Getting Gaslighted at Work? The Who, What, and How

Since you became friends with that new hire, are you less content at work? Have they shared any tales with you about how their coworkers have consistently undercut them? Maybe your employer keeps you out of important meetings and then questions you afterward about why you didn't show up, even though you're quite sure you weren't invited in the first place. You may be dealing with a gaslighter if any of this applies to your situation.

Gaslighters, as the term implies, present themselves as a confidante or friend who is here to assist, but in reality, they are undermining or manipulating people, typically from the shadows, which increases their potential influence.

"Gaslighting" was designated the word of the year by Merriam-Webster. Despite the lack of an event that the dictionary publisher can attribute the increase to, searches for the term on its website increased by 1,740% in 2022 over the previous year. Merriam-Webster defines the word "Gaslighting" as: [1]

"Psychological manipulation of a person usually over an extended period of time that causes the victim to question the validity of their own thoughts, perception of reality, or memories and typically leads to confusion, loss of confidence and self-esteem, the uncertainty of one's emotional or mental stability, and a dependency on the perpetrator"

The phrase was first used in Patrick Hamilton's 1938 psychological suspense drama "Gas Light," which takes place in Victorian London.

The 1944 movie "Gaslight," based on the play, in which Gregory (played by Charles Boyer) tries to persuade his wife Paula (Ingrid Bergman) that she has lost her reason, further popularized the word. The gaslight in the rest of the home flickers as he flicks on the lights in the attic while looking for hidden gems. Paula is only imagining the lights decreasing, he explains to her. [1]

Are Your Coworkers Just A-Holes, or Actual Gaslighters?

Given the stakes involved - money, power, position, promotions, rivalry, and the intrigue that frequently comes with office politics - the workplace is a breeding ground for this type of conduct.

The scope with which "gaslighting" has been defined has shocked me. The term "gaslighting" appears to cover a wide range of behaviors, including "not respecting personal boundaries" and "talking so much shit about me I couldn't get hired for two years."

I've discovered from my dread scrolling on social media that "gaslighter" tends to refer to someone who has done a lot of awful things to us at work, especially things that include humiliation. It's definitely the worst moniker to bestow on a coworker or boss.

So what exactly is a gaslighter, and why is it crucial to distinguish one from, for instance, a condescending employer with a grudge and a propensity for humiliating others in public?

If we adhere to the clinical definition, gaslighters have two distinguishing behaviors: they isolate their victims socially and lie with the intention of fabricating a fake reality.

They adopt a dual role of underminer and rescuer, sowing discord and terror, spreading rumors, and appropriating others' hard work. They frequently harbor feelings of resentment and jealousy and seek to undermine others in order to advance their own interests.

You could also be a victim of another coworker's gaslighting without even realizing it. The gaslighter may try to convince you that Johnny is attempting to take over your project leadership job and advise you to lock him out of the cafeteria at lunch or to just be extra cautious when disclosing sensitive information.

For gaslighters, consistency is key to success, and the greatest ones start off by becoming close friends with their victims. Because of this, it may also be regarded as a type of workplace harassment.

They frequently make them feel beautiful and unique. By making their victims' jobs appear more dangerous than they actually are, some people instill in their victims a dread of speaking up. The falsehoods also have several levels and are intricate. It takes a while to become aware that you are a gaslighting victim, and social seclusion is essential to this process.

How to Handle Gaslighters with Class

There is a distinction between a thorny coworker or a micromanaging employer and a gaslighter, who fabricates information and works to discredit you. According to the employment website Monster.com, "the gaslighter doesn't want you to improve or succeed - they're out to sabotage you. They'll claim you're misinformed or confused, or that you misinterpreted what they said because you're insecure. They could even falsify documents to 'prove' their innocence." [2]

Monster also cites these specific examples, "You know you turned in a project, but the gaslighter insists you never gave it to them. You can tell someone has been in your space, moving things around, or even on your computer, but you don't have proof. You are the only one not included in a team email or meeting invite, or intentionally kept out of the loop. Then when you don't respond or show up, you are reprimanded." [2]

Knowing this, what can you do to prevent yourself from becoming a target? First, understand that gaslighters don't advertise their tactics. Flattery, making you feel like a member of an exclusive group, or challenging your knowledge are not signs of gaslighting.

Instead of keeping an eye out for rude conduct from a supervisor or employee, search for indications of social isolation. Even if the manager claims that you are "better than them," you should be wary of a supervisor who seeks to isolate you from your peers and superiors.

Second, be aware that the field of lie detection is risky and, from a scientific standpoint, nearly impossible. Instead of attempting to become a lie detector, take notes so you can inform their "gaslighter" that you are aware of their tricks. If you choose to subsequently bring up the matter with your human resources division, you may also use the notes as proof.

Here are some strategies for handling gaslighters: Send emails using the subject line "a summary of today's meeting" to ensure that ideas are properly credited and that you don't lose out on any business. Additionally, keep a record of what actually occurred and provide it to your potential gaslighter. Likewise, speak up in meetings. Don't let someone bully you into submission.

It will be harder to be victimized the more documentation you keep. A word of caution, though: Don't attempt to confront gaslighters; instead, use your social network to reestablish your reality. It is a losing tactic to attempt to defeat these people at their own game.

Any one of these steps can do wonders for safeguarding your reputation and career, but a combination taken early on in a working relationship is especially effective.

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SOURCES:

[1] Market Watch. "'Gaslighters have two signature moves': Are you being gaslighted at work? Here's how to recognize the signs, https://www.marketwatch.com/story/gaslighters-have-two-signature-moves-are-you-being-gaslighted-at-work-how-to-recognize-the-signs-11670265006." Accessed December 7th, 2022.

[2] Monster.com. "How to Deal with Gaslighting at Work , https://www.monster.com/career-advice/article/gaslighting-at-work." Accessed December 7th, 2022.