Crossing Continents: The Quiet Grief of Leaving Home

Honestly, I didn't think much about my life abroad. I was simply waiting for my exam results, so I didn't know for sure whether I would be leaving or not. Mid August, I got my results: I had passed! A few days later, my mom and I packed my luggage and I said goodbye to her at the airport. It was my first time to be on a flight all by myself. Before going on board, I cried and cried like those characters in movies. I hate crying when others are around, but I couldn't help it! You know, moving abroad is often illustrated as starting a new, fresh and exciting chapter. For me at least, it felt like closing this long, beloved chapter of my 18 years of life. I had no big worries about dealing with stuff by myself. I was just incredibly sad to leave behind my family, especially my mom who means the world to be me. She is my mom, my best friend, and the reason of my existence. Only the thought of her brings tears to my eyes. So how can I survive without her near me?

Everyone celebrates the girl who gets into a university overseas. But no one talks about the silence that follows. No one talks about how it felt like I was losing a big part of myself. People don’t call it grief, but leaving home is a kind of loss. You lose your familiar roads, daily family gatherings, your mother’s warm voice awakening you every morning, the feeling of being effortlessly heard and understood. And then you arrive in a new place where no one knows your name, your history, and not even your existence. A whole continent away, I suddenly faced a new me. It was like coming across this strange person who I didn't know. Before then, I never knew that family is what shaped me and made me who I am. Without them, it felt like I had lost my sense of identity.

I guess home is where your family is. Without them, everything is so lonely. The first week abroad, loneliness wasn’t loud; it was slow. This gradual realization that I was alone hit me several times a day, and it still does. It's like a pain that comes back every now and then to remind you about the consequences of your decision. I am still questioning it... was it the right decision to leave home and come study abroad? It's my first time feeling this kind of loneliness and it's scary. You might advise me to go out and meet people to feel belonged and less lonely. But no matter how great your friends are, they are not my family. To be honest, I still don't have "real" friends. I talk to people here and there, but they are not the kind who I can comfortable sit with and talk about life.

Before leaving, I thought distance would weaken my connection to family. I thought that maybe I will feel better some months later. In reality when your family is oceans away, their missed calls suddenly matter; their messages suddenly feel heavier; the small things they say echo a little louder Sometimes, I think the act of leaving is really the act of learning how deeply you are tied.

Have you ever felt that strange weight of not belonging? Belonging used to be something I never questioned. In this new country, I am: too foreign for here, too changed for home, so stuck in-between. It’s strange to feel homesick for a place that may not even exist anymore, because home changes when you change. Maybe belonging isn’t a place. Maybe it’s a moment.

This is my first post and it feels like writing a diary! I'm not so sure if this is the kind of writing that's supposed to be here, but I'm just going to give it a try and see how it goes.

May happiness reach you and me.

I hope that I can feel better soon.