Making amends...aka...

You can call it making amends or taking ownership of personal actions or giving sincere, heartfelt apologies along with changed behavior patterns, call it whatever, but it was the scariest thing on my list of steps in recovery. When this step came around (Step 8) I had already admitted out loud how shitty I had been to friends, family, etc. now I had to face these people if and when possible to apologize and do whatever it took to amend the wrong-doing? Oh, please no, it wasn't enough to just say "Sorry" and move on? I had done lots of damage emotionally and abused friendships financially for which I had to atone.

In the mornings at my house I read a daily devotional book that has a "theme" or principle to focus on for the day; this morning was relating to the proper way to make an amends to someone you have harmed in your active addiction. Asking for mercy instead of justice- was the "theme". I was explaining to Mr. Wright that it's not just acknowledging the behavior or attitudes that caused dissent in the relationship itself but also the action of replacing, fixing or repairing what was broken. It could be trust, money, equipment, anything you might have taken advantage of despite the emotional and physical consequences.

Most of the time I broke someone's trust,I knew I could "fix" it long enough to take advantage of them again. Behave just so they would begin to think I had "turned" a corner or a new leaf. Until I was ready to see how my behavior negatively impacted my life and those around me suffering due to my presence, I couldn't get better. That was almost 5 years ago and I make it a point to not behave in ways that require an amends but I am way more capable of owning my actions, apologizing sincerely and making my best effort to not repeat offend.

Back in my drinking days I would love to point fingers, blame others and avoided responsibility like it was the plague. Today I can keep my house in order by acknowledging when I've wronged myself or someone else. Getting the opportunity to make things right is quite possibly one of the best feelings; mainly because once I realize I may not have acted from a space of love, acceptance and tolerance; I am free to admit my humanity and regain some divinity. When I first began making my amends I wanted everything to be "fixed" and "back to normal" immediately but that doesn't always work nor is that what I am entitled to. I am entitled to nothing from these individuals; the clearing of my conscious is for my sanity and to correct my wrong-doings so as not to generate more negative karma.

Earlier this year I was afforded the opportunity to correct an overly emotional reaction to a friend and despite the air being cleared, the damage had been done and the friendship irreconcilable. Though I am grateful to have spoken with and healed that wound, the scar of our good times as "partners in crime" will always break open a little when I hear our songs, pictures resurface and I see our children grow. I selfishly expected her to forgive and forget....I am thankful to have at least her forgiveness. First I had to grant that same forgiveness to myself because in my healthy, happy, connected state of mind I wouldn't have behaved the way I had.

Admitting when you're wrong has become such an issue with society so I am here to tell you: it can be so healing and a relief to say "I am acknowledging my behavior and or actions have hurt/upset/impacted you negatively and moving forward I will give my best effort to not make the same mistake." As hard as it may seem to do, the more often you do it the easier the practice becomes. Follow through is also important, because apologies without changed behavior is another form of emotional manipulation and no one deserves that. Be honest with yourself and others today, the world needs more truth.