Memories: 19 January 2025

19 January 2025

8:42 am. Here we go! Another day in “Paradise”! Another good result. I slept better. Deeper. Hopefully will feel more grounded today as my mood states were all over the place yesterday. Nothing too worrisome but showed me that I am still metamorphosing and a bit fragile from exhaustion.

Coming back to full equilibrium might take a while. I got slammed with lots of triggering yesterday morning on the topic of child sexual abuse. I responded to an article about Alice Munro, the Canadian author who failed to protect her daughter Andrea from her husband. Sick and evil.

So many commenters were spiritual bypassing and protecting the perpetrator and his enabler Alice. Even more sickness and evil piled on top of the original crimes against her child.

So yeah…humans suck…but not all humans. There are a few rare birds with courage and decency who, even though we have suffered immensely and are barely tethered to this earth or our corrupt perverted poisoned global societies…still keep fighting for honour, truth, safety and basic human kindness.

We fight with words, with energy, even in my case, with my weird shamanic dance. We fight with love for those who had no chance at all, with love for those who suicided because they were never loved or protected, or treated with decency as children.

With love for those who were betrayed by their own bloodlines in infancy and in adulthood, bullied and Othered in schools, in religious organisations, in university, in workplaces. Cast aside and left to die.

Well MOTHERFUCKERS…We didn’t die. Somehow the gods decreed we remain here! To experience at long last… our beautiful life. With beautiful genuine loving people cheering us on, motivating us to live out our lives in peace, in equanimity, in freedom and if this cpap therapy works for me…in better health. (Gasp!) it’s my “work”, my destiny…to get through this life. Better not bitter!

To be loved, to love back. Wholly, courageously, fiercely. But to NEVER EVER allow or suffer fools or evil putrescent dirty motherfuckers to EVER diminish my life, my light, my body/mind/spirit ever ever again.

Almost 60 years of that. Is Enough! QUITE QUITE ENOUGH.

…

I gave my friend “Mr Crow” one of my chips. So he had the two last chips and now is lovingly stalking me and Charlie in the birdy num numb bum hope that there will be more! Awww. He’s one of my favourite wild bird visitors to Sacred Space but no more chips. Still we are rather enjoying each other’s company.

Peace in my garden, wind blowing through the trees, my black bamboo rattling, sunshine in our feathers and my hair. Joy and delight!

…

It’s been a difficult day. I spent a large part of it melting silver. The silver clay wouldn’t melt. Not for several attempts. Too many binders in it, no doubt. I won’t ever bother with that again. It caused me hours of anxiety and grief and frustration.

I used mapp gas. Then when that ran out, went to use my new smith little torch that I am still a bit scared of. lol.

I tried melting some old silver clasps I had cut up and removed the springs. (Which took several hours). No dice. Then I realised the flame was not hot enough. Ie I was not getting the right flame on my rosebud torch attachment.

Then I realised it was covered in soot. Oh oh. I checked my oxygen tank. Hardly any oxygen left in the bottle.

So tomorrow (or soonish) I need to swap that bottle over at a cost of $89. Damn it.

So I had another bottle of mapp gas…in my typical enraged Tanya Tantrum defiance I went back out to my outdoor soldering station and attempted to melt the silver again.

This time for some odd reason…although it took a long time…it worked. Arghhhhh. I just want to go foetal right now…but success after an entire day of failure. It’s nuts that it didn’t work until late evening. (I started around midday!)

This hobby is kinda killing me…but I will persevere. To what end? Only the gods can say! lol

Note: the discoloured Ingots are .835 silver made from the melted catches. The last of the pendants left from my inheritance. Hopefully I can still make something lovely from them. Clean up on Aisle 59. Mama T breakdown ensuing. lol

19 January 2024

Hair done for my Friday night out dancing. Got the script filled for my bladder. The side effects are utterly terrifying. I hope I don’t get them.

…

Shabbat Shalom. Driving back in the late afternoon from the pharmacy I observed a strange cloud formation which looked like the Eye of Horus or like a ufo with its landing gear down. I couldn’t take a photo as I was stopped at a red light and feared the cameras that track drivers using their phones.

So instead we have this beautiful sunset. Rain is forecast for tonight at 11 pm (when I go dancing) so I will need to schlep an umbrella again. Hohum!

…

https://www.facebook.com/share/r/fZDiZdWRbadZg9D6/?mibextid=WC7FNe

https://www.facebook.com/share/r/b4SnkdDPhQRW6huQ/?mibextid=WC7FNe

19 January 2023

I see Baby Castro’s NZ comrade in arms has resigned after enforcing an untested experimental medication on the NZ population. Claiming she lacks energy to carry on. Nice. Poisoned several generations in one go then quits while she’s ahead. Evil personified.

Vile!

…

Today I saw a new gp. I gave him my letter of introduction from my psychiatrist. I didn’t get a check up on my bladder as it seems a bit better. But I brought in my form for a medical certificate for my drivers license. (Which needs to be done every two years. Grrr!)

I also got scripts for ventolin and seretide for the next time my lungs fail me.

Hopefully life will run smoothly for me for a long while.

I am looking forward to dancing tomorrrow night. The exercise is good for me!

19 January 2022

…

1:11 am 19 January 2022. Make a wish!

19 January 2021

I had a lovely day today. Lyn visited then later on, Crystal surprised me with a visit.

Lyn and I were reading a faery story out of a book I sorta inherited when I was 13 years old when my elderly Scottish neighbour Mrs Walker died. I gathered the book out of a skip bin as I could not bear to see it be thrown out.

I told the story to Lyn how Mrs Walker had never actually liked me and how I used to scramble down the flax bushes beside our shed which meant I landed in her garden (when I was 7!). She wore a long silvery braid that reached her knees and would sometimes tie her braided hair under a leather belt she wore.

Whenever she saw me land in that corner of her garden, she would yell out “Get out of my garden, you nasty rotten smelly infant”. I would just roll my eyes, dust myself off and leave immediately. She never hit me but would mutter under her breath.

She had some form of dementia and genuinely believed my mad arsehole parents were Marilyn Monroe and Arthur Millar. She had no frame of reference for their child (Marilyn Monroe never had children!!) so she saw me as some kind of pest or interloper.

Anyway imagine my surprise when I opened the ancient book (its 121 years old) to discover it was gifted to Mrs Walker by her brother James in 1900 and her maiden name was Euphemia Dunbar Anderson!

A relation!!! As my Scottish forebears on my grandmother Connie’s line were Andersons. Funny.

I told Lyn that, as the book is starting to disintegrate we should read each other a story every time she visits and she asked if I would gift it to her when I die? I said “why wait until I die?!” We shall enjoy the stories now and when I have done reading them...I shall gift it to you!

So there we were reading beautifully to each other the very same story “Prince Chaffinch” that we had both independantly opened the book to! A sign!

It was lovely, sitting in the garden,with the breezes, the dog and bird playing at my feet!

Crystal has gone to pick up Grilled burgers for our dinner.

A perfect day!

Thank you Angels, friends and my daughter and pets for another gorgeous day. Hallelujah!

…

19 January 2020

Jarrod and I went to the Lifeline book festival today. I was, in particular, searching for books of famous artists or other unusual quirky materials for my decoupage projects.

Jarrod found the semi-erotic photography magazines called Black and White that are no longer in print and hard to find. When he brought one of them over to me I sighed almost orgasmically with happiness (two big sighs! Lol!) as I have been searching for them for several years.

I looked up to see a good looking younger man in his mid-30s almost laughing, as he had overheard my loud sighs of delight (and totally misinterpreted them!) He grinned back at me and I gave him my mad grin when I realise I have been caught out being “human” and “womanly” but also mischievously, childlike.

But to cover my increasing embarrassment I called out to Jarrod in a much deeper voice “Well, Jarrod, are there any more where that came from?” He replied, from about 6 metres away “We’ve hit the motherlode!” I replied, voice deeper still “Ahh yes, good work. You are clever!”

Jarrod returns to my side with 10 or 12 black and white magazines while several men hovered just out of my line of vision. One woman joined them, wanting to see what my precious haul was! But um no...Mama T guarded those books like Cerberus at the gates of hell.

I even leaned my Hobbit body over them to protect them from their greedy gaze. It was hilarious. Really quite insanely hilarious.

I also bought a lovely Frida Kahlo art book which will be great for decoupage too.

So then Jarrod helped me carry my hoard of rather heavy books around the rest of the convention centre. Oy! Thanks Jarrod!

I bought a Franz Kafka book in the cheaper ($2:50) section. Crystal had performed as the mother in the play adaptation of Metamorphosis some years ago, so I decided it would be lovely to read his actual Stories.

I have had another lovely day, although it was devilishly humid all day and night and my asthma played havoc. In the evening Jarrod and I watched Van Helsing, the Netflix series. It is rather good.

…

…

Tonight’s gift from Sacred Space. My first Raspberry tiger Brindebella Rose of the season. The plant itself has barely clung to life for many months but here it is.

A blooming in the sultry summer heat after the last few days of soothing rain. Life always, always finds a way. Little miracles...and big miracles happen every day 🙂

I said a schehecheyanu (blessing for first fruits/blossoms of the season).

19 January 2018

Ahhh sleep. That healing serenity of somnolence that wrote off my 20s, 30s and most of my 40s. Now it’s like chasing water down a gurgling drain. Diving deep only to resurface every 1 and a half hours into full consciousness.

Hypomania and menopause and anxiety are such bitches. Creaking croaking cackling Hags.

Zzzzzz, say what? Alive or dead, this zombie needs her rest. Be back later.

…

Sleep ... sweet denial...sweet dmt relief. What is psychedelic Dreamer without her subterranean surge? A fetid feral angry purger of purgatory.

Oh well. Clean house. Clean mind. Blech!

3.38 am. Still awake. Mild dozing but no mental resisting from racing thoughts and psycho-babble.

I took a Valium an hour ago, thinking it might help me fall into a deeper sleep. Alas, No! Unusual, as Valium is very sedating.

I guess it’s just another cosmic shift.

I would get up and make poffertje mix for later today but my feet are hurting and my body is enjoying its supine state, even if my brain won’t quit moshing in the pit.

I hope I don’t get all crazy and over-stimulated when the family arrives at 1pm. Poor Mark has never met this version of The Tanya who hyperbolates and extrapolates and can’t stop talking when she is exhausted.

19 January 2017

I am still in a lot of pain so am living on codeine. Grrrr. Today I woke up and all my teeth hurt. Not like chewing glass but dull pinching aches. Anyway. Exhausted.

I try to remain positive about myself and my future. So will add a picture of my dog!

We are sitting on the grass, letting the wind blow through our hair/fur and grounding my sickness into the earth. I finally got out of bed as I needed fresh air and sunlight and to feel like I belong in this world.

Beauregard loves his new ball. He still managed to crush the crunchy plastic inside but has not destroyed the outer ball yet. We played fetch for a while (from my position sitting on the grass).

He leapt up to catch the ball and did little inelegant pirouettes of delight. So that brightened up my somewhat dismal day. I am too sick to take him for a walk but he loves chasing the ball and teasing me by not bringing it back in arms reach. But as soon as he realised I was happy to read my book he brought the ball closer. Funny guy.

…

Fucking techno music played at the Treasury Casino makes me look like Lurch, Only more homicidal!

…

The large tapestry just fell off the wall and snapped the TV cord. It gave me a helluva fright. The cord still works but is now a bit dodgy.

I am not having a good run with electronics (one of the cats pissed inside my printer last week so I had to throw out a hardly used printer).

It is weird as I have been staring at that tapestry for weeks now thinking about taking it down. So it fell down Instead.

Rachel Walsh: Ya poor darlin'... Sure hope the wind changes and things start looking 🆙 🌈💗🙌💞😇

Me: There's a cool wind gonna blow. Mama T just hanging on for the changes.

Margaret Jakovac: Ay yay yay ... not good. Glad you weren't near it to be part of the damage/injury! Yikes.

19 January 2016

Today at the food bank I met a Ukrainian woman. She was with her Aussie friend who had lots of advice for me to access other charities. The Russian woman spoke very little, because of her poor English. But she took one look at my Slavic face and there was an instant connection.

When the guy organising the food asked my name, and I replied "Tanya" she murmured in recognition, Tanya. I pronounce my name the NZ/Russian way. I nodded and smiled. She could have been my older sister. We looked very similar!

I asked her how long she had been here. She said 8 years. I asked if she liked it here in Australia. "Very very very good" almost jumping for joy.

Her friend Chris told me that Maya sends clothes back to the Ukraine as the poverty is so bad and there are no resources for the people. No food charities or secondhand shops for clothing. She thinks Australia is wonderful as we are community minded and help each other. True that!

Even then we could do so much more to end poverty. Makes me feel frustrated that there are such extremely wealthy people in the world, like Bill Gates and the Rothschilds while millions of others struggle to survive each day. But I guess I must be grateful that I have food and clothes and a roof, my Sacred Space garden, my pets and the opportunity to get assistance when needed.

Imagine living in 30 below zero with not enough food or clothes! I am an abundantly wealthy woman compared to that.

…

Not feeling well today. Probably the heat. I went to the food bank and got some fruit and veges. Took a lot out of me. By the time I drove home I was perspiring even though my car is airconditioned.

So today will be a cruisy lying around day. With Bobo and the cats.

…

19 January 2015

Love this! It is all so true! My heart is held together by duct-tape and sometime I roll it out of my chest and lend it to someone I hope is worthy, and then invariably have to roll it back and punch it back into my chest and slap on some more tape, and nurse it for a while, as it skips beats in timeless grief or shame or humiliation, but when she sings, the beat goes on and on and reverberates through all Eternity and sometimes, I can still pick up that beat and feel that emotion again.

Each time I love again, it is a spectacular miracle, for my beaten, broken but indomitable heart.

One time, when I suffered a terrible heart-break (one of many!) I actually heard my heart muscle make a cracking sound! It was quite frightening. It took several years to recover. Still, my heart never hardened for long.

Life is too incredibly beautiful and miraculous and amazing to stay lost in grief for too long. I lost 20 years. Now it is time to live fully and joyously again. To Rise and Shine and not allow the Haters to bring me to a living Death again.

…

Today I am overwhelmed with Gratitude.

Thank you Hashem for the Sun, the Stars and the Moon, for I love the exquisite beauty of shining lights and the diurnal push and pull of our Satellite which smiles upon us.

Thank you for Love, without which I could not exist and would not wish to.

Thank you for keeping me Safe in the past 11 and a half years.

Thank you for bringing Bounty and beauty and Healing to my life!

Thank you for allowing me to re-integrate my psyche after decades of Trauma, in astonishing and profound ways.

Thank you for my enemies, the catalyzers of my soul-growth who misunderstood, degraded, feared and Hated me but some of whom, ironically, never failed to admire me, the one who never quit and never became monstrous like them and never died, but came very very close to it and lived in the Shadowlands in a Zomboid existence for many years.

Thank you for the Indigenous Spirits who showed me their campfire in the PA Hospital in March 2012, who showed me the Fire, that burns without but gives warmth and comfort and inspiration, light in dark places and dark times and provision to heat our sustenance.

Who showed me to keep going, fighting, living, dancing and Being but most of all, Loving!

Thank you for the Water, celestial and physical, to moisten my burnt out weary soul and brings Life back to the Seed of the Universe.

Thank you for creating me and creating You and all of the Multiverses and all of Life and for allowing me to experience the Magic and the Wonder in this vessel.

Thank You, in Advance, for some moment in Time when I am released from the splendour of this Mortal Coil and you welcome me, into another Dimension, in my true Form, devoid of all limitations of Time, Space and Mass.

Thank you for the Music of the Spheres and the Music of my Human Heart and the rhythm of the Night. (Ahem!)

Thank you for Art and all Creativity, all Works of Love.

Thank you for my beautiful blessèd Companions and Soulmates, Human and Non-Human, who bring Joy, Delight, Passion, and Magic to my life.

Thank You, and you...and you!

…

Back from dentist! All work done for another year. Woot!

I told my beautiful talented gentle young Indian Dentist that she is the best Dentist I have ever had in the Public System in many many years and when the govt gives her grief as I know they always do, she is to remember what I said. She is gentle, kind, explains the procedure and thorough and is the very best.

She blushed deeply and Thanked me. I then Thanked the Nurse then half-turned and walked into the door. Lmao!

I then Thanked the Door for not slamming into me. Very Funny!

…

Off to the Murder House. Be back Soon :-)

…

I had a lovely long sleep today. 14 hours. I was utterly exhausted after my beautiful passionate wonderful weekend! I still can't believe how joyous it was!

Soon off to QE2 Dentist for another filling. Eeek! It's bloody hot today, so when I get back I will be nursing my sore mouth by lying in the hammock with a good book, methinks

:-)

…

Very very amused. I popped into the pub for a half an hour on Saturday night. I was served a jack daniels and I sang along to the band and danced while I was there.

Now I hear a rumour that I had been Permanently Banned and People were shocked I was in there!

Haha! That is Insane!

No 1. I was only banned for 1 MONTH by a Misogynistic creep security guard after I asked for protection on the dance floor as some assailants were there!

No 2 I Wrote A Formal Complaint to the Pub Management and the creep's Security Company as it was inappropriate for him to vilify and degrade me and Ban me! He called me "a Fat Crazy Bitch" and falsely accused me and my group of friends of being Troublemakers.

It is NOT troublemaking to expect correct service and treatment as a long-term customer in an establishment and then to complain when one has been unfairly abused and slandered. It is called Fair Play. Or Justice.

No 3. The point of this little exercise.

I received no written or verbal response from either Management or Owners, or from CSO Security. I was simply ignored. Which I find rude, unprofessional and covert.

4. I volunteerily stayed away for 3 months as I was distressed by my treatment there and took a break after the alleged one month ban, (by an unprofessional creep given too much power) was expended.

I also volunteerily went back on Saturday night as several friends, including several male acquaintances mentioned they missed seeing me dancing along with the band at the pub. Which was my customary behaviour and which I very much enjoyed.

How dancing and enjoying a band has become socially inappropriate, I am mystified to comprehend?! Someone needs a Reality Check!

To my knowledge and due to lack of official communication to the contrary... I have not been Permanently Banned.

The fact I was allowed entry and served at the bar on Saturday night proves this salient fact.

So for those who dabble in petty gossip and slander and those who follow rumour mills. These are the facts.

I don't know if I have been actually banned permanently, as noone bothered to notify me officially. I have done nothing wrong but be vilified by a nasty young man with no intention of performing his duties in his capacity as security guard and in my opinion, as it was perfectly acceptable to complain about his on-going abuse, then it is simply absurd to permanently Ban me for doing so!

I was never the Trouble-maker there. So please, remain cognisant of the Facts.

19 January 2014

…

4.14 am. Just got home from a night out with Sarah. We went to Casino and danced with the band playing there called Mr Perkins.

Then went on to Irish Murphy's to finish off the night dancing with Wasabi. Lovely time was had but my feet hurt like Hades from leaping about both nights. I feel really happy though.

Jarrod surprised me with a visit in the afternoon. It's been ages since I've seen him so that was great to catch up and I finally got to give him the Water Poppies from my ponds.

We did our usual survey of my garden and I was surprised and delighted to discover (well, Jarrod saw them first!) that my bloody old and recalcitrant Dragonfruit cactus which only fruited for the first time last year after 17 years, is in bud again!

This is ironic as only 2 days ago, I was telling Sarah who was thinking about buying one at the greengrocer that if mine doesn't fruit again this summer I was going to take an axe to it.

The cactus read my malevolent intentions and burst out in buds. 12 buds! Now if it doesn't rain too heavy we might actually get some fruits. Awesome!

…

Home is where your Cat is :-). Big furball welcome from Miss Penny. Moved the chook tractor, gave them grain and water for tomorrow.

Had a lovely time with Gail, Christina and Tayhlia (albeit the interminal Pedro debrief lol).

After dinner at Sizzler, we chatted with Christina about Judaism, Evolution, Primitive Man and asteroids. Gail learned at The Planetarium that our moon was formed in 4 weeks. Fascinating stuff.

19 January 2013

Hot as Hades, Flying too close to the Sun, burn baby burn but still Awesome!

I went out last night. Looking Sultry but was so tired I didn't have such a great time. At the end of the night my shoe broke so I binned them and came home barefoot and carefree!

19 January 2010

I've had a few wines, ok about four, and am pissed as a Rat so not sure that is a good thing, and spent the last half hour writing inappopriate comments on friends’ Facebook profiles.....whooops soooorrrryyyy!

Promise I will be sober next time I'm on Facebook, but only because I've run "hic" outta "'Hicc, hicc" wine! Or was that ...WHINE!!!! Ciao Bambinos.

Copyright Tanya Désirée Arons