Healing

Written: February 14th 2022

They never told me it would be easy healing yourself. Letting the past haunt you like a mirror. Constantly searching for someone to talk to. You feel like you are a burden, when all you want is someone to hear you. Sometimes you repeat the same stories cause the advice given isn’t working now. It’s like playing a puzzle to only find out your missing pieces...

I don’t to live in the past, yet my past seems to be taunting me because there is something I’m forgetting. Like this game with my mind to find why I’m hurting. One day your a child next you're an adult. Searching for answers in people who are also hurting. When you realize you’re waiting for someone who’s healed through this to guide you so you can help guide them too. Searching for people to talk to about what you’re going through. It’s not that it’s the wrong people, it’s the right people just not now. A broken foundation can’t build others while their crumbling themselves. You grow up and realize it’s okay that you grew up fast, it made you better, it made you stronger. When you gather your own, your foundation will be firm. Adonai has never left and like his disciples said here is holy. One thing I wished someone would of told me, your parents won't always be your parents, your parents were just kids when they had you, its a bunch of adult kids taking care of kids to provide them a life they never had while also trying to figure themselves out, its also there first time living, we are all on our own journey. When you need nurturing, love and affection, a minute to you and break curses together. As child we know what must break, the problem is finding the solution to the greatest pain you’ve ever known.

Questions that flutter your brain, a new man who says he cares, he cares so much that he went out of his to take the one person I need right now, because he is lonely. Nothing bugs me more then someone who knows what they have to do to help themselves but chooses to chase love in all the wrong places. How many sleepless nights must I go on to cry without my mother here? While you take her away every night and all day. We’re just friends they say, so much as a couple, that you can't see you are literally destroying my world. Is it God that helped you or was it "man" you praise everyday? My God is standing on the backline waiting for us to fall back we got to where we need to. When something is suppose to be, it shouldn’t be 20:80 / 50:50/ only 100;100 but when two broken halves think they can fix each other, it ends up being destruction. You loose sight of the ones that were there. Imagine 2 months ago I was living out of a hotel 6 months prior to that you met someone, the month before that you just watched the man you say you love put his hands on your child and you. Just to go back and to this day still talk to him. If anyone is an asshole its you. The damage that is done, God has to heal me. I said before and ill say it again, he gave you 3 because you didn’t learn what you needed to. Here you are again with another man doing the same thing again. You are no better than that man in England, just because you can kill them off when you want, doesn’t mean that there will not be one that stands strong against. Would you rather bring another child into this world because God is telling you to slow down. Stop going back. Lets see what comes first a dog or a baby. Another mouth you will neglect because your priorities are all up in the mix. “I dont want to do this anymore” God isnt even there, yet you still go back to what your use to.

Man who says they love you, quite capable of taking you away from your kids 4/7 days in the week. One thing I know, cause I dreamed you. My days and weeks get shorter with you, crazy how the last relationship was right, when you come into money you don't care about anyone else. I never ever will let money consume me, since I was kid I’ve been searching for happiness, being told stop dwelling in the past, dwelling on these emotions, how do they expect you to heal, if they wont allow you to dissect every variation that has happened in your life? Asking all the right questions, i'm just asking all the wrong people. Broken people can't fix broken people, someone who’s healed from the same thing your going through, will be the helping hand you need in this life, you will have advice to give them and vice versa. It will be a balance.I always wanted love, a relationship one thing I got wrong was the type of relationship, I don't want to be with anyone because im still broken, i'm still not whole, trying to fix pieces of me with other broken pieces, looking for the puzzle piece I lost years ago. Just because some pieces are missing now, you will always find your way out. As life goes you find those pieces you lost and create yourself as a whole being. Once was prickling cactus that hid their beauty from the world, one touch it would hurt with the words I spew out. From a cactus to a succulent breathing life into places that were once barren in land.