Diary of Anony Elle

I have been in Florida for a week now. It hasn't been easy. I don't have a whole lot of money to be able to afford a hotel room. Hell Im $100 short on bills and don't know how im going to eat tomorrow. I don't care. I have had to sleep outside in the elements a couple times and I DO NOT CARE!

I am not leaving until I find my babies and start the legal processes. Like I said before, I do not have a big plan. I just have my love and my faith. I have my testimony and I have my voice. Im not sure exactly where this journey is going to lead me to, but I know that this is what I am being called to do. I know that no matter what, I need my babies to know ME, one way or another. They know my love for them. They know what a mother's love is like... so they know more than me. I just pray that no matter what happens to me, they will have what they need to be the men that I desire them to be.

So, let's get into the next story...

I had been with their father for about a month now and things were moving quickly! I was staying with him and he was on top of me DAILY, and we weren't using protection. One day I had an epiphany and I instantly knew he was going to get me pregnant. So I decided we needed to have a serious conversation about how I was feeling. I started the conversation off with "If we don't slow down, we're gonna have a baby"! He responded with, if its meant to be it will be. For whatever reason, I accepted my fate in that moment. Sure enough, my next cycle did not come for another 2 years or so.

July 4th, 2015 A KING WAS BORN

My first born baby. A handsome little red haired baby; light as can be, people just assumed his daddy was white. The road to getting him there was not easy. I struggled. I cried. I realized that I had made a HUGE mistake, but even if I could... I wouldn't take it back. So is that a mistake? No

SO WTF IS IT?

Destiny is what I call it. This thought was the beginning of my mental health suffering. This thought is one of many that had me questioning my reality. What did I do in my life to deserve a destiny like this? This thought is one that led to me losing faith. Up until that point, my faith was so strong. I had a solid understanding of who I was, who I wanted to be, and although I didn't know how I would get there, it was no doubt in my mind I would get there and create the life I had always wanted. Up until the thought of what did I do to deserve this?

Up until this point, I had been through some pretty horrible things and I patted myself on the back for overcoming and remaining who I loved to be. Once upon a time, I absolutely loved who I was. I had a special way of looking at the world that was totally beautiful to me. Yes it allowed me to get hurt.. A LOT; but I was proud of myself. I liked myself. The image that looked back at me smiled, and so did I.

Some time after having my first little boy, my spirit told me he would have a younger sibling. My spirit told me that he and his younger sibling needed each other and it was my responsibility to make sure he had a full sibling from the same parents. Although I was repulsed with the idea of allowing this man to put another baby in me, I knew I had to. So I did, and once I confirmed my second pregnancy, I stopped having sex with their father. I did not trap him though, I just didn't stop him (if you know what I mean).

So now we have 2 and it is time for my escape...

Until next time!