If it was meant for me, if the time was right - I would have already gotten it.

And I did have a plan, since I was 17. I spent years sticking to my plan like a checklist. Finish high school, check. Get into a psychology programme, check. Graduate from university, check. All that’s left is to get a job, buy a car, get a house, get married, have at least 2 kids. I held this plan close to my heart and it was all I could think about when I imagine myself in 5-10 years. I believed that if I stayed on track, everything would be alright. That my parents’ efforts were not for nothing.

What I didn’t plan for…was to get sick.

I didn’t plan to suddenly experience unexplained pain, from migraines to fevers to joints that felt like rust. I didn’t plan on getting in and out of hospitals. I didn’t plan on not being able to work. I didn’t plan on being in pain when I started working again, against my doctor’s wishes. I didn’t plan to be a financial burden, to be overwhelmed with medical bills and fear. I didn’t plan on having a handful of medication as my daily diet. I didn’t plan on being stuck at home, watching the days go by as the world and my peers move on without me. I didn’t plan to feel like a failure before I could even begin.

It’s hard to watch everyone live their lives when you’re forced to slow down. I feel like I’m falling behind and there’s a tinge of embarrassment. They could do it, why can’t I?

I find myself at home, applying for jobs that I could do in the comfort of my home or at the very least, jobs that won’t end with me staying in bed for days at a time. I’ve applied for more than I could count and have only gotten one interview. I haven’t heard from them in almost two months. I spend my days wondering how could I help my family financially when I have trouble helping myself. Day by day, I felt my plans and dreams slip away. For once in a long time, I don’t know where I saw myself in 5-10 years. I don’t even know where I could see myself in a month or two.

And I’d be lying if I said that this didn’t bother me. If I said I wasn’t angry or scared or tired of it all. If I said I didn’t throw my questions at God and bargained with Him. “Please,” was all I could mutter in my prayers most nights. My plan that I have been sticking to for years has suddenly gone off track and I’m left wondering where did I go wrong?

Then one day, my mum said something that woke me up from the trance I was stuck in for months now: “If it was meant for you, if the time was right - you would have already gotten it.”

And it felt like the dark cloud that has been above my head had been blown away, leaving a gentle breeze. Suddenly, a heaviness that I didn’t even realize was sitting on my shoulders, was gone.

Because it was so simple: If it was meant for me, I would have already gotten it.

So maybe I haven’t abandoned my plan. Maybe I’m just taking a different and longer route to get there. And maybe that’s okay.

There’s no use forcing something that isn’t supposed to be yours yet. No use forcing something that God is still shaping, making it perfect just for you. Until then, I’ll wait. I’ll hope. I’ll pray and keep faith.

And one day, without even realizing it, I’ll find myself living the life I’ve always dreamed of. Working a job that I love. Not worrying about money. Having dinner with the love of my life and the two children that we raised with love.

And I’ll know that all that time I spent waiting led me straight to where I wanted to be anyway. That it was all not for nothing.