Memories: 17 January 2025

17 January 2025

7:48 am This is seemingly an excellent result but I’m not so sure as I spent four of those 6 hours awake or snoozing. I probably only reached REM for the last two hours. So I am not sure what caused the insomnia last night. I had a lovely day yesterday. Odd! But on we go!

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Two mornings ago I asked permission of my faeries here at Sacred Space to clean up their corner. To remove the baby Crepe Myrtle trees, and weed. I asked for a sign of their approval.

Yesterday morning I was gifted the sighting of a very large black butterfly resting her wings on the eaves of my back entry. But when I opened the screen door to try to take a photo of her, she grew afraid and fluttered away. But I knew that was the sign. I was also gifted angel sequences of 111s

Then this morning I began the task of weeding (while simultaneously listening to a video on YouTube about if all things…dragons. It was a beautiful positive uplifting channeling. So I feel this is another nod from the faery folk.

It’s a big job as I dislike invading their sacred space so I left it rather too long. But I also feel peaceful and protected. The cicadas are singing loudly, Charley is hopping about haphazardly, taking great interest in my activity. Almost like a foreman on a worksite… yes She is the Boss lol.

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17 January 2022

I said “something wonderful is unfolding for me” the other day. Then my former lover turned up for his weird surveillance he does every so often, usually perversely after I tell him to writhe in hell as he disrespects me, by rejecting my four or 6 monthly phone calls.

But energy never lies..I felt his approach even though I was seriously denying it this time as it’s long past time I let him go and allowed a new love, a solid reliable magnificent Lover to manifest in my life in 3D reality instead of this cyclic Floundering on a defunct groove in my shattered existence!

But I observed him walking to his vehicle. I observed him turning to look back at me. The woman who stood in her own Defiance! Proud! Strong! Livid at the abandonment and the bullshit games, but every time I cut him loose he arrives on my periphery…knowing my Love is more powerful than death or his own morose depressions, weakness and school boyish sabotaging games.

Funny…innit?!…

So today the gods blessed me with this rose. It’s small and alone but pushed itself out through the heat with a determination to bloom and Thrive. In spite of everything…life and Love finds its way…reclaims what is truly ours by heart and soul and unfurls its colours and permeates the senses with great and abundant beauty and much needed much valued…PEACE.

La vie en Rose is not for the weak, inept, acopic. It is fought for, cherished, coddled and created. It is gifted. It is adored. It is a beautification and a blessing.

Hold it close. Rejoice. Here it is! Hineini!

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17 January 2021

17 January 2020

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Whimsical thought. I didn’t die on 22 August 2015 or on 25 June 2019 or in that weird little event on 26 November 2019.

But I hung on like a limpet to cragged rocks in a wild tumultuous tempest. Other things died instead. My beautiful pets, and many friendships. I think I have even finally let go of an old love that only ever played me for a fool. When a new potential suitor started playing the same awful psychological games I ditched him faster than a cat leaping off an electrified roof.

Because life is too short and I have wasted my life on the foulest of false bastards.

The time has come the walrus said...a good old clearing out of detritus after the storm is needed. Then resurgence and grow more into my self and see what pans out from there.

I am happy this morning. Nothing like finding out who all the using, lying parasites were/are and clearing them out to have a fresh perspective on life.

I have no idea where to go from “here”. But I am sitting in my Sacred Space garden, breathing light and sunshine while Beauregard is lying, gratefully, on the wet grass. The rain has also refreshed us. I think we might get some more.

I had a weird dream that my childhood friend Phillip wrote me a long almost illegible letter about his mother. I struggled to read it. It was about 16 pages long. In the dream I wondered why he was writing about Muriel as she died some years ago.

It’s the second time in weeks that I have dreamt about him. I would make contact but I don’t think that’s a good idea after the last time he got a little carried away.

I will offer up a prayer that he is safe and well. Then let it go.

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Who will be holding my hand at the end, when the entire world dies?!

17 January 2019

Today at the beach some people there asked my dog’s name. “Beauregard” I replied. Their son who was about 18 or 19 and his mother laughed. The mother said “Oh that’s hilarious!” But the son said “Violet Beauregard, from Charlie and the Chocolate factory!”

I have had Bobo in my life since he was 6 weeks old (he is currently 3 years 3 months old!) and his name was gifted to me two days before I even met him by spirit (or my higher mind subconscious) and I remember vividly trying to figure out where I had ever heard the name Beauregard before, at that time. (I was still a bit high from all the colonoscopy drugs in my system back then! Ahem!)

Jarrod and I had to laugh as I also have Charlie bird at home and I do rather adore chocolate so a chocolate factory chez moi would not be out of the ordinary! Lmao.

I actually liked the name which popped randomly into my head as it is French for “beautiful gaze” or “beautiful outlook” and the Beau came into my life only 4 months after my suicide attempt in 2015 and even the gods (dog-gods!) knew I needed a loving loyal faithful companion to give me a reason to hold on in ugly turgid times.

All hail Odin! All the gods and the Holy One (of course!) They really know what I need in life and bless me accordingly, in their own time and space.

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Home from a gorgeous day at Coochiemudlo Island. I got very sunburnt (inspite of the sunscreen!). But it was all well worth it!

Beauregard had a great day too.

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One of my most powerful manifestations/affirmations I made last year (early in 2018) was I asked the universe to surround me with positive, loving, loyal, life-enhancing people ie friends, a partner, family, my community, my “tribe”.

Since making that most earnest heartfelt request I witnessed many friends leave my life. People I had loved and above all trusted and confided in. People I had put a lot of time and energy into, only to be viciously betrayed.

Yes. It hurts. But I am seeing the big picture here. The universe/or G-d is swiftly removing all people that are not truly loving or supportive of me. In such a way that reveals their own false and ugly treacherous hearts and actions.

In a way that my infinitely stupid forgiving heart can no longer go into Pollyanna denial or cognitive dissonance and allow these people any further chances to be part of my inner circle, ever ever again.

G-d is the true Judge and in all honesty He tried to protect me from these creeps before but I was unable to perceive the level of evil and foulness they harboured for me. In my naïveté I thought more of them than they ever actually deserved.

So tonight, I am rebirthing a new paradigm for myself. A life untainted by despotic psychotic evil vicious borderlines and sociopaths.

I shall rejoice in my own Thriving. It is coming.

I call upon the gods to mete out just and righteous punishment to the degree they have earned it.

As they have sown, so shall they reap.

I am grateful for the Becoming, and the healing of the sea today, for good and true friends and for my beautiful pets and for the privilege of Life itself which unfurls exponentially and brings great wisdom and balance to those who awaken to truly See it.

Copyright Tanya Désirée Arons

17 January 2018

12:11 pm up and at ‘em! I got a few hours kip. Beautiful day!

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7.30 am woken up by tree loppers grinding stumps. Bastards woke me up early yesterday morning with their chain saws too. I am starting to feel a little homicidal!

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3:36 am woken up by Sophie rampaging through hallway. Barely 2 hours sleep. In a lot of pain with my feet but I have not stopped plotzing around the house since Saturday and went dancing on Friday. So not enough rest and time to recover I suppose. Apart from my day at Coochie and we walked a fair bit.

I think I am Hypomanic as well as that bloody crazy calico cat. I will put my excess nervous energy to good use tomorrow by finishing the housework, then I have a debrief at 3 pm so if I haven’t settled down after that I will have to take a Valium to knock myself out!

Anyway, laila Tov/Boker Tov. The Tanya is gonna attempt some more zzzzs. The psychedelic Dreaming continues...

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12.44 am. Still going. I have made my bed. Woot! Time for a drink of water then hopefully sleep!

17 January 2017

5.23pm. My teeth are still stinging like a thousand tiny firecrackers have been set off inside them. Also battling nausea, earache. Heat. I have spent the day alternating between wanting to run and jump in Front of a train, to snoozing, to talking myself down. Not depressed but really stressed from chronic pain.

So what did I do for past hour? Read my posts from 2015 and 2016: Only to realise my craving to move to Byron was huge back then and that 2015 was a horrid year and these health issues that dog me have been endless.

So what to do? Just keep going forward. Crawl, walk, dance, fly but never quit. Until the end.

Margaret Jakovac: Argh those teeth of yours are proving a nasty start to 2017. Prayers to you for better behaving fangs and gums etc.

Update 2020: So relieved that at least my teeth are better this year, instead of losing teeth I am divesting of toxic friends left right and centre. I feel like I am in the spin cycle of a giant washing machine. Shaken not stirred. Rattled relentlessly but will come out cleansed and renewed for a new cycle. Be’ezrat HaShem!

Update 2021: I am soo grateful that those three summers of intense tooth pain are over. I almost suicided, it was so bad. That particular day...wow... I prayed all night then passed out with exhaustion then next morning went to see the dentist to insist they look at my teeth yet again.

They had missed a cavity under the gum line and had spent months telling me I was mad and somatising or imagining the pain. (I was livid!!) Then a quick filling and my ordeal was over!

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I just realised I have been hanging on to my life by the skin of my teeth for almost 52 years. Now even my teeth can't take it anymore. Crumbling and disintegrating. Time to build a new life with or without teeth, hope or love. I can do it. Done it many times. Too many times. But there is always one more time.

It hurts to eat, it hurts to hear, it hurts to see, it hurts to believe. But even a caterpillar gnaws its way through life then does not know how it will ever fly or Become an extraordinary creature of beauty, lightness of being that can only survive to mate and then dies. I wonder if there are butterflies in the world-to-come?

Will I sit and look back on this life with satisfaction or regret? So many things I could have been other than Me but I chose me and me is all I have for now.

I had to get to know the real me. Some of it was ugly. Tainted, taunted and tricked. But most of The Tanya is amazingly beautiful and strong. Lovely. Loveable. Worthy.

In spite of her fury and her grief. The lies she was told and her own desultory delusions. Inclusion. Into the Void. Bring it on, baby.

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Crystal Skyped me and suggested I download the Kindle app. Oh my. So many books! I am currently reading The Valley of Amazement by Amy Tan in paperback. (I am a slow reader. Been reading it for over a month but thoroughly enjoying it). Now I have another dozen books lined up to read on Kindle. Keeps me out of mischief.

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I have been to dr and chemist to pay them. Put some petrol in the car. Now waiting for lawnmower man to arrive.

My teeth are all jangling again. Nerve pain. I also bought Hydrolyte as I think I need rehydrating.

It is another scorching hot day. I am just gonna lie around and heal my ear today. Between the ear pain and the tooth pain I am a picture of misery but life will go on and I will get through this. Again.

17 January 2016

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I am so in love! Welling up in waves of happiness. Even if my beloved never becomes my own, I can live off this feeling for days.

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1.34 pm back in the room!! Kept falling asleep. Without Seroquel as I don't have any but so exhausted I didn't need it to sleep. It feels good to have a natural sleep. But Seroquel also helps regulate my mood. So off to the chemist I go on payday.

Ridiculous to be this poor. I bought cat biscuits to tide us over until Tuesday, with a loan from Dave. Very good. The animals come first as they don't have opposable thumbs and can't eat pancakes.

Crystal Skype messaged me from Cardiff in Wales. The audition went well but the venue is too isolated to get to without transport. Fuck it. She has had such rotten luck over in UK and Ireland.

I pray she gets work real soon or she will have to come home and her entire trip will have been wasted. Why oh why can't the gods be kind to the Arons' girls. We are such good people. Crystal works so hard and is so talented. It makes my blood boil.

The family curse continues unabated. Fuck the Phillips/Meyer/Arons genes and their rotten luck and mental health issues. I thought in my superstitious way that Crystal kissing the Blarney Stone might bring her luck and opportunities in her craft. Ireland was hard work for little money and she was exploited as a Christmas Elf.

One good thing was she finished her play she has been writing. Hopefully she will debut it over in London.

As for me...hanging between the sefirot, with my broken klippot and praying for a nice soft warm loving landing. I hope He takes me soon. I am pretty much done. Psy sighs. But I guess I am too entertaining to the Holy One. Best soap opera in the world.

Watch the Psychedelic Dreamer crawl and get up, rise and shine, glitter and gleam, feel great and powerful and splendid for about 5 minutes in eternity, then poke a stick at her and watch her fall down again. Juggling my life and characters like a ball you kick up on the air (what are those things called? The hippies use them. Happy sack?!)

Yes. Hashem and all the other gods have great sport with me. Sometimes they try to convince me they are on my side. Wow! When that happens, on rare occasions, even I at my cynical best drop to my knees in homage, well faint really. There is nothing more awesome than seeing evidence of G-d and him/her/it co-creating with you. I wish I saw more of that.

Like the miracle when I fell out of the QPSA bus and something greater than me saved me by helping me lift myself up midair in my high heels and turn 180 degrees and landed on my feet like a cat. Not smashing my head in on the kerb like I was going to be. That was a wow moment!

That was when I knew without a shadow of a doubt that I had angels protecting me. At a time in my life when I wished for death almost every day and was so ill I could barely drag myself up the stairs to the reception office.

I was kept in that job (protected again!) by the rehabilitation officer, my friend Rosie and the sweet nurses down at the Medical Office who fussed over me like a child. Also young Efrain who always made me smile and our lovely lunches our little group had each day in order to stay sane and debrief with each other.

I remember how everyone pulled together to help me put on a Bat Mitzvah for Jasmine. Even the catering staff made a huge container of guacamole and other snacks for the party. Rosie made stuff. Lyn and Peter helped too.

I had so much food left over because half the people I invited didn't show up even though they said they were coming. Bastards. We ate guacamole for a week. Lmao! That was over 15 years ago now. I was so poor, living in Logan under constant attack. I barely made it to work.

Then after the traineeship ended I got work at the Qld Fire Service at Kedron. The abuse intensified. It was so horrendous I rang Rosie and told her I had walked out of the job and was going to throw myself under a train.

Rosie, bless her, a well-seasoned RN, burst out laughing! "Over a job, Tanya? FFS, go home, take a Valium and go to bed". I did just that. I was so shattered mentally I never worked again. Except in my own garden.

Where was I? Oh yes. Entertainment. My dog just gave me a lovely cuddle and he is not normally a cuddly sort of a fella. Penny held hands (her paw in my hand) on the bed. I love when she does that.

They know when I am emotionally bleeding and fatigued. Even Bobo knows and keeps himself amused for a few hours, playing with his toys or Mushu. I can't wait until he has his last Parvo shot and he and I can go to parks for walks and out in the world. He will love that and it will do me good too.

17 January 2015

Hot hot hot in the city tonight! I slept all day so I will be out to play :-)

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6.55 am. Finally going to sleep after being on Paltalk. My new Sicilian friend taught me a few words in Italian in case I need them ;-).

I am really happy but exhausted so looking forward to snuggling with Penny and Mushu.

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4.04 am. I got home at 3.45 am.

I had a wonderful night dancing with my beautiful women friends at the casino. It was awesome. The band was good too.

Now soaking in a hot epsom salt bath as I can't feel my feet. Pure agony as I had to walk from casino to Alice St where I parked near the botanical gardens.

Some man walking past me in Alice St. said to me as he walked past "Ciao Bella". I nodded politely. I was close to my car so all good as I was pretty exhausted so worried he might jump me.

What is it with the Italian energy lately lmao?

When I first arrived at the casino the security guy told me I couldn't come in wearing my corset. I said "that's ridiculous, I wear corsets here all the time!"

He rang Management upstairs who told him I was fine. Damn straight! Far out, I don't get drunk, I dance all night, I don't bother anyone. Damn straight I have the right to wear my corset!

It actually covers more up than half the skimpy tops and skirts some of the women wear! Anyway I was allowed entry and I had a fantastic time, regardless.

17 January 2014

17 January 2013

Omg. Just cooked a delicious dinner. Spaghetti bol made with Cajun spices and cranberries, celery, snow peas, carrot, mushrooms, onion and garlic. I was insanely hungry too!

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Busy day! Miss Bella Rosa finally deigned to submit to a Bath. Woot! I spent the rest of the afternoon and evening polishing my copper pot collection on the staircase!

Now watching The Imaginarium of Doctor Parnassus. Trippy movie lol!

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I had a good night. Irish Murphies, listening to Live Performer who was very good. Then when it closed at midnight, had a glass of lemonade at Casino. Met a nice man. So it was interesting :-).

17 January 2012

Mavis visited me briefly and brought me the lovely Organic Vanilla Pods. So lovely! Thanks Mavis!

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17 January 2011

Another day schluffing, followed by washing clothes and weeding the lawn, one patch at a time. It will take me months to eradicate the long weedy grasses which have taken over my lawns. Oh well. It's something to take my mind off my troubles.

Copyright Tanya Désirée Arons