Losing you

Waves crashing. Darkness consuming. Looking into three sets of tiny eyes and speaking the words, "Daddy's body was to sick..." Endless tears. All of these things are my life now. Six months feels like six life times, and also six seconds. How could you be stolen from us? How can you be gone? Yesterday I was laying next to you. Wishing I would have held you tighter. Begging the universe for just one more second of your skin against mine. Sniffing the air hoping to just smell your scent one last time. Why did I tell our girls you would be ok? I promised them you were strong. Regretting those words once I saw your mangled body in that hospital bed. Every doctor and nurse telling me there was nothing they could do. Sitting with your empty shell overnight. Hating the woman who was driving that car. Why you? Why...you...? Searching for your light in every day. Watching for blue jays and deer. Are you out there? My soul still searches for yours. I wonder if you see me now, I'm a shell just like you were. Putting my happy mask on so the world can't look to deep. What is under these layers of pretending? Waves crashing. Darkness consuming. Oh and those tiny eyes...always watching. Would you be proud of who I am now? Half a year...how has it been so long. Look at me go, rambling on the internet, writing my feelings down. How many years has it been since I've written anything? Would you read these words? Oh love of my life why you. Why...you? Through every battle and every hardship we endured. From high school sweet hearts to burying your ashes. What is this life now without you...? I look to our girls, our three precious girls. How will I raise them without you? How will I teach them about happiness when I can't even muster up my own? They look to me for all the answers now and with my empty shell and happy mask I try my hardest to show them a future with love and happiness. I will fake it till I make it...just fake it... Ground me love. Ground me with your spirit. Guide me from the other side where your spirit now watches over us. I will watch for those blue jays and slow for those deer who cross my path. Broken...bleeding...those images just wont leave my mind. Those doctors repeating their sermon. "There's nothing we can do." How can I continue again? With those images flooding my mind. With those three sets of tiny eyes...always...watching. Do you see them when they smile? Do you see us when we go on adventures? Are you with us at night when we all can't sleep? Do you see me pursuing my dreams? I hope you know that every picture I take, It's all for you now. I will not give up or give in to this shell that has consumed me. I will fake it, I will pretend, I will endure, until I fill this empty shell again. I will take our children to the ends of the earth and back again just like we always wanted. I will not sit still...I will make you proud. Will you walk with your spirit intertwined with mine and give me your strength? You are the strongest man that has ever walked into my life and I know that just being with you for the last ten years has made me stronger. I have lost myself for now, but through this darkness I know your soul is guiding me. Those three sets of tiny eyes...waves crashing...darkness consuming...and your hand holding mine forever from the other side...