Memories: 21 February 2025

21 February 2025

7:15 am. Good morning. Happy Friday. Do what you love. Be whom you love. Hold your line!

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Yippy Yi Yo! Be ready, Brooklyn Standard and Alter Egos. Mama T is putting in an appearance! Soon!

21 February 2023

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I just walked Bobo and Charley. A woman with her teenage daughter pulled her car in, in front of me on Cavendish Road. They called out to me. The woman said she saw me walking along the road and she was hoping I was going in this direction as she wanted a closer look at Charley.

She said her father raised birds too. She said it’s obvious that I love her and give her so much freedom and it’s very cool that I take her on a stick with me for our walks.

How delightful! Charley is getting a little bit famous!

The funny thing is that I don’t usually walk that circuit but Beauregard insisted we walk through the edge of the forest and past the dog park which meant we walk along that part of Cavendish Road.

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The day started out grey and overcast and looked like it might rain. But instead the heat intensified as the hours flew by.

I went out to Total Tools to buy the oxygen tank for my silversmithing. They didn’t have any in stock (which was weird as it was available online). I have to go back on Thursday when their shipment comes in.

So I drove to Bunnings at Cannon Hill and bought an 8.5 kilo lpg gas bottle. That should last me a long while. It was very heavy!

I also bought the firebricks I have been obsessing over. So now I can set up my outside soldering station.

I just need the oxygen tank then I can set up my Smith Little torch and start casting and soldering and annealing with it.

I am anxious but also excited. Things are starting to move forwards in my silversmithing journey.

I just need to buy more sterling silver sheet and wire and fine silver bezel strips. Then create…create…create!

21 February 2021

1:33 am. Haha I woke up at exactly 1:11 am with my usual nocturnal urge to pee. Got up for my brief ablutions. Shuffled into the dark kitchen and poured myself half a glass of water. Belched with my reflux so felt gassy and thirsty. Shuffled back to bed. Now wide awake from my interrupted by physical malaise, dreaming!

But thank you Angels for a working bladder even if it is getting defunct again. Blech! I dread another surgery so time for more Kegels ...bitches. But yes...the greatest gift in the world is fully operational Sphincter muscles.

Including diaphragms, the gall bladder (I no longer have the bladder and other things that must open and close on cue (as in the opening to the stomach!) It was even forecast in my horoscope that I would have difficulties with my sphincter muscles, including difficulty with childbirth.

I don’t sport a cervix anymore either, that was excised along with my uterus which was another flagging non-compliant organ.

So here we are: alive in the psychedelic dreaming...squeezing and pushing every tiny fractalised moment of my life that was fractured and tormented for no good reason to the point even my body refuses to function normally. My infamous Defiance is killing me but I will ride that Mustang to the grateful end.

It’s a slow trot through the shadowlands instead of a victorious galloping insurgent calamitous Delight.

But I am all right... I got this! This current difficulty will pass. Everything passes...it might feel like it won’t but it does.

Hold on, hold true. Keep your eyes on the horizon. Horses with no name and riders in the storm...ride!

21 February 2020

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Today I am going to immerse myself in great beauty, love and positivity. Stave off the ugliness that encroaches from outside my door. Light up my own life and blaze like a Catherine wheel.

Every day of my life I have fought for true love, honour and survival. Thriving is my modus operandi. I thrive by standing naked and sacred in my truth. By smiling into the Void. By climbing my stairway to Heaven. (I might slip a few rungs because of my inappropriate shoes, and the Devil playing the blues...but I keep getting back up that Jacob’s ladder to Nowhere! Yes I do! :-)

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1:33 am. Going out of my mind...the skin cancer blisters are so itchy, especially on my back. I want to tear my own skin off. Not a pleasant feeling. This on top of the earaches I have been experiencing. I am just reminding myself constantly that I am healing.

Even Miss Penny is getting annoyed as I keep waking her up with my itchy restlessness. I am so tired. I forgot it was going to feel this bad. Last time it was only two spots. This time 12! Gahhh. This is my punishment for living in a sunburnt country with skin the colour of milk. Dammit.

But yes... I can get through this (until the next time my skin grows cancers). I have gotten through surgeries and other traumas. It’s just skin! FFS.

Tomorrow is gonna be a happy day (I mean ...later today!) I will sleep now. Try not to think about the itchiness. Dream of perfect health and true love (a nice distraction - alas no one wants a woman who has been pockmarked by Fate!). Hahahaha. It’s okay though. I am still awesome. In my own absurdist way.

Feckless freckles will betray me and sunlight will slay me and unrequited loves will flay me and glitching matrices will fray me, false loves will play me but Mama T will rise and shine... again. Or Sashay away. Scratchy and itchy and menopausal Bitchy, Sleepy insomniac blues, and looney tunes.

Sleep the sleep of the just and the gabbling incoherent. Incongruent corpulent nonsense. Blah!

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(See File Photo)

My beautiful piece of “Home” arrived from Aotearoa. I may never go back to NZ but I will keep this beside my bed as a reminder of Island Bay and some of the more beautiful aspects of my childhood. Thank all the gods for the beach that literally comforted me and soothed me and saved my life!

21 February 2017

3.08 am. 3hours sleep. Now wide awake for 1 and a half hours. Hypermanic from epic dancing on the weekend. Overstimulated my brain. I can't switch off my mind. Annoying but on the other hand it is nice to inhabit a body with a mind so crystal clear.

This is the time of night I should just write but I am actually exhausted. It is a very strange sensation. Supercharged mind but exhausted all at the same time.

I will just lie here and rest and let the thoughts flow out of me like a sieve. Sleep will come when I am ready.

22 February 2016

21 February 2016

Trigger warning: domestic violence, drug references, threats of homicide.

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I wish I had known about the beneficial effects of cannabis as a teenager. My stoner friends refused to give me any of their cannabis as they stated "It will not be good for your personality".

Thereby they all knew or sensed that I had trauma issues and in fact needed the cannabis more than they did. I know they thought they were protecting my mind. So I bear no grudges.

I didn't smoke cannabis for the first time until I was 36. Then not again until I was 40, then I had an complete breakdown under the influence, convinced my new boyfriend at the time was trying to kill me (paranoid episode).

It was not until 5 years later when his friend threatened to cut my head off with an ornamental samurai sword that I finally accepted that he was in fact, hoping to kill me.

He had also kept a knuckle duster in his bedroom which his mother stole and hid from him as he had told her that one night, while I slept over, he might just smash my face in with it.

I am writing this and trying not to laugh. Mainly because it seems so ridiculously surreal but it happens to be the truth. He went berserk and accused me of stealing the knuckle duster. I had to protect his mother (who in turn took it to protect me). I just said "Quit your whining, you can make another one" He said, "But it takes a week to make". I just said "Well you got time" What an idiot.

I phoned him recently, out of some nostalgic curiousity. All he could say was he wanted me to remove the knife out of the voodoo doll I had of him. Over and over again. (one of his drug-fucked mental loops, poor guy!)

I said "I have not made a voodoo doll of you, but you know, what an excellent idea! But your life is shit because you do too many drugs, drink too much, and hang with awful human beings. Your life is shit by your own choices and has nothing to do with me, but you know, good luck with that". Karma really is an Almighty Bitch.

I would have schadenfreude but I suffer for everyone else's karma (or perhaps my own karma from previous lives??? You know perhaps as King Henry 8th since I am denied real love in this life?)

So Karma has run over my dogma and I am sick to death of all the bullshit of my entire life and the only thing that keeps me alive, is my warped interesting sense of humour, my advocating for other survivors, and my dream of a better saner existence.

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6.50 pm. Back from the dog park. Beauregard had a fabulous time and made some very nice canine friends. He is not frightened anymore, like on his first visit. So many other puppies to play with.

I was exhausted from dancing last night so I sat on the ground and a very sweet Staffie called Luna who was on her first visit, claimed me and sat on my lap. She preferred my lap to playing with the other dogs. Dear sweet thing. Staffies are not my favourite breed but she was very protective, loving and delightful.

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I woke up at 2.17 pm. So did Bobo. I was exhausted from my dancing. It is a lovely windy afternoon. I have been Facebooking outside in the garden. In my sarong. Time to get dressed and take my Beau to the dog park.

21 February 2015

7.24 am haven't slept yet. Pain in foot is too annoying. Damn! I am really tired too. Been up all night. Cleaned the bathroom. Changed the sheets on my bed. Chatted on Paltalk, watched a movie. Now been lying next to Penny striving for sleep.

It's still raining. I already let the chooks out and fed the fish.

Oh well! Sleep will come when I allow it.

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Snake gone. I have had a shower and cleaned the bathroom.

Now going to drink some cheap wine and marvel at the mojo (sexual energy) that tried to take up residence at my house. Hmmm, a carpet snake. At least it wasn't a carpet muncher!

21 February 2014

Just snapped my back while flushing the worm farm, and my hand hurts, farrrrkkkkkk! Oh well, heavy pain killers here we go!

The garden looks nice! Positivity rules!

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Another hot day in Paradise! Who am I to complain? I migrated to this place 25 years ago for the heat, the aromatic summer scents (not the stench of BO) and for the easy living.

I wish I had money so I could get out of this shithole occasionally, and travel Australia and perhaps even the World. I feel stymied and limited. I have to remember my vision when I came here was, to be Free, to be successful and to own my own home with a swimming pool.

Well I lost all that, but I am still free...to make my own choices and to heal and to live long and prosper, eventually...if I heal. Hahaha. Nothing in Life is simple but the healing is well underway, and who knows what treats lie ahead for me to discover? I hope I see them in time to recognise the good stuff ahead.

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2.45 am Just got home from a Thursday night out. Don't ask! It was a good idea based on my optimistic excited mood at the time. Now home feeling just as disgruntled as I felt before the happy vibe to jive kicked in.

Awww, oh well, there is always tomorrow night. I will have to think carefully about not going out when I am feeling hopeful and kinda vulnerable. It never serves me well. Psychedelic Dreamer sighs!!!! PSY sighs)

Positives from tonight were: my gorgeous talented and hardworking Daughter bought me a lovely dinner at Jackpot Noodles and as she has the car, will be bringing me pie from Yatala for tomorrow night's dinner. Yayy!

Jabba played wonderfully and I was happy to dance for Sol, Nathan and David. I got to dance with my friend Ron and his gf Chrissy for a while.

I could have scored Beavis but alas the man in question motioned to me to come to sit with him like I am some dog and my young maori security guard who watches over me just laughed and shook his head.

I went over to him, and said, “You know, you are right! When I was a girl, a gentleman who was interested in a lady came up to her! Woof Woof!” So we both laughed. I was bemused so I got up and danced by myself as per usual. I am not a dog and I don't run to some man's beck and call.

When will men ever learn how to behave around me??? It's rather tiresome!

21 February 2013

Weird freaky visit to GP. I had to fight to get her to sign my medical certificate for my Drivers License as she says I have to have another Sleep Study and if I don't get treatment for my Sleep Apnoea she will have to take my license under new govt guidelines.

This fucking Police State is starting to scare me. I begged her to sign me off as I never drive tired or for longer than 3 hours a day. Ie Use my common sense! But she still is sending me for sleep study to see if I am worse or better.

Two weeks ago it was my shrink threatening me with hospital as I had a "manic edge". Which I categorically DO NOT!!! I am just happy for first time in my life after all the evil bastards either died or got what they wanted from my pound of flesh!

Now as well as my sanity they want to take my car away from me!!! When I only just got one 5 months ago!!!

(excuse my persecution syndrome... But I remember a certain Dr Mengele who happily served the Nazi Party to torture and experiment on innocents, took their freedom, lives from them). Government sponsored Genocide and Oppression is still happening! Fuck That Shit!

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I woke up, breathing albeit after only 5 hours deep sleep, insomnia from 3 am grrr. A good day! Still alive, still kicking!

21 February 2012

I had a lovely day. Lyn took me to Capalaba to Golden Circle and Aldi so I could buy food. We went out with little Aahliya who is a delight. Then another friend I know from Paltalk, Julie came over and we hung out and made a suncatcher.

21 February 2011

What's on my mind is the complete and utter callousness of my former lover, to get a 'henchman' to inform me of the other woman. Low grade that, so low grade. As if I didn't know all along, by his degrading behaviour.

Oh well, note to self, never never allow a man to destroy me so childishly, utterly cowardly and so sadisticly again. I'd rather be dead.

Copyright Tanya Désirée Arons