The love I never thought I’d find

I grew up in believing the Disney-style of love, where the good guys will meet their one true love and they live happily ever after. I thought that if I was kind and patient enough, someone will come into my life and I’ll live the Disney dream. I aspired to be as Disney-like as I could, except for the“talking to animals” part. I did try - but I just looked crazy and I got annoyed that I was basically talking to myself. I kept a pet rock, though, so that’s a bonus.

I dreamed that I would experience love like the movies because it seemed so beautiful and easy. And it made sense to child-me. Why would love be anything but beautiful and easy?

After my parents’ divorce, I learnt that love wasn’t easy. Then, growing up seeing my peers getting crushed on or getting into relationships, I also learnt that love wasn’t meant for me. It wasn’t that I didn’t want love but I caught on quick that love didn’t want me. It seemed so out of my reach. My rose-tinted view of love clouded over, and coupled with the crushing realisation that I wasn’t the type to be pursued romantically, the Disney dream became a blur.

That hurt my self-esteem for longer than I’d like to admit. First I thought that maybe I wasn’t pretty. Then I thought that maybe I was mean. Then maybe both. I went through endless cycles of trying to figure out what was wrong with me. Until one day I realised that maybe love just wasn’t meant for me. I read somewhere that romantic love is a blessing that not all of us are promised to have.

Due to my lack of experience, I don’t know much about love. But I do know that it takes a lot of work and being intentional with your actions. Ones I can’t imagine anyone willing to do for me. I can’t imagine someone beaming when I walk into a room or get lost in thought when thinking about me. Blood rushing to someone’s cheeks at the mere sound of my name seems more delusional than a fairytale. Someone choosing me, over and over again, feels unrealistic.

I cant imagine anyone loving me - except for myself.

I have been my number one fan for as long as I can remember. I told myself I was beautiful countless times even when I didn’t believe it. Until one day, I finally did. I picked myself up when I hit rock bottom. Patted my own back to keep going. I hyped myself up and became my own cheerleader. Over and over again, I chose myself.

I was intentional with how I treat me. I treated myself with kindness, patience, empathy, and love. It took some time to realise that the love I have always dreamed of was in me all along. Cliché, but true. I taught myself to love me, and it is one of my greatest achievements. Of course, there are days where loving myself is easier said than done and the path to where I am now hasn’t been linear. But I am proud of how far I’ve come.

I’m still open to the possibility that someday, someone may change my mind. But for now, I am content with being with myself. Without a doubt, I am still a hopeless romantic and daydream about love from time to time, but the love I have for myself overflows in abundance. I don’t mind if no one ends up surpassing it.

Maybe all along, the Disney dream wasn’t about waiting for a prince and a happily ever after. Maybe it was always about finding myself amidst adversity, cherishing love around me, and writing my own kind of beautiful journey.