Memories: 11 February 2025

11 February 2025

7:39 am whatever firestorm in my mind/body/spirit attacked me yesterday night gave me a reprieve last night. I slept through the night. Woke up feeling moderately refreshed.

Here we go, Babies. Another day in Paradise. I think I will start to feel better when I finish these heavy antibiotics in another day or two. Hopefully my bladder settles back down too.

Life is good. Or rather, it’s what you make of it. I will finish reading “Great Australian Ghost Stories” today.

I ordered some silver clay so I can make Mr Likka’s sacred geometry pendant. I now need to ask Nathan from Ramjet what he’d like? Then my project will be completed.

I am thinking my next creative outflow might be writing a book of something uplifting love stories or spiritual motifs that focus on miracles or other serendipitous encounters. The ghost stories were fascinating but I need more joy and positivity and it will be edifying to manifest my own positive joyful self expression.

Enough darkness and horror. Yin and yang. Light and dark. Overcoming all obstacles, wedging my broken heart and twisted neck off that oppressive glass ceiling that has kept me broken and trapped in a hell loop might be the best outcome.

I don’t know if I can get out from under it, after decades of oppression/suppression and other people’s evils towards me. But if I make it…I might just surprise myself…and everyone. I will prepare myself to both Believe and Receive and continuously co-create with the gods and see what pans out.

Maybe just maybe I will achieve something great! It all starts from Within. Not giving up on myself, or on Life or on Love. Being open to Magick finally manifesting in my life in gentle sweet honouring ways. Kindness, Support. Mind melds. Protection from my “tribe.”

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“Take the Love I have poured into you and gift it to others. Let it ennoble, enrich, enlighten, entertain, encourage and enable. Co create, collaborate, liberate. Spread Joy not Oy!

Find those who witness you and uphold you, stand beside you with solidarity and honour and joy and delight. Proud and happy to be your friend or lover or family member.

Who won’t abandon you when you are sick or fragile or brittle or broken or vulnerable but will carry you on strong shoulders and hold space for you as you heal. Be with someone who communicates, collaborates with you and consecrates. Holds you precious. An equal.

Manifest all your dreams, psychedelic dreamer. Live the very best love story of your life. Real and true and yours. Inspire. But be in it. Let love be your ever-cascading manifestation, your highest expression of your creativity.

Don’t let the false ones stymy you or drag you down. You’ve fought too long and hard for this moment. Let it unfurl and blossom exponentially. Trust in the gods/Angels/ benevolent Ones. Muahhh.”

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I walked that Boulevard of Broken Dreams, danced in that Speak Easy, living wildly, freely expressing my warrior goddess Delightful Dance.

They thought me a freak, a refraction, a victim. Scorned me. Abused me. Betrayed me. Sullied me. But the dance is an illusion. A collaboration with the Unseen and unspoken ones. A creation. A rebirthing. A power manifestation of deep authenticity and love.

So the jokes on them. The shades, the haters the treacherous soul eaters.

We grow back. We blossom. We thrill. We enthrall. We stomp, we fly, we twirl. Swirling in effervescent glorious delightfulness.

You can’t kill our life force. It always finds a way to burst forth in triumphant reclamation. To begin again…somewhere…somehow…

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https://youtu.be/OvCbN1fZX-o

Mama T Musings

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11 February 2023

https://youtu.be/QuIW9SrCWsI

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2:48 am sitting outside the casino. I danced all night. I just gobbled down some hot chips. I can’t feel my feet, my legs, or my hips. I had a nice time.

I danced quite a bit with a strange man. I observed how shy he was for the first few hours. When he finally danced with me, I said “Oh, you are from Afghanistan?” He said “Yes, how did you know that?” I said “From your face”. I was surprised at myself too.

He seemed nice enough. But I am still very wary.

My former lover did not show up which I was glad about, as I have been picking up intense vibes from him which stresses me out. So not sure what exactly I am picking up from him since it seems nonsensical.

I suppose if I am meant to find out who it is that is vamping my energy, the gods will reveal true intentions eventually.

Time to drive home to a hot bath and a cuddle with my dog. His energy never lies!

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3:12 am I just witnessed some maniac driving up the wrong way up Elizabeth street. A young Māori woman jumped out of the car. I asked her if she was all right? She said “No…he’s been torturing me all evening” so another kind man and I, walked her to the Adelaide Street police station. I hope like fuck they help her. It hurt to have to leave her alone but I don’t know her and the best I could do was escort her to the station.

I told her not to go back to the guy. I said once they start with physical violence, it never gets better but only worse. She said they’ve been together for 13 years and have a child together.

I said to her “Move out immediately and get a restraining order on him”. She cried bitterly (more from the shock) and said she won’t go back to their place ever.

The kind man who helped me escort her to the police station told her to stop crying. I said “No honey…you cry. You cry as much as you need to. You cry that man out of your system forever, hear me?”

She squeezed my hand and lay her head in gratitude on my shoulder. I told her “You have been very brave and have survived this time. I am incredibly proud of you.” I also told her “This night is the night you finally get your freedom!” I will pray for her that it is so.

Time to drive home now. The world is a crazy ugly place but I said to the nice man that walked her with me, that we have done our good deed for the night. Let’s hope like hell that never needs to be returned to us in our own crises. He agreed! So there are still good people in this world.

So it seems the weird unsettled danger signals I felt all day yesterday, were a precognition about this I suppose.

11 February 2022

I woke up from a strange dream. It was full of light, golden sunshine which is a good omen.

I was painting Charley’s feathers with red paint that I had dabbed into an artist palette tray. Charley sat very obligingly and let me paint her red. (Hmmm the red Queen in Alice in wonderland who painted the white roses red?)

Then we went out together and people admired my paint job and red bird. We parked the car on a spot near a shop and went in. In it was a much younger Michelle B. (why do I keep dreaming of that woman?)

The shop was sparsely decorated and seemed to sell old furniture and a few ornaments or Knick knacks.

She seemed happy to see me and I felt a warmth of old timeworn unravelled friendship blossom in my chest. (In real life she had never been a true friend but never mind I won’t go there with THAT ugly story).

Anyhow, another woman was working with her and she said there was a white chest of drawers that had beautiful carved cutouts on the drawers that held a beautiful wedding dress that mysteriously, she said had once belonged to me. I replied drily “I don’t think so, I burned that dress a few years ago, symbolic of setting myself free from my childbride past”.

But the woman insisted I look in the drawers. I opened the drawers and sure enough, layered in cream coloured tissue paper was my dress. But instead of the outer dress, it was a medieval bodice and a beautiful full skirt made in the same ivory coloured satin that my dress had been made of. There were petticoats and a beautiful veil. (Logically it was not my dress but yet I recognised it and accepted it as being so).

She insisted I put it on and it fit me perfectly. (That too was weird as I am a much larger size now). I hesitated to put on the veil (symbolic of virginity and new beginnings and chastity and the unwrapping of a gift to some man - or woman if you are marrying another woman).

Michelle and the employee admired me in the dress and encouraged me to put on the veil. I laughed. But when I did so I looked like a young and excited bride and a wave of emotion poured through my older crone body: a wave of titillation, triumph and something that felt like a reckoning, reclaiming my lost status as a woman that was worthy of being cherished, loved, desired and “marriageable”.

My wild Berserker heart started beating in panic as I choose to never cede my freedom for any societal status symbology again but at the same time my blood sang with happiness that I was re-claimed and consecrated in this dress.

While the two women were oohing and ahh-ing, fawning and fêting me, even the red painted Charlie twittering happily, a couple walked into the darker interior of the store, out of the bright sunlight which kinda back-lit them like an angelic aura.

“Wow” they said, “you look beautiful”. I approached them and told them that I had thought I had lost this dress forever but my friend had found it for me in the drawers of the white chest of drawers and now I felt I had to buy the chest of drawers.

“Why not buy the dress?” They asked.

I told them, breaking down into tears, that it was an ancient history and a stain and I would never allow myself that experience again, as it would never be safe for me to do so!

The woman, who looked a bit like a long lost school friend from high school, said “aww, honey” and reached her arm out and embraced me and her male partner, standing close behind her also reached out and patted me on my shoulder and indeed his gentle hesitant touch felt even more empathic and cleansing and beautiful and healing and we stood silently while I sobbed for a few more moments.

Then Michelle said “Omg we have to go!” so suddenly we were in her car and travelling to another house. I started fretting about the car parking limit where my car was parked (which looked like it was on Cavendish road near the intersection of Old Cleveland road near where Miss India used to be).

Michelle was showing me the house when suddenly she received a phone call and burst into tears “they are stealing my inheritance” she said. I told her I understood how that feels as that had been manipulated and orchestrated long before my mother died. Partially enabled by one of her henchmen who I had discussed in real life yesterday. The man we had both known biblically. The man who had haunted my front door in early June 2016. Yuck!

I then started to panic about getting back to my car before I got slammed with a large parking fine. But she was intransigent and telling me that her enemies were stripping her family home of its valuables.

The dream ended.

I woke up feeling emotional but in some aspects there was a great healing in my dream. Especially the nurturing embrace from the strangers who had witnessed my stoic determination, even dressed as a bride, to remain “Free”.

Freedom has a price I have gladly paid over and over again, in spite of long decades of trauma and grief. A too-high price, a withering, winnowing, grinding down price. But valuable only to me who cannot forgo my selfhood, my life force and my weird Berserker battle worn stature.

As my father used to say “There is nothing to fear but fear itself” which is mostly true unless fear has been foisted upon you by external forces too big to conquer and still “they” demand you to obsequiously feint and quiver and humiliate oneself in a false modesty and a confectured humility that you did not willingly choose for yourself: like the illusion of false lovers and treacherous friends.

As I said yesterday to the lawnmower man who was interesting and spiritual and kind: humans are dirty, filthy treacherous creatures but sometimes, just sometimes, you stub your toe on a truly good kind human and it feels like a miracle!

So here I sit in my garden, gifted by the gods, with old trauma processing dreams and an anticipation that something good is opening up for me so I must only wait…waiting as always for Godot, on my quest for a true loyal faithful safe Love and a partner worthy of my unique spirit and brand of insanity.

With my delightfully Fae sense of humour and recalibration of the Absurd in a world gone bollocking nuts with the Covid Epoch but which has illuminated the darkness and the dross and highlighted the few rare precious good people in my orbit.

A gift that could not be purchased with material goods but bestowed by faith, trust and good intentions that followed through.

Thank you. Aho. Amen v’selah.

11 February 2021

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1:11 pm hallelujah

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Today I have battled an intense fatigue. But I have had a pleasant day, watching the esoterica channel and another lecture about Vikings on YouTube. I just got back from taking Charley bird and the Beau en regard for a walk. They thoroughly enjoyed themselves. I just shuffled slowly and gingerly along like the older woman I have Become.

I managed to clean the fishpond filter and do two loads of washing so that was good.

I had a lovely day yesterday as well. Crystal came to visit me and asked me to help her block two scenes and film her for an audition.

After we finished she complimented me on my reading the other part and surprised me by saying “You are a good actress, Mum!” I laughed. I replied “No hon, I am merely a good Mother of an actress” then giggled and said - “Who would have thought I had it in me?”

She complimented me on my filming as I worried it was bouncy or jerky as I struggled to keep her eyeline in the top third of the frame, but when we played it back, it was perfect. We even shot her second scene in one take!

We both had to laugh as in the first scene she got stalked by a massive fly which seemed to come out of nowhere and kept pirrhouetting above her head like a little saboteur. I joked it was the spirit of my dead mother striving to stymy her success as she did that to me my entire life.

(The bitterness still does leach out of me from time to time) but it was recently my evil mother’s birthday and evil entities often pester the living in the form of cockroaches, flies or other symbols of death and decay. So I was only half joking.

We briefly considered filming the first scene again but she laughed and said the fly will be a natural distraction and show her professionalism in “handling” it.

I grinned. My daughter is stoic and resilient and pragmatic like me.

After blocking and filming she took me to an early dinner/late lunch at Grilled at Carindale. So that was a lovely treat.

I don’t know why I am so exhausted today. It’s a strange heaviness that has slammed me out of nowhere.

Sometimes it’s a food-related allergy, sometimes it’s depression, but this feels like a cosmic-type shift which can make me feel quite ill or depleted.

Time will tell. I do think I am coming out of that post traumatic depression I experienced after seeing that last abusing doctor. So I hope to feel a bit brighter in the ensuing weeks.

11 February 2020

The humidity is intense today. I went outside to clean the pond filters. In a relatively short time I had sweat pouring down my face and my dress is wet from perspiration too. Yuck! I need to take a shower and wash my hair because of the sweat. I wasn’t even out there long.

I have put the air con on and have decided to avoid going out today. Also no doubt there is a storm brewing. I can hear thunder in the distance and my asthma is giving me hell.

The rain is good for the garden though. Charlie is outside singing to the other birds or himself. I will bring him back indoors before the storm hits.

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I have found much more love for myself as I have aged. I lived like a little old lady beaten down by life for decades. Then one day I threw off the shackles and false beliefs that I was unworthy and started to enjoy what is mine by divine birthright.

I grew beautiful again (I had been constantly told I was ugly and useless!) and I grew strong again. It took many years.

I began to dance (a year after my mother’s death) and I became a transmogrified butterfly.

Out in the scene, the first 4 years were rough. So many envious vicious people trying to destroy me. But each time I rose above it. I became my own lover and my own power.

Now, I am a force to be reckoned with. Abusers still come to taunt me on the dance floor and I just purge them from my energy.

They are young and foolish and have no idea of what it took to rebuild me. From Ground zero. Not once but many times. I am like a phoenix bird. I will burn myself down and give birth to myself over and over again if I have to.

Freedom, truth, my own inner beauty and love for myself and this planet is all that matters to me.

I will never be beautiful in the eyes of a plastic-fantastic society but I am me and I like it that way.

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11 February 2019

So today the pain in my feet has somehow spread to my upper arms. My arms feel like I was weight-lifting in my sleep. Nuts. I wonder why my bones and joints are acting up?!

I am feeling restless in spite of my aching body. Maybe I should go out somewhere? No idea what I feel like doing. Maybe a coffee or go to the shops? I do need to buy more cat litter.

I hate that sensation of wanting to run amok but in too much pain to be bothered to go anywhere. It’s like being stuck between two paradigms, the proverbial rock and a hard place.

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I need to buy a new transformer and wiring for my pond light. I thought it was the lamp that blew out but while changing over the bulbs I discovered it was not the bulb so had a look at the wiring. It grew hot in my hand so I think the transformer is faulty.

It’s a few years old (maybe about 5?). Anyway more money needed but it’s not absolutely necessary so it can wait. Just a tad annoying.

11 February 2018

Storm brewing. That should bring some relief!

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Here she blows. And Fuck. Cyclonic wind. Scary!

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I had a lovely time last night. My leg is slowly getting better. I had to knock myself out with a Valium at 3.30 am and it took until 5.30 am to fall asleep. I woke up just before 11 am. Not able to sleep more than 6 or 7 hours these days. Which is totally weird even by my standards. I used to be the Dormouse at the Mad Hatters Tea Party!

Oh well HaShem wants me awake and aware for a reason.

I woke up with a terrible longing for Dave which is my worst insanity. I wonder how many more years I am going to love a man who is not even in my life? It is very strange.

But I am blessed with beautiful loving kind and supportive friends who bring me great joy.

One day I might fall in love with someone wonderful again. Only next time it would be great if that person also fell in love with me and didn’t let jealous spiteful vindictive creeps sabotage our union.

I guess I am asking too much from the universe and humans. But it could happen! Other people have partners that both love and respect them and remain faithful and bonded together in bliss.

Just because I have been tragically unlucky in love doesn’t mean things cannot change dramatically in my favour.

I must remain loving and hopeful. A new paradigm is on the horizon.

11 February 2017

I often ponder, what if Sylvia Plath and Virginia Woolf were alive today. Would they have survived today? Or taken the path of oblivion the same way.

Modern pharmaceuticals have gifted me a longer life but not a comfortable one. I often think how heroic it was to choose one's own demise. To bed down the ghosts and monsters from our childhood, our mummies and daddies and lovers: putrid and cruel, but of our soul's choosing. To say Sayonara Sweetheart and fly in the face of torture, privation and lovelessness.

Sylvia: what would you have done to stay alive?

Virginia: why give up so soon?

Tanya: if not now, when? What does it take to thrive?

Peace, courage and mirth. Trust in yourself (G-d or goddess) or a few rare humans who practise lovingkindness and emollient your hearts and minds and skin and soul with Love and light and encouragement.

It takes grace and luck and the brittle prickly irony of shutting down and not giving fucks and clarity and laughter in the face of death, poverty, trauma and betrayals.

I met a young man at 3 am. A very interesting encounter. He asked for a lift to Coorpooroo so without too much caution I obliged him. Told him to pay it forward as I too had been gifted with the kindness of strangers in precarious places.

He asked for my phone number but I demurred. I told him if you are a gambler, you will find me on the dancefloor. He is too young and has hit rock bottom. I know the stink of rock bottom.

I didn't tell him how it slides and gravels down again and again in a deep bottomless abyss of horror. I did however, tell him to put the brakes on his slippery descent. To try to turn his life around, or he will be me one day. Words easier uttered than created. Glib middle of the night empty words.

Nothing can stop us. Lessons are learned and repeated until our eye sockets dry out and hollow.

He was a decent fellow. Asked me for coffee in gratitude for the lift but instead we chatted in my car about spirituality, life and our mutual significant miseries.

Nothing binds humans together like misery. But he told me most of life is finding our why and not our how and when I find it I will succeed. Cute!

I told him I chose this life of poverty to keep safe from abuse in the workforce, abuse with partners, abuse almost everywhere I go.

I told him I had just wanted fun before I died and I have achieved that in the past 5 years. By golly I have achieved that!

Now I dream of peace and happiness and love in Byron Bay. Live out my days in serenity. He said he saw my passion for that fire up in my eyes and I will manifest it if I want it enough.

Yeah right on, but I am wise enough to know that locations and homes and dreams are not always what we signed up for. Things can always go wrong. I have had enough wrongness.

But I will pursue my dreams of love and happiness, as why not? I got time. A day a month a year another decade? Time and illusory dreams are bursting out at the seams of my shellacked existence.

Que sera sera. Next year in Jerusalem. The Holy of Holies of my heart. The goddess within and the God without. Blessings. Opulence and a dry twisted humour not a tumour.

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NOT DOING HOUSEWORK TODAY. Too bloody hot.

I did well with my fiery burst of energy yesterday. But I gotta pace myself.

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Been running all my life (mostly in a vortex on the same spot, going nowhere but older, crazier). It is the journey not the destination. Occasionally I have slid fourth base and thought "Home" but in truth there is no real home. Just walls that smother or cage me.

Hands reach me and throw me up on a fireman's blanket out of the hellfire. But my arse still gets burnt. Some hands throw me cake, others crumbs but I accept all that is gifted me with grace and gratitude.

Running to nowhere and next year or nothingness takes its toll. Sometimes I just want to glide and fly on zephyrs and everlasting love and happiness. It happens. In its own time.

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I have dropped 4 kilos in 2 weeks after my scary sudden weight gain that I can only ascribe to living on codiene with my teeth pain for 8 weeks.

Apparently sudden weight loss is not good for a fatty liver but dammit, I didn't do it purposely. Anyway my body has its own logic. I have been drinking a lot of water in past few days due to the extreme heat. Probably sweated out half a liver, some kidneys and my heart and soul. Blech!

Take me to the sea. I am not a desert dweller. Flat out like a dessicated gecko after Sophie cat has hunted.

I am healed. I am beautiful. I am powerful. I am loved. (I am manifesting affirmations in a denial Drunk with delirious self-abnegation).

But I will not deny myself the simple pleasures of horcrux hope and Pollyanna positivity.

In actual fact, right now I am sitting under my shady umbrella in a garden tinkling with fountains, a scalding heatwave sunshine that dries the eyes and a summer zephyr I prayed for a few posts ago.

Happiness. All is possible. I wants my Precious! I does! Come to me with open arms, open hearts, open minds and soothe our bodies in bliss and commune to the melody of the spheres and never let go of life, of its dreams and of its sweet epiphanies.

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I had a lovely time with Lyn and Peter. The pool was heavenly. Immersing into a watery blessing after a sweltering day was magic. Lyn made crumbed steak and roast veges for our dinner. Yum!

Love love love my beautiful friends who share their bliss with me.

Grateful happy woman here!

11 February 2015

I debriefed with my Doctor today. He said he is sad for me that I have been scapegoated by an entire pub for whistleblowing and for the process of events that led to my victimhood (people aligning with the misogynistic culture of that place and driving me out with vicious lies, slander and innuendo).

He commented I still have fight in my eyes. I said, “Well I am used to fighting bastards with a proverbial axe in my back. The deeper they plant that axe the harder I fight but in truth I am gutted, devastated and feel hopelessly betrayed by so many people that faked friendship”.

I told him that I ended my long standing friendship with Gail after she told me that she and Tayhlia intended to move in my home and I said No, then a week later she picked the time I was in bed, breaking down, to tell me the council will fine me for having banana trees and I would be forced to poison them. When Jarrod checked the BCC website she was proven to have lied.

My Doctor stated she is obviously jealous of the peaceful home I have created and it was evil of her to upset me with threats about my garden, and my source of food and nurturing. I am not going to mend the friendship this time. I am done with the toxicity.

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Crystal popped in for a brief visit yesterday afternoon. She got rather upset about moving overseas and potentially losing her rabbits (if Biosecurity won't let me keep them for her?)

I gave her my mother's ruby and diamond eternity ring. I told her rubies mean true love and she is not to ever take it off.

I decided it is something precious she can keep as a memory of me and my mother. Something to give to her own daughter if she ever has one.

I think Gisela would be happy I gave the ring to Crystal. It was Gisela's birthday on 8th February. I passed the day quietly but the next day was distressing as my beautiful Mischief died, and I had to make a statement to police later that night about my stalker.

So apart from a brief outing to the shops, I kept myself quiet yesterday. I bought 3 ex rental dvds and spent the evening watching 2 of them.

Tomorrow I have my debrief with my psychiatrist. Or rather later today!

Time to schluff!

11 February 2014

I had a lovely time with Lyn and Peter. They bought me a really delicious pizza, then an ice cream for dessert and a Corona beer. Then I had a lovely relaxing swim in their pool. Thanks for spoiling me so much Lyn!

Lyn: Never mind dinner, thanks for the quality company. Chilling out is the best. Nice to enjoy the tranquility after the busiest and most stressful years of our lives have past. Touch wood. Mine 30, yours ... how old are you? :)

Me: My stressors lasted 48 years. Then gradually the Hag Departed, but not before she took Miss Bella Rosa, Zulu, Hecate with her. I am thinking that now I have finally reached the upper slopes of my life's mountain, and the Zenith is in view, I am happy for first time in my life.

Let's hope I make it and Live long enough to fly "over the mountain" free of the Bullshit past and Shaking my Tail Feather with Great Spirit's Blessings set before me and This Time I will be able to eat the Repast of Delights without Fear/Drama/Illness/ or Lack of Love.

Without your steadfast love and support Lyn, and Other brave staunch friends who saw my struggles and were in a position to give of themselves many times and never turned away from me or sold me out I would not be alive today or have lived to find this joy.

Thank you so much! You are the most Wonderful Woman and you know I mean it from the core of my Soul.

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11 February 2013

Wow, I have finally done all the dishes. Phew! Quite an effort. Bed stripped but the mattress protector is on the line so I'll be sleeping in spare room again.

I feel good today, even though my lungs are still aching and my knee hurts and my bones ache. Got stuff done. Even (Gasp!) put away my clean washing from off the chair in the hallway. That has been bugging me for a week or two but somehow only got taken care of this evening.

Lots and lots of other stuff to do...like wash and vaccuum floors, the epic dusting and polishing (getting out of some of that by getting Crystal to come choose "stuff" from my mother that I no longer want cluttering the house!)

I think I must really (Psy Sighs!) attempt to take down all the windows and give them a good scrub. My outlook on the world around my home is rather, blotchy and grimey. hahah. Although when I do clean them, my "stalker" neighbours will be able to see me through the clean windows.

Sometimes it's sensible to be a bit grimey, then I look glamourous and soft-focus through the dirty Looking Glasses. hahah Suckers, have no idea!

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Not much sleep today! Got up by noon, after only sleeping properly from 7.30 am. Hmmm. So I celebrated being awake for a change by driving with Jarrod to Golden Circle. I was rather disappointed in their lack of Golden Circle Soft Drinks and even more upsetting, they didn't have bags of NZ Jet Planes anymore. Grrr.

I came home and did some work on the garden. My knee is aching but felt good to be outside in the sunshine for a change. :-)

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11 February 2012

I've had an awesome day. Body surfing all day with Julie and Tracy at Dickie Beach, Caloundra. Then showered and dressed sexy for a good night out at the Clubhouse.

Now home and enjoying my Bliss out Lol. The ocean was amazing and warm like a bath! I got a bit burnt but it was well worth it!

11 February 2011

I had a lovely long chat with my Crystal and I managed to clean the walls and stovetop in my kitchen (At long last!) It was really grubby. So bit by bit I am achieving order out of chaos, if only in a very chaotic, disconnected way. OY! One day I hope to have the whole house in order, schmick clean, tidy and sensible. That will be amazing. It's been about 2 years since I've achieved that I think, maybe longer.

I also cleaned the mould off the ceiling in the bathroom and hallway. Now just the lounge, kitchen and bedrooms to do. Slow but steady progress.

Lyn: But not the job we shall never, ever discuss nor ever mention ever again .... ok? :)

Me: Hahahahah, I am gearing up to knock over the unmentionable job this week (kinda sounds like I have a hit on someone lol).

Yes, I do believe I will at long last clean my floors thoroughly. I am still finishing the dishes I'd accumulated in the bath. Scary. There was a lot. I only resorted to doing them cos I ran out of cutlery LOL.

I sliced my finger on one of the sharp knives in the bath that I didn't see when I attempted to clean lol. Now I have to clean out the blood.

If I kept a kosher kitchen my bathtub would now be officially "Fleishig", eeek.... so a bloody good scrub will be in order. Ooops there's that blood word again. I got a bit of a fright cos I bled so much but it was just cos my hands were wet. Phew. No mad rush to hospital for stitches or anything. Double Phew. I hate hospital waiting rooms.

11 February 2010

Had fun with my mother today, she was awake and alert. I played kitsch songs from my childhood to her, german sea shantis and my Halloween compilation.

She really loved Doris Day's Bewitched, Bothered and Bewildered, and Ella Fitzegerald's That Old Black Magic. It was a bit of a faux pas playing Hotel California from the Eagles because of the line "you can check in anytime you like, but you can never leave".

Music is the last faculty to go in the Alzheimer’s brain. I was glad to see her eyes spark up with nostalgia when I played her old music.

Somewhere tucked deep inside that shell was my mother. Even a woman I had never met that existed long before she birthed me when she was 38.

It was amazing and humbling and a bit terrifying.

One time, close to her end, I played her “Ich Habe Heimweh Nach St Pauli” a sea shanty about going home to a suburb in Hamburg (where Mum was christened!)

I got very emotional As I knew she was indeed going home! To Paradise!

She picked up on it. (Even with a spongy rotten brain, her spirit was very psychic and astute).

She snapped at me, spitting out the words viciously “Just stop it!” I realised she feared death and knew I was prematurely grieving. (I had grieved not having a decent kind loving mother all my life but this was the final grieving process, her actual imminent death. “Ok Mum, ok” I said.

I never played that song again, until her funeral. We played that, and “Both sides now” and “I did it my way!”

It captured so much of who she was.

Copyright Tanya Désirée Arons