Memories: 18 August 2025

18 August 2025

7:20 am Good Morning! Paradise has gifted us another day! The sun is shining pertly and courageously. It’s cold. 8 degrees Celsius. But The Tanya is awake, breathing, up and at ‘em. Bit of a backslide with my breathing during the night but still okay. I still can’t find the sweet spot where I breathe all night long without weird flibbertigibbet suffocations.

I shall just have to persevere and accept cpap as a permanent alteration to my life. 13 1/2 months in. Oh well! It’s a living for a zombie warrior goddess Queen of my own Becoming! Shit….

I need a hug and 20 million dollars. I would settle for a heartfelt genuine hug. 🙂. Shit….

I was so unwell yesterday with another verklempt issue that I had to take a very hot epsom salt bath to settle down my gut and nervous system. Shit. This is what happens when I eat too many fried foods and lollies…so I kind of have to laugh. Self inflicted.

I think I will try to go for a walk today. I need fresh air and exercise. I will take my staff to lean on due to weakness. This getting older gig is scary as fuck and not quite my idea of ageing. So exercise will be much needed. Rattle these old lady bones back into some sort of ontological shock and physical fitness.

Arghhhh…will my lungs let me? Time will tell.

18 August 2024

This afternoon I went dancing at Jacob’s Well Tavern. Alter Egos were playing. Nice day.

18 August 2023

10:16 am. I finally hauled out of my bed. I woke up at 9:19 am. It’s taken me that long to copy across memories to my journal on vocal media. Stubbornly collecting/retrieving every scrap of my writing over the last 15 years.

My neck bones hurt quite badly, down the right side radiating to my right shoulder. That will be due to my moshing to the song “Zombie” a few weeks back. They hated me so much for my freedom of expression, my individuality, my courage, they harassed me out of the Treasury Casino. I should sue them via the Anti Discrimination Commission. They really are cuntish!

The grief over losing Beauregard has left me vulnerable, and now my bones ache. Even my shinbones are sensitive. It is what it is.

Zombies will keep revivifying themselves, blowing new life into themselves, dancing wildly and without restraint or caring about the npc’s empty vapid drooling judgements…until the day we finally shuffle off this mortal coil. Even with neck bones that grumble and rumble in varying stages of micro fractures.

I will never ever let the bastards grind me down.

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I sawed my rough circular ingot into a love heart. I just need to buy some yellow ochre powder or some “Whiteout” so I can solder the two sterling silver rings together at the base for a split ring.

Then I will make a bezel and set another of my polished White Creek opals.

#titaniasrealm #sterlingsilver #recycledsterlingsilveringot #ring #magickhappens #loveisthelaw #neverquit #creativity #doandbewhatorwhomyoulove #brisbaneartist #brisbane #australia

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10:24 pm

18 August 2022

I hung up the suncatcher I made from my rescued remains of my rusted chandelier.

I cut up a mother of pearl knife blade but the blade was stainless steel and too difficult to bend so I actually wasted several hours of cutting it up. I managed to rescue the sterling silver piece at the top of the blade and cut up the mother of pearl to use in another project.

Then I sanded back my cutlery canteen, varnished it and installed the hasps and the sterling silver “T” for Titania’s Realm.

PS I am soo exhausted.

18 August 2021

12:10am. Finally in bed. For someone that felt like death warmed up until about 4 pm, I have had a very productive night. First with affixing the new hasps onto my cutlery box, then sawing a silver dish apart, and also the new silver serving spoon as I hope to make the spoon into a snake bracelet.

I have just finished sanding and polishing the edges of the large collar pendant I cut out. It looks lovely.

Tomorrow (or rather later today!) I will add jumprings and see what other stuff I can come up with.

I didn’t card any fleece today as my hands were too sore and swollen and my left foot had nerve pain and a weird swelling on it as well so how the hell I summoned up the energy and motivation to work on my silver jewellery I have no idea.

I feel like a zombie that has been jumped in by some crazed enervated demon… pushing my flagging body about as after all I need money and lots of it, if I am ever going to see the Sacred spaces in person before I die!

But why now? And why the big hurry and also how will I achieve that particular goal? It’s truly insane. All of it.

But the days pass quickly and it does help me to alleviate some of the worry and stress by keeping busy. Although it increases my stress with this strange obsessional activity and utter utter exhaustion.

Never mind the bollocks…yesterday was a lovely day. I even made time to visit and chat with Ailsa on my walk with Beau and Charley around the block.

So I am satisfied and happy with my day and now must shut down my brain and dream the dreams of an inter-dimensional psychedelic dreamer.

I pray the gods let me rest well!

Laila Tov. See you on the flip side 🙂

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My tv keeps blanking out. I messaged Optus two nights ago and they were really sarcastic and unhelpful. I am really sick of paying for poor service, bad attitudes and for technology (the fetch box) that does not work (even after resetting every bloody night).

Oh and I have been a loyal customer since 1994! But that means nothing these days.

Oh well…I am exhausted anyway. So off to bed I go.

18 August 2020

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View of Saturn and Jupiter in the night sky above Gardner Falls. 18 August 2019

18 August 2019

2:45 am home from a good night of dancing. I ran out of energy at 12:45 am. Came home, washed off makeup and am quite sore now. But it was worth it. I have had a nice cup of tea and toast with honey.

Time to sleep and recover from the dancing. I got a bit of a mosh in as the band played Zombie. It felt great to let go!

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I chatted this evening for a long time with my soul sister Lyn. She reminded me that my life has never been normal and that in all the ways that truly counted, I was guided by Angels, spirits (some epic shitty little Tricksters, but you get that!) and that even in the worst periods of my life (and there were far too many!) Something or Someone intervened to bring me back to this life.

I can stomp and shout or primal Scream (as one man cunningly suggested this arvo!) but all that psychic energy changes nothing. It only calls down the One Who is Beyond Mortal Ken to activate the chain of events and place me in situations or with people who may not have been safe or kind but brought me (through sheer survivalism!) to the embodiment of All That Is, to gift me the Love and Power long denied me by lacklustre curs. In profoundly enriching ways, that have nothing to do with money/luck or casual fucks.

Do you know how incredibly amazing it feels to be accepted and respected and loved from a place of genuine care, honour and safety?

I can name two Souls who have shared my life with me as longtime “family” - my platonic brave and beautiful ones! 31 years and 27 years respectively.

In a few days it is the fourth anniversary of my suicide attempt which kickstarted another kind of timeline. I have grown and blossomed exponentially, even as I have made a huge Fool of myself. For is not The Fool the harbinger of all new beginnings??? I tried to leap into the Void but She spat me back.

Again recently during that monstrous surgery when I was on my last exhalation. I was smiling into the red world and felt Loved. So loved. Loved like no mortal has ever been willing or able to love me. I cast my arms wide and submitted.

Me! Whom rarely ever Submits! For that is my trigger word from that Lecher of two names and two faces and his self proclaimed Magnifent Penis. (....sings… those Magnificent Men and their flying machines...they go uppitty up, they go downtitty down). Get off my tits, Boys!

But alas (or fucking Hallelujah) I was brought back by a screaming thumb monitor and went back 12 days later to the casino (still in a lot of pain!) to tell Richie to hold off the Wild Turkey (I drink JD FFS) libations as this little Jewish Berserker Viking Warrior Goddess Hobbit Witchy Bitch with sore feet is Back!!!!

I had a choice albeit briefly, of slipping the monitor off my thumb and just leaving this mortal coil but instead I chose Life yet again.

Practising my shamanic breathing I learned at Ecstatic Dance to try to quell the machine’s screaming whining treachery.

Only to live long enough to be stalked by my ex lover and his gf (WTAF?!!! Is wrong with these incredibly shallow people???) who chose, in an entire drumming circle to sit beside me. Even Beauregard stared at them. He recognised his scent. It was very confusing to an animal.

Hahaha. Love is Eternal. Even that dead homeopath psychopath that screwed me over in 2000 and married and had three more children, proved me that when he actually haunted my home by banging on my front door in June 2016.

Even the ghost of a former lover could not leave me without his long annoying (4 consecutive nights) Goodbye. Running up my front steps and banging on my door. Hell the ignoble Spook even scared my dog. But he didn’t scare me.

Why???? I had loved and loved and loved...and received nothing but abuse and he could not transition easily because of it. Never Fuck with a Real Woman with Authentic Love.

So this last former lover is still Alive but remains a ghost in my machine who can only shove women in my face because he lacks dignity and substance. He thinks he can continuously humiliate me.

I am blessed. I am beautiful - not in the way of societal mores but my spirit Shines and it recognises its own and it enfolds and holds precious those who come to her with only pure intent and love. Anyone else that wants to debase me or destabilise me better get the fuck away from me. I wasted eons on idiots.

I grew in Love and grew out of Love but what is truly Mine. My own Beloved??! Would never play such cruel and mindless games.

I may be childlike at times and love my freedom But my heart? Is not a trivial tryst or a trifle.

I am happy I hold such awe and fascination for him though. This is the first time he came out to play in the sunshine and saw an aspect of me that he has never witnessed before. Grace. Happiness. And a loving dog named Beauregard whose kisses are a bit well, wet, but are meant for me.

Well that sounds kinky. But some of you will get my vibe....giggles! My dog showed that man how to love without regrets or bullshit drama or school boyish games. Psy sighs.

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18 August 2018

I have been “loved” in ever-diminishing fractionalised portion-controlled minimising dissections too many fucking times.

I lived with this grief for too many decades. But something miraculous grew out of it: Me.

The people in my life right now, are my greatest loves and teachers, guides and protectors.

I may never have a lover (sexual partner) who truly values, appreciates, commingles and remains loyal/faithful to me.

I gave up on that dream several years ago. But I never lost the Love that I generated like a burgeoning florid bursting dandelion, blowing my tiny fractionalised seeds of hope and true love out into the cosmos.

The right person for me will hear my silent Song, see my spirit, desire my strangely defunct corpulent Hobbit body, meld with my mind and will hold my hands across time and space.

And if he never comes...I am enough! Whole and Loveable and Worthy...all by myself.

I have blossomed back in all the ways that I was cut down/shamed/abused/degraded and unloved. Forests grew in the chasms of my heart, beautiful flowers covered the scar tissue. My stance as I walked this earth became more solid, more stolid.

Only my eyes reveal the pain and even then, if I let you gaze into them long enough you will only see the original source that came to this earth and this body and that will take away only memories of all the beautiful experiences and all the real loves we shared when it leaves this paradigm.

An eternal Light and an eternal seeded future. Back to back. Face to face. Meeting Me in the eternal Now.

A blip and it’s gone. Only the Akashic records will know my name. Only beings of Light shall claim me.

Life is a gift. Use it well and wisely. Hold true to yourself and Life will always hold your truths.

18 August 2017

2.01 am exhausted but itchy and unable to sleep. Grrr. I have a debrief tomorrow at noon. So I have lathered coconut moisturiser over my skin cancerous shoulder blades. Sometimes that soothes them for a while. Really need to get them checked and removed. But dreading more chunks of flesh being excised from 2 year old wounds. Buggar!

Life goes on but it gets harder every year. I guess I need to just lie down and rest until sleep hits me over the head? Yeah baby!

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I just debriefed with my doctor. He reminded me that I am a fierce Warrior Woman who even the bikie clubhouse recognised my spirit after decades of trauma (also inter-generational trauma).

I told him how people think my writings on the internet are crazy. He said that is typical of Abusers. Easy to delegitimise victims as crazy and invalidate them so they can't stand up for themselves or fight back.

The royal commission into institutional abuse was a classic example of Abusers still calling victims, liars or crazy or attacking their families. Oh yes.

But we are standing up and being counted. Pell is being held to account. My friend Vivien R. is going public to the secular press about the cover ups and inadequacies of Jewish organisations that were hired to protect and defend victims but instead enabled further on-going Abuse.

Our time has come to stop the scourge of child sexual abuse in every sector of our world.

I told my doctor that I had even been under spiritual attack lately but reciting Psalm 91 helped clear it (for now!) Spiritual warfare is like a bad case of herpes. It invariably comes back. He agreed I have been a warrior all my life with both human and non-human manifestations.

Time to get myself free of the negativity. Dickhead Free Zone.

A word to all my fellow survivors and compatriots of pain. Don't ever let the bastards grind us down. We have each other and united, we are a force of good and righteous anger that will bring down the evil doers.

I am so proud of you and myself for coming so far on such a long tenuous dangerous journey to wholeness.

I honour you! (Curtsy)! Much love and healing still to come. Fear not.

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Shabbat Shalom!

May peace be upon us on this Shabbat and may the Holy One protect our earth from Rabid lunatics and their henchmen and women! Amen!

18 August 2017

Wild windy day (no wonder I was so restless last night!). I am rather unwell (tummy troubles and fatigue) so am lying on the couch watching movies. Even my eyes hurt! Oh well. Such is the life of The Tanya.

18 August 2016

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I am out with Lyn and Annette at Capalaba Park, having coffee outside at the coffee club, waiting while Annette goes to open a bank account at Heritage bank as her house has finalised.

I have been making a pest of myself, calling Dave and texting him the last few days. So it’s time to pull back and stop making an epic full of myself.

I love him deeply, and I still have no idea why. He just humours me along. He loves the attention and thinks it’s all a big joke, really.

I’m going to keep living my life, hoping, loving, as the alternative is death. I can’t go on like this much longer. Such deep sadness and trauma from the bowels of my very core. One moment I’m feeling happy about moving forward and the next, slipping back into the abyss.

I’ve been kept busy with other people stuff, moving, running around with them. Jarrod says I need to rest as I’ve had no respite from dealing with other people in the four years since the will dispute ended. He has a point. I am being too hard and impatient with myself. It’s hard to heal when I’m constantly on the coal face.

It’s been stressful here. Beauregard, kept yelping and barking in distress while I had coffee at the Coffee Club as I had tied him on a pole outside the eating area. They didn’t want to serve me, so I ate my cheesecake and drank my cappuccino quickly as he was stressed and upsetting the customers.

18 August 2015

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5.18pm just woke up. I slept 11 hours. I needed it. I was emotionally euphoric then got sad around 3 am then got happy again. Lol. Mood Dysphoria. Trauma causes rapid cycling of moods which looks like Bipolar Disorder to the uninitiated.

I need more rest. Not talking to Crystal for a while as she is oblivious to why I finally told her I was so angry about her flying to other end of the world without a return ticket.

Need a rest from epic stupidity and arrogance.

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18 August 2014

4.40 am. Still awake. The silence in the house is palpable. Energy still running high. I am trying not to think deep thoughts which preclude me from sleep. I think some Seroquel will quell my mind.

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I had another awesome Sunday night. Sarah took me to Miss India for dinner then we went dancing at the pub again.

Jabba were playing and the vibe was wonderful!

The indian food must have had some good spices in it cos I danced wildly and athletically all night. I was so sore from all the activity I have had a hot bath. I feel great!

Now watching Being Human, drinking coffee with hazelnut syrup and soothing my soul.

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2.43 pm time to get up. Slept from 7.30-2 but only after I bombed myself out and put on electric blanket as the bed was not warm enough. Will need to dry clean my doona asap. Life is just not the same without it.

My feet are burning from 3 nights dancing and because I had my Docs on last night, I rocked out manicly which I can't do on high heels. It was awesome but now my body is giving me the heebie jeebies for overexerting it. Fuck you Body, I am in charge of this vehicle these days. I had you in shut-down Zombie mode long enough! Dance Bitch!

Oh well...next weekend..I have got to be gentle and sweet and loving to myself. My brain is time fighting as I know I have a small window of opportunity before the descent into old age and Alzheimers or some other limiting illness and I have been limited enough for 47 years.

Time to Fly before I Fry!

Oh dear. Time is of the essence but I am doing as much as I can to suck life to its core and to give succour when I can, to fellow revellers. We are all beating back depression and death with our genial jollity.

It is the only way to fight to a new reality. A re-birthing of epic bliss, free of the past. Like any birth, there are fits and starts, contractions and lulls. Rest and frenetic activity. Ebbs and flows.

Beautiful, powerful thrusts of vitality and inspiration. Thar she Blows, go, go, go...

18 August 2013

Home from a big night out. First with Gail to Greenbank RSL for Jon Bovi Tribute Band. Then Gail dropped me in city.

I met up with a new friend, Sarah. (3rd new Sarah in my life) and we danced until 3 am. Wow! She is a very pretty indigenous/spanish woman who calls me “Auntie”. I think that is so cute! :-).

I met a guy who has had his eye on me for some time, and I, him. He took my mobile number but I doubt he will ring me. Just the usual bs protocol game that men play when they pretend to like you.

I was teasing him for hooking up with another woman. I was actually laughing my arse off cos he normally is so shy and sorta lurks nearby but we have never spoken before. It's all very mental and complicated, but interesting.

I was outrageous and extroverted and scared him. (Good!) My friend Sarah told me not to scare him. She thought it was amusing.

Oh well, I live to fight/flirt/carouse/dance/drink/play another day.

Awesome!

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Watching True Blood season 6. Loving it!

18 August 2011

Gail came over and was pleased with my newly-painted toe-nails. LOL. Now all I need is money for my tattoos etc and I will be a Happening Chicky Babe! LOL. Currently making a second attempt at the Dutch Almond Cake with plain flour this time. Hopefully it works out!

18 August 2010

Today Courtenay and I finished schlepping Crystal's old washing machine and fridge to tip, and I helped Courtenay get rid of green waste etc also. Tomorrow Crystal and I will schlep vege plants etc to her flat. Then the moving saga will be entirely over. Until next time.....shudders.

Copyright Tanya Désirée Arons