Ending People Pleasing

I have been a people pleaser for longer than I can remember. My grandparents would visit and I sought their approval I would get someone who would sit down and talk to me and I would shower them with gifts. I always struggled to say no. Anybody who has read some of my work knows that I was not really respected by my parents. They denied I had debilitating disabilities that affected me and my behavior. Notably amongst those disabilities is a form of autism. As young as age 4 I heard that I was an embarrassment. Those words alone made me leave childhood and start to feel I was alone and had to fend for myself.

My coping strategy was as I said before, People pleasing. It seemed to fill the void and got me to hear what I wanted to hear, not necessarily what people thought. I have struggled with boundaries because of that. For example, when i first moved out I had a Jamaican roommate. A real narcissistic prick I can tell you. He lived for himself and only for himself. He took advantage of me mentally and financially. When he moved out I was but a memory to him. He being gay often brought people over, even at height of pandemic. In fact he brought someone with Covid, got Covid and proceeded to give it to me. Still I sided with him, yet now it is time to take my power back.

It is always a long road to recovery but I will no longer be that doormat, I will no longer make myself so available. If you are short on money and need a loan? Well that's tough for you because what I earn I get to keep. Besides rent of course, which I refuse to pay more than what is needed. I will be heard when I wish to communicate my feelings.

I remember the 35 years I lived wit my parents how they shut me down anytime I felt depressed or lonely or simply inadequate. They told me I was complaining too much. I refuse to hear these things anymore. My outrage anger for people who neglect my needs has silenced that empathy i once had. Words I hate to silence are getting so loud that I could scream. That fuels my resignation as bitterness has taken over. I know my no longer being obsequious and overly compliant will upset people but it is time for me to be looked after.

As a young kid I was the last piece of pie syndrome child. If one person wanted an extra slice I would sacrifice my own slice to give to them. Once I had a pack of mango bubble gum and gave all my pieces away without getting to try one. Other times I had to miss out on the sodas because my brother wanted an extra one. When we were children playing, I always had to be the one to clean up and be the person nobody wanted to be. I almost never got a turn on the Nintendo.

I understand that resigning from people pleasing will not be instant. It will be a tough journey. Many will laugh in my face, some will break bonds with me. It is a war with many smaller battles. The biggest battle is within. I have to heal my inner person to understand fully why I lived so long being overly altruistic to the point of it being unhealthy. Like diarrhea it is a flow of unsteadiness that has to be stopped. Learning to say no, while it takes lots of courage, is what I need to do.

Having often not had boundaries I will need to put up walls. I may need to block or delete some numbers as the leeches they are just weigh me down and tax my mental health. People pleasing, the trauma response to avoid conflict has to go. While conflict is awful, dealing with it assertively takes less energy than giving in to everyone's demands. I will own this struggle and keep it in the past.

You can't move a mountain without digging up the roots. I know my deeply rooted insecurities come from my childhood. As my parents are now deceased, I can no longer confront them about anything, yet I can forgive them and learn from the past. Let the dead bury the dead. This taking back my power is not a destination or even a journey because the road never stops. I will have to learn and unlearn behaviors. I need to gather my allies as anyone would and know whom to trust and who wants to abuse. This will require my strength in interoception. I will use my powers of being an analyst to do this. Once again, People Pleasing, I am letting you go.