to anyone. So I kissed his forehead and he just smiled in his rabbity way with contentment.

I came home with a lovely big bag of his poop which is always welcome so I spent the next two hours, spreading poop on some of the front garden, then I transplanted the babianas, spread them around, then I pottered by making my rock wall a tad taller as I am sick of the chooks kicking the soil everywhere on the front path.

Then I watered the front path, then I tied up my jasmine vine on the wicker chair, as it had lost it's shape, then I watered the front a bit, then I went inside. I was astounded to discover I'd been outside so long. Amazing how time flies when you potter in the garden.

…

Insomnia is such a waste of time and head-space. 2 hours with only light dozing is driving me crazy.

I took 100 mgs of Seroquel and I am still not sleepy. I usually only take 50 mgs max. Crystal says it is the Coke we had at dinner, but I doubt that. It was only 300 mls. I also had a block of Old Gold chocolate so perhaps the caffeine in the chocolate tipped me over the edge?

I am gonna lie here and try not to think about the odd jobs I want to do, the housework that I keep avoiding (even with insomnia), the fact that I want a man in my life who loves me and is faithful to show up and reveal honourable intentions (a huge fantasy but vaguely possible -for other women lol).

I am going to try not to worry about my life or my Gastroscopy on Thursday or my lack of security or a million other niggling problems that roll around my mind like a poured out bag of marbles.

Shiny pretty-coloured pointless glassy thoughts which achieve nothing and lead nowhere, like the staircase in Fiddler on the roof, going nowhere just for show.

I have even been thinking of my sister and her betrayal of me. She has no rights to take up space in my head. Not now, when I have so many beautiful, loving, gentle, generous Sisters who accept me just the way I am, in a way that my birth family never could, nor wanted to.

Crystal commented that all my friends I go out with are much younger. I said, "Yes of course, they are my little “sisters'". We inspire each other and support each other as women have always done throughout the ages.

I am Blessed. A woman who is admired for no other reason than I love Life and I have had the guts to fight for my life many times. I can offer no excuses or explanations, none are needed. I am What I am.

…

…

29 April 2012

I had a lovely day with Jarrod in spite of the shitty miserable incessant rain, the cold and my aching painful back. We went to Carindale shops, had lunch and I had a little splurge and bought a Microphone and some cheap cds. All very satisfying.

I came home Wet, bedraggled but surprisingly Euphoric. Odd little mood swings but it's nice to be happy for a change. LOL!

29 April 2010

I had an insanely busy day, just finished pottering now at 11.27pm....still lots I want to do, but getting tired. Also very excited that my neighbour's baby girl was born today and all ready home from hospital. I was the first non-medical person to meet her. What a beautiful baby!

29 April 2009

I am thrilled to announce that my Crystal got another High Distinction for Shakespeare and a commendation from her Director. WTG Crystal!!!!

Copyright Tanya Désirée Arons