Memories: 10 February 2025

10 February 2025

3:50 am No rest for The Tanya. My bladder is playing up merry hell. Up every 30-40 minutes. I am not sure what has caused this sudden malaise with my bladder and lack of sleep. I have been doing so well in recent weeks, only getting up once or twice a night.

Maybe I overdid it lately? Even my shin bones are aching. I guess I will give up on sleep and watch a movie or read a book. It’s a waste of time lying here, playing dead.

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4:58 am Good morning/Boker Tov! From Sleepless in Bris….Bane!

10 February 2023

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Inspired by listening to the Esoterica talks on the Zohar, Mama T lit the Shabbat candles in honour of the holy Shabbat.

This little heathen, daughter of the gods, will be out Dancing tonight, according to my usual “Shamaniac” practise. I will dance with the spirits, the fae and the holy one in all manifestations, under the blessed and protective eye of the One who neither slumbers nor sleeps. Insomnia is not just for menopausal women ;-)

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2:05 pm I am home from visiting the skin doctor to get the stitches out. All done. However I feel very strange in the head. Like something huge is about to happen. I dragged myself there then went to Hungry Jacks (thinking my weird mood was hunger related).

I ate my food in the car park. Still felt “off”. I drove to get petrol. I had to drive further as the Petrol station at Stones corner is demolished. This seems to happen frequently now. Demolished vacant service stations!

I drove to the servo at Coopooroo. Got Petrol. I had considered driving 30 minutes drive to Browns Plains recycling centre to look for a square bath tub to replace my leaky one. But it’s too hot and I am too out of my head today. Not worth a long drive when I feel this mood disordered.

So I came straight home. Beauregard was so happy to see me that as I lay down on my bed, he jumped all over me and licked my face.

But some of the impending doom caused by anxiety can wash away now. My stitches are out, I have Petrol. I am free. I am happy. I am a vibrant, capable, talented, beautiful woman. I need not languish in the shadowlands of my own mortality and despair.

It’s all good. I will dance tonight! But first I must rest. Recalibrate my body mind and spirit. Be gentle with myself.

10 February 2022

I had a beautiful day yesterday. In the midst of my emotional breakdown over lawnmowing.

I applied for a NILS loan and found the women from Good Shepherd to be very kind and supportive and indeed nurturing. I don’t know yet if my application was successful but I am grateful for the kindness and support, especially their financial counsellor from YFS who told me that despite my many years of poverty I had obviously managed my limited finances quite well as I have no debts. I felt less like a failure and a schmuck.

I told her I am very careful with my pension money although it is almost impossible to save large enough sums of money to give me a buffer for larger items like beds or lawnmowers or fridges etc.

I have been very fortunate to have had a very protecting loving earthangel who has gifted me things I most needed.

Rose told me that when I am in the Nils program it will mean that when I pay off the lawnmower I can then continuously apply for assistance with other items as needed. I told her that the next item would be a new mattress but other than that I don’t really need anything.

Not needing anything is a state of equilibrium and “prosperity” for me.

I am praying I get approval so I can be independent of the ugliness of dealing with lawnmowing contractors who are rude, or unreliable or in the case of Clarry, downright sexually harassing! Yuck.

I want to stay in my home as long as I can so having a good quality lawnmower means I can maintain the lawns and keep my home.

I had my debrief with my psychiatrist who told me that I had created my “Byron Bay” without the sea on my property, a safe haven and a beautiful garden where I can ground myself and relax and have peace away from the external Covid madness and evil inversions.

He said he did not want me to downsize to a small unit as he has seen my mental health stabilise in the past two years primarily because of my little bubble with my garden and my “cottage industry” new hobby and my keeping myself isolated and safe as much as possible.

I told him I was in the middle of one of my breakdowns over grass. But he said it’s more than that. It’s about keeping my home and safe space and getting a lawnmower means I no longer have to feel invaded or jump through hoops with men just to keep my home in a pristine condition, and that their various inappropriateness destabilises me and indeed feels life threatening. So I am not being silly or catastrophising at all.

Then the miracle that came out of the blue around 2 pm was that Crystal invited me to go to Maiala forest at Mt Glorious with her. So we left at 4 pm and did indeed have the most glorious time, even though the walk was 4.2 kilometres down to the waterfall and back and I struggled with my asthma but pushed ahead like a happy little Berserker!

I brought home some bunya nuts we found there. Crystal bought pizza from Pizza capers with calzone and chips and we ate splendidly and contentedly.

Then I soaked the bunya nuts in boiling water so we could peel them. They tasted bland so I think they would be better cooked.

But it was another new experience. Real aboriginal bush tucker!

Crystal was very loving yesterday and I told her I had had a lovely day and felt very nurtured in the midst of my worries about the lawns.

Lyn organised a man to come to mow the lawns tomorrow so that is another great hurdle overcome. Another kindness. I am hoping I can buy the lawnmower soon so I can begin my pathway to Independance.

But I have seen how my distress calls have been witnessed and my prayers answered in a matter of four days.

I am grateful! And happy.

Two days ago my elderly friend Ailsa told me, witnessing my tears and anxiety, told me that I need not worry and should just sit in my garden and Sing! I said to her bemusedly “what shall I sing about?” She replied “Well I sing every day ‘dear god, get these people far away from me!’”

I laughed uproariously as she is well loved and protected by her family but she hates the loss of her freedom and Independance so I well understand her feelings of engulfment and frustrations.

I sang with Crystal on the mountain. Iris by the Goo goo dolls which is my ode to my former lover (I know, I know…pathetic!) but it lightened my heart somewhat.

Nothing like singing your love out to the ether, to nature, to the spirits that love us, nurture us and witness us and see what magick in the form of great loyal faithful and stoic love comes back.

Sigh… The Tanya..ever also the Psychedelic Dreamer, weaving LOVE from her fragmented kinstiguied heart and blowing life back into it.

It’s beautiful and terrifying to the uninitiated.

10 February 2017

I am spring cleaning! In the stinking sweltering heat of summer's worst heatwave. In my sarong! Almost naked but sacred.

Filth begone! Sugarsoaping my walls as Housing Commission still won't come paint the walls and they are filthy anyway. I may have to buy the paint and paint the house myself. That way I will have hit the refresh button on my panic room devolution life. Haha! Spiral upwards in love, hope and happiness...again!

I have opened my home to couchsurfers. So I want the house clean so I don't have to feel ashamed of myself.

I hope I can get the walls clean as I may have a house guest for a few weeks. If not, I will have a clean house and a clean heart.

Today I woke up feeling powerful and positive and thought, yeah right, how long will that last? As long as I keep manifesting it, Baby!

So I will scrub this joint and get my house in order and expect good times, good vibes and good people to enter my life.

I closed the door on so many superficial Users and abusers last year and this year too.

True loves, true friends always welcome.

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As I am decluttering my life I discover that a tapestry I did when I was 9 years old as been gnawed on my moths. Wtf. It is 43 years old. Wahhh! Time to live like Frozen and "Let it go!!!" Lmao

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Oh my. Just had a shower to wash off the epic sweat from cleaning walls (got only quarter of one room done) and vacuuming and mopping floors. Too much too quick. Argghhhh.

Karen is on her way over to take me out dancing, which I was not gonna do this weekend as so broke but hey, she insisted on taking me out so off we go again.

I need to lie down for a while and put my feet up as I am so sore and tired. Still need to vacuum and mop the kitchen. I guess it can wait until tomorrow.

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10 February 2014

I spent today in recovery in bed. I slept heaps. Then in the late arvo, I got up, filled up the fishponds, cleaned the filters. Fed the fish. I am very happy with my little fishies. Some of them are getting quite big actually.

I am now waiting for Crystal to bring back my car and a yummy Caramel Tart she bought at Yatala Pie Shop. Nice!

I feel like I want to go out which is silly as I have a slight headache from not drinking enough fluids as I was sleeping. So I am guessing this Wolf Woman is feeling the waxing Moon Energies. I reckon Valentines Day 2014 is going to be MADDDDDD as it falls on the Full Moon.

Time for the Howling, the Dancing, the Stomping, the Cavorting, the raising Hell with my galpals then going home alone...as usual hahah.

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I am missing my car....blech. No plans to go anywhere, just hate the feeling of being a prisoner in my home and having my freedom curtailed. I slept til almost 1 pm, still recovering from the mad weekend dancing at Irish Murphy's and outside the casino with my busker friend George.

Poor old Brian who 'rode' with me into the sunset on the defunct motorbike on Friday had no memory of this by Sat night. hahahha. I told him I have photographic evidence and he wanted to see but I'd left my iphone in the car. I'll have to show him our antics next weekend.

10 February 2013

6.39pm. Awake. Aware. Lungs still congested but the dancing last night really gave me a boost. Got home at 2.30am. Talked on Paltalk. Watched a movie on TV. Went to bed at 5 am. Didn't sleep until after 6 am. Really needed my 12 hours sleep today but feel good for it.

I have been out to give chooks a run before it gets dark and refreshed their water and food containers. 2 eggs today. Hecate STILL brooding!

Copyright Tanya Désirée Arons