I AM IN CONTROL :The Hard Truth About Healing and Moving Forward.

DO I HAVE TIME TO FEEL ANXIOUS AND UNHAPPY? Let’s actually talk about it. At 22, trust me, I have every reason to be anxious. Today, I’m opening up about the messy part of healing that no one talks about. That moment when you decide, I can't keep living like this. When you know you need to get out of bed and submit an article, and take the medicines prescribed on time so you don't relapse. Oh, YES DARLING, HEALING CAN BE MESSY.

One thing I wish someone had told me after my discharge from the psych ward is that healing isn’t an overnight thing, that it has to start with small steps and the small steps are actually what matter, but did I know that then? NO. So barely 2 months after my discharge, I was back with an existential crisis. But what did I do wrong?

First thing, went on TikTok, looking for healing channels, downloaded audible and paid for all the books I could, thinking of which sports club would be available for running and so on, I had a solid plan, wake up, run, do yoga, have a healthy breakfast, read motivation books......The list was long, and to be honest, I barely did anything that I mentioned. As days went on, whatever practices I was doing, none was helping. I would still get panic attacks, I would cry at night and just wonder why was I BORN and what was my purpose in this life. I was going through a hard time, and I hope I can help someone today with how I was able to pull myself out from this.

Healing isn’t about running 20 laps or socializing when your social anxiety is on the roof. You can read even 20 books in a day, but without intention, none of that will work.

• Acceptance

I woke up, and I had to accept that I was going through a hard time. Forcing myself to ignore my feelings did me more harm than good. Acceptance is when I acknowledged that, indeed, I was going through a hard time and that no one was coming to save me. A takeaway from the 4 noble truths of Buddha, after reading that, I was able to calm down. Suffering on earth is inevitable, but we can also walk from a state of suffering to a state of peace with just acceptance. I always blamed myself for being a victim of major depressive disorder and high-functioning anxiety and that suppressing my emotions, playing victim all the time, and listening to a dozen audiobooks was all I needed. After acceptance, I became a bit confident in myself, I believed that all the challenges I was going through at the time were just temporary and that I could handle and learn from the challenges.

• I am in control

This statement changed my life, its now my daily mantra that I recite whenever I wake up: ‘I AM IN CONTROL’ From that statement I knew that whatever went on in my life, If I have control over it, I will work for it, and if its not in my control then I let it go. It's that simple. Going forward, I don't try to change things, I just let them be. Being in control means I knew the power that I had over myself, and instead of running up and down stressing myself, I decided to take control of my personal life. This meant prioritizing myself and my needs, identifying my stressors, and seeing if the challenges I was going through were things I could control or not. This method helped me so much in effectively managing stress and regulating my emotions.

• Solitude

A major step that I took in healing and continue to practice is embracing solitude: the art of being alone. Many people don't know how much power they have within themselves just because they don't take time alone to figure themselves out. For me, it was having to sit down with myself, doing activities by myself, to know what I love and don't love, what makes me anxious and what doesn’t. It has worked wonders for me. I took time to know who I was, who I wanted to be, what I loved, and what I wanted my future to look like. From this, I was able to set targets for myself. I engaged in activities that gave me a sense of achievement, and at the end of the day, I’d be happy and grateful because I was seeing growth. I wasn’t doing things because I saw someone doing them but because it made me happy, and I am very grateful for that. Would love to write more about solitude because it is something that worked for me in my healing journey.

A few things to note as I conclude: reading books is important, and they have helped me. Physical activity is also important. Move your body a little bit, go for an evening walk. Yes, it does help clear your mind. It may not work for others, but cutting down social media is something that worked for me; honestly, it was too overwhelming to keep up with everyone’s idea of healing and doom-scrolling. It saved me from anxiety. Relaxation is equally important; just slow down a bit and relax. All will be fine. You are not alone in this.

Healing is not doing it all at once perfectly; it is about showing up for yourself even when it's messy and you are scared. For healing, we don't need to have all the answers. All that matters is TAKING ONE STEP, NO MATTER HOW SMALL, and watch yourself grow.