Memories: 18 January 2025

18 January 2025

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1:31 pm In the depths of Death’s shadow …let there be life!

I took down my skull profile photo which perfectly represents metamorphosis. I may get it as a tattoo one day. (If I can find the extra cash lol) I still need to recolour my only tattoo).

I had a wonderful time last night, dancing for/with Ramjet, marred only by a very tall, very sleazy predator who moved in like a slithering slippery sidewinder as he knows I detest him after he DARED put his hand on my thigh a few months ago.

He stared at me quite inappropriately, from the moment I arrived in the club. I did not think he was a threat as he was sitting at a table further away from my performance art zone: the square table nearest the stage, where I support the band and equally support myself to enjoy my wild nights out.

But I observed with sanguine astonishment as that dude moved in very slyly for the “kill”. He first sat at the edge of the square table opposite me. I ignored him. Then each time he casually moved closer and closer until, looking at me …knowing I hate his advances…he sat close beside my beautiful, wild, but overly indulgent friend Sonja. He rested his hand on her thigh. Smirked. Looked at me.

I tried hard to not react...for a few milliseconds…I truly did. But no dirty Motherfucker gets to claim sexual ownership over me, or my female friends, especially as she was so happy with her new partner and oblivious to the sadistic little game that mofo was playing. Ew!

It was like he was saying “I will get to you through your friend” (who is tiny and petite and super loving to everyone including, without any real discrimination to most of the men). So no, you don’t get to predate on her with me watching, expecting to get away with it.

So I leaned forwards and whacked him with my fan and told him to get his filthy hands off her. He removed his hand pronto…but did not remove himself. The nerve of it.

When Sonja’s new partner came back I said to him…”can you keep that guy away from your lady as I find him abhorrent, creepy and inappropriate” which he did, edging him back to the end of the table. Then the tall guy attacked him. (When he finally realised he was being very gently eased out and away from us women).

Security threw him out (thank the goddess!) Sonja turned to me and said in amazement, “I have never been protected like that by security before!” I just nodded.

However! Yes you have… Sonja. On several occasions. And each time it was primarily me, The Tanya who protected your sweet but naïvely wild femininity. Frankly, it’s exhausting. It’s making me rethink if I should even keep dancing.

I am literally too old to be fending off fuckknuckles each weekend or protecting my women friends who don’t have the preservation skills to tell these vile detestable creeps to stop touching them.

Jesus. (Not Jesus… but you can feel my vibe right now!)

By all the gods…it’s getting intense. I have been worrying that it’s me, feeling older and a tad vulnerable. But no, when push came to shove I remained powerful and protected/defended my friend.

It’s who I am. A protector. I am grateful for the support, respect and protection of the security at the Brooklyn Standard. They know I don’t start fights. Ever. But that guy who has no boundaries and no respect for women had to go. Yuck!

Other than that, I held my sacred space, danced and moshed, thrived until the end of the night. So it was a good night, after all. Grateful happy triumphant woman here!

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Hear my No

Witness my battle cry

Feel my bloodletting

Carry forward my banner

Staunch my wounds

Honour my exhaustion

Hold me precious

Or Leave me the fuck alone.

I live my life in honour.

No matter what.

No matter who.

The price is too high

Yet I gladly pay it.

Truth cuts deep,

But it heals.

Scarifies the turgid horror

Purges the treachery.

Overturns the lack

Invokes majesty.

Rebuilds from ground zero

Delights the mind.

Dances.

What comes after the dance?

Breaking down, breaking in

Breaking through the other side.

Dance me to the end of love.

Dance me so I can say Yes.

To good men and good women

Who truly See me and value me.

Dance me to full reclamation of my spirit.

Dance me until Death.

Copyright Tanya Désirée Arons

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I keep falling sleep on the couch. This is getting serious. Days like this! I will go have a nanny nap. Maybe will feel better later.

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I didn’t nap. Instead I got the urge to melt sterling silver with mapp gas. It wouldn’t melt (I guess not enough heat?!) then it started raining. Farkkkk! I continued, even in the rain for a while. But it got dark and the rain got heavier so alas…no molten silver for my new project. So annoying!

18 January 2023

We are sitting in the shade of the myrtle tree, being surveyed by a resident Kookaburra. About to eat some over ripe mango. It’s not so bad…this life!

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The car is serviced. The new mechanic was lovely. I need to find another $450 in three months time to pay for replacement front brakes however. So I can’t go on any long trips until I remedy that situation.

I also need to rotate my tyres and have them balanced. I am due for new tyres in 10 000 kms too.

I told him I was tempted to sell my car. He advised me not to. He says it’s a very good car, not a lemon but I wouldn’t get very much money for it and should keep it in case of emergencies. Hmmm.

I am writhing with anxiety as I had little sleep last night. But all good!

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18 January 2020

I just woke up from intense dreams about, of all people, David Davidson. FFS!!! But I have prayed to the angels for healing of my mind, body and spirit, as if that does not take place soon they can just kill me.

I can’t go on with the constant diarrhoea and trauma and grief. So the diarrhoea seems to have suddenly and miraculously stopped for the past 6 days. Omg. Such a relief. I really felt like this was the end of me.

But instead, “they” are working on my spirit and emotions with my intense dreams. Yesterday I dreamt of Philip Hoedemaeckers who, in the dream, wrote me a long letter about his deceased but treacherous mother. Hmmm.

This morning it was Davidson. It was a somewhat beautiful dream. The light in the dream was silvery grey sunlight streaming into the room.

He was in my room telling me how much he fucked up in our brief relationship and how he wanted me to understand that he had really loved me but he went where the money was and his ego got in the way. He told me he had had a lot of mental issues and had hid them so well.

I told him he was nothing but a manipulative psychopath but he had been the love of my life and it taken decades to recover from his cruelty. He nodded.

He was carrying some small jar that was sealed and decorated. Some of his mother’s ashes. I held it in my hands and asked him where she was cremated and scattered. (Now bear in mind this is a dream and I have no concept of any true reality in it). He said she was scattered in Israel and he just wanted to go home and started crying.

I hugged and kissed him (like a gimp!) feeling awkward, as this man was a terrible enemy and kissing him was like kissing my own death as he had been such a traitor with Gisela, Buck, my father David, Gila, and his girlfriend later wife, Kylie.

I kissed him passionately then started hitting him. I slapped him around the face, hard. Several times. He walked out of the room. Kylie (that foul slut is still living) comes in to tell me that he never hit me back.

The light in the room turns sort of dark and sultry with lots of red colouring like a medieval bordello, brooding and ominous. I said “No, he wouldn’t dare! He knows what he did to me!”

I asked her what she was doing here? She wanted me to try on a corset. It was one of those poorly made ones with plastic boning. It was red and came up quite high, up to the neck.

I put it on (ie was naked from the waist up in front of that bitch - something in real life I would never allow!) and she commented that it was too small but I got it on and said “No, it’s ugly and shows my fat extruding as it is too small. But I don’t need your discarded crap anyway!” She looked really sad, walked out of the room.

The light shifts back to that silvery grey light atmosphere. Like being inside a cloud. Davidson walks back in. Kisses me again. Says “I really did love you, Tanya. I want you to know that”.

I reply “I know you did. It’s not all your fault, it ended up so evil and twisted. You were weak and easily manipulated by Buck and my mother. You should have believed me when I warned you how evil they were”.

He nodded. The dream ended.

It’s weird as I had a memory yesterday of giving back the little silver ring with the peace sign to him (in a packet that I handed to one of his sons at his door and drove away without speaking to him).

I said yesterday I never give back gifts as it is the grossest insult (if I don’t want something I either refuse to accept it or quietly pay it forward!) but that ring he gave me to keep me in a state of confusion when he was getting engaged to Kylie. Well, that was one present I gave back.

No man owns me. Everrrr! No matter how much I loved them. Throwing me trinkets as a booby prize was just insulting and kind of desperate.

But in the dream, he never actually verbally apologised. Psychopaths never do. Not even in the spirit world. Ghastly! But he seemed genuinely gentle and loving and well, sorry for himself and all that had passed between us.

Now, I know it’s a just a Dream. That man had no contrition or decency towards me. But the processing of old emotions was rather healing.

So thank you Angels. But can you keep that spirit far away from me? He has nothing new to teach me. Only reminders of loss, grief, betrayal and my own foolish love that is eternal. Blech!

I am going to see a movie with Lyn this morning. A love story about two women. “Portrait of a lady on fire”. It should be wonderful!

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I just took a shower and the lyrics from “Keep it Precious” ran through my head. “You brought me to trust, you brought me to tears. In one tender kiss, the pain disappears. “ lol

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People glow differently when they are loved

:-)

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More rain. Yayyy! My lawnmower man will be busy. Good!

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I just walked out of the cinema. That was the most stunning brilliant movie I have seen since The Joker.

Portrait of a Lady on Fire! Go see it! I have chills!

I said to Lyn that the movie made me want to find/meet/spend quality time with artists, filmmakers/directors/writers. People with Art in their veins. Quirky unusual deeply passionate interesting people.

I used to love it on rare occasions when Crystal took me to her acting showcases. A) because I could shep naches in my daughter’s talent and b) cos I could meet her peers which was always a treat.

I think after 8 years of dancing in venues where I have been largely disrespected or insulted or devalued I crave to find a group of people who vibe with me for more than a drink or staring slack jawed at me shaking my arse while they booze up with each other and bitch about me living my life in freedom!

I am not a freak exhibit!

It was not so bad in the old days when everyone could drink on the dance floor so the drinkers would at least be dancing with me or near me. But now they just hang together like boring barflies and I do my own thing, mostly alone (which I was okay with) until the stalker weirdo predators tried to move in on me.

Honestly...Yuck. I am done. I might go out later. Find some new venues where I feel less predated on. (Do such places even fucking exist in the Brisbane CBD....lmao...?)

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Haha my weird neighbour is spying on me again. Why am I surrounded by fricking idiots? This time it’s Timsa. The sight of a very sunburnt Berserker Femme baking muffins on a hot summer’s night must have them thinking I am brewing up spells again. Nah uh fool. Chocolate banana muffins. I ate two and froze down the rest.

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12:03 am. I am baking muffins as I had very ripe bananas to use up and a chocolate craving. Omg! Looking forward to a muffin and another cup of tea.

I have sortéed into the garden by flashlight and cut some aloe vera (“‘allo Vera” as my dad used to say) for my epic sunburn. To try to stave off more enervated cancer cells and other nasty shit.

Psy sighs. Australia mate! If the traitorous bastards haven’t killed me, the sun just might get lucky one fine day!

But all good! All very good. I loved the day at the beach and absolutely drank in the gorgeous vitality of sun and sea.

18 January 2018

Ready for my nephew and his family tomorrow. It was epic getting house in order. Exhausted now. I guess it doesn’t hurt to have a summer cleanse and a purge for someone I haven’t seen for 29 years and 5 months.

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18 January 2017

Today I woke up, still sick but reinvigorated in my spirit. A gift from the Universe as yesterday almost crushed me.

I feel much loved by friends, seen and unseen. I feel like spirit has given me a coat of healing and I feel like today, for the first time in many days, weeks, and months, I might turn a corner.

How, I don't know, as my crystalline teeth still ache like splintered refractions of a life hard-bitten. My ear still gently gnaws at me even though it is better than yesterday.

Psy sighs. I will heal this body. It has battled disease, depression, destruction of its outer body a million times. It is older, feels the fragile fibre of its mortality more profoundly than ever before. It screams "I am dying" but I rebuke that concept.

It has died and died and died and arisen from the edge of death, still furling its spiritual fingers with Lady Death and her sister Dumb Luck and their sibling Dead Fuck but here I go again.

I thought I could not be here on Earth another day but beauty found me, and love and true friends gently held me in my sickness. Fed my body, my mind, my soul.

Thank you! Thank you for bringing me to the precipice and showing me the view. If I fall again into that fucking abyss I know you know I have become rather good at free-falling and with every flying fuck I never gave, climbing yet another mountain.

I want to be quiet in the serenity and the joy and the music of you all. Blessed be the wild ones, the strong, the broken and the unique. We hold hands across the universe and raise each other up to experience life another day, another night...another breath.

Thank you to my beautiful friends who Inspire me every day, who never give up on me and who love even my unlovely tortured thoughts and moments. You are my blessing, my gift, my hope and my reason to rise yet again and shine.

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I took Panadeine extra (codeine) 40 minutes ago and that has not eased the pain. Might have to go to hospital if this keeps up.

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Lawnmowing is happening as I write. Hallelujah! It is stinking hot and the middle of the day but that is not my problem. I cleared the yard so he had a free run.

Then I have a debrief with my psychiatrist at 3 pm. Frankly I just want to lie down. But it's been a month and I need my therapy.

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Back from psych and chemist. I had to buy Nilstat for the oral thrush and strong pain killers as I can't take the suffering anymore. So most of my pension gone again on medicine. So annoying but no other choice.

My psych said the leading cause of suicide is chronic pain. Yup. It was a bit touch and go yesterday but today I am fighting on. He advised me to go to ED dept and demand Endone but I got strong paracetamol instead. Hopefully the oral thrush medicine will stop my mouth from being a raw jangling nerve jungle of cracked smashed glass. I will get through this, by the gods I will!

It is common for child sexual abuse survivors to have terrible teeth from years of grinding our teeth and pushing down our anger. Same with tmj mandibular joints. Yeah one of mine is damaged too. I can also thank my mother for constantly hitting me in the face.

He also agreed with me that the ear infection was related to the pain from the dry socket as the ear and teeth are connected, especially as it was on the same side. So the gp I saw was an idiot. As I suspected. She should have been able to diagnose the oral thrush also. $60 a script for ear drops. That was all.

Anyway, new day new beginning...

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Back on paracetamol. Might need stronger pain relief. This is so frustrating. Arrrgggghhhhh!

18 January 2016

Dogma. Very cool movie. Full of "ideas". Alan Rickman starred as Metatron the Voice of G-d. Alanis Morrissett was G-d. Brilliant.

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Jarrod and I just watched Dogma which I haven't seen since 2001 on DVD. It came out in 1999. We laughed near the end when a comment I had in a dream after my hysterectomy in 2007, was mentioned word for word. "We have the technology. We can rebuild you" and they impregnated the Scion.

We just about fell off the couch laughing. I turned to Jarrod. "There you go, nothing I dream or think is ever original. I got that dream from this damn movie only I saw it so long ago I didn't remember!" Funny shit!

18 January 2015

My bloody fan just blew up. Hot hot hot in my bedroom but all good! I will survive!

Joann Ryan: Oh shit

Me: Lol. Small price to pay for unleashing the Furies 😉

Corena Bohm: Stuff having no fan in this Heat!!

Me: Yeah cold baths... Lots of them. Also sleep-deprived. Most illuminating, astonishing and marvellous weekend of my life. I know who loves me 🙂

Expect mad writings later. Sleep-deprivation makes me very creative!

Heather Abramson: This heat really makes a person VERY TIRED!

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So happy and excited about recent developments. I never thought life could be this awesome.

"When you are in love the whole world is Jewish".

Haha. Or random men leap out in dark shadows on the walk to the car, saying "Ciao Bella!" Still processing that! Haha! So not so Jewish, but Love is very very contagious. My gods and goddesses it was out of control last night. Woohoo!

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Gosh I am hungry. And Molten!

Ha! Toaster dead too!

Kim Shurety: Geeezzzz, not gr8 4 u! I had chat wit 'V' las nite/tis morn not long after u left. Alex is one of the many names he calls himself, he isnt 'V's son but may as well b as his parents r not good, & if u had gone to breakie wit them the other wk he didnt hav any money so 'V' wod hav had to pay as he has done tat b4 to her invited ppl & she is only 1 who has money well credit card, & she isnt working due to her accident 2yrs ago, poor thing but as I said to her the other week even tho she isnt better she definitely is improving☺

Me: Oh wow, glad I spared her the embarrassment. I would not have gone along without being able to pay for myself anyway as I don't expect people to pay unless they specificly state they are shouting me.

I simply can't bear the humiliation of being caught out in a fiscally compromised position at a restaurant etc. it's like wearing your dirty underwear on the outside. You feel like crud and I try not to put myself in such an abuse of power.

It seems someone who used to shout me the occasional drink has slandered me at the pub I frequented for 2 years and I feel heartsick that she could do that to me. But yes. Karma. Baby karma!

My Dutch stepfather who survived Mittel-Bau Dora said to me, "Never let anyone pay your way or you will forever be under obligation. They will own your arse, one way or the other." This ethic made it very hard for me to even accept charity when I first was forced into Poverty and it has taken me years to ask for help or accept drinks, meals from people without fearing retribution or agendas.

So it is thoroughly distressing that his philosophy has been proven sound and that all my relationships are once again measured by what I do vs what they do for me. This is the kind of shit that brings me to the brink but I try to remember that my intrinsic value as a woman, friend etc is worth more than those kind of evil callow games. Which is why I rarely accept drinks from strangers or even acquaintances.

I am not a bludger, and I have not always been poor. So Fuck those creeps that tried to dehumanise me in this way.

In Alex's case he is a sweet young man and his offer was heartfelt but I doubt he even considered that his mother might have to foot the bill. Lucky I have the back-handed gift of decades of financial abuse to have seen that coming.

Albeit it is extremely tiresome to have to extrapolate every possible outcome of every situation simply because I might dare to exist or enjoy my life. Fuck the Haters!!! All of them. Until they walked a mile in my shoes they have no fucking frame of reference and really as Bart Simpson used to famously say, they can eat my shorts, Dude!

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The best Revenge is Happiness. The pathetic vicious little cur that slandered me will pay to the power of ten. I have harmed no-one as is my creed but when you fuck with my life, you fuck with the wrong woman. Karma is a beautiful thing and I will be there when it is meted out. 🙂. I am very very patient.

@ Kate. That message is for a woman in our group. I have unfriended most of them for obvious reasons. They will know who I mean.

Kate Kitching: Yeah I know babe

Corena Bohm: Wow, hope you're okay lovely?? I'm sure they will get what they deserve xx

Me: Corena, you know the old saying "an Harm Ye None, Do what Ye will!" I have been a loving "auntie" and dance partner to many and I have no reason to regret the love I gave of my heart and soul. So when the Karma unleashes to the Power of Ten, it will be to the Degree that they were loved, trusted and cared for. Measure for measure! So mote it be!

The truth will always out and those who know me and love me best Know I am innocent and undeserving of the crap that was meted out.

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Omg. Awesome night, only slightly marred by losing my glasses (those glasses are the bane of my existence...seriously!) I had walked all the way to Alice St to the car when I discovered them missing so then walked all the way back to Casino lost property. They didn't have them. I almost cried in frustration.

I went upstairs to look for them and my new love interest was still there. (Awkward) so I explained I had lost my glasses. Meanwhile some guy was trying to chat me up and I was having an epic Pepi le Pew moment. (For once I was the Pussycat and not Pepi).

Then somehow I grabbed new love interest, went outside and ran into some acquaintances who told me they had handed my glasses in to the bar. Woot! So I was tired but drove back to pick them up at 7 am as being without them is intolerable.

Then I spent several hours on Paltalk so time to schluff.

Life is beautiful and awesome!

18 January 2013

I'm high as a kite. I might stop to check you out...;-)

18 January 2010

Been working like a Mad Dog Englishman in the hot hot summer midday heat. So much to do but so little energy to do it in. Sigh...will have to try to achieve my goals over the next few weeks as I schvitz too much in the heat, digging the garden etc, and feel decidedly ill today.

I managed to trim some trees out back today, so have a nice seating area now. Now the housework beckons, I reckon!

Copyright Tanya Désirée Arons