I like Thinking About My Future so Much and I Realized Why.

I have a Vision Board plastered on my wall, mounted with M3 tapes which I know would probably create a nice square shape if it had been taken out from the position it’s held after years and years of existence.

The little hanging metal bars near my work desk have a bunch of papers clipped to each other and stacked with dust. Those are my secret plans.

My notebook I keep beside me all the time, I feel like my life is incomplete without it has tons of ideas about my future that no one else knows about.

Well, I have various positive affirmations littering my walls and desk too, and guess what? They are also about the future.

Heck, I thought we’d finish expounding. But frankly, I have thousands of digitized contents — websites, social accounts, assessments, bookmarks, and a whole other level of mind-mapping apps and tools that I could access in a heartbeat. Then, you’ll see when opened, a long and refined list of future plans.

To be honest, jotting down my plan feels like you’re screaming ideas in an abyss. Technically, those plans aren’t real. Yet. And just to reiterate, it isn’t real. I have a completely made-up story in mind. I like to accessorize it with some success stories or some hardships on the side. I even delineated some practical steps I should take, as if it were possible to happen tomorrow for me.

So… This is kind of concerning somehow. Don’t worry, I’ve come to acknowledge that this just isn’t right, I shouldn’t sleep on my past let alone on the present!

I gathered my thoughts, examined them, and then organized what this meant for me.

I simply thought that this was unfair to myself because I never really had enough time to enjoy the present. I was being hacked to think that my future was better while forgetting that where I am right now was a dream come true to myself in the past, one way or another.

To even be allured of the future, without considering the present, seems too prone to error. Like, what do you mean you’ll be more happy in the future, how do you know?

Would the future matter if I’m not staying in the present moment?

Does that mean that in the future, I’d still not live in my moment?

I realized I had some reframing to do.

I’ll be diving into my arguments first regarding this crisis because it’s rightly important that I do that.

I could offer myself one great idea as to why I like thinking about my future so much — It was because I was in control of something.

In reality, I have a plausible explanation if we’re aiming for a scientific reason.

My bipolar disorder diagnosis could have likely aggravated conditions surrounding my desire for the future.

I was pretty much predisposed to have thoughts that may fire as rapidly as they can from neuron to neuron. Because my mind is in a hypomanic state (which, believe me, shows up to me more frequently than its other polar opposite twin, depression), I become too engaged with ideas and find it hard to let them go.

Ideas or thoughts then turn into impulses or feelings, and when we act on them — we call that behavior. (Hence, the littered walls of my room about a screaming abyss of future plans.)

This process couldn’t find a way for its demise. It simply cycles itself back to generating ideas and leading impulses. It never gets resolved because the product isn’t made yet.

But, if we’re combining both the two notions I have about my future-focused thinking, they tend to relate with each other–one way or the other.

When you are highly vulnerable to stress, you learn how to overcome it or at least avoid losing yourself to it.

After rising to my battles, I noticed that being in control was critical to my well-being and thus, should be prioritized.

The analogy went like this: the more I had control over myself or my surroundings, the more I could cope and lessen the impact of stress on my mental health.

My mind as it fires various inputs linking plenty of neurons together and showing up ideas, finds that made-up stuff could be fun. It shows that I could get something out of this, it means I could formulate insights then, the overstimulation would start. All these and more.

The truth is, this could be the same for others. Not the bipolar disorder diagnosis, duh. People like to be in control of situations.

We all want things to go the way we desire it. We like to be the commander of events, the decision-makers of opportunities, and the success stories we share on social media. We dream of the things we share with people in hopes of it happening to us one day.

But, it’s a fallacy so beware. There are plenty of loopholes to this narrative of “becoming.” Let me share an example:

I watched a YouTube video where they were interviewing tons of people and asking them what their regrets were. They said that if you were to achieve things you wanted to have faster, the more you’ll realize afterward that what you really only wanted was to spend time with your loved ones.

This is something to me like a mundane answer. It’s your typical advice that we hear around when people get interviewed about this kind of stuff.

That person on YouTube specifically pertains to their parents. Like, you know, be with them because they’re not always gonna be there.

But, what I thought about and realized was that:

I want to be in a kind of future where I could remember my Mom all the time–As if she was with me again.

She left me for the stars exactly 9 months ago.

In this realization, it was her again all along. It was Mom again because the future I always daydreamed and planned about are the places and states of mind where I’m reminded of her.

I crafted an elaborate and detailed plan to incorporate themes that would bring her honor. I put my Vision Board on my wall where it’s visible going in and out of my room so that I could remember my dreams and goals encasing the aspirations I have as an ode to her life.

The small pieces of scrap piled on each other hanging on the tiny metal bars near my work desk are plans that were inspired by my Mom.

The silly 1/2 lengthwise pad that I disguised earlier as a “notebook” had silly plans about my future all leading to a place and time where my ideas of Mom thrived. The same goes with the websites, apps, and tools I use to churn out more ideas so that I can get steps closer to a future that feels like I have Mom always by my side.

These were my answers about why I like thinking about my future so much. It all came boiling down to the fact that I wanted to remember my Mom in everything I do and in every hardship I encounter. The feeling itself to be in the situation I daydream about is simply amazing as if it were a puzzle for me to complete.

Although, it is sad that I won’t be with the real limited edition version of her in this world anymore. But, if I could feel her through my surroundings, and envision her proud face looking at me, I think I could get by.

So while achieving my plans, I’ll be looking forward to celebrating something that isn’t solely my success but hers too.

So, if you’re still reading, thanks! I almost forgot my plan of doing some reframing to be more present in my moment. As ironic as planning to be more present in the moment looks when read, I still don’t have a definite answer to that. Right now, what I know is that thinking about the future I want is important to me because it keeps me driven to keep moving forward. I now better understand myself regarding my pursuit of the future and I’m still learning how I could appreciate my present just like how my Mom did it when she was still around.

Onto the next chapter? Let’s plan it. I’ll see you again in my stories.