Memories: 17 August 2025

17 August 2025

8:43 am I just woke up to Beau’s singing. A happy boy!

I had very convoluted complex dreams about descending into a downstairs apartment with my friend Jarrod. The man who owned the apartment had been put in a home with dementia. He was only in his 40s. We decided to go in and have a look around. Just out of curiosity…we are not thieves.

But the minute we arrived inside the apartment. (The dream did not show me how we got in…) Other people arrived and asked us what we were doing there and how we got inside? I was absolutely horrorstruck as I knew they thought we had come to steal or loot his stuff. Jarrod quietly returned upstairs to where we came from. Leaving me to give explanations and “show cause”.

I was truthful and said we just got curious as the apartment had been empty a while so we decided to have a look around.

The woman, wearing some kind of nursing uniform, nodded. She looked around with me. Then other people also arrived. I said “Don’t take anything. His family will want to clear it all out no doubt”. One of the later arrivals looked at me blankly and says “we are his family members”. “Oh, that’s okay then”. I felt deeply saddened that the man who was still relatively young had lost his mind, home and possessions to dementia.

Then the dreamscape shifted to me driving with another woman. We were trying to drive to the Home to visit then man. But we were on some busy road and my gps wasn’t fully working and l was freaking out. I pulled up to the lights, turned right, drove down some rural looking road with lots of trees either side.

I decided we were going in the opposite direction so I pulled the car over, recalibrated the gps. Did a u-turn and started driving in the right direction. Then I woke up.

Good sleep results again this morning. I am improving with my health. My lungs still feel papery and waspish but I had a good night, only broken by one pee break. Which is also excellent progress. I look forward to sleeping through the night without any at all. That will be just fine!

What will a healthy Mama T achieve ? Why…I’ll be “dangerous” lmao.

17 August 2024

6:30 am I did not feel well yesterday. Very exhausted but pushed myself through and completed the sacred heart charm I worked on for two days. Felt dizzy and weak after.

I didn’t go dancing which is highly unusual as I usually push myself out there even when I feel weak. I even had a shower as my hair needed washing so I thought I was still gonna go. But after the shower I thought, uh no, not tonight, Tanya. Tonight you rest. I went to bed at 10:48 pm, still begrudging to have to miss out on my regular dance.

I got up at 4 am to pee and felt so dehydrated that I had a glass of water. I just got up again, also needing to drink water.

Then I noticed I had 3.4 events per hour last night. So I am backsliding even with cpap. Hmmm. I wonder what is causing that? Anyway, perhaps if I feel better this evening, I will dance tonight. I must keep soldiering on 🙂

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My inner child aka Miss Five bought these awesome glitter shadows and lipgloss from Question Beauty in NZ. I can’t wait to razzle dazzle myself next time I go dancing!

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Sometimes you just gotta immerse yourself in magick. Glitter on the face, glittery sun refractions on my walls. Shiny shiny spectrums of light. Yayyy!

Making a cup of tea, and going back to bed. 🙂

PS I love you!

17 August 2023

Ratih is here, cleaning. I gifted her some limes from my tree. She really appreciates them.

The postman arrived with a parcel so had ordered. I was sitting up the back of my garden, listening to Robert Sepher’s podcast “Celtic Origins”. The lovely Polynesian postman walked through my gate to bring the little parcel to me. So I got up and met him halfway. A sweet gesture. Little sweet human kindnesses.

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This beautiful lorikeet just flew down and perched on top of Charley’s cage. She got quite a fright and hopped away. But I was delighted that bird came to say “Hi”. He’s probably after her lorikeet mix which has been running out quite quickly lately.

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Lyn visited this afternoon. We sat in the garden, watching the cute antics of Mr and Mrs Crow who were busy gathering twigs for their nest and eating an apple I had left out for Charley but knew she wouldn’t partake of.

We were so delighted. I told Lyn, the wild birds treat me as though I am part of their flock or a pet. It’s so beautiful to be loved unconditionally by the wild birds. Lyn replied that it’s because they know they are safe with me. “An’ harm ye none!”. It’s true.

I enjoy their beauty and their funny little mischievous antics every day.

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This one looks interesting also:

I saw this first too. To me it looked like either a hedgehog or a possum but then I noticed the skulls later.

17 August 2022

It took me three days (a few hours each day grrr) to grind off the seized bolts etc and cut the steel base away with a diamond blade of my mini grinder. What a fiasco! But… I have rescued the “crowns” that were part of the old chandelier.

I will put the small one on my knitted faery (if it fits) and replace the crystals on the larger one so I can repurpose it as a suncatcher. The scrap pieces I might try to sell at a scrap metal dealer or swap for copper wire as I want to learn metal braiding for bracelets.

Update: I went to a scrap metal dealer in Coopers Plains. They offered me .50 cents. They don’t sell copper wire or any products back to the customers. Fiendish.

So I just left the stuff with them as I can’t be bothered. I didn’t even get the fiddy cents. Lol.

I went to Bunnings and bought some new copper wire there. I want to practise braiding it.

17 August 2021

These beauties just arrived. I wanted larger serving spoons to do pierce sawing designs with. These are gorgeous.

I had worried they would be normal tablespoon size but they are larger and have such a pretty design it will be hard to cut them up lol. #titaniasrealm #artisangifts #loveisthelaw #handmade #happiness!

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I just realised that one of the spoons could be made into that snake head I was so astonishingly obsessed about and distressed when I melted it. I had let go of any hope of making it again.

But I bought another epns one last week and made another snake bracelet and had vowed to make one in sterling silver.

Talk about a master manifester! It’s only taken me a few months to get the materials together again.

Now I just need the skillset to copy the engraving on the epns one onto my sterling one.

I am really excited that the universe is sending me the things I need to fulfill my little projects.

Thank you God and Goddess.

I must be on my right path as things seem to flow to me easily when my headspace is focused and I maintain my childlike wonder and attitude of gratitude.

This gives me hope that I might yet (Psy sighs and “for the love of god”…lol) manifest a life partner who is worthy of me also. Little inspirations and “wins” give me the belief (however illusory) that all is indeed possible even though my life pattern has proven otherwise.

I know I know…sweet, silly, stupid, and sucked in and smited. But a little bit smitten with the idea of potentialities amid the castastrophic Covid paradigm.

Life-death-life experiences on epic fucking replay make one a little thought and mood distorted. A distortion as flawed as a cracked worldview but shining like a kaleidoscopic stained glass. In a garden somewhere.

So to quote those smug entitled “what’s the story you tell yourself” hypocritical jerks that write self help books…

The story is in the process of enfoldment in the unfurling magical renaissance of a semi-dying woman:

I am not quite done yet!

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This morning I still feel very weak after days of carding wool, and yesterday I suffered another gastric event. Not as bad as the one in March but still very scary!

My sterling silver spoons just arrived so when I feel better (or get inspired and push my body past its usual gentle sludginess!) I will make something!

It’s a beautiful day but my hands still hurt! I sat up until 10.30 pm carding alpaca. (About 4 hours as I was so weak after the gut upset!)

I still have quite a lot of wool to card but I think I will go gently today.

17 August 2020

17 August 2019

Last night I had a powerful craving for lollies. I had already scoffed down the last of my chocolate. I ran around the house in a whirling dervish frenzy, as I was too tired to bother going down to the IGA to buy more sugary poison for my demanding inner child.

It is times like these I am always amazed and grateful that I never became a heroin addict. I would not have survived a serious drug addiction. My sugar addiction is intense.

In desperation I made two pieces of toast and put honey and butter on it. That sweetened my craving enough. I went to bed at 10:30 pm expecting another night of crazed insomnia but settled down well. I woke up just after 8 am. Alert and ready to face another day.

I made more toast with honey and boiled two eggs and sat out with Charlie and Beauregard to eat my breakfast. It was a beautiful morning and I watched the few people active in the neighbourhood. I called off Bobo from barking at them. Listlessly played a bit of ball with him as I was watching interesting videos on FB.

I went back to bed around 10 am and slept again, for a while. I feel chilled which is weird as all night I had the hot flushes then chills. I cocooned myself inside my feather doona like a butterfly that has her wings torn off. I stroked my shoulders which felt cold to the touch.

My bones are aching. In my hips, rib cage (Especially lower ribs) and in my right arm. I might have overdone the slashing down of the heliconias yesterday. (I still have the cardamom to cut back!)

I am trying to restore my energy so I can go dancing tonight. This is something that has become almost vital to my existence. My little tribalist Berserker Mosh on the weekend, even if I can only manage one night. Less Berserker and less mosh these days. I mostly just wiggle my hips as my body has not the strength to cut loose anymore.

Anyway, I am getting better. Slowly. So last night I craved sugar and some days I crave Love and other days I crave sleep or isolate myself as I feel smothered or invaded. It is a finely wrought balance: this tightrope jitterbug of an end stage trauma patient’s life.

But I feel happy. In a weird way. Life has been a constant struggle, a battleground in every way. I have beaten back every zombie, false lover/friend, even Death.

I have earned my right to a serene noble safe life. I have carved it from my own blood, sweat and tears. I have written it on the stars and in chat rooms and on fb statuses and public forums.

I have been to Paradise and Hell but somewhere along the way of the not-so-peaceful Warrior Goddess and the road less travelled and the Dreaming of the Psychedelic Dreamer. I got me back.

It scared my Beloveds away. They wanted a victim that was docile and malleable and servile and sychophantic. I loved them anyway. For how could they even begin to comprehend me and my life from their greedy lustful superficial selfish worldview.

They learned nothing. Know No Thing. Only the climax after handling their own Dick.

Oh oh. Did I mention my libido is coming back? Well I noticed it a few weeks ago and was taken by surprise. In pure survival mode I had almost forgotten I am still a woman.

Now don’t get too excited Fellas...I am still quietly observing my own bodily responses to Life and prefer my platonic pals as well, I know I am safe with them.

So here I am. Surfing this new version of The Tanya, with her aches and heartache and longing to sup the Ambrosia of gods and whimsically gliding through the world of Men which is a spiralling carousel ride. Up and down. Down and out. Inside Out. Purge. Resurge. Eat, shit and try not to die for there is juicy goodness in this world and my time has not yet arrived.

I think... I will dance tonight.

17 August 2018

In a lot of pain again. Might have to go to hospital. 😞

From comment section: Thanks Julie x. I think them jiggling my organs around doing the ultrasound set me off.

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Ultrasound complete. I have some stones. Hmmm. I will have to go back to my gp to organise surgery I guess.

17 August 2017

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Today I saw some lovely clothes in Myer and another store called Tigerlily. Very expensive but my hippie style. It made me a little depressed that I have no disposable income.

But then I thought, fuck it! I look like ten million dollars in my purple top hat my gorgeous daughter sent me from London, my second hand mules, my sexy secondhand animal print dress and my underbust corset I have worn to death and the black skirt (for modesty, as the animal print dress is too short).

Yup I looked just as rich as the wealthy buggars in the Apple Store who were staring at me with interest. Appearances can be deceiving. Wealth is a full and happy heart. True friends. Love. Fresh air. Sunshine. Good health (or good enough health), freedom, fearlessness and attitude.

Money is always a bonus but it often comes at a hefty price. It is quickly removed from us.

I am as happy and successful as I ever dreamed of, right now. I have integrity. A roof over my head. Food in my guts. Life! L'Chaim! Blessed Be!

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Lol I bought Beauregard a beautiful lamb neck bone for $3 today. Fresh and meaty. Bloody thing disappeared. (Crows??? Or did he bury it??)

Anyway now the little blighter is sitting on my foot, while gnawing on an old dried out manky bone that was on the living room floor. Madnesss!!!

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Utterly exhausted (as per usual!) but making sweet potato fries in the Prinetti dri-fryer. Hopefully it works well. Hungry Mama T!

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Charlie got one of his claws caught inside my topaz ring setting. I had to soap it up but it still didn't free him. So then I had to cut the claw that was inside the ring setting. Luckily he came free after that. Oh my, what a fright!

Just on his bedtime too. He hadn't wanted to come out of the tree so I put a rake handle up to the bough for him to climb on. So that was one adventure then followed up with getting caught in my ring as well.

I have put him inside his cage to sleep the night away. Phew! Crisis over. It is very hot tonight, so I opened both windows in his room. May have to put a fan on as well. (In winter!!! Nuts!!!)

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The Tanya is Restless! It's only a Thursday night. Hmmm!

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One of my worst foibles. Slowly learnt through bitter twisted experiences to let those colours swirl just the ugly blended beige and shit-stained khaki they truly were.

17 August 2016

I just had a shower then bathed the Beau as he stunk of other dogs' urine as he gets his head in the way when they pee. Gross little mofo! Then I attempted to towel dry him but he wouldn't have it so now he is climbing into his clam pool so getting wet again. Arggggh!

17 August 2015

12.40 am. Making an apple and rhubarb pie, which I am really looking forward to. Hungry Mama.

Living life in reverse.

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Bit headachy but that will be from moshing and hair twirling like a maniac on Saturday night. My neck bones are probably out of alignment.

No complaints. Still happy as a Harpy!

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3.34 pm just woke up. I received a lovely text that shows my matchmaking efforts might be yielding some positive rewards. A certain farmer made contact and is promising to restructure his business so he has more time for Love in his life.

Baby steps, but if he is true to his word he will come to Brisbane more often and dance with my beautiful friend, Jo. So happy that I gave him hell and told him to Man Up. He is acting on my advice.

Now if I could only get the man I love to do the same for me?! But alas, that is probably never going to happen. Boys will remain boys. Psy Sigh!

Still, seeing that others have their love potential blossom gives me Hope. The dirtiest four letter word in my lifetime but springs ever eternal. Lmao!

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Sophie has been whirling dervishing all night. Glaring at our Man-Child Mushu and pissing off Penny. She is now sitting on a chair beside me demanding head-cuddles. She likes her face, ears and head patted!

She tried to eat my pie, so did Mushu! Now she has a smug but hormonal smirk on her face. Crazy Ranga Calico cat!

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Died inside many times, each time I become more beautiful, more wise and stronger albeit Broken, like those gold-reinforced broken pottery they make in Japan. Well, spiritual gold as I am broken in more ways than one, Darlings :-)

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17 August 2014

Good Afternoon! (my morning!). Woke up at 4.23 pm. Wow! Going out with Sarah at 7. More Wow! As I am still tired from epic dancing Fri and Sat night.

17 August 2013

Completely exhausted. Went to bed at. 4 am. Still awake apart from a few short sleeps. Same thing happened yesterday. Gonna take my meds and hope I sleep til 4 pm.

My brain is a whirling mesh of anticipation, expectation, exhortation, desperation, wishing, hoping, with bouts of euphoria followed by semi-consciousness. Spring has sprung in my mind! Hold me back, Baby! Feel like a racehorse champing at the bit but held back at the Gates! Rather annoying!

Got slight ache in my left foot from arthritis and a tender lower back which I have to be careful of jarring…as to why the fuck I can't settle to sleep is a quandary! Oh well, back to oblivion...for another day.

Zulu insists on sleeping on top of me too! I have had to push him off several times. He seems to desire closer contact like never before. Perhaps he knows something I don't? My reflux is bad too.

Oh well he loves me..belching and all.

17 August 2011

Quiet sort of day, slept until 2 pm, pottered in the garden pulling out weeds, painted my toenails (on demand from Gail who says if I must wear toe-rings I must pay more attention to my grotty feet LOL), watched some tv, now wish I had some money to go out with, but never mind!

17 August 2010

So tired of being tired and depressed, briefly energetic, euphoric then tired, depressed, and schluffy again. I've been a very busy person last week though so I guess it's time for some down time...literally. Spent some quality time with my Courtenay this evening and had loads of cuddles so that was nice.

Update 17 August 2022: Hmm he dumped me a month later so those epic cuddles were him using up the last of my emotional resources cos he knew he was a two-timing vacuous cunt even though he kept denying it. Lol.

No great loss. I got better mental health after he left my life, and improved greatly after Gail left my life too. So much gaslighting, treachery and manipulation…no wonder I had to barely exist on psych meds.

Never mind…after my suicide attempt I got my mind back…more determined than ever to wrest joy out of the remains of my fragmented kaleidoscopic psychedelic whirlygig of a life. The gods (angels) Fae have my back!

There were few too many sacrifices that I am Still extremely unhappy about. My beloved pets and the death of any hope of a love/life partner. But I keep living as an act of defiance and unexplored creativity anyway. Because…fuck them…those evil perverted mortals, including my own family that tried to destroy me.

Arise and shine in the full zesty glory of the Lord. Angels wept when they saw my damaged potential and raised me up on strong shoulders. They threw me back into the fray as only one who has faced her immolation many many times…can walk between those Worlds and still come up smiling.

And yes…I still struggle with chronic fatigue and depression but I have ways of coping that are exhausting but productive now.

Copyright Tanya Désirée Arons