Memories: 14 September 2025

14 September 2025

7:08 am I went to bed extremely early….then got smashed with insomnia and a racing heart. I took a Valium. Odd to be having what felt like a panic attack while trying to fall asleep. Should have gone dancing and burnt off that excess energy that way.

By all the gods. My body misses the exercise, the hypervigilence, and the ultimate catharsis. lol. Music really does soothe the savage breast. I need a soft landing and a welcome mat. Take my top hat and strut my stuff. Live my best life, surrounded by people who love me or, if not love me, at least vibe with me.

Well, I descended from the astral back into this body. It was weird becoming conscious of my breathing, the cpap mask crammed on my face, my congested nose, my deep breaths, then feeling the internal gurgling of my recalcitrant form.

But up and at ‘em. Another beautiful morning!

Happy Sunday. Today I might practise spinning on my newly renovated spinning wheel. It’s a good day for it. Keep myself busy and exhausted. My mind has been too active last night. I ran through so many scenarios and recent events trying to make sense out of it or to seek pattern recognition. I had to dull myself down with Valium because my brain would not settle.

Something is about to shift in my world and it’s going to be epic! That much I can discern from my brain deconstructing and scrambling. I am not responsible for the false feckless pissweak narratives of others.

I have only this body, this mind, this heart to navigate through life and sometimes…it is very fraught indeed, and others, astonishingly miraculous.

So I will arise and shine in my own fractalised divinity, while the gods send me miracles, joy and delight to inspire me to go forwards, and try not to look back lest like Lot’s Wife I shall turn into a pillar of salt. Moving forwards, even slowly and painfully, has its soul benefits.

Shedding the dross like a meteor, burning, melting down all that does not serve me, as a woman, a shaman, a spirit.

I wonder what is next? Who will come into my life with genuine love, and be “there” with me and mean it?

But on we go…another day in paradise.

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https://youtube.com/shorts/bbFb7JoWpWU?si=VYEHU6nzYHdb054i

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6:03 pm I am utterly exhausted. I spent the afternoon and early evening, digging out bindis from my back lawn, surrounding the outdoor cages. It was an immense task and I still have a fair bit to do. Mad! But I am trying to preserve my feet from doing the unpleasant bindi hop in a week or so when the prickles set seed. Arrrghhhh.

It was a lovely day out in the garden, so I got lots of fresh air and grounding. My birdie boys were out all day too. I think they are very happy! We even got a most handsome and delightful visitor, the male pale headed rosella!

Life is sweet at Sacred Space, Titania’s Realm.

14 September 2023

Another bad night with my bladder. I was up 9 times. Sleep deprivation is getting intense too. But I had a lovely day yesterday. I will preciously guard the memories. Even as my body is failing me.

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Crystal sent me some more photos from yesterday :-)

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14 September 2022

Another lovely spring day. I visited Lyn and brought Beauregard who entertained himself by digging holes in her garden beds. She didn’t mind. He was covered in garden soil, and even had dirt stuck to his tongue and was so so happy.

Lyn bought me a lovely lunch: a chunky meat pie and a chicken and salad roll. Delicious.

We sat and chatted for a few hours but I grew quite tired as the mullein tea I am drinking to clear my lungs (day 3) seems to wear me out also the constant icky phlegm rising out of my chest. But all good..I am healing.

I came home and sat outside in my garden to rest and enjoy the rest of the afternoon. Grateful and happy and surrounded by my beautiful soulful friends. :-)

14 September 2021

14 September 2020

Dentist at QE 2 got cancelled until Wednesday. Grrr. I have to see a different dentist as they wanted to book me in on 28 September but I can’t wait that much longer.

Need to book in with skin clinic too. My skin cancers on my back that were treated in January are itching like blazes (which means they are turning cancerous again)!

Living in an ageing human body is not for sissies I tell ya!

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It was a beautiful day today. I managed to do three coats of varnish on my dining table (7 in total). Then while waiting for varnish to dry (every two hours) I sanded back my Staff which had gone all tacky.

I will just oil it or put wood seasoning on it I think. It will bring out the natural colours of the timber.

I also did a few loads of washing. Now quite exhausted!

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14 September 2019

1:11 am. Still Awake. Still happy. Magic happens 🙂. The moon is gifting me with beauty, dreams and love.

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11:11 am. Life is good. Unravel it. Tease it out. Tweak it. Laugh at it. Dance with it. Love it. Even in the darkness. Seek your luminaries. People of Soul who will give you strength and treat you with honour and as you begin to heal will celebrate you, in ways great and small.

I am grateful for my Angels (human, non-human and ethereal!) I am Blessed and I am Loved. :-)

Having coffee with my daughter. 🙂. We have been to West End markets too. We have Beauregard with us. He loved checking out the markets, (including choosing to do a poop right in the middle of the thoroughfare, cos he can). Shameeee out, says Crystal!

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14 September 2018

On Wednesday I told my psychiatrist that I had made friends with a man who was quirky, funny and extremely avoidant like me. Another adult survivor. I told my doctor that I had given him my phone number (which is rare!) and offered to go out together as friends. But I don’t think he is much interested in pursuing anything as he is 13 years younger than me.

My doctor became rather excited. He said “don’t let age deter you. My grandmother was 14 years older than my grandfather and they had a long happy marriage!”

I was surprised at seeing my doctor get so excited about the prospect of me having another love affair. Of course he has high hopes that I will find real and lasting happiness with a sexual partner.

While last year, he was wanting me to find a retired psychotherapist on a beach in Byron (because he believes such a person would be expert in dealing with my complex ptsd and relationship issues) he also suggested I find a man who himself had studied or experienced trauma during childhood as such a person would be able to connect to me emotionally and intellectually.

But um, as much as Like Cures Like I know from much bitter disappointments that Like also blows Like out of the water because like knows when they see Bullshit on the shit fan of life spattering everywhere.

And I, cosmically turning shit to gold, am Weary of that.

Come to me clear and clean. Let me know you are real and you truly choose me. I have supped from leftovers for too long. Let me be a Queen of my own ragged jagged life and be my King. Equality in partnership.

Or I am quite content to continue to Walk this Life (dance, strut, cavort, stomp, glide along?) alone. I have done it for 23 years with the love of good friends to boost me up on their shoulders. It is not so bad.

PS Well this writing proved rather prophetic. Shit hit the proverbial. 🙂 scrub them both out of my life, breathe, start again.

It hurts as it is the first time in years (after falling in love with Dave) that I was willing to give another man a chance. I deserve better friends and a loyal partner.

14 September 2017

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I have had a beautiful day, walking around West End with my Beauregard. Albeit in 72 km winds. It reminded me of my childhood in Wellington except here the winds blow very hot air instead of biting breath-stealing frozen ones.

I had a coffee this morning at the little pop-up café outside Woolworths and Beauregard played nicely with a little dog named Tawny. So Bobo has had a lovely day as well.

La Mistral-type wind has brought out all the magical people. :-) so lovely to witness.

https://m.facebook.com/story.php?story_fbid=624804134574979&id=100011361938675&mibextid=v7YzmG

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I threw out dozens of letters in German from my mother's best childhood friend Lotte. From what I could discern she was constantly obsessing over me and my mental health issues too. My mother told her so many lies and she had no way of knowing what a psychopath she was.

Lotte was the woman who bought and sent us the most exquisite China and Crystal and jewellery, clothing and handbags. I was so over-dressed for school in Melbourne, wearing my perfectly tailored German-made clothes that I was constantly beaten up.

My teacher (a lovely American woman from Minneapolis) begged my mother to dress me more casually like the other kids in "dungarees". Lol. My narcissist mother would not let me buy a pair of jeans until I was 14 and then only for horse-riding.

Anyway thanks Auntie Lotte. I know you truly loved me and were extremely generous to me all the years. I hope you are resting in peace and happy wherever you are now. I think you were quite genuinely fond of me. If only you knew the truth, you might have been able to help in some way.

I remember being 8 years old, sitting on your couch in Hammerhof, Hamburg in your opulently decorated apartment, with a handsome black man (an American) and he read my fortune. He became very quiet and upset. I think he saw my suffering. Lotte tried to make light of it but he knew. He was very sweet to me.

That fucking couch was made from a very stiff kind of velvet fabric and I remember it scratched into my thighs. I was most uncomfortable. Later I asked my mother who the kind black man was? She replied "Och Gott, just one of Lotte's many gigolos". I was not sure what a gigolo was but guessed it was some kind of boyfriend.

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I spent tonight still Decluttering paperwork and sorting some I want to keep in a folder. I feel quite light-headed and exhausted. Time to sleep. Laila Tov!

14 September 2016

I had my 2 weekly debrief. My last comment in our session today:

"I have a long history of turning shit to gold. Spiritual gold since I have no money".

My dr: "You are a very good person and I love your integrity. In fact you are a very good Witch".

Me: "Yeah but it has cost me dearly in life."

Still in all I am very proud of the woman I am. Even with my love addiction and my fierce strong independent warrior nature. My complex PTSD giving me the occasional homicidal ideation (because I will never allow victimhood again). Being such a good person can be such a bummer at times. :-).

I am slowly finding my feet. My beautiful garden is flourishing. I am feeling more creative. I still am exceedingly vulnerable and fragile but I also bounce back with the resilience of a steel coil. With a sharp stinging Spring if necessary.

I have experienced real happiness which only a few years back I firmly believed was an emotion and a state of grace that would forever elude me.

I might still be alone but I am filled with a love that burns like a furnace, a light that blinds the eyes of the false and the ignorant but is seen by kindred souls. I am satisfied that I have lived and loved in extraordinarily fraught circumstances and come through untainted by the abuse, misogyny, hatred, incomprehensible Narcopathy of others in my own family and in relationships.

I am older, wiser, more beautiful (albeit still so very tired) than ever in my life before.

I am not diminished by my handicaps (poverty and trauma) but ennobled and emboldened by them.

I am whom I am becoming.

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I took my Beau to the dog park but kept him on a leash. He was a perfect Shit(Zu) (Jack Shit). Still Trying to attack other dogs. But I will persevere. He needs to at least smell everything. I got attacked by midges. So we came home and I smeared myself in tea tree oil.

Earlier I gave him a bath before we visited my psychiatrist. But he threw up in the car. So it was a busy moment, cleaning up when I was running late for my appointment. But we made it.

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Tonight I finished polishing my beautiful bed. Then put the decorations back up on the railing. It looks nice.

14 September 2015

Note to self! Avoid eating Beetroot ever again. Peeing bright Vermillion for a week is not cool. Also explains the fatigue that came with it.

14 September 2014

Getting my hair done tomorrow. Forgot about my appointment. Lucky my beautiful hairdresser reminded me.

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The wind has died. It's a strange stillness. Only sounds are from the fountain, the chooks and other birds. Beautiful sublime bliss.

Out in the sun, eating soy crackers and Brie. Life is not so bad. In fact it is awesome!

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My neighbours are fighting. There goes the sublime serenity lmao. Ding ding ding...round 2! Glad it's not me!

Thank you, Universe for reminding me why it is better to be alone with my animals than live with other humans! Thank you for my peace! Love you, Adonai!

You are a sarcastic G-d but You are Mine and I am Yours (holds imaginary gun to my head..now give me all your money and a decent Male Life Partner! No excuses!). Click, bam, boom! Enter maniacal laughter.

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1:11pm. I ended contact with subject of interest. It hurts but I can't bear the abandonment/rejection cycle. I expect and deserve better.

I have to ask myself why I pour so much love and attention into empty vessels. Perhaps I am empty myself or preparing for the Void?

I must be a masochist who enjoys suffering for my art of love.

So many men have tried to kill the Love inside me and a few even tried to kill me. Yet I keep pulling out the bleeding thorns of the Blooming Rose of Eternal love and hope and optimism and I keep Flowering, even as one bloom dies inside me, a painful husky dessicant death, another buds. Such sweet insanity to watch a new bud unfold into wild joyous passion. Such agony to watch it wither and die.

My life has been tremendous loss and grief and so much failure. Surely wanting one huge momentous Love in my life, a lasting one, a treasured cherished one is not too much to ask for? But it is. I am damaged, broken and discarded.

I am also beautiful in spirit and mind and I shine. My torn fragments of my psyche and my body let the Light shine from the universe in wondrous psychedelic swirls. Who couldn't kill me made me stronger, lighter, a fighter, a lover, a blesser (at times a curser, for only the truly damaged can effect the greatest curses upon those who mar and destroy for no good reason!)

I am a good Woman and I expect Good men and women to be in my life.

I want to finish my life in love, in joy, in art, music, prayer, in good company and in better health or if that is not possible a quick and gentle Death.

It is a beautiful spring day. The sun is warming my body and a zephyr is sweeping out the negativity. The hens are pecking and chortling happily to each other. The fountain is tinkling.

This moment is sublime.

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I had an awesome cuddle with Socks this evening. He was curled up beside me on the couch. Alice in Wonderland was on tv and the line where the father said "do cats even smile?" was uttered. I looked at Socks. He looked back at me and of course, he smiled.

I curled my arm around him and lay my face on his side, with the feather cushion supporting most of the weight of my head.

He nuzzled my fingers as I scratched his cheeks. He let me lay like that with him for a long time, purring. Then he quit purring and went to sleep, content in the embrace.

Then he made little moans in his sleep so I mimicked his moans and he answered me. I said, "I love you Socks". He woke up and looked back at me with unspoken adulation.

I might not be able to attract a human male for genuine inspiring long-term love affairs, but I have Cats. Their love is true and forever.

I picked up Tabitha hen this afternoon for a cuddle too. She nuzzled her head into my chest and I kissed her head and ear. Bird Love is forever.

Love might be "for the Birds" but one day I would like to be loved by a man who doesn't reject and abandon me. Just one final time before I die. It's a pipe dream of mine but hope never dies and loving hearts keep on loving, even when they know better.

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I had a nice dinner with Gail and Tayhlia. Gail made a lovely stew and a trifle for dessert. Yummy!

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Writing poetry that I dare not live or living poetry that I dare not write? :-/

14 September 2013

14 September 2011

Court Update: Scherer Shiksa's shonky Defense and "evidence" was revoked by judge. He gave her lessons in how to write up a proper defense, then ordered she pay her own costs. All good.

He also ordered we go to Mediation, (not so good! imo, as way too early for that) but only after one month's time when she has prepared a legally adequate defense. My Barrister and lawyer have to plead to our claims of undue influence and the suspicious Will. So homework for everyone, and my mind is boggled!

I feel it was incredibly unfair that she was able to speak via Telephone conference from the comfort of her own living room while we, the Plaintiff and my legal team had to appear in Court, all day while the judge basically gave her free hints on how to proceed to the Court's satisfaction.

She felt it unfair she has to pay, but honestly, it's the only way she is going to realise we are not playing Monopoly here but dealing with a small Estate which her incompetence is whittling away (which I am convinced is her strategy in the first instance).

Oh well, my financial future is in the hands of my lawyers and the Court System and I will have to put all my faith in that. Oh and Pray a lot. LOL.

14 September 2010

Feel content but exhausted after water pressure hosing the pathways today. Another third left to do tomorrow or when I can muster up some energy again. Lungs still bad and couldn't do scrubbing on hands and knees for very long, as it crushes my diaphragm and I can't breathe. So annoying.

Which reminds me I was meant to be a princess, not a fricken scrubber. LOL...I wonder when the world will realise my true vocation LOL.

14 September 2008

is slightly hungover after last night's party, Leisha's 40th birthday cruise down the river...woohooo

Copyright Tanya Désirée Arons