Chronic Failure or Negative Mindset?

I created this account five years ago and never posted anything. There are two drafted stories, each a paragraph long. I have no one to blame but myself. I have a chronic issue of coming up with ideas but not following through or staying consistent. Then, when I am consistent—such as posting regularly on my TikTok page in 2022—and not get the results I end up shutting down.

The biggest venture was starting my baking business, Sucrose Sorcerer. During the pandemic, I took my stimulus money and bought the LLC. This will be my time, I told myself. Spending time learning the basics of food photography, watching countless tutorials on how to build a dynamic website, and learning to use design software like Canva to create appealing social media posts. I was excited! Putting in the work, there was supposed to be a return. I posted pictures of baked goods and received sporadic likes and comments. The results were lackluster.

The business was located in South Carolina and the majority of followers were in my home state of Virginia. The best course of action would be to go out and meet the market I needed to sell to. To accomplish this I signed up for the Queen City Cupcake Festival, where proceeds benefited foster children. Solely making 48 cupcakes and handling all advertising. I wore so many hats that I burned myself out. This would become a recurring theme—burning myself out by trying to wear every hat possible. After watching so many other businesses I couldn’t trust others to help me, and part of me felt that if I accepted help, I would be a failure.

The Past Reflects the Future

Fast forward four years: after completing a Digital Marketing Bootcamp and securing a job at a marketing agency, I felt that, for once, everything was going according to my plan. But in August, I was let go. It wasn't my fault, but it still felt like a failure. After all my hard work, I felt the same dread again.

I was let go at 11 a.m. in the middle of my workday. The People Operations Manager messaged me to have a quick video call. I knew it wasn’t going to be good. Previously, they had done layoffs around holidays—Thanksgiving and Valentine’s Day, respectively. When I worked in their warehouse, I watched numerous people get fired on Fridays. I was let go on a Thursday.

He began reading a scripted explanation about how, due to low numbers in the upcoming quarter, they had to eliminate my position. The other People Ops Manager silently watched. (I have to ask myself, what was the point of that? I was remote, and the chances of me becoming combative were very slim.) Tears welled up in his eyes. My concern shifted from myself to him. In an instant, I almost didn’t care that I was losing my job—I felt more sympathy for him.

How hard must it be to constantly go through the same thing, reading this script and disrupting people’s livelihoods? Ironically, the week prior, I was given an award for my willingness to help others. He emphasized again that it had nothing to do with my performance. But still, I questioned the universe: why give me what I wanted, only to take it away? What was I supposed to learn from this?

What More Do You Want From Me?!

I've been unemployed for a month now. Not for the lack of trying because I put in at least 400 applications on several different job board websites. The longest time I had been unemployed in the past was 3 weeks. I've learned so much in this month. Such as ghost jobs, ATS, and stuffing your resume with keywords.

I find myself feeling like Tyrese in the popular meme: "What more do you want from me?" Such a loaded question if you think about it. I've always been a very observant and critical person. I overthink everything, always striving for perfection. So, it’s only natural for me to view every event as a learning experience. I should have done this. I shouldn’t have said that.

Many have advised me to take this time as a break, but it’s difficult to get into a vacation mindset when there are so many skills I could be learning and so many free courses to take.