Memories: 26 February 2025

26 February 2025

7:41 am. “Slip inside the eye of your mind, don’t you know you might find, a better place to play”. Oasis “Don’t look back in Anger”. The first thoughts drifting through my mind as I wake up. Thank you Great Spirit! Message received loud and clear.

Good morning. Make each day count. My anxiety was immense yesterday. Jarrod and I went to DFO near the Brisbane airport then on to the Antique Guild. My gps AI creature had a djinn in it and sent us on dead ends and roads that I instinctively knew were wrong yet we kept wanting to trust in a machine.

The satellite had lag and by the time I found the antique shop I was bordering on hysteria. The young woman there was so kind. We arrived at 3:40 pm and they close at 4pm so I made some very quick snappy Tanya-type decision making to make my purchases which felt powerful.

Just like the old days when I used to take charge over my own life. When I was less wracked with anxiety (or other times I was so mollycoddled with hefty psych meds I drooled and shuffled but barely made coherent instant synapsing decisions at all).

My anxiety was extreme but I got myself through and got to the store in time and was welcomed and received with kindness. Amazing!

Life is good when you intrepidly forge ahead, no matter what…no matter who, but Mama T will avoid peak traffic next time and go to that lovely shop and have a proper look around and just enjoy being relaxed and easy of mind.

I don’t need to over-cope or over-achieve or prove anything to myself. I can just flow easy and sweet and let life bring down its own gifts to my feet.🙂 Flow, Become, Rise and Shine.

https://youtu.be/cmpRLQZkTb8?si=cOM29kLXZ-5GHBY5 Oasis “Don’t look back in anger”.

…

…

Today is a happy day. I wore my new frock. I have just renewed my drivers licence. Bought some groceries. Success….In small increments…. Is still success. An admin officer in Qld Transport admired my howlite pendant. She was well impressed when I told her I made it myself.

Mama T aka “The Tanya” is a Universal Schmuck no more. It’s taken me eons to get to this place. I just need to keep forging ahead…make some more lovely pieces. It’s self esteem building, a confidence boost and…courageous. Never letting the bastards grind me down has finally opened up new potentiates in my psyche. Fun!

…

Spoon bowls sawed off, ends ground. Now some flattening then bending in order. Yayyy! #titaniasrealm #spoonrings #sterlingsilver #antiquesterlingsilverspoons #Gorham #KingEdward #AlvinBridalBouquet

“I would walk 500 miles…” gnarly toes and all. :-)

26 February 2023

10:31 pm. I had a lovely day today. Robyn, Peter and little Jayden and Michaela visited and brought us apple pies with whipped cream that had chunks of chocolate in it. Delicious!

I just finished off the last two apple pies for a very late dinner as I have finally stopped polishing my newly cast Yoda which I cast in Sterling silver.

After Robyn and her family left, a young man arrived to buy my mother’s old fur coat that I have had such difficulty in selling. He bought it for a costume to wear at a bush doof music festival in Melbourne.

Then late in the afternoon I took my torch and the gas bottles outside to my soldering station and managed to light the torch and melt the silver. But the canister that holds the mould started melting, as the canister fell apart so the molten silver flowed everywhere! So I had to start from scratch, remake the delft clay mould, this time I clamped it down with a g clamp.

Then for some odd reason the silver refused to melt and it took me hours to achieve. The sun went down and I started to panick that I was wasting my time and it was going to be another epic fail…but I persevered and eventually the silver melted and I poured it triumphantly and gleefully into the mould. Perfect!

…

7:21 am. Yesterday I slept until 12:27 pm. Today…less than three hours sleep. My mind would not shut down. It was like being melted in an incinerator….a slow burning rubber. Now I feel brittle and discombobulated.

Robyn and Peter are coming to visit for morning tea at 10 am (I realised during my insomniac firestorm that it’s Robyn’s birthday!) They are bringing Robyn’s grandchildren for a visit.

Then at noon some dude is coming to try on the fur coat which I hope sells!

So sleepless Mama T with her defragmenting brain will be needing to watch her p’s and q’s and dance in her small corner of barely synapsing hell.

I should have gone dancing again last night. That would have killed me enough to slay me into moribund unconsciousness. But my poor old body won’t let me…kill it.

It continues to exist whether I sleep or not. Can we say…Zombie?!

26 February 2021

I have been pushing myself hard in recent days (weeks). In addition to my Facebook statuses and YouTube channel, I have been putting myself out on a limb with “My Spiritual Circle” podcast on Anchor and Spotify.

I have finally embraced the modern technological age even though to be fair I am not very good at podcasting.

But I am trying...sharing my life with 7 billion humans and however many non-human entities might be listening from the Ether.

I am no longer afraid to make a fool of myself or express my authentic truth. No longer afraid to fail as in the words of Quentin Crisp “failure is my style” and I am upstyling/upgrading/evolving past all Societal morés and a bitter cynicism and abject horror.

I have hope for my future even if I cannot quite monetise or grasp it yet... but in the Eternal now ...I am Enough!

I am healthy, wealthy, truly loved, cherished, valued and protected. I am safe and from that space of equanimity bursts forth creativity and growth: blossoming in all paradigms!

Yayyyy.... well...it’s my manifestation so I must allow the Multiverses to hear me/see me and take me seriously enough to grant my highest ideals and visions.

It’s 3:38 am...so time for psychedelic dreamer sweetheart lunatic to dream ever more magnificently until the time comes when the dreams are reality and I have achieved all the things I most desired in this incarnation: with harm to none, let it be done.

Blessèd be, my beautiful fellow earth travellers, my angels and my loves.

The Tanya is Becoming!

26 February 2020

26 February 2019

…

@ Garden City. I feel triggered and exhausted but pushed myself to go the shops. I bought 2 pillows and mattress protector. So that is one base covered. I need to go to Woolies for a few food items. I abhor supermarkets. Not in the mood for it at all. But I need tea and some pumpkin to cook with my roast chicken later.

Garbo is so big it is overwhelming. I will get what I need and get back home ASAP. I don’t feel right.

On a happy note I found a rebounder on the kerbside collection on my drive out here. So that will make a good pet bed in the garden. Just need a cushion for it. The universe has provided well. Grateful woman 🙂.

…

I have felt very triggered today. Trying to buy food was impossibly hard. I ended by disassociating in both woolies and Aldi and had to get home as I felt very unwell.

I am glad Pell has been found guilty though. I hope his appeal is quashed.

I am home safe. I am loved. I am safe but my head feels like cotton wool and a thousand tiny spiders are eating my brains. What else can a zombie child sexual abuse survivor expect from life? Don’t answer that. It was a rhetorical question.

…

Not feeling well today. I wanted to go to the shops but really can’t be bothered. I might rest today. Everything can wait. I have been pushing myself too hard, like the Mustang Kwe that I am.

I just got caught in a lovely shower of rain. Refreshing!

26 February 2018

We are sitting outside by candlelight, drinking cold chateau de eau, listening to Paul Simon, watching an electric storm gathering about us. Formidable! Fabulous!

26 February 2017

Beauregard made friends with a little Jack Russel named Rusty. Rusty doesn't like entire dogs usually. Beau abhors most other dogs and can be quite savage.

So it was with much consternation when I lost focus and let go of his leash so he marched on down to the river to meet Rusty. I bolted after him but they were fine. They actually enjoyed playing together. Phew. Rusty's owner, named Vikki was very nice and said she was surprised Rusty played with an undesexed dog.

Then I observed a storm blowing in from the north so headed home. Nothing happening here. Damn. I was hoping for rain.

So now I am making banana bread in my bread machine from the lady fingers from my garden! Lovely! I hope it turns out!

…

It is beautiful by the river but so very quiet. The only sounds are the waves gently lapping the pontoon when the occasional boat or jet ski goes by.

Almost feels like we are the only living beings left on the planet. Twilight Zone! Lmao!

…

9.56 am finally awake, and out of bed ready to greet the day.

I am planning to have a shower, then drive to West End and take my Beau for a long walk along the river. lol

I missed out on dancing last night due to exhaustion but there is no reason why my dog must suffer. If I get too tired we can always sit by the river and watch the world go by.

I got no money but I got petrol. No lover but a being that loves me unconditionally even if he thinks I am annoying sometimes. Four legged ones do not care if you are isolated, ignored, rejected or abandoned or betrayed. They love you anyway.

So off we go on an adventure. If I had a bit more cash I would have taken myself and my dog to Byron. But schmeh. It is always something to yearn for. Money/Love and luck.

In the meantime I manufacture my own happiness from a fractured life. Spiritual gold welding the cracks of my existence together with light, hope, blessing and trust in myself that even though I am often alone, I am loved by invisible beings that brought me to this place of healing, knowledge and peace.

…

Feeling utterly exhausted. After all that sleep yesterday! Bloody Bollocking time-fighting space bandit oxygen thief Tanya is killing me.

At least I had a nice morning with the Beau. Just need to rest and accept my body is clambering on the craggy downward track to oblivion.

Hopefully when my tooth is completed with the root canal bs, I will feel better.

…

Wow. I went to sleep at 6 am Saturday morning. Woke up at 2 pm. Then went back to bed at 7.30 pm finally fell asleep at 9. Woke up at 2 am Sunday morning. Facebooked for a while. Then passed out again.

Now awake at 6 am. About 15 hours sleep. I really needed to reset and restore my brain too.

Beautiful morning! Last night was first time I slept without a fan blasting air at me and blearing noisily in my ears. Blissful to have a cooler night at last.

Thank you God. This was the worst summer for me with all the tooth pain, bad health, poverty blues, and stinking excessive heatwaves. I almost didn't survive it.

I hope I have turned a corner and I will be able to improve again.

I lost Mushu. He hasn't come in 5 days. Very sad but hopefully he has found a better life for himself as cats do.

I still feel a bit weary so I might have another snooze. The air is fresh and cool and it tickles my skin so luxuriously. I might as well lie here and enjoy it.

26 February 2016

Sitting in my garden, sanding back these wooden planks. I put some glow in the dark resin in the carving but it went all lumpy and set too quick. So this is as good as it gets.

I will varnish them later. Then put the home-made paper in and it will be my book of shadows. (Or a photo album? Haven't decided yet). I am in some stomach pain but after taking some Gaviscon I have burping less.

Time to recover from the shock and broken heart and the pain of my entire life hanging like a musty Hag over my head. Thank god for Seroquel which knocks me out. I had interesting dreams too.

I did once beg God to kill me if I ever fell in love with another monstrous psychopath named David. I knew I could not survive another broken love affair that was emotionally destructive.

So here I sit. Azrael is crooking his finger at me, leading me in one of our tangoes! Hurry up, you prick. It's enough already.

Update 26 February 2025: I am glad Azrael didn’t take me…yet. I have so much life to still look forward to..so much potential…so much love and joy…even without a loving sexual partner. At almost 60 I have survived so much that most things no longer faze me. Happy grateful woman here.

…

Very ill again today. Bad acid reflux burning into my stomach. Really upset myself. Drinking a whole bottle of wine with the extra Seroquel, which barely made me tipsy as was so distressed has caused acid reflux.

I have been drinking heaps of water and no more wine yesterday but the stomach is still reactive. Oh well.

I am sleeping heaps and will get through this new bout of physical/emotional pain. Life goes on. And on. Until one day it doesn't. That will be such a relief.

26 February 2015

Friends come and friends go, but always the truth remains. I fall on my sword, bloodied, accused of insanity, insulted, degraded, scapegoated. Tonight I pulled out the axe and I offered it back to that community.

It was never my wound, or my axe. They can Own it back. They can Deny, Betray, Lie, Undermine, but OWN it. I know there are those whom know I always speak the truth, and I have harmed no one except by standing up for the truth and the protection of others.

Either Walk Beside me in truth and honour, or leave my life. I have no time for Fake friends anymore. I am DONE. Too much damage and harm has been done to me and mine. The repercussions which have led to a never-ending cascade of trauma.

I could shut up and Die, Lie down again, and sleep the sleep of the Undead and one whom is silenced and shamed and disgraced for no good reason other than evil wants the good and kind to die.

But I won't. I'm stubborn like that. I KNOW better. I always knew there was as much good in the world as there is evil, even in my community.

I believe in Good People. Genuine People. I know they are out there. I know what we fight for. I know what it has cost us all.

…

Welcome to Queensland, The sunshine state. Home to corruption, cowardice and government sponsored Genocide. They don't support traumatised women and/or our children. In fact they Hope we eventually kill ourselves to save Abbot's budget on Disability Pensions.

They actively support pubs and clubs who persecute the few women who dare to try to enjoy their lives by dancing and socialising! Treat us like Sluts and whores, sell us drinks then humiliate us at our own expense. No honour! No Integrity. Just putrid harassment.

When a lone woman such as myself says No to being raped, brutalised and humiliated, she is told "Too Complex" Too hard. Too much.

This isn't just happening to me. I am the one who stood up to be Counted. As an equal, as a human being.

Irish Murphys is Evil. They know I know it. I hope more women come forward and more women fight. Oh wait. We are "too complex". Too unimportant. Too demanding of Justice.

She who must be ignored, vilified, harassed and sold down the river! She has many Faces. She is you and me. Get up Women! Take a Stand.

…

Irish Murphys wins. Anti-Discrimination says the case is too complex which is a polite way of saying , Women are too annoying and we don't support you. I did Nothing Wrong but the State conveniently scapegoats me...again.

It's a Man's World and they know I can't afford a Civil Court Case. Fuck them! Fuck fuck the Fuckers!

So Irish Murphys gets away with abusing women and telling us after gigs to get fucked in the pussy. Allowing us to be bashed, sexually assaulted and sell us drinks so they can degrade and humiliate us.

What a bunch of Mofos. Unbelievable.

On a happier note, the woman who took it upon herself from the pub and casino to stalk and harass me by telecommunications is being charged.

For the first time ever the police are taking action on my behalf. Too little, very late and I had to fight even to be heard but this is something positive at last.

26 February 2014

I wish I had a nice bottle of wine right now, or some JD in the house. I am missing my Bella and Zulu. I moved my laptop and for some reason moved my feet out of the way of the spot she used to sleep in under my couch.

It was a moment as if she were still alive, at my feet. Then I realised it was my shoes, and I felt so empty without her. Meanwhile Miss Penny is sitting on the arm of the modular lounge, watching me type this and purring. I am lucky to still have her, at least.

Tonight when I got home from Crystal's place, I had the car door open and was perusing FB or something on my iphone. Penny climbed in the car, walked over me on the drivers seat, sat under the front passenger seat and sniffed and looked at me, said "Meow" then clambered out again. She loves cars, as long as the engine is not on. Strange little cat.

…

Woke up at 4.30 pm. Had to take 50 mgs of Seroquel to get to sleep as I was body fatigued but my brain was chugging on without me. I hate when that happens. This just after I told my doctor that I took myself off Seroquel and only need it to settle me to sleep! Lol. He said I am mid-cycle in my mood patterns so he was right...again! Clever man!

I slept from 7 am so well-rested. Now a tad euphoric, so dressed, watering the garden, helped Crystal with her Received English accent for an audition. It was funny being a pom for a half hour. Hers is better than mine, naturally!

Life is good. I am hungry though. I am driving to Crystal's to pick up Ramon as I am Grandson Bunny sitting for four days. We shall have super fun!! Tallyho , old chaps and girls!

…

Not sleeping. So popped some Seroquel to settle my mind. I dictated some notes on my iphone. Really cool except it doesn't understand my accent so I have to edit as I go.

26 February 2012

I was too depressed to stay on my own today. So Lyn came, picked me up, took me back to her place for company and a lovely swim then drove me home again. It is much appreciated!

26 February 2010

Thank you to all my lovely friends for your tender love, concern and support. You all have given me much strength in my time of trial. xxx

…

I am happy to report that my elder sister Angela arrived at 7 am this morning from NZ to offer some support for this dreadful time. We visited Mum together which was of course hard for Angela as she has not seen the gradual decline as I have. Mum's been given 10-12 days or up to 3 weeks to live. I am praying that Hashem shows her His Infinite Mercy and takes her earlier. Nothing to do now but wait.

Copyright Tanya Désirée Arons