Memories: 27 February 2025

27 February 2025

8:10 am getting slightly better. Or at least, one good night. My arm is still problematic. It’s radiating muscular pain, even in my lymph nodes in my armpit, although there is no sign of infection. Meh.

Holding on, while letting go. I will heal. I am healing. Standing clean and clear in my own body autonomy and authority. Love is the law. Fearlessly free to be Me in all worlds/paradigms/echelons and dimensions.

Ratih is coming to clean this morning. I look forward to seeing her. She is such a sweet soul and a kind woman. It’s lovely to have such lights in my world. People who are gentle and kind with me. Honouring. Much needed. Much appreciated.

I am blessed with some really marvellous friends. Life is good when you have that. People who love you and work with you to contribute to your “success”, knowing how hard you have struggled just to stay alive, slammed by viciousness for decades.

They know how you deserve to achieve your highest goals (with harm to none, competition with none)…just forging ahead day by day, moment by moment, taking delight in what little manifestations come along your Way.

Breathing (even in your sleep lol). Achieving. Loving. Receiving all the authentic love that was atrophied or smothered or stolen from you. Gifting it to others also.

A mobious loop…eternal sunshine of a spotless mind, a soul that is emanating her own potentiates, with courage under fire, intimate trustworthy bliss. Alone, or in good company.

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Sometimes you just need to go a little crazy to save yourself. Just have a little whimsy. Feel nurtured and guided and protected, if only by the gods. I have been over-coping, being all things to all people. But when the chips are down…many are not “there” for me. So I will be “there” for/with/by myself.

I have something many people lack: a resilient altruistic courageous life force. The strength of ten men at times. What would Boudiccea do? Hahaha…don’t answer that question! Icaenian Queens suffer no fools or traitors or lacklustre fops. But it was a different World then.

What would she make of a world where globalists poison their own people and progeny? Where life is a kind of domesticated farm…fed by the State, killed by the State. Odd. Unusual.

Now councils are criminalising the homeless and the poor. Using the same playbook Hitler did. Chilling…evil…reprehensible. It’s the toe edge of the slippery slope to hell. As a second generation holocaust survivor raised by survivors of that last vicious regime…I know how that goes…

27 February 2023

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4:17 pm exhausted but happy. I finished Yoda at 3.40 pm. I worked hard on him, sanding and filing and polishing out his rough edges. He’s a fine gentlespirit now.

I am walking through the forest with Beauregard and Charley. She is sitting on my shoulder singing to me, happy to be outside on a walk with her dog and her Mama T!

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27 February 2021

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11:13 am just missed the angels’ synchronicity but they have been active lately. Something is shifting or recalibrating in my heart and soul.

Day four back on hrt which has been an emotional frenetic roller coaster. But I feel calmer today. Probably exhausted. I slept well, only waking around 2:30 am and 8.30 am and got up about 20 minutes ago, feeling rested. Phew!

I am now sitting with my book “Desiree” I have still not finished. Only a third of the way through.

A cup of tea at my side and my trusty Charley is with me too. Delightful little bird lady. So devoted.

The dragon fruit has big sultry flowers that the bees are frantically pollinating but she has had three flushes already and each time her flowers shriveled and fell without bearing fruit.

But I am enjoying her big fat cactus-ey blossoms anyway and hoping for our most beneficial outcome.

I too bore many fruits that lay on the hard and broken uncultivated ground in a grief of unfulfillment that echoed across decades.

But shhh Little Cactus and your Human prickly pear...we bear our fecundity and bloom in the darkness and if our flowers fell on unanointed devalued ground then that too, was our fate.

One day we will burst forth and create our highest most potent magick and the world will stand in awe (even if it’s only awesome in our own mind and legacy!). Lmao.

From Dereliction to Megalomania is just a slippery slide away. Snakes and ladders or climbing Jacob’s ladder on his stairway to heaven is an artform that takes determination, courage and intrepid persistence...like a non-fruiting but ever-blooming cactus. It’s all horseshit ‘til someone gets hurt and I have pricked my finger on that malfeasance enough.

Giggles.

The air is thick with humidity so perhaps we will get some rain later.

27 February 2020

3:58 am Not much sleep tonight. But I have been sleeping 12 hours for the past few nights. Healing my skin from Within knocked me off my socks.

I am really tired but my brain is just motoring along. I guess I will crash and burn after I write this. Just saying out loud that I need to sleep (or complaining on fb!) seems to settle my mind sometimes.

I feel happy though. Happy to be alive, in the comfort of my bed, with Penny beside me, mindfully powering up and looking back on my life and astonished at how much I have overcome and grown through in the past 5 years.

Even with my current illness. This morning I suddenly realised that I have been living in 5 yearly snatches. 45 -50. (Mum’s death, the will dispute, then finding my feet after settlement at 47, falling in love with another hopeless case (rolls eyes!), set ups and defamation threats and the not-completely-ridiculous suicide attempt given the stressors of 2015.

Then 50- 54 (almost 55). Healing my body and mind after that stymied attempt. Teeth (nerve pain) for three years. Then leg pain. My daughter returning from England. 2017 (aged 52!) seems to have been a turning point for me as I see it in my writing.

Getting clear of all psych meds in June 2016 and that peculiar haunting by Davidson schmuck really “healed” me in mysterious ways.

2018 and 2019 bogged down by the gall bladder and then the surgery from hell. Thank god for the nurses who worked hard to keep me alive.

Then going home in agony and deeply traumatised to mostly have to manage alone. More exponential healing although I am now still struggling with my gut, and the freshly frozen skin cancers. Five months of severe asthma too.

But today my skin is healing. The blisters drying and falling off. Less blotchy Undeadable Zombie creature now. Replete with her residual Brains.

It’s almost the end of February 2020. Hmmm. What will I be like if I live another 5 years? Hopefully happy, peaceful and loved. In this world...or the next. Only the gods can decide.

What a ride!

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I am feeling bemused that the spirits are now communicating with me on occasion, with alchemical Symbols. Except I am not fluent in Alchemy.

So a symbol I was shown during trance dancing turns out to be the alchemical symbol of Tin (Jupiter!) and the one I received the other night before falling asleep was for Lead (Saturn!) No idea what it means or what the spirits (or higher mind!) is telling me.

11.01 am. Make a wish. I wish (and pray!) that my angels and spirits and ancestors that Love me communicate me in a more clear and concise manner. So I know exactly what they are instructing or guiding me or exactly what is expected of me.

Oh and can they please stop putting me in vile toxic environments (ie danger!)? I am not well and it takes ages for me to recover from toxic people. Thanks, oh holy ones!

From tin pot alley to a lead balloon, Mama T turns shit to spiritual Gold with no love or money but an iron will. Fly high over the mountain, Little one. We have your back.

Um... okay.

Thor is pounding his hammer right now. Intense humidity. But it will bring rain.

27 February 2019

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I had my debrief. My doctor agrees that Australia is in shock about Pell but that the delayed reactions will manifest in March. I think so too.

This is such a huge catalyst for societal change. For centuries the Catholic Church has raped, tortured and vilified it’s victims. But this is the first time an Australian Cardinal has been convicted. The first time we as Australians cannot distance ourselves from the truth nor blame it on distant third world countries with our usual nimbyism.

Nup this man is all ours. Our own manifestation of perversion and blight.

Fellow survivors like me will experience varying degrees of disassociation , rage and trauma reactions. But we are finally vindicated. Not.So.Crazy after all.

Our society needs cleaning and healing from the top to the bottom and well, ironically this little societal discard has her own house in order. Unconsciously preparing for the Big Bang of justice and the natural paroxysms of fall-out that comes with it.

My doctor reiterated that I did well to survive my own childhood (and adulthood) without succumbing to being a heroin addict or a Street prostitute in a gutter somewhere. Like so many others who could not cope with the brutal reality that they were not safe as children.

But my survival came at a huge personal Cost. The stink of victimhood that cost me career, relationships, wealth creation. The albatross around my neck I tried to shuck off all my life. But that fetid bird flew back and perched on my shoulders. I learned to love it. The seeping rot of my own failure to thrive. Zombie corpse gaie Divorcee after all.

My fucking superpower. I am going to be okay. At least we are seeing justice being done and are holding each other precious. Blowing life back into the forgotten and broken. Holding hands across the world, cheering each other on.

L’Chaim! (Who knew?!).

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I woke up with the melody and the words from a song in my head “nothing breaks like a heart...this world keeps turning”. Penny was bouncing around the wooden floors like a kitten. I had to pee anyway. So hooray, and up she rises. Another day in Paradise.

Dave has been on my mind but only because he showed up to spy briefly on Friday night which was the 5th anniversary of our passionate sexual encounter. I doubt he remembers that though, just thinks he is fucking with my head. Or misses me.

Whatever! I get “haunted” regularly by exes dead and alive so I am quite accustomed to quantum entanglements and some people’s fucked up attachment (and personality) disorders. Someone calls occasionally to see if I am going to the casino then he turns up.

Hmmm. Not man enough to meet me on my own level. Has to hide behind the skirts of other women and his henchman, Stan, who blatantly spies for him and spent much time staring on Saturday night.

I saw him chatting to a friend of mine then looking in my direction. I stared back briefly.

What do these men actually want from me? I am not interested in their perverted control dramas. I go out only to dance and have a good time once a week. Be in the world. Be wild and carefree. I suppose they want me dead. Or gone. Or invisible.

But fuck them. (I won’t be fucked by them, or used or abused either!) So that drives them crazy. My fierce determination to live my life, joyously and on my own terms.

Do they not know that my heart was always broken since early childhood and their games and evil bullshit is writhing all over their face and skin and energy meridians like a filthy squirming toxic plague.

The stench (in real life!) of their betrayals permeates their inner recesses and their hearts are empty voids, lacking substance, and integrity.

Ahhh, they are too stupid to realise that I have walked this life a thousand times and this is not a new game.

I will not be bound to their false love or foul treachery.

Freedom…

So on Friday I was taunted by the one man I fell wildly and passionately in love with and then yesterday, Cardinal Pell’s conviction is announced. So yeah, hammered by the gods again. Nothing breaks like a cracked and shattered but cosmically regrown heart.

Tomorrow is Dave’s birthday and my former paedophile stepfather Cees Van Der Greft’s Birthday. They failed to kill me. I won. Let’s eat, dance and be merry.

Both those men sought power over me. Cees, throughout my childhood, with ongoing threats of rape and/or molestation and at times faking an alliance against my narcopath mother and others, aligning with her against me.

No fucking wonder all my adult love affairs with men have been rocked by confusion, delusion, trauma and emotional, physical and/or sexual abuse. They destroyed me a thousand times and a thousand different ways. But my Neshamah, my Soul, always belonged only to G-d and verily, in miraculous ways, G-d always has my back.

Always!!! Never fuck with a woman raised by monsters. Or one who has survived her own obliteration a dozen times. She grows back.

She loves, deeply, profoundly, eternally. But she fucking grows back.

27 February 2017

The universe has infinite and often unorthodox or unusual ways to heal the mind body spirit. In spite of all the toxic poisons we implant in our bodies, from food, alcohol, fucking Aspartame and other chemicals laced in our foodstuffs. In spite of radiation, aluminum, stuff we breathe in.

Like for example: I slept all day on Saturday. I Woke up feeling energised but craving water so went to West End to the river. I had a walk with Beau but felt quickly weak and tired so sat under a tree, on the ground (earthing). I recovered enough to get us back home. Fatigue overwhelmed me but I did not give in to sleep as I had over-slept the day before.

I spent the night feeling maudlin and exhausted but sat, colouring in while listening/watching Wisdom Teachings on Gaia.com. Until by 10.30 pm I became light-headed (from multi-tasking and concentrating my beleaguered energies so damn hard). The room was literally spinning.

So I went to bed and fell instantly asleep. I woke up at 7.17 am!!! Ridiculous!

Now I have a slight cold which I was probably brewing it for the past 3 days as that explains the extraordinary fatigue, mood disregulation and my fiery spirit supercharging itself (as denial is not just a long river in Africa).

I try to be a superwoman when I feel myself spiralling down into illness. Chronic illness and fatigue over 5 Decades has meant I can only do things in fits and starts like a flailing fish out of water, hooked by fate while the fucking Hobgoblins stand around and watch me struggle or laugh at me.

Yeah I get it. Watching a "chosen one" die to herself over and over again is entertaining. Some of us are not given easy loving comfortable lives so we are forced to build and rebuild the sacred from the profane, the extraordinary from the mundane while wallowing in rivers of epic shit: abuse, betrayal, hatred.

I know. Walked the walk. Danced the dance, tranced the entranced. Lived through it. Loved. From sublime to ridiculous.

The Holy One and I are partners in the Sublime. S/He/It throws me into the Fray and I skip the light fandango in a mosh pit of frenzied fury, inspiration, determination, zesty blessed regeneration.

Gotta love it. I have no choice. I am on a mission. To where and when or what for, I have no ken. But the universe spins me around and throws me back on my feet. Even when I begged to die, even suicide was interfered with. Why? Why am I held to this earth against my own free will???? Because. Just do it.

I am so grateful for the opportunity to heal. Healing in strange nefarious ways. I want what I want but I begin to see the universe has its own joke at my expense but She is gifting me with so much more than I could ever dream of.

I kept my promise. I begged Her to let me live long enough to see my children become independent adults. Then long enough to have some fun. before I died. Then long enough to witness karma bestowed upon my enemies (all 12 of the evil bastards) in my lifetime. Schadenfreude is the gift that keeps giving. The smiting continues.

But we are all interconnected. What goes down must also rise up. I ask only that those who constantly (still!) damage me, awaken to the powerful light of their own consciousness and deal with their callow spiteful envy and hatred from within. The rot that pervades them needs cleansing. May the gods wash their souls clean or relegate them to their own paradigm where they can do no more harm, to themselves or others. (Ooh I like that one!)

Anyway, ...where was I??? Oh yes.

GOOD MORNING *grins impishly.

The Tanya Greets the day and the night. Another day in a Paradise. Another gift of life on the fractal of the Merkaba Hologram in my personal Wrinkle of Time. Out of Mind but happy.

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Lol! I randomly met this chick named Kirsty one night at the Elephant. She came right up to me, told me I was awesome and she was going to buy me a drink. She was the awesome one! Omg. We cut loose on the dancefloor. So much fun. What a great gal! Never ran into her again but still have a happy memory of her kindness and generousity and fun!

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Well my sniffly nose I inherited from my dog's germs have dried up and instead I have a nice tight sinus headache. Thanks Beauregard. (What doesn't kill you...doesn't kill you lmao!) It is however a bit much when even my dog gives me nice little immune-attacking cold germs.

But I love him anyway, even if he did sneeze in my face several times yesterday.

He is much healthier today so in the way of stale clichés everywhere, "This too shall pass!"

I just love how he lies between and/or on top of my feet. Weirdo!

27 February 2016

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I am lying on the lounger with my puppy. Listening to the crows' chatter behind me, the tinkling fountain and the wind rustling through the trees. The sound of almost silence in-between.

My heart is slowly recovering from its recent shock.

27 February 2014

Hell yeah! I am sick to Death of scraping my shit-faced friends out of the gutter and dragging them home. I am NOT your Nurse/Mother/Slave/Taxi Driver/Personal Body Guard/Lover.

Those guilty of abusing my friendship in this way need to get major counselling, join Alcoholics Anonymous and take responsibility for their own lives and own their own shit!

I drink properly! I enjoy my drinking and I make every effort to maintain Control over my nightlife. Every woman for Herself in the pub from now on.

I go out to dance, de-stress, get in the Zone, Heal (by dancing and feeling Free and Happy). I don't go out to be Your Rescuer or your ride home or Drama Dumping Ground.

Real friends don't abuse the privilege of hanging out with me! They enjoy my company and I enjoy theirs.

Be On Notice! I will not take your calls in the night to rescue you or drag you around the City ever again. Life is too short to spend with Selfish Alcoholics.

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This kind of rabble rousing violent obnoxious trashy behaviour is common in Australia. I often have to fight off lunatics and drunks while waiting for the nightlink bus on my weekends out. It's horrifying how the 'security' fail to protect lone females also.

Today my daughter Crystal was bodyslammed on a tram in Melbourne, as she had her suitcase and some horrible woman tried to push Crystal out of her way to leave the tram.

The tram was packed so there was nowhere for Crystal to go. Crystal almost hit her head on a support pole on the tram. She rang me, very shaken.

I am sick of encountering daily abuse and rudeness and violence. I had my own battle today from so-called professionals, mocking me and humiliating me for wanting a script filled for an ongoing condition. This Country has gone to the Dogs and will only get Worse.

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I cannot Believe the Run around I am getting for this medication. The new gp refused to write me an authority without seeing the box. So walked me out to get reception to call my psych to confirm he sighted the medication and wrote the script. Nuts!!!

We had an argument as he said I was illegally demanding a drug! Wtf! I am constantly on it! It's not new! I had a script. From a consultant specialist!

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Awake and Aware! Beware! Lol.

Am at chemist picking up meds. Then will be back home to play with Ramon in the garden!

PS Fucked over by govt. My psych gave me a non authorised script for another medication I needed urgently and couldn't afford to see my GP this week. So the chemist girl made an appt next door at bulk billing drs so I now have to sit around for an appt to get my bloody script! Outrageous.

It's a drug I need daily and it's not something I could get High on and I am livid I am being treated like a Junkie because I am poor on a disability pension!!!

My doctor is not on today and as I am broke and had barely enough money to pay for my medications, I would not have had money upfront to see her anyway!

I Hate, hate seeing new doctors.

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My grandson Ramon The Rare Rabbit is here! We had awesome cuddles after I set up his cage area in my back room. He's been lovely.

I was worried he might sulk about living at grandma's for a few days, but he's been good so far. Tomorrow I will sit with him in the garden and feed him bamboo shoots and read to him. Lovely!

27 February 2013

My incredible Shrink apologized to me. I banged my drum, hit his wall, he accepted that my worst Fear had been triggered.

Overall he's a damn fine Doctor and I do respect a man who knows when he was going wrong and not too proud to say Sorry! So I will keep seeing him. I need to feel Safe, Comfortable and Happy. For as long as I can. He agreed. So all good in Da Hood!

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Off to see The Incredible Shrinking Man. I wish it were The Wizard of Oz cos at least I would know which Smoke and Mirrors I were dealing with.

28 February 2012

So sad and lonely, even though I went out today with Gail, Christina and little Tahylia. Not sure what this foul mood is about but I am into day 3 of major blues.

Perhaps the bailiff arriving at my door last monday has triggered a delayed reaction. Or perhaps I am getting sick? Trying to hold on to my emotions and travel the light and breezy pathways.

Tomorrow I go to debrief with my psych, but really, not sure what there is to debrief? I hate feeling this fragile. Oh well, always tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow.

27 February 2011

Today I bought a brand new Bosch Top Loader washing machine with the immense generosity of an anonymous donor. I am so excited and can't wait for it to be delivered so I can get my mountain of washing done.

I really enjoy washing and drying clothes, like my dear mother of blessed memory. So this will be just fantastic! I'm the luckiest woman in the world!

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Tomorrow is another day! Wake me up when it's over. Hugs all!

27 February 2010

27 February 2009

I loved Crystal's performance in The Tempest as Gonzalo...wtg Crystal...you rock!!!

Copyright Tanya Désirée Arons