Diary of Anony Elle

"THAT'S WHY DADDY AINT YO DADDY!!!!"

Sticks and Stones may break your bones but words may never hurt you they say... THEN WTF WAS THAT?

Ill tell you!

It was words that hurt... REAL BAD! My baby sister delivered my first heartbreak. How she know this before me? Who told her, my mom or dad? What was the context, like why did they think it was important for her to know but not me? I mean... words had hurt me before, but this is a different kind of hurt! The kind of hurt that literally challenges everything you thought you knew. How do you even process that kind of information at 6 or 7 years old?

It was just a normal Saturday afternoon. We were at grandma Kelly house after church. Family dinner at her house was normal and picking on my little sister was normal too. What was NOT normal, is the clapback my baby sister delivered after picking on her. It was like she couldn't wait to deliver that soul crushing news, and she waited for the perfect time.

Good one sis!

However, I am forever changed. My parents lied to me about something so critical that I do not know who my father is and now I don't know who I am. I think Im a bastard. Now all the time that I felt my dad treated my sister differently has been validated. Damn!

I don't remember much of that Sabbath dinner after that. I was in a daze for a while. The very next memory that I have is my dad (at the time) sitting me down in the family room to have the talk that is now very needed. I also don't remember much of that convo, but I do remember the cute little story he told me. He said that when my mom was pregnant wit me, she would wake him up at 3 in the morning to go get her a red slushee from the 7/11 a couple doors down. He said that those were his slushees inside of me so he will always be my father.

Somehow, I knew that wasn't true.

However, I made the conscious decision to act like this news didn't change me. I wanted to believe what he was saying was true, so I acted like what he said was true. Its just.... well, now whenever he is interacting with my sister and and not with me, I can't help but to wonder if it's because im not his daughter. Either way, I would just fade to the back so my sisters can enjoy time with her father. It didn't stop me from feeling left out, but at least I knew why!

So I went the rest of the time with him accepting whatever love he did offer whenever he did offer it; because I knew that he loved his daughter ore than he loved me, which is ok. I mean, I definitely can't blame him... I was just grateful that he was even trying to be my dad. He didn't have to and I knew that, even at that very young age. So I accepted the love he offered, and swallowed whatever emotions that came along with being a bastard child.

I lived with my dad (at the time) for a couple more years after that. My sister and I lived with him and his wife for 4 years before she put us out one morning my 5th grade year. She came in our room and saw a little bit of a mess and went off on us so bad, she ended with yelling about how trifling we were and yelling to my dad (at the time) that we gotta get out her house TODAY. So after school, instead of catching the 7 mile bus from our school in Inkster, we had to catch the downtown bus to my moms job. That's the day that my dad (at the time) stopped being my dad.

Until next time...