How Many Spoons Do You Have

My chronic disability has made me familiar with the spoon theory. According to Christine Miserandino in her blog titled The Spoon Theory, spoons symbolize our energy and how we manage it. People with Chronic Illness or Disability are given a limited number of spoons, and when those spoons run out, they have little energy to do anything else. Showering can take one third of the day’s energy, and on a bad day it can take even more.

The people who do not have disabilities or chronic illnesses are quick to judge those of us who do; they call us lazy, or if our condition is less visible, they accuse us of faking it. But that invalidates what we are going through, and it’s an ableist perspective.

However, I do not share this to seek sympathy. I wish to educate, not to spread pity for myself or anyone else. If we don’t share the realities of living with a disability or chronic illness, no one will understand what it feels like to live with a chronic condition. It is important to remind others that we have good days and bad days, regardless of how our good days look.

5/8/2006

Today is one of those weak and fatigued days, when the monster M.D rears it’s ugly head. I am learning to look at it as a blessing, I know sounds odd doesn’t it? Wel the fact is it brings me closer to the Lord, and I learn to lean on him more, besides I still have the promise of Isaiah 40:31 to lean on to. “I will rise up with wings as Eagles, I will run and not grow weary, I will walk and not faint.” In Heaven I will be as free as a bird, and if it took this to drop me to my knee’s then it was worth it.

I can not let myself get down from this monster, for one thing I have a relatively mild form of it, I can walk, I can do so many things, and yet I have to battle this monster everyday, and the fact is one day I may not be able to walk, but that is something I take in stride, I can serve the Lord no matter where I am at in my life.

I could be bitter about what I have been handed, but what good would that do me? I mean I need to look at the positive, and the fact is I am blessed, I have a house full of love, pets, and books, so how can I not be blessed, and i have children in my life that I love, maybe not my own, but I love them, and that’s what matters right, I can spoil my nieces and nephews, and feel happy about it.

I journaled this reality years ago, honestly it was not exactly a shock when I was diagnosed because my Aunt passed away in 2002, and she had told my mom my symptoms were similar to my two cousins, one of whom is now gone.

I wrote about the loss of one of my cousins a few years ago. Therefore, I am sharing that here as well, because sometimes those of us living with Chronic Illness pass away at a young age, and sometimes the sheer weight of living with a condition that does not simply go away causes some to give up. It Broke Him was only a short poem, but I felt it was important to get it down on paper. People with chronic illnesses do not always survive, and some sadly give up.

When I was seventeen , my family faced the realities of Muscular Dystrophy when we discovered two of my cousins had Beckers Muscular Dystrophy. One of my strong cousins was truly broken by it, and eventually it took his life, but not before it took his spirit.

It Broke Him

It Broke him

Like glass

Shattered to

The Ground.

It broke him

Like a Stereo

Without Sound.

It broke him

Like a dream

Without wings.

It broke him

Like glass shattered

To the ground!

© Michelle R Kidwell

Sept.28.2018

When someone is fighting a chronic illness, a loss is an event that can cost them most if not all of their spoons for days if not weeks. Because it’s so draining to face loss, I usually feel low on energy for weeks afterward.

Copyright ©️ Michelle R Kidwell

July.25.2023