I resign from resignation

I resign from resignation. I have had far too many times in my life where I have wanted to quit. Quit feeling so much, quit failing so hard, quit, quit, quit. I quit from being a quitter. I have had hundreds of rejections from my writing over the last few years. Yes, I am disappointed every time, but I can’t stop. I can’t stop even if a review I read says they think my characters are unlikeable. I understand other people may not like my work. I know that it’s hard to keep going. I feel I must.

There’s a level of humility when it comes to knowing when to quit. Like Judy Hopps in Zootopia, “I just don’t know when to quit.”

It’s more than a lack of humility, it’s a horrible, heavy burden of drive that makes me feel like I must continue. I have had enough of my own personal depression from my past, and present, that I realized that productivity and self worth is more important than humility. I know that may bother some people but I don’t know how else to be.

Having my family feel broken up even as we all still lived together was a huge part of my childhood experience. Having severe trauma from an incident with my mother when I was eleven made me realize that tension between others never really left. It built up until something bursted. I resign myself from giving up on the people I care about, too.

Loving others even as they gave me no reason to is another thing I realized was important. You don’t have to have them in your life, but you can forgive them and move on in a positive attitude. Living in abusive relationships and dealing with people’s anger, it either helps you grow stronger or breaks you. And honestly, I was broken before I started growing stronger.

Being a mother, I knew quitting was off of my game plan for life. I had other lives to support, love and care for. This was a turning point for me in many arenas. I knew that I would do anything for my children. I still would. It’s a hard thing to do when you feel at your worst, emotionally, physically and psychologically, but you still need to do laundry, cook dinner and clean the house. But, you do it, and that is the testament to our power and strength of mind and spirit.

I resign from resignation. I refuse to accept defeat even if I have been rejected by others, friends, colleagues or even publishers. I know that I have something that I can offer to others.

I’m also a very impatient person and I feel an urgency to get myself out there in the open. I burst out all my raw energy and emotion into a whole mass of word vomit and I hope you all understand it. Sometimes I’ll just pour out my thoughts and anger and fear and I’ll be so anxious about how my work comes out.

There have been times I have felt utterly defeated by just being myself. Being alone in my own thoughts, weird and confused and chaotic, I feel like others misunderstand me often. Being on the gender queer spectrum and not fully out with family is hard. I have accepted this and understood that being myself in a safe and supportive capacity, even privately, it’s ok.

I know I test my willingness to never quit everyday. But I know through my worst days, I never felt like quitting was a option. The one time I did, however, was a suicidal attempt because I lost a very important person in my life as a teenager. A love interest that was my best friend. However, after that, I told myself that rejection, of any type, emotional, financial or otherwise, wouldn’t ever come between me and my heart, my life and my future ever again.

A good friend of mine has recently told me she has cancer and all of her upcoming treatments and education classes on her cancer journey. The one thing I really admire is her dedication to herself and the fact that she’s not letting cancer bring her down. She even told me that after chemo, losing her hair would give way to her finding cute wigs… I truly find her positive vibes addictive!

Out of everything, all of the best things in my life have come from the worst things. I find the hope, beauty and love through my pain, agony, depression and rejection.

I hope that anyone in similar circumstances can find a piece of silver hope in my words. I truly have wanted to lay down and die at some points in my childhood, my adulthood and on specific occasions. I have seen people in my lifetime that were abusive and cruel become good and better than they could’ve ever dreamed of.

Life is about the process of making all things happen even in the most extreme or complicated circumstances. I really hope you resign from resignation, too. I resign from this position of ever quitting effective immediately.